Issues with Wife in bedroom?

[sg6869]

Sorry posted twice.... twit!

 

[sg6869]

Your welcome, hope it helps, been there, took a look at our lives, I have my own businesses (got wrapped up in those pressures), she wrapped up in home pressures, sex went out the window, more frustrations, became more selfish. then penny dropped, thought how much of a dick i was being, made the above changes and well this week had sex 3 times (in a week! yippeee) normally 2-3 a month if lucky!

Small but carefull changes make a big difference.

Good luck, it will change if you change!

 

[kinda_hung]

Your attitude really stinks!

You told your counselor, in front of her, that your sex life sucks.
You're telling us that she is dull in bed, which might mean you also told her that.

Is she happy with the way her body looks (weight, etc.)?
Maybe you could take her shopping for a pair of jeans that make her ass look like a million dollars? And high heels that she loves. :smile:


^^^^ Gotta admit this part is a little weird. What kind of porn is she "into"? Just regular M-F porn, or all girl?

I didn't say this in front of her. And I didn't say it SUCKED to the councelor either. I believe my exact words were "her sex drive isn't there". Which the reason why we were at counceling was because I was working night shift and she thought having a guy over to fuck while I'm at work was ok....

The porn she likes is M-F. Not all porn turns her on. Especially the nasty stuff. It doesn't do anything for me either!

She is ok with her body. She works out a lot to keep in shape. She's 5'4" 125lbs. Size 6 and a nice ass. Small 34-A breasts which she doen't like and wants bigger some day. I'm not totally agreeing with a boob job. I like small breasts and hers are perfect in my eyes. Just not hers.

She buys whatever jeans she wants and has a zillion high heals! I don't care what she buys. I like the jeans she wears and it makes her ass look damn good and I tell her so! Can't keep my eyes off of her ass when she struts by me!

 

[kinda_hung]

Ok, common things whilst reading all the above:
1) Wife/mum is so busy throughout the day that she is to tired for sex at night.
2) Wife /Mum has to deal with House/Kids/Hubby 7 days a week.
3) Wife/mum may be loosing herself in being Wife/mum and does not have any down time!
4) Wife is aware that her lack of sex drive is an issue and hence feels worse still.

Changes to be made by Hubby:

1) BACK OFF! Give her some time to adjust to these changes.
2) Yep you have been at work since 6am and now its 7pm (well guess what she is still working) oh now you understand!
3) Maybe on a Monday/Wednesday/ Friday you could put kids to bed whilst she does " What the hell she likes" ( have a bath, watch some crap on TV etc) make her a cup of tea and maybe a snack!
4) You clear the dinner away, wash up.
5) Sit on the same sofa and just enjoy being near each other.
6) Go to bed at the same time (not for sex)

The comment from the person who said have sex in the morning & tell kids not to disturb you! yeah ok you are definately in for a shock when you have kids believe me. Nothing more off putting than knowing kids are awake, your trying to have sex (quietly) and the fear that little Johnny is staring at you at the end of the bed saying " WHy is mummy making funny noises daddy?"

If you are going to have sex in the morning make sure it much earlier than the kids wake up!

If you are going to have sex in the evening make sure its about 1hr after the kids have gone to bed!

Oh yeah! If you have had a tough day, just think yours was over hours ago, your wife is still having a tough day and she cant have a break.

How can I say all this? Well I have been there, I totally understand the sexdrive thing (why do you think i'm here?).

I took a step back and took a "Look in" to our lives from the outside. You will be shocked at may be how things can and should change.

You get your space and your identity everyday, she get wife/mum can I have, where is this or that everyday (7 days).

Give her back some of "HER", "Her time", "Her space" believe me it works, the less pressure she is under the sex slowly starts to come back.

Hope I helped?

Lot of good advice there and thanks for posting it. I have done probably 90% of what you listed. I cook, do dished, laundry, bath, and put the kids to bed. All she has to do is come home from work, kiss them, and off to bed they go. I do let her do what she wants. She does watch LOTS of TV and one of her complaints was that I don't spend time with her. I spent a lot of time with my hobbies before counceling. Those are on the back burner and now spend time watching True Blood, Greys Anatomy, CSI, and whatever show she watches with her. I HATE tv.. So for me to sit down and watch something isn't much fun for me. But I enjoy relaxing next to her though, which is what counts.

I just don't understand why I have to put forth all of this effort for someone who has cheated twice on me. I'm not a bad guy and have been told by many other women they would die to be married to me. I'm not the one who cheated here. I continue to put forth the effort and trying to get her to do it is like watching paint dry! I know it isn't gonna be like a light switch, but this has been 3 yrs now since counceling.

 

[helgaleena]

I just don't understand why I have to put forth all of this effort for someone who has cheated twice on me. I'm not a bad guy and have been told by many other women they would die to be married to me. I'm not the one who cheated here. I continue to put forth the effort and trying to get her to do it is like watching paint dry! I know it isn't gonna be like a light switch, but this has been 3 yrs now since counceling.

You do it for the kids. I think it would not be wrong to tell her so either. That you watch shows you hate is not really the point unless tv is in some way helping you two get sexy. If you have a hobby you can do in front of the tv that would be helpful I suppose. Otherwise you are going to resent doing all the compromising.

It sounds like you still have not forgiven her infidelity, and she is being cold because she may wish she were married to someone else. Well tough apples, woman, you made babies with this one and now you need to think of them first. I think you have to get that all said AGAIN. It's been three years since she was required to face this.

 

[kinda_hung]

You do it for the kids. I think it would not be wrong to tell her so either. That you watch shows you hate is not really the point unless tv is in some way helping you two get sexy. If you have a hobby you can do in front of the tv that would be helpful I suppose. Otherwise you are going to resent doing all the compromising.

It sounds like you still have not forgiven her infidelity, and she is being cold because she may wish she were married to someone else. Well tough apples, woman, you made babies with this one and now you need to think of them first. I think you have to get that all said AGAIN. It's been three years since she was required to face this.

I have forgiven her. That's for sure! I really don't think she will ever do it again after what we've all been through.

 

[helgaleena]

Still, someone whose hobby is watching tv is possibly in an avoidance kind of mindset IMO. She may not do it again, but she may feel trapped. Ask her point blank: is it really so bad being your lover? You may be amazed at what comes out.

 

[Attila the Hung]

I didn't say this in front of her. And I didn't say it SUCKED to the councelor either. I believe my exact words were "her sex drive isn't there". Which the reason why we were at counceling was because I was working night shift and she thought having a guy over to fuck while I'm at work was ok....

The porn she likes is M-F. Not all porn turns her on. Especially the nasty stuff. It doesn't do anything for me either!

She is ok with her body. She works out a lot to keep in shape. She's 5'4" 125lbs. Size 6 and a nice ass. Small 34-A breasts which she doen't like and wants bigger some day. I'm not totally agreeing with a boob job. I like small breasts and hers are perfect in my eyes. Just not hers.

She buys whatever jeans she wants and has a zillion high heals! I don't care what she buys. I like the jeans she wears and it makes her ass look damn good and I tell her so! Can't keep my eyes off of her ass when she struts by me!

I gotta say, the part I highlighted is a major red flag and a clear indication at least in my eyes that your relationship will not last. I mean seriously, she thought it okay to have someone else come over and fuck her while you were away at work supporting her and your kids, yet she can`t fulfill your needs and open up to you sexually the way you would like?

So basically she was willing to put in the effort to find someone else she can fuck and have fun with sexually while not being willing to put in the effort towards making her relationship work towards her own husband on whom she had already cheated on in the past, TWICE!!!

What I`m about to say is gonna sound harsh but I am convinced I am right, I think your wife is bored of you and that you do not turn her on and that she is only in the relationship at this point for the kids and financial security.

The fact that you guys use lube often before regular intercourse tells me right there she isn`t into you, if a woman truly loves her man, is turned on by him and is otherwise healthy there is no reason why she would not be wet with anticipation before getting it on with you.

I`ve been with my woman for ten years now and NOT ONCE EVER did I ever require lube before having sex, and the reason is simple its because I turn her on and she can`t wait for me to penetrate her and fuck her senseless, the fact that your woman seems so distant and cold at times and does not respond to you sexually very much indicates to me that you simply do not turn her on that much.

Forget about what other folks here are saying about doing all the niceties that will make her feel appreciated and etc..., you have already done that as you said and what has changed, NOTHING!! So don`t expect anything to change if you keep on doing those things, as nothing has so far so forget that useless advice.

I suggest you two have a sitdown and you ask her some very direct questions about just what the hell is going in this relationship, why she thought it okay back then to have someone come over and fuck her while you were away at work, why she was willing to put in the effort to find another man who could accomodate her needs instead of focusing on how she can make things work with you and accomodate BOTH of your needs.

Mention to her what I said here and see what she has to say in response:

if a woman truly loves her man, is turned on by him and is otherwise healthy there is no reason why she would not be wet with anticipation before getting it on with you.

Ask her why is that not the case in your relationship? Anyway I would like to write more but I am quite tipsy at the moment and am not even sure if this post made any sense, but I hope that the gist of what I am trying to say got thru to you.


Good luck, your gonna need it.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

A few thoughts after reading all this:

1) I disagree with those who said she doesn’t owe you sex. Perhaps owe is not the right word, but I do think people in a partnership have a responsibility to each other to see that one another’s sexual needs are met, to whatever extent they are capable. And sometimes this requires a little effort.

2) She probably thinks she is making an effort, though, even if lube before and sleep after have become the routine. The fact that you guys have sex several times a week is amazing in and of itself -- I think I read once that the average for married couples is twice a month. If she has no sex drive right now and yet is having sex with you several times a week, she may feel like she has compromised a lot already.

3) The only way to really know what is going on in her head is to get her to tell you.

4) I think you need to become more clear about exactly what you want her to do, and what is realistic. Yes, I think she has a responsibility to try to meet your sexual needs, but she cannot change into a different person. If she truly is not into experimentation in the bedroom, then perhaps it would be best just to let that go. It also might be a good idea to have sex a little less often but make it more of an event. She may devote more attention to it if it isn’t such a frequent thing.

5) If she has cheated on you twice, then clearly she has been capable of sexual desire at some point in the past. The fact that she does not desire to have sex with you now is most likely psychological⁄emotional in origin, and not physical. Are there resentments brewing between you two? It sounds like you may resent all of the things you are doing to try to make her happy. If so, she can sense this on some level, and will withdraw because of it. Are there past or ongoing issues that have never been resolved to both your satisfaction? What reasons (legitimate or not) might she have to be angry, annoyed, or exasperated with you?

6) Finally, I would like to say something about the lube issue. I am assuming that since you are on this site you very likely have a size that is larger than average. I disagree with the people who think that no woman should ever need artificial lube if she is truly turned on. Some of us just don’t make copious amounts of lubrication, even if we are very turned on. On my own, I produce enough lube for us to have sex, but I can get sore very quickly from the friction of his thick cock. Therefore, using some artificial lube too is a godsend -- without it I would spend a lot of time out of commission, recovering from my last fucking. With it, I am able to have sex again much sooner. So, I don’t think that the fact that you have to use lube necessarily means there is something wrong, in and of itself.

 

[kinda_hung]

Lots of good responses! About the lube deal. Sometimes she is horny but not wet. I can get the lube out and finger her and within a few minutes she has came. And even after she has came she still isn't sopping wet. Other times I know she is horny and she is drenched and no lube is ever used. We only use lube on nights where she isn't all in the mood for sex but knows that I want sex. I'm not huge either and she occomodates me just fine. I'm only 7x5. There are times where I have to be careful with what I do or else I may hurt her, but for the most part her pussy is perfect!

She has told me that she regrets doing what she did and that she finds me very attractive and a great lover. She has said that no one else has ever made her feel pleased sexually like I have. She says my size is perfect for her and that only one other guy was bigger than me and that was the first guy she was with in HS. And I knew him very well and can vouch he was hung.

I've narrowed it down to that she has a lot of stuff on her mind. I'm hoping she can relax and think about herself a little more and enjoy her body. Only time will tell. I know she is sexually capable. She damn near raped me when we met!

 

[helgaleena]

I am glad to hear this, k_h...

 

[Riven650]

*snip*... We only use lube on nights where she isn't all in the mood for sex but knows that I want sex....

...*snip*

That's it! Right there. You go on to say, "She has told me that she regrets doing what she did..." and, " no one else has ever made her feel pleased sexually like I have." Which tells me that she does love you, but she still feels guilty about cheating. I am certain that the first thing you MUST do to help fix this is to NOT have sex UNLESS she's in the mood. However badly you want to fuck her, she's got to feel like it too, or hands off. You see, guilt is a very very negative emotion, and if she's feeling that negative emotion when you touch her she's making a subconscious association between you touching her and her feeling bad.

You need to work on rebuilding the trust that broke down. First, you need to ask yourself the ticklish question: 'Do I 100% trust her yet?' If you don't, there will be subtle ways that you communicate it to her that will compound her guilt.

Guilt is a massive turn off. The only way she's going to stop feeling it is if you two really talk it out. She has to have a chance to give you the reassurances you need, and she needs to know that you forgive her before she can even begin to let herself off the hook. You'll have to reassure her, as much as she needs to reassure you.

Oh, and about your cock, which you describe as, "I'm only 7x5". For goodness' sake, it's a big one man (c'mon people tell him), so stop talking about it in apologetic terms. Your woman's a very lucky girl to have a guy who obviously cares so much, and is really well hung too.

 

[EllieP]

Gosh just notice this thread is way to close to my situation but my problem is my 8 year old daughter is in the middle of the bed since day one, before that my son was there for 4 years so our bed has been a wreck for 12 years. So much for privacy and the sex has been routine. For me the sex drive has been suppressed for fear of daughter in bed and as time progresses it is almost gone. Wife says I have been half steppin but heck a hard on with your 8 year old daughter in the bed not going to happen, that combination don't mix period!!!!

Yeah I work shift work she seems to think I am the problem cause every time I stress the child in the bed she says thats not it. Marriage of 25 years and this is ..................

Kids in the same room, kids in bed - not a good thing. Even when I was a single mom I didn't let my daughter come in my bed at night, but she was welcome to join me in the morning. At night if we wanted to be close I went in her bed. That's different.

But sometimes kids in the same room can't be helped. We were on vacation not long after we were married and Pris was about 11 years old. She was sleeping on a pull-out sofa in the hotel room. Cap woke up frisky and was snuggling, and pretty soon we were struggling to be quiet. And let's just say that's very difficult, but we did.

Later that morning Pris and I were in the bathroom fixing our hair and she asked if she and I could go out shopping that morning. I said "What about Cap?" She said she thought he was sick. I looked at her puzzled and she said "well he had chills or something this morning because he was shaking and groaning a lot." I know my face turned seven shades of red and if I wasn't so mortified I would have burst out laughing.

You just got to be careful!

 

[kinda_hung]

Kids in the same room, kids in bed - not a good thing. Even when I was a single mom I didn't let my daughter come in my bed at night, but she was welcome to join me in the morning. At night if we wanted to be close I went in her bed. That's different.

But sometimes kids in the same room can't be helped. We were on vacation not long after we were married and Pris was about 11 years old. She was sleeping on a pull-out sofa in the hotel room. Cap woke up frisky and was snuggling, and pretty soon we were struggling to be quiet. And let's just say that's very difficult, but we did.

Later that morning Pris and I were in the bathroom fixing our hair and she asked if she and I could go out shopping that morning. I said "What about Cap?" She said she thought he was sick. I looked at her puzzled and she said "well he had chills or something this morning because he was shaking and groaning a lot." I know my face turned seven shades of red and if I wasn't so mortified I would have burst out laughing.

You just got to be careful!

Yes. Be careful about morning sex and kids! We were getting it on one sunday morning. I had gotten her off from doing it scissor style or whatever she likes, and then I climbed on top for missionary. Anyways we were going at it pretty good with the headboard banging against the wall. She turned her head one way because I was kissing her neck and she suddening grabbed me very tight and said STOP! I thought I had hurt her or something... She looked at me and said look. I looked over to the right and our 6 yr old boy was just standing there! watching. Dunno how long because we were into it! She just asked him to go out to the living room and watch cartoons and we would be out in a second! Needless to say I didn't get mine!:biggrin1: Now if she wants morning sex she gets up and locks the door!

 

[kinda_hung]

Update: My wife was gone for a week. She went to visit her parents before school starts up for the kids etc and to visit. She came back fri and sat we went out. We went to a nice restaraunt and then to a movie. Stopped and had ice cream on the way home at our favorite ice cream shop! The night went really great and we had a lot of fun! We picked the kids up and went home. Put them to bed etc. She came in the bedroom with a sexy outfit on and started kissing me etc. I put some nice music on the tv to set the mood, but she grabbed the remote looking for skin flix!! I said nah, we don't need that, we can have our own fun time! So she left it alone and I started kissing her and messaging her legs, feet, etc. Moving my way up to her pussy. Feeling it through her soft panties. Soon she was sopping wet and I took them off. She ordered me to take my undies off and she was on top immediately! She actually started talking a little dirty. Asking me how bad I wanted her hot wet pussy! She slid it in really slow and when she did she said, ah gawd, I missed my big cock!!! She took her rop off and started feeding me her tits! I was like dayem!!!! Anyways. Great night sat night. And then last night we went to bed a little bit later than normal. Needed to shower etc. She tried on a pair of work out pants she had bought the night before and was modeling them for me. Took them off and she headed for the bathroom, but I grabbed her by the arm and asked where she was going and tossed her on the bed. Took my shorts off and had my way with her. Last night was the first night in a long time that her pussy has been that wet!!! She was really getting into it last night though. Feels like the first time we were together!

 

[kinda_hung]

Update: My wife was gone for a week. She went to visit her parents before school starts up for the kids etc and to visit. She came back fri and sat we went out. We went to a nice restaraunt and then to a movie. Stopped and had ice cream on the way home at our favorite ice cream shop! The night went really great and we had a lot of fun! We picked the kids up and went home. Put them to bed etc. She came in the bedroom with a sexy outfit on and started kissing me etc. I put some nice music on the tv to set the mood, but she grabbed the remote looking for skin flix!! I said nah, we don't need that, we can have our own fun time! So she left it alone and I started kissing her and messaging her legs, feet, etc. Moving my way up to her pussy. Feeling it through her soft panties. Soon she was sopping wet and I took them off. She ordered me to take my undies off and she was on top immediately! She actually started talking a little dirty. Asking me how bad I wanted her hot wet pussy! She slid it in really slow and when she did she said, ah gawd, I missed my big cock!!! She took her rop off and started feeding me her tits! I was like dayem!!!! Anyways. Great night sat night. And then last night we went to bed a little bit later than normal. Needed to shower etc. She tried on a pair of work out pants she had bought the night before and was modeling them for me. Took them off and she headed for the bathroom, but I grabbed her by the arm and asked where she was going and tossed her on the bed. Took my shorts off and had my way with her. Last night was the first night in a long time that her pussy has been that wet!!! She was really getting into it last night though. Feels like the first time we were together!

 

[Riven650]

So glad to hear you had such a great night. Do you think it might be because you have straightened a lot of this stuff out in your head and are giving off a more positive vibe around her? Whatever it is, good on you sport!

 

[kinda_hung]

Update: My wife was gone for a week. She went to visit her parents before school starts up for the kids etc and to visit. She came back fri and sat we went out. We went to a nice restaraunt and then to a movie. Stopped and had ice cream on the way home at our favorite ice cream shop! The night went really great and we had a lot of fun! We picked the kids up and went home. Put them to bed etc. She came in the bedroom with a sexy outfit on and started kissing me etc. I put some nice music on the tv to set the mood, but she grabbed the remote looking for skin flix!! I said nah, we don't need that, we can have our own fun time! So she left it alone and I started kissing her and messaging her legs, feet, etc. Moving my way up to her pussy. Feeling it through her soft panties. Soon she was sopping wet and I took them off. She ordered me to take my undies off and she was on top immediately! She actually started talking a little dirty. Asking me how bad I wanted her hot wet pussy! She slid it in really slow and when she did she said, ah gawd, I missed my big cock!!! She took her rop off and started feeding me her tits! I was like dayem!!!! Anyways. Great night sat night. And then last night we went to bed a little bit later than normal. Needed to shower etc. She tried on a pair of work out pants she had bought the night before and was modeling them for me. Took them off and she headed for the bathroom, but I grabbed her by the arm and asked where she was going and tossed her on the bed. Took my shorts off and had my way with her. Last night was the first night in a long time that her pussy has been that wet!!! She was really getting into it last night though. Feels like the first time we were together!

 

[kinda_hung]

So glad to hear you had such a great night. Do you think it might be because you have straightened a lot of this stuff out in your head and are giving off a more positive vibe around her? Whatever it is, good on you sport!

I think on both ends. I'm always pretty positive about sex. She just seems to be a bit more open and maybe letting go and relaxing. A few months ago when messaging her and playing with her g-spot etc, she would be very uptight. A couple times she asked, "do you like being a gyno"? Never thought about it that way I guess? But sat night she was loving every second of me fingering her pussy and her hips had that mmmm vibe goin on!

 

[L_Lynn]

I was bummed to see you were still having these issues, K.H and then I read this last page. Yay! Sounds like a vacation from you did her good. Not that there is anything wrong with you, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. Getting away may have given her the relaxation she needed and the head space to think about your marriage.

I was going to add this tidbit:

You have probably heard the example that men are like microwaves and women are like crock-pots? Guys are ready to go in 30 seconds and gals need all day to warm up. Something I have found is that little caresses, touches, kisses on the back of my neck, subtle stroke of his hand across my breast, sexual nuances over the course of the day keep my crock-pot on simmer so that by the end of the day I am a lot easier to heat up. And I think that the flirtation of it as well as the affection without it leading to immediate sex is a turn on as well.

Oh and one last thought on the wetness thing, it is natural to vary over the course of her cycle, with more natural lubrication occurring before and during ovulation.

Hope this turn of events is the beginning of a new chapter for you both.