Sorry for all the rambling for a relative unknown... But who better to talk relationships with It's really just nice to have somewhere to talk about things like this, so I don't care if anyone responds... LPSG rocks. Hell. Maybe this will inspire someone, who knows. Probably no one who will actually remember me, but I made a lot of dumb, depression induced ramblings a few months back, and judging from those, anyone who remember is probably pretty surprised I'm alive. But I am. And so is my penis. Yay for it. :tongue: Anyway, I'm still a 21 year old virgin, to my sorta dismay, but I haven't til recently been giving that much effort so. I became a hermit more or less for the last few months, which hasn't really uhh helped that... In that amount of time I did, however, manage to recover most of the energy I'd lost, stop self sabotaging so much, and not bitch so much about myself... I've gone through periods of that state that could be measured in hours before, but never months... Which is pretty much how it's been. Or else I wouldn't be talking as if this was at least a sorta permanent way of existing. Anxiety really does waste you, and it's a waste to be wasted... It took me a while just to learn to relax. I've been trying to throw myself at the world more lately... I'm basically starting from scratch. I've lived a sheltered life and never really taken any risks... Self confidence is an issue for me. So going back into the world at this point is for me a lot like moving to a new town. I feel like a kid again. I'm improving I think... There are still situations where I inexplicably feel stifled, but more and more I can be myself. I suppose the key is seeking any of those situations... Which I'm getting better at doing. I'm establishing new circles of friends to the extent that I can, generally trying to involve myself in life in a way I didn't before. Point is, I'm pretty damn horny and have a decent drive for life nowadays. And I'm not as bad as I thought I was. Finally managed to eke out my first kiss and heavy petting session... last week Which probably sounds pretty damn pathetic to anyone who's stuck with this so far, but I'm fairly proud of. I can't say that necessarily "gave" me confidence (more the opposite), but it didn't hurt as far as encouragement in other arenas... Well, if I can do it once I can do it again. I just had a later start than most people. ...ok, I've got a bit of a problem. There are precious few people I'm keeping from my old, pre-hermit existence for a variety of reasons, but there's one person I absolutely can't let go of... I love her, I've told her so. For most of the time she's known me, I've been a rather lackluster person. So I don't blame her for not feeling the same way. I'm a bit more pleasant to be around nowadays, but still, I feel like no matter how "good" I get, no matter how much I can manage to excel in life... She'll always just see me as the loser I was. Maybe that's why I've dropped a lot of people actually... They remind me of all the painful times. She really skewers me. On one hand I know that people's attraction doesn't really depend on how "perfect" someone is... But on the other hand, there's a part of me that keeps thinking... If I can even show her that I'm normal, won't that make some sort of difference. I mean, I have to DO something, don't I? Or am I missing the point? ...oh yeah. She's known her boyfriend since she was 9, and uhh is pretty cemented to him Even if their relationship isn't the healthiest or most enjoyable for her, she's not likely to leave him... And I'm not going to go into some bitter discussion, but he takes more liberties with it than she does... ...What would you do. I know I shouldn't need this girl's affirmation to consider myself legitimate in some way but... There's nothing I'd want more in the world, and as long as I live I don't think I'm going be able to forgive myself for ruining my chances with her long before I ever had any... I know this is a hard situation to judge, but what would you do personally? I just want to hear lots of views on this. Because sometimes I feel closer, and sometimes further... She may not be perfect... But there's no way I could ever forget about her. And I don't love her any less for it. Do I have a chance? Even if I don't... should I try?