It's time to end it.

mexdude

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Ok, i know exactly how u feel, and im almost the same age as you, well here is the short version of my past 15 years, well i was not only bullied at school since elementary school, but also from my dad side of the family, that went from i was 11 to 15, then when i was 16, my mother dies pretty much in my arms, i was alone with her, i couldnt do a thing, and as if that where not enough, i have a brother that i have to take care cause he is mentally disabled, so all his life he will need help, ive been 8 years in a semi lock up life, only being able to go out the saturdays, and yea all past 15 years ive been as alone as you, probably more the past 8, and yea during the first 4 of those 8 years i was as depressed as you, in fact i went to the psyquatrist for like 4 years, i did took meds, but the psyquiatrist itself was the thing that helped me the most, but a couple months away i just realize that i cant stop trying, i must keep trying to work for what i want, despite my few chances of meeting people, still i must, because all ive done the past, my advice, forget what u think, what u feel and do the oposite, i realize that if i listen to my friend a year ago i would be much better right now, do that, and yea keep trying with the profesional help, if one doesnt work, try another, as simple as that
 

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My given name is Kris, my real name is Phybe. I cut my skin when I'm too stressed. I was being treated with Prozac and welbutrin. And I started meds when i was 20. I've spent the past 5 years in a stupor, unable to feel, unable to think, unable to express how I feel with any certainty, so 3 weeks ago, I stopped taking Prozac to test things. Its like re-discovering a lost part of yourself. I have no job, never have, and I live at home with my mom and grandma. They don't know I identify as a woman, and they can never know, because we aren't a close family, we're really just three people living in the same place.

My mother gets on me about everything, and has taken to calling me a bum alot and putting me down. I want to get out of here, but I cannot do it alone, and I do not believe anyone can help me, solely because charitable people like that don't exist. Sure, they'll donate to a 'real' cause, and by definition, I'm within my own abilities to be abl to get a job but I can't step outside without having a panic attack, with or without Xanax

I want therapy, I would LOVE to see a therapist, or talk to someone who could help me, but they cost money, and I have none, and no way to obtain any. I often think about selling myself, but I suck at money management...perhaps because I've never had any. I think about everything so deeply and methodically. I've never done drugs, other than my prescribed medications from chronic asthma and allergies during my childhood.

Between the ages 12 and 20 I tried to end my life at least 6 times...I lost count after that. I've always believed what I need is a friend, someone who can help me in ways I'll never be able to get at home. A place to stay, perhaps help me get a job, help me find confidence, help me move from here. Again people willing to give without any real certainty that they will receive equal or even more don't exist.

I feel like giving up now despite being "only 25" because in order for someone to love me, they would have to accept and understand, comprehend and take everything that goes with i. I imagine I'm what many would call high maintenance... I need constant affection and smothering love. People don't do that, I missed out on a lot of it during the first 20 years of my life. And was bullied, picked on, and pursued to be a punching bag by whomever felt they had nothing better to do.

I've never had sex, but I'm not a prude. I've been addicted to hardcore pornography since I was 13, and it has been the only non-destructive release i've ever had. I impulsively masturbate every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day... and feel guilty and hate myself soon after I finish... a few of my suicide attempts occurred after finishing.

I learned 6 years ago, that I have XXY dna, which for me is a gift, being 2/3 female already. It's also called Klinefelter's syndrome, which means my testicles never developed beyond the size they were when I was 10. It also means I produce 0 sperm; I'm 100% sterile, and am the last of my lineage.

I have made friends online from MMOs that I've played. If you can call them friends. I've never met them, so for all intents and purposes, they're merely text behind the internet. And for all I know, they're only 'friendly' with me because they need someone to remind them their life is better than mine.

Shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, and pain have always been inside me. I imagine anyone who would try to connect with me, would have to be impossible to exist, because thy would have to be able to handle me. I've always felt that honesty is a must in a relationship. I could never be with anyone, lying to them from the start, only to reveal my deception later on. I must be honest and open about everything from the get go, so the other person is well informed of what they're getting into, and if they can deal with it. But then again, I only go through all this in my head should the moment ever arise, which it never has.

Why do feel like giving up now, because i haven't been loved by anyone? Because I have a facebook and myspace pages, and on both of them, every single classmate I had in the various schools i've attended has already been married, and are having children. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my hole of a room, fearing the world outside, and wanting so much to either disappear, or recreate myself secretly, provided I had help from someone on the outside who could actually provide a place for me to live so I could recreate myself.

So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I won't meet them, and they won't recognize me
 
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Drifterwood

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So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I won't meet them, and they won't recognize me

I don't know what is available in your country, JS, in fact I am pretty much on exactly the other side of our planet to you at the moment, but I will say that when you communicate like you do above, then people will recognise you. Whether you then meet them or not, I do not know, but you have taken the first step, and that is often the hardest. Good luck, it's way past my bedtime here.
 

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I strongly feel for you and can only make suggestions as to how to get you back on the right path of life. There are several places near to you that can provide you help and guidence that you require. Below are just some places which I have found. You need to continue to be strong and listen to the voice of reason and if that fails to be heard, then listen to the people around you. I think that the first step is to talk to someone professional and right after, remove yourself from your current living situation. Independence would be a huge positive step for you. Please have a look at some of the links below and may be even contact some of them or stop in a few of them. I dont know but may be some of them have government programs which assist in the re-location of people in need. If you dont have a look at any of them, PLEASE PLEASE have a look at the first link. If nothing else, do it as a personal favor to me. Im asking you, personally from the bottom of my soul to please please call that number right now.

SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain.

georgia.gov - Disability & Mental Health
Psychiatric Hospitals and Medical Centers
Georgia
Health Services in Cedartown, Georgia | Mental Health Services Cedartown
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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My given name is Kris, my real name is Phybe. I cut my skin when I'm too stressed. I was being treated with Prozac and welbutrin. And I started meds when i was 20. I've spent the past 5 years in a stupor, unable to feel, unable to think, unable to express how I feel with any certainty, so 3 weeks ago, I stopped taking Prozac to test things. Its like re-discovering a lost part of yourself. I have no job, never have, and I live at home with my mom and grandma. They don't know I identify as a woman, and they can never know, because we aren't a close family, we're really just three people living in the same place.

My mother gets on me about everything, and has taken to calling me a bum alot and putting me down. I want to get out of here, but I cannot do it alone, and I do not believe anyone can help me, solely because charitable people like that don't exist. Sure, they'll donate to a 'real' cause, and by definition, I'm within my own abilities to be abl to get a job but I can't step outside without having a panic attack, with or without Xanax

I want therapy, I would LOVE to see a therapist, or talk to someone who could help me, but they cost money, and I have none, and no way to obtain any. I often think about selling myself, but I suck at money management...perhaps because I've never had any. I think about everything so deeply and methodically. I've never done drugs, other than my prescribed medications from chronic asthma and allergies during my childhood.

Between the ages 12 and 20 I tried to end my life at least 6 times...I lost count after that. I've always believed what I need is a friend, someone who can help me in ways I'll never be able to get at home. A place to stay, perhaps help me get a job, help me find confidence, help me move from here. Again people willing to give without any real certainty that they will receive equal or even more don't exist.

I feel like giving up now despite being "only 25" because in order for someone to love me, they would have to accept and understand, comprehend and take everything that goes with i. I imagine I'm what many would call high maintenance... I need constant affection and smothering love. People don't do that, I missed out on a lot of it during the first 20 years of my life. And was bullied, picked on, and pursued to be a punching bag by whomever felt they had nothing better to do.

I've never had sex, but I'm not a prude. I've been addicted to hardcore pornography since I was 13, and it has been the only non-destructive release i've ever had. I impulsively masturbate every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day... and feel guilty and hate myself soon after I finish... a few of my suicide attempts occurred after finishing.

I learned 6 years ago, that I have XXY dna, which for me is a gift, being 2/3 female already. It's also called Klinefelter's syndrome, which means my testicles never developed beyond the size they were when I was 10. It also means I produce 0 sperm; I'm 100% sterile, and am the last of my lineage.

I have made friends online from MMOs that I've played. If you can call them friends. I've never met them, so for all intents and purposes, they're merely text behind the internet. And for all I know, they're only 'friendly' with me because they need someone to remind them their life is better than mine.

Shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, and pain have always been inside me. I imagine anyone who would try to connect with me, would have to be impossible to exist, because thy would have to be able to handle me. I've always felt that honesty is a must in a relationship. I could never be with anyone, lying to them from the start, only to reveal my deception later on. I must be honest and open about everything from the get go, so the other person is well informed of what they're getting into, and if they can deal with it. But then again, I only go through all this in my head should the moment ever arise, which it never has.

Why do feel like giving up now, because i haven't been loved by anyone? Because I have a facebook and myspace pages, and on both of them, every single classmate I had in the various schools i've attended has already been married, and are having children. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my hole of a room, fearing the world outside, and wanting so much to either disappear, or recreate myself secretly, provided I had help from someone on the outside who could actually provide a place for me to live so I could recreate myself.

So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I don't meet them, and they won't recognize me





Did you stop taking your meds under Doctor supervision? If not then you need to go back on your meds, and then return to your Doctor and discuss being moved onto other drugs which you are more comfortable taking. Xanax is only a temporary fix for anxiety, Lyrica or other alternatives are out there which may be more effective and which may help you to get out and about more.


The issues you describe are not uncommon, plenty of people with issues around gender go through periods of deep despair because they feel trapped in a life which does not make sense and does not seem to offer them a chance of happiness. You need to speak to other people who have been through gender issues, and who can relate to what you may be going through.

There are support networks of people out there and you can find others who understand you and who want to help you, not out of charity, but because they've been where you are now and don't want others to have to suffer alone.
 

yoursgetsmine

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There are two types of people in the world. #1-Alone and #2-lonely. Being alone does not always make a person lonely. I'm alone by choice. I have been married (way too young and ened up divorced), and I have lived with other women in the past, but like everyone else I was led to believe that EVERYONE should have SOMEBODY to fit in or to be happy. Everyone says I should "find" someone to complete my life now that I'm in my middle age life phase. I've lived a very busy life forever and actually enjoy my "alone" time now. It could be as simple as reading a book, watching TV, or just napping.

I've been busy through my jobs, my involvement in local community events, my hobbies (classic car shows and motorcycle riding), my personal intrests, my family, my pets, charities, church, etc., so you see, there is a lot to do, and a lot of benefit "outside" of a one on one personal relationship. Derive your worth from what you give and the contributions you can make to others, and not always does it have to be a personal/sexual relationship to achieve some manner of selfworth.

You're selling yourself short, and I have a feeling if you do involve yourself in these type of activities you'll expose yourself to a lot of new people, and you may be surprised that you'll meet someone who will see YOU and you'll see THEM, and who knows what will develop? Your age is still young, and you'll be better off as you get older to use that age and experience to make good choices, like marriage, kids etc., and not do what a lot of us did in our late teens or early 20's and that was to make short sighted, implusive BAD choices due to our immaturity or lack of experience.

There is an old saying: "If the young only knew what the old wished they could do" and in your case maybe that will apply to your advantage....so enjoy life, because we're all only here for a visit....and please don't tie into all the Madison Ave. portrayal of "what you're supposed to be or feel" in these commericals you probably put way too much stock in.

We're all different, we're all unique, and we all have our place in the world, and if you look down the ladder of life, there are probably a lot more people on the rungs below you than there are people on the rungs above you. Truth be told, none of us are totally happy, and we ALL have things we'd like to change about ourselves or our lives.

You have no timer on when or what will happen in your life, so just wind your life clock and please START TICKING!!! It's NEVER too late to start living!!
 

jinglschmidt

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I've called suicide hot lines before, and while I appreciate and respect your efforts, today is not the first time I've spoken of my life online. I have notes, several notes on my Facebook of tidbits of how I feel and what I think. I would share them, but then that would mean you would know my identity and could very well do something that leads to me in a straitjacket or padded cell, and I would blow my brains out before I went to a mental institution.

I've calmed somewhat, and not immediately suicidal, but if one can be suicidal all the time, I am. I just have occasional bouts of immediacy. I know how to go and how to do it right this time. If i truly wished to go, i wouldn't have said anything and would already be dead. perhaps there's some hidden part of me that initiates self-preservation by whatever means save mental instutions inside me...
 

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... And it has given me a huge releife that you have calmed your self down from earlier this morning. I have never spoke or insinuated any type of mental hospital because lets all face it.... Those places are not the best in our minds, however, I still beleive that you should have a look at support groups in your area. If nothing else it gets you out of your house for a couple hours and you get to talk to new people who are strangers and are going through EXACTLY what your going through.
 

mexdude

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Ok
so 3 weeks ago, I stopped taking Prozac to test things. Its like re-discovering a lost part of yourself. I have no job, never have, and I live at home with my mom and grandma. They don't know I identify as a woman, and they can never know, because we aren't a close family, we're really just three people living in the same place.
-Go back to prozac, if it was helping u, return ot it, when i was doing meds, i was with much stronger ones, no shame in taking prozac, i actually needed prescruiption to ask for them

I'm within my own abilities to be abl to get a job but I can't step outside without having a panic attack, with or without Xanax
-My cousin was the same, and u know what after a boat load of money spent on meds and doctors, it was all in her head, the best way to deal with a fear its just to face it directly, forget about little by little, just get out of your house running

I want therapy, I would LOVE to see a therapist, or talk to someone who could help me, but they cost money, and I have none, and no way to obtain any. I often think about selling myself, but I suck at money management...perhaps because I've never had any. I think about everything so deeply and methodically.
-Have you look on public hospitals?, im sure there must be a place where u can get some help, dnt worry most people doesnt do good with money, look as some lottery winners, sometimes they end up just where they started due to bad managment

Between the ages 12 and 20 I tried to end my life at least 6 times...I lost count after that. I've always believed what I need is a friend, someone who can help me in ways I'll never be able to get at home. A place to stay, perhaps help me get a job, help me find confidence, help me move from here. Again people willing to give without any real certainty that they will receive equal or even more don't exist.
-Well i have helped friends in tough moments, even with money, and i never ever ask the money back, so of course real friendship exist, but iyou have to make it happen first

I feel like giving up now despite being "only 25" because in order for someone to love me, they would have to accept and understand, comprehend and take everything that goes with i. I imagine I'm what many would call high maintenance... I need constant affection and smothering love. People don't do that, I missed out on a lot of it during the first 20 years of my life. And was bullied, picked on, and pursued to be a punching bag by whomever felt they had nothing better to do.
-Thats nor high maintenance

I've never had sex, but I'm not a prude. I've been addicted to hardcore pornography since I was 13, and it has been the only non-destructive release i've ever had. I impulsively masturbate every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day... and feel guilty and hate myself soon after I finish... a few of my suicide attempts occurred after finishing.
-4 times at day?, thats regular, nothing bad to feel ashamed

I learned 6 years ago, that I have XXY dna, which for me is a gift, being 2/3 female already. It's also called Klinefelter's syndrome, which means my testicles never developed beyond the size they were when I was 10. It also means I produce 0 sperm; I'm 100% sterile, and am the last of my lineage.
-Ok, so what if your dna its somewhat different, the legacy of a person its not only the blood, its much more things than just that

And for all I know, they're only 'friendly' with me because they need someone to remind them their life is better than mine.
-I doubt its that, sometimes u can envy another person life, but after all u have to do your best to improve yours too, it wont happen if u dnt want to

Shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, and pain have always been inside me. I imagine anyone who would try to connect with me, would have to be impossible to exist, because thy would have to be able to handle me. I've always felt that honesty is a must in a relationship. I could never be with anyone, lying to them from the start, only to reveal my deception later on. I must be honest and open about everything from the get go, so the other person is well informed of what they're getting into, and if they can deal with it. But then again, I only go through all this in my head should the moment ever arise, which it never has.
-I tought the same, and even i got chances to meet someone when i was at my worst moment, but it was me the one that rejected the idea of being loved, not the other person

Why do feel like giving up now, because i haven't been loved by anyone? Because I have a facebook and myspace pages, and on both of them, every single classmate I had in the various schools i've attended has already been married, and are having children. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my hole of a room, fearing the world outside, and wanting so much to either disappear, or recreate myself secretly, provided I had help from someone on the outside who could actually provide a place for me to live so I could recreate myself.
-To be honest, having kids at 26 for me its a huge NO, or marry, wait until you get to 30 at least, my mom was 33 when i born, so dnt worry for that

So yea, tell me there's someone out there for me if you wish to. If there is, I won't meet them, and they won't recognize me
-There is, but its you mind that is playing tricks to you, like i said to you from my personal experience, forget what you think, cause it hasnt worked, and there is not point to keep thinking that, go the complete oposite, just like that, to get different results u have to stop doing the same things
 

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There's more than 2 types of people... Perhaps there's only two for you, and that's fine; everyone is entitled to their individual opinion. I'm not young and dumb. I have lived alot longer than 25 years, 25 years is just a measurement of how many times the earth has rotated on it's own axis and the cycle around the sun, and how long I have been living during that process. I really despise people who hold to the concept that age automatically represents how long a person has lived, and how much wisdom they hold. I don't claim to be wiser than people older than I am; I do respect those older than me, who deserve respect. But do not for one second assume that because I am 25, I just need to make a series of dumb mistakes in order to fulfill some meaning model that many cling to. I'm not just lulled into believing I am alone and lonely. I KNOW that. I FEEL that. I have felt alone ever since the moment I realized I had no friends, and no one to miss me if I disappeared. Lonliness has gripped me from the moment it dawned onto me that I was beyond love, beyond compassion from others. Most people pursue what they feel fit the normal model for a human being. Some of us are outside the normal, we're so far out it takes someone with an extremely wide outlook to see us, or even notice we exist.

I don't just want to rush out and get hitched to the first person that says "I love you" to me. I don't even want children. I don't envy them, and I have an endless list of traits and genes I would never curse a child with. Still it's the CHOICE that was taken from me before I knew if it was there. Some people do not want children yet they have that CHOICE should they want to. I don't. That is what upsets me; that I do not have that choice, should I change my mind in time. I don't even want to be married, mostly because I don't believe in it. I feel it's a decrepit concept devised by religion to keep people out of happiness by placing institutions of restriction on them. not to mention it's very sexist by it's original definition. It's been twisted out of proportion as time has shifted to the new millennium and the time of NOW. The world is changing. I understand and comprehend that.

I want true love, which I already am aware is rare in humanity, especially in this day and age. I like older people, because I connect with them alot easier. I have always felt to not have been in the correct generation; it was a concept I believed from the beginning, and it has always been an underlying issue for me.

DO NOT believe that I want to die because of some sterotypical ideal. the one that most people think of when people mention suicide and love in the same breath. That they are giving up before even beginning, without even trying to find someone. Or disregarding that aspect of life and just enjoying their youth. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I'm still living when I'm 40, I may very well wish I could come back to now and change things, but that doesn't affect how I feel NOW. Things happen for a reason, which by definition means I'm supposed to be suicidal now for some reason. Follow down that line of thought deeper and you can also believe I've not succeeded in ending my life because I'm supposed to be here for some reason that has not become clear to me yet. And it won't come clear until it is time to.

I hate men in general, and not because I'm conflicted within myself. I hate everything they represent in this society. No offense to you all, I don't know you, and you all go into that pool of knuckle dragging, sex objectifying, testosterone poisoned neanderthals who know nothing of what humanity or decency is. Sorry, it's my opinion and it is how I feel.

Sure, I've met a few and have actually known a few who were true Men, and had earned the title of Man. But for the most part, I hate all straight men. Bisexual men, homosexual men, transgendered men are different for me, and outside the pool of the hated. That's my opinion and I am entitled to it. Sorry.

I express myself clearly probably because I think the exact same way I speak practically word-for-word. I don't know how other people think, or what goes on in their minds, but for me, I speak to myself as if I were narrating an autobiography of myself.

I'm not at the edge at the moment anymore, but I have many sides, too many to count, and I'm sure while most people do, I am not narcissistic. I understand that all people are individuals, and no two people are exactly the same. Even identical twins are by definition similar, not the same. But there are always exceptions to the rule.

I read all about my medications and what would/could occur when I stopped on my own. I did stop on my own, and have taken note of everything that has occurred and if it could/could not be as a result of the lack of fluoxitene in my system, but I believe all it did was cloud my thinking so I could not form complete thoughts. And lost my place when thinking or doing things frequently. I could not speak to you with these words, as I do now, three weeks ago before I stopped taking my Prozac.

I continue to take welbutrin and am convinced that it is all I need. I continue to play the charade that I am normal beyond words to my family. Yours may accept you, because it's how you were trained as you grew up, but you must realize not every family is alike, and not all families are based upon love. And just because someone pushed you out of their vagina and kept you in their house for 25 years after, it does not mean they will accept everything that you are, or help you through every challenge you have.
 

jinglschmidt

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Now i'm pissed, and don't ask me why. Sorry to be rash and rude, but I need to get away from some time. I need a distraction, feel free to reply or pm if you wish, but I won't see it 'til I return.

G'bye <3
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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I read all about my medications and what would/could occur when I stopped on my own. I did stop on my own, and have taken note of everything that has occurred and if it could/could not be as a result of the lack of fluoxitene in my system, but I believe all it did was cloud my thinking so I could not form complete thoughts. And lost my place when thinking or doing things frequently. I could not speak to you with these words, as I do now, three weeks ago before I stopped taking my Prozac.

OK Prozac isn't for you, that's fine. There are other medications (I know for your anxiety taking Xanax longterm isn't going to be helping and Lyrica or other meds are much more effective) and there are other forms of treatment, and there are groups you can join where other people in similar situations to you or who have been in similar situations can offer you support and comradeship. Did you take a look at the links XSILVER posted?

I continue to take welbutrin and am convinced that it is all I need. I continue to play the charade that I am normal beyond words to my family. Yours may accept you, because it's how you were trained as you grew up, but you must realize not every family is alike, and not all families are based upon love. And just because someone pushed you out of their vagina and kept you in their house for 25 years after, it does not mean they will accept everything that you are, or help you through every challenge you have.


OK you're definitely not the only person to have come from or be living in a dysfunctional family, and you're definitely not the only person ever to have gone through what you're going through now.

People get through this kind of stuff and have happy lives, and you can too. You need to stop discounting all the possibilities and opportunities for happiness in your future and focusing on ending things and start discounting suicide and focussing on life instead

There are people out there who can help you do that, you just need to reach out to them. If you reach out and grab life it reaches back and grabs a hold of you back.
 
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Life is not a road race. It's not the mileage of the race.....it's the pit stops that count. So I agree that age is not the only parameter here to measure one's experience or achievements. However, after reading your replies to everyone on this thread, I'd say you have a lot better handle on things than most of us first ventured to speculate on.

I'm thinking you say some things, and then counter the first statement you made...like you see all your past associates that are now married and have children but you don't, but that doesn't seem to interest you afterall (due to some traits you MAY pass on). It can't count against you if you don't want the choice in the first place. You can't lose what you don't have or in this case want you don't want in the first place.

You're well spoken in the written word, and quite thoughtful in your analysis of other's spoken words on this thread...so you can and do have a lot to offer others...but it seems your desire to hold yourself back or deny that interaction is by YOUR choice. I'm an extrovert by nature, and introvert on command....we all have choices and sometimes we have to make those choices for something to happen...not wait for others to do it for us.

If you're waiting for things to "just happen" and not facilitate them yourself....you could be waiting a long time. Most people have their own set of issues and problems to solve...so it may take your effort to reach out a little in their direction for some type of counteraction...and I'm not talking about just this subject.
 

yoursgetsmine

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As you drive down the road in an automobile, you'll notice that the front windshield has "10 square feet" of glass and that the rearview mirror only has "10 square inches" of glass.....there's a very good reason for this. Figure it out!
 

HappyBoi

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I only read a very small part of what you've written, I couldn't bare to read on since you're so depressing, and you seem to be stuck in your thoughts, driving every other thought away, so there's not much we can do then, since all you'll do is cling to your own thoughts and not listen to any others.

And the part about you having lived longer than 25 years.. but you're only 25 years old, is just odd.

"I have lived alot longer than 25 years, 25 years is just a measurement of how many times the earth has rotated on it's own axis and the cycle around the sun, and how long I have been living during that process."

That's the definition for age, or aging, sort of. Sure, it has nothing to do with wisdom, but.. you even say so in these sentences yourself, that those 25 years is a measurement for how many times.. and so on, and how long you have been living during that process. <- Which makes you 25 years old.

Anyway.. I hope you can open up some time, and take part of other peoples ideas and thoughts as well, right now you're stuck in your pattern - it's almost as a religious fanatic who stick to their claims and waves away everything else. :/
 

ArtofDesire

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jinglschmidt
Jinglschmidt, I've been following this thread. Thank you for saying that you've calmed down. I have been very worried for you. I think the members that have posted here have given you very sound advice. I hope you follow through with some if not all. You are part of our community. You are not truly alone even though I understand that you feel that way. Please stay with us.
 

petite

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You went off Prozac? When? Did you slowly reduce your dosage?

I ask because when I chose to stop taking it, I experienced SSRI withdrawal symptoms that included depression and suicidal thoughts. I knew it was the SSRI because I had never experienced depression or been suicidal before nor since then. I was also experiencing myriad other withdrawal symptoms including minor hallucinations and strange body sensations at the very worst of it. Your feelings right now could be temporarily induced by withdrawal symptoms, too. I did not return to normal for at least 2 months and I wasn't sure if I would survive that time period. It was one of the most frightening experiences in my entire life.

Please consider the possibility that your feelings right now have been caused by Prozac and that you may feel overjoyed in a few weeks that you waited because your enjoyment of life returns and you have so much to live for and experience and you don't really want to end your life.

SSRI discontinuation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome - August 1, 2006 - American Family Physician
SSRI Withdrawal Procedure: Getting Off Antidepressants May Be Made Easier
SSRI Stories

EDIT: I just reread that post. You quit Prozac 3 weeks ago? You ARE having withdrawal symptoms! You can't just abruptly stop taking them! It causes a serious drop in your dopamine levels and your brain ceases to function properly. I remember that I felt like my reasoning was perfect. Perfectly rational. And everything seemed crisp and clear, beautiful to look at, but cold and empty. There was no way to distract myself because nothing amused me, not conversations, or books, or TV, or movies. Of course not, my brain wasn't working, and it wasn't responding properly. I could think thoughts about them, but it was all without a single positive feeling, only despair or emptiness. And I had no motivation. Not for anything. I couldn't figure out what the point was of getting out of bed. I wasn't tired, there was just no reason to do anything. Nothing seemed worthwhile and my life felt pointless and I could make no argument for living that was convincing to myself. Except for one: that maybe the way I felt would be over in a few weeks, and then I wouldn't feel the same way anymore. That's what got me through it, the conscious realization that my mind was addicted to a drug and these feelings and experiences were a part of getting over that addiction and it would all be worthwhile after all. I was right about that. You have no idea who glad I am that I realized exactly what was happening to me and I chose to endure it until it was over, which I remember was hard. It was hard to do. Some minutes felt like they would take forever, but I held on to that goal of getting through it, just to see if it was all an illusion caused by that cursed drug Prozac. You can make it through this, but please find someone who can help you with it. Please. You'll be so glad you did. You have no idea how wonderful my life is now or how much I would have missed out on if I let that damn drug trick me into ending my life.
 
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LaFemme

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I strongly suggest you try checking out the above sites. Or try an online support group, for example:

The Transgender Boards &bull; Home

I have 3 transgendered friends - one who is married, one who is in a LTR and one who is single. None of them were happy prior to their transitions, and all got suicidal at different points in their lives. One of the things that helped all 3 were connecting with other who experienced the same things that they did. The did this with online support.

Google 'transgender support online'. There are several places to try.

You are not alone.