...It's been a while. Musings.

[danglybanger]

Sorry for all the rambling for a relative unknown... But who better to talk relationships with It's really just nice to have somewhere to talk about things like this, so I don't care if anyone responds... LPSG rocks. Hell. Maybe this will inspire someone, who knows.

Probably no one who will actually remember me, but I made a lot of dumb, depression induced ramblings a few months back, and judging from those, anyone who remember is probably pretty surprised I'm alive.

But I am. And so is my penis. Yay for it. :tongue:

Anyway, I'm still a 21 year old virgin, to my sorta dismay, but I haven't til recently been giving that much effort so. I became a hermit more or less for the last few months, which hasn't really uhh helped that... In that amount of time I did, however, manage to recover most of the energy I'd lost, stop self sabotaging so much, and not bitch so much about myself... I've gone through periods of that state that could be measured in hours before, but never months... Which is pretty much how it's been. Or else I wouldn't be talking as if this was at least a sorta permanent way of existing.

Anxiety really does waste you, and it's a waste to be wasted... It took me a while just to learn to relax.

I've been trying to throw myself at the world more lately... I'm basically starting from scratch. I've lived a sheltered life and never really taken any risks... Self confidence is an issue for me. So going back into the world at this point is for me a lot like moving to a new town. I feel like a kid again.

I'm improving I think... There are still situations where I inexplicably feel stifled, but more and more I can be myself. I suppose the key is seeking any of those situations... Which I'm getting better at doing. I'm establishing new circles of friends to the extent that I can, generally trying to involve myself in life in a way I didn't before.

Point is, I'm pretty damn horny and have a decent drive for life nowadays. And I'm not as bad as I thought I was.

Finally managed to eke out my first kiss and heavy petting session... last week Which probably sounds pretty damn pathetic to anyone who's stuck with this so far, but I'm fairly proud of. I can't say that necessarily "gave" me confidence (more the opposite), but it didn't hurt as far as encouragement in other arenas... Well, if I can do it once I can do it again. I just had a later start than most people.

...ok, I've got a bit of a problem. There are precious few people I'm keeping from my old, pre-hermit existence for a variety of reasons, but there's one person I absolutely can't let go of... I love her, I've told her so. For most of the time she's known me, I've been a rather lackluster person. So I don't blame her for not feeling the same way.

I'm a bit more pleasant to be around nowadays, but still, I feel like no matter how "good" I get, no matter how much I can manage to excel in life... She'll always just see me as the loser I was.

Maybe that's why I've dropped a lot of people actually... They remind me of all the painful times.

She really skewers me. On one hand I know that people's attraction doesn't really depend on how "perfect" someone is... But on the other hand, there's a part of me that keeps thinking... If I can even show her that I'm normal, won't that make some sort of difference.

I mean, I have to DO something, don't I? Or am I missing the point?

...oh yeah. She's known her boyfriend since she was 9, and uhh is pretty cemented to him Even if their relationship isn't the healthiest or most enjoyable for her, she's not likely to leave him... And I'm not going to go into some bitter discussion, but he takes more liberties with it than she does...

...What would you do. I know I shouldn't need this girl's affirmation to consider myself legitimate in some way but... There's nothing I'd want more in the world, and as long as I live I don't think I'm going be able to forgive myself for ruining my chances with her long before I ever had any...

I know this is a hard situation to judge, but what would you do personally? I just want to hear lots of views on this. Because sometimes I feel closer, and sometimes further...

She may not be perfect... But there's no way I could ever forget about her. And I don't love her any less for it. Do I have a chance? Even if I don't... should I try?

 

[Yummy]

I don't think there's anything you have to forgive yourself for in regards to her, but I do think you shouldn't be pushing the issue. You've apparently expressed your feelings to her. That's good, now let your statements stand on their own, don't bring it up again, and just be a friend to her. If you continue to make good progress personally, your continued friendship and the way you live your life should speak for you. When she breaks up with her boyfriend, regardless of how long that takes, you may be surprised at her feelings for you. Then again, you may only ever be her friend, so you should decide if you can deal with that.

 

[Corius]

But remember that if your aim is sex-dominated you are, I firmly believe, headed for frustration. Concentrate on being a friend to those to whom you are attracted. Friendships don't get built overnight. And when the friendship becomes something more than friendship both parties will know. That is the ideal setting for something more to happen between you and you will be fortunate it it comes to pass in the proper setting with the necessary privacy. When you have been patient that long, the time when actual coupling seems the next appropriate way to confirm the bonding that you have built between you, you will know and your partner will know, and sex in that setting is of the not to be forgotten quality. And the repeat engagements just get better over time. Now, am I being romantic and unrealistic? I think not. It was that way for me and I don't wish anything less wonderful for others.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Dangly, I do actually remember you from before. My advice for you has not changed. Put more of your efforts into learning to like yourself, and less effort into trying to make people like you.

Your lady friend may actually be a symptom of your lack of self-confidence (my reasoning behind saying that is a bit more than I really want to go into in this forum) and you may be doing two things: setting a goal for yourself that you know you can't achieve, and setting yourself up for another failure. Don't do that to yourself. If she is likely to stay with her boyfriend, let her go.

Find something, anything, that you enjoy, and pursue it with passion. Many other things will fall into place if you can do that.

Good to see you back with us.

 

[Matthew]

DC's right, when you teach yourself to like who you are, the feeling is magnetic and will draw people to you. In terms of this woman - she's not the one you made out with, is she? You said she's got a boyfriend, so you need to be very careful putting all your eggs in that basket, so to speak. Better to keep up a friendship, and if she decides to break up with him, then maybe you've got a shot. But you still might be able to receive some affirmation from her in a friendship like that.

But again - affirm yourself first and don't depend on others for your self-esteem. It seems ridiculous until you try it, but if you treat yourself like someone loveable and sexy, that feeling becomes infectious ...

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

.... affirm yourself first and don't depend on others for your self-esteem. It seems ridiculous until you try it, but if you treat yourself like someone loveable and sexy, that feeling becomes infectious ...

True dat. I don't look anywhere near as good as I did at 20 but tend to draw a lot of people to me. A good personality goes a long way.