So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I won't meet them, and they won't recognize me
My given name is Kris, my real name is Phybe. I cut my skin when I'm too stressed. I was being treated with Prozac and welbutrin. And I started meds when i was 20. I've spent the past 5 years in a stupor, unable to feel, unable to think, unable to express how I feel with any certainty, so 3 weeks ago, I stopped taking Prozac to test things. Its like re-discovering a lost part of yourself. I have no job, never have, and I live at home with my mom and grandma. They don't know I identify as a woman, and they can never know, because we aren't a close family, we're really just three people living in the same place.
My mother gets on me about everything, and has taken to calling me a bum alot and putting me down. I want to get out of here, but I cannot do it alone, and I do not believe anyone can help me, solely because charitable people like that don't exist. Sure, they'll donate to a 'real' cause, and by definition, I'm within my own abilities to be abl to get a job but I can't step outside without having a panic attack, with or without Xanax
I want therapy, I would LOVE to see a therapist, or talk to someone who could help me, but they cost money, and I have none, and no way to obtain any. I often think about selling myself, but I suck at money management...perhaps because I've never had any. I think about everything so deeply and methodically. I've never done drugs, other than my prescribed medications from chronic asthma and allergies during my childhood.
Between the ages 12 and 20 I tried to end my life at least 6 times...I lost count after that. I've always believed what I need is a friend, someone who can help me in ways I'll never be able to get at home. A place to stay, perhaps help me get a job, help me find confidence, help me move from here. Again people willing to give without any real certainty that they will receive equal or even more don't exist.
I feel like giving up now despite being "only 25" because in order for someone to love me, they would have to accept and understand, comprehend and take everything that goes with i. I imagine I'm what many would call high maintenance... I need constant affection and smothering love. People don't do that, I missed out on a lot of it during the first 20 years of my life. And was bullied, picked on, and pursued to be a punching bag by whomever felt they had nothing better to do.
I've never had sex, but I'm not a prude. I've been addicted to hardcore pornography since I was 13, and it has been the only non-destructive release i've ever had. I impulsively masturbate every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day... and feel guilty and hate myself soon after I finish... a few of my suicide attempts occurred after finishing.
I learned 6 years ago, that I have XXY dna, which for me is a gift, being 2/3 female already. It's also called Klinefelter's syndrome, which means my testicles never developed beyond the size they were when I was 10. It also means I produce 0 sperm; I'm 100% sterile, and am the last of my lineage.
I have made friends online from MMOs that I've played. If you can call them friends. I've never met them, so for all intents and purposes, they're merely text behind the internet. And for all I know, they're only 'friendly' with me because they need someone to remind them their life is better than mine.
Shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, and pain have always been inside me. I imagine anyone who would try to connect with me, would have to be impossible to exist, because thy would have to be able to handle me. I've always felt that honesty is a must in a relationship. I could never be with anyone, lying to them from the start, only to reveal my deception later on. I must be honest and open about everything from the get go, so the other person is well informed of what they're getting into, and if they can deal with it. But then again, I only go through all this in my head should the moment ever arise, which it never has.
Why do feel like giving up now, because i haven't been loved by anyone? Because I have a facebook and myspace pages, and on both of them, every single classmate I had in the various schools i've attended has already been married, and are having children. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my hole of a room, fearing the world outside, and wanting so much to either disappear, or recreate myself secretly, provided I had help from someone on the outside who could actually provide a place for me to live so I could recreate myself.
So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I don't meet them, and they won't recognize me
so 3 weeks ago, I stopped taking Prozac to test things. Its like re-discovering a lost part of yourself. I have no job, never have, and I live at home with my mom and grandma. They don't know I identify as a woman, and they can never know, because we aren't a close family, we're really just three people living in the same place.
-Go back to prozac, if it was helping u, return ot it, when i was doing meds, i was with much stronger ones, no shame in taking prozac, i actually needed prescruiption to ask for them
I'm within my own abilities to be abl to get a job but I can't step outside without having a panic attack, with or without Xanax
-My cousin was the same, and u know what after a boat load of money spent on meds and doctors, it was all in her head, the best way to deal with a fear its just to face it directly, forget about little by little, just get out of your house running
I want therapy, I would LOVE to see a therapist, or talk to someone who could help me, but they cost money, and I have none, and no way to obtain any. I often think about selling myself, but I suck at money management...perhaps because I've never had any. I think about everything so deeply and methodically.
-Have you look on public hospitals?, im sure there must be a place where u can get some help, dnt worry most people doesnt do good with money, look as some lottery winners, sometimes they end up just where they started due to bad managment
Between the ages 12 and 20 I tried to end my life at least 6 times...I lost count after that. I've always believed what I need is a friend, someone who can help me in ways I'll never be able to get at home. A place to stay, perhaps help me get a job, help me find confidence, help me move from here. Again people willing to give without any real certainty that they will receive equal or even more don't exist.
-Well i have helped friends in tough moments, even with money, and i never ever ask the money back, so of course real friendship exist, but iyou have to make it happen first
I feel like giving up now despite being "only 25" because in order for someone to love me, they would have to accept and understand, comprehend and take everything that goes with i. I imagine I'm what many would call high maintenance... I need constant affection and smothering love. People don't do that, I missed out on a lot of it during the first 20 years of my life. And was bullied, picked on, and pursued to be a punching bag by whomever felt they had nothing better to do.
-Thats nor high maintenance
I've never had sex, but I'm not a prude. I've been addicted to hardcore pornography since I was 13, and it has been the only non-destructive release i've ever had. I impulsively masturbate every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day... and feel guilty and hate myself soon after I finish... a few of my suicide attempts occurred after finishing.
-4 times at day?, thats regular, nothing bad to feel ashamed
I learned 6 years ago, that I have XXY dna, which for me is a gift, being 2/3 female already. It's also called Klinefelter's syndrome, which means my testicles never developed beyond the size they were when I was 10. It also means I produce 0 sperm; I'm 100% sterile, and am the last of my lineage.
-Ok, so what if your dna its somewhat different, the legacy of a person its not only the blood, its much more things than just that
And for all I know, they're only 'friendly' with me because they need someone to remind them their life is better than mine.
-I doubt its that, sometimes u can envy another person life, but after all u have to do your best to improve yours too, it wont happen if u dnt want to
Shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, and pain have always been inside me. I imagine anyone who would try to connect with me, would have to be impossible to exist, because thy would have to be able to handle me. I've always felt that honesty is a must in a relationship. I could never be with anyone, lying to them from the start, only to reveal my deception later on. I must be honest and open about everything from the get go, so the other person is well informed of what they're getting into, and if they can deal with it. But then again, I only go through all this in my head should the moment ever arise, which it never has.
-I tought the same, and even i got chances to meet someone when i was at my worst moment, but it was me the one that rejected the idea of being loved, not the other person
Why do feel like giving up now, because i haven't been loved by anyone? Because I have a facebook and myspace pages, and on both of them, every single classmate I had in the various schools i've attended has already been married, and are having children. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my hole of a room, fearing the world outside, and wanting so much to either disappear, or recreate myself secretly, provided I had help from someone on the outside who could actually provide a place for me to live so I could recreate myself.
-To be honest, having kids at 26 for me its a huge NO, or marry, wait until you get to 30 at least, my mom was 33 when i born, so dnt worry for that
So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I won't meet them, and they won't recognize me
-There is, but its you mind that is playing tricks to you, like i said to you from my personal experience, forget what you think, cause it hasnt worked, and there is not point to keep thinking that, go the complete oposite, just like that, to get different results u have to stop doing the same things
I read all about my medications and what would/could occur when I stopped on my own. I did stop on my own, and have taken note of everything that has occurred and if it could/could not be as a result of the lack of fluoxitene in my system, but I believe all it did was cloud my thinking so I could not form complete thoughts. And lost my place when thinking or doing things frequently. I could not speak to you with these words, as I do now, three weeks ago before I stopped taking my Prozac.
I continue to take welbutrin and am convinced that it is all I need. I continue to play the charade that I am normal beyond words to my family. Yours may accept you, because it's how you were trained as you grew up, but you must realize not every family is alike, and not all families are based upon love. And just because someone pushed you out of their vagina and kept you in their house for 25 years after, it does not mean they will accept everything that you are, or help you through every challenge you have.
In relation to what Hilaire is talking about. Please click on them!
Atlanta Gender Explorations - A Transgender Support Group in Atlanta, Georgia
Support by State / Georgia :: The International Foundation for Gender Education & Transgender Tapestry :: Promoting Acceptance for Transgender People
MEGA Family Project
Gender Therapists for Transgendered, Transsexual and Crossdressers: Psychologists