It's time to end it.

D_Tim McGnaw

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You went off Prozac? When? Did you slowly reduce your dosage?

I ask because when I chose to stop taking it, I experienced SSRI withdrawal symptoms that included depression and suicidal thoughts. I knew it was the SSRI because I had never experienced depression or been suicidal before nor since then. I was also experiencing myriad other withdrawal symptoms including minor hallucinations and strange body sensations at the very worst of it. Your feelings right now could be temporarily induced by withdrawal symptoms, too. I did not return to normal for at least 2 months and I wasn't sure if I would survive that time period. It was one of the most frightening experiences in my entire life.

Please consider the possibility that your feelings right now have been caused by Prozac and that you may feel overjoyed in a few weeks that you waited because your enjoyment of life returns and you have so much to live for and experience and you don't really want to end your life.

SSRI discontinuation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome - August 1, 2006 - American Family Physician
SSRI Withdrawal Procedure: Getting Off Antidepressants May Be Made Easier
SSRI Stories

EDIT: I just reread that post. You quit Prozac 3 weeks ago? You ARE having withdrawal symptoms! You can't just abruptly stop taking them! It causes a serious drop in your dopamine levels and your brain ceases to function properly. I remember that I felt like my reasoning was perfect. Perfectly rational. And everything seemed crisp and clear, beautiful to look at, but cold and empty. And I had no motivation. Not for anything. Nothing seemed worthwhile and my life felt pointless and I could make no argument for living that was convincing to myself. Except for one: that maybe the way I felt would be over in a few weeks, and I wouldn't feel the same way anymore. That's what got me through it, the conscious realization that my mind was addicted to a drug and these feelings and experiences were a part of getting over that addiction and it would all be worthwhile after all. I was right about that. You have no idea who glad I am that I realized exactly what was happening to me and I chose to endure it until it was over, which I remember was hard. It was hard to do. Some minutes felt like they would take forever, but I held on to that goal of getting through it, just to see if it was all an illusion caused by that cursed drug Prozac. You can make it through this, but please find someone who can help you with it. Please. You'll be so glad you did.




This is extremely good and extremely important advice, and really worth considering and taking seriously.
 
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The Tags on this thread are very worrying. I hope that instead of doing anything rash and irrevocable that you seek out the help of a real flesh and blood person whom you can talk to about your lonliness and your current sense that you think "it's time to end it".

You are a young man, you have decades of life to lead and decades in which to find love and companionship and enjoy life, and no matter how permamnent you may think your current state is, it isn't, tomorrow you will feel differently and a year from now you will feel completely different.

If there was even a chance that your current life would change for the better why would you give that chance up? And there definitely, undoubtedly is a chance, a very very big chance that your life will be better than it is now and sooner than you may think.


Whatever it is that you think makes you different consider that everyone feels alienated sometimes, everyone feel alone sometimes, and there are some people who feel alienated all the time and alone all the time, and yet they continue to enjoy their lives and live in a fulfilled and complete way.

If you suffer with depression then you can undoubtedly get treatment (or better treatment than you are getting now) and can be happy and not desparate. Knowing that, why would you give up instead?
^^ Couldn't have said it better myself.

And Jingle - good luck dude. Plz dont give up - awful tho this is, there must be a way to make things feel better for ya?

You do need help and support tho dude - ur situation is heart-breaking. Been in similar situations myself at times - i know the whole panic attack scenario, plus having to hide ur sexual identity must take its toll. There must be someway to get help tho - i think ud really benefit from a therapist (any way to tell ur folks u really need to speak to someone?).

Also, go back on the prozac, just for the time being - it helps you up just that little bit, while you seek help to improve things. All the best man, and I really mean that. :)

You need a big hug too, btw... :)
 
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bigbull29

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You have gender-identity issues, but things are now very, very clear: You are a beautiful woman.

My best friend in Australia was transgendered. She was so gorgeous, so warm, and so intelligent with so many male lovers. Decisions were hard for her at times, but because she LOVED who she was, she could find love. Unfortunately, you will never find love, sweetie, because you DON'T love yourself.

There is so much help and support now - lots of it, even though you don't see it! But there is light is at the end of the tunnel for you, no matter how pitch dark it is now.

You need help in self-acceptance; you need help for depression (cutting); you need for help anxiety; you need a support network; and you need to feel loved!

You do not need as much as money as you think, friend, for all these very curable problems (all are very related and stem from one or two different things). The "free" internet is a great place for starters (other forums for depression, gender-identity, etc).

Get yourself in a safe zone at some point (trannie friends, gay friends community). You deserve no harassment for the person you are. Get toxic people out of your life (if you can, and in a very non-violent way).

Mother and grandmother need to know who are you, and I'm sure they probably suspect you might like boys and sort of identify as a girl with all your feminine tendancies. If they don't accept you over time, they don't love you (I'm sure they do).

Flly like a bird, sing out loud with the strongest of voices, hold your head up high, and wear the highest of heels. Be you just because no one else is like you, making you the rarest of all gems.

You are so far from being alone, and the sun will shine for you. First, just be, friend, just be!

YouTube - Tiësto - Just Be
 
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jinglschmidt

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Thank you all for your concern. While I have no doubt I am going through a withdrawl of sorts, it's no different than from how I felt 4 weeks ago before I went cold turkey. I've dropped medicines before, and this isn't my first dance. Not everything is for everyone, and despite how my self-image transforms as often as my moods shift, I do maintain a constant belief that my will is alot stronger than I give myself credit. I know I'll not be able to convince anyone of anything regardless of what I say or do, when everything tells them that how I feel is a result of a lack of some chemical in my system. It's a multi layered and multi tiered issue, yet I am not sufferent from any sort of withdrawl anymore. I had a few days at most, then everything was back to normal. Prozac and welbutrin are not miracle workers, and they can not do anything my soul is not prepared or desiring to have happen.

As of this moment, I'm not suicidal, and am loving life. Can't say I will feel the same in a few hours, or even tomorrow morning; that's just how I am. Drugs don't work for everyone, and I'm one of those people. If anything I'd attribute my up and down feelings and moods to be due to my extremely low (if not near lacking) level of male hormones that my body produces.

My aliases have altered over time, but I have been bitching and moaning of my feelings and emotional turmoil for atleast 10 years now. I'm sure there's archives scattered over the internet from my various names... icutmyself03, whoami8505, jinglschmidt, jingleschmidt, casualobserver05, whoami8506...and those are the only ones I can recall off the top of my head, I've got others that stretch even farther back than those, I just cannot recall them.

my life story is scattered in pieces all over the 'net, you need only search for them, and piece it all together. =] This isn't new to me, and that's really what I'm trying to tell you. I have transgendered friends i've met in various online forums and other places. The problem I try to elaborate on is that regardless of everything, when I shut my computer off, they're cut off from me, and I from them. I have no human relations in person, and those are what I truly envy. I have no difficulty expressing myself over the internet; i've become quite good at that.

And I cannot recall who made mention of it, but as I pointed out earlier I do not like men. I am as far as face2face is, I'm in the closet transwoman lesbian. Online, and to my friends, i'm a proud transwoman lesbian. I've merely challenges in changing my lifestyle in person to match that which exists on the "information superhighway"
<3

~ Phybe ~
 

DasLeezard

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Oh honey, you're apparently in a great deal of pain. A lot of us have walked through a personal journey of hell on earth.

I'll give you the Cliff Notes on mine:
Heavily bullied, the 'sensitive child', the tomboy, the halfbreed (In my tribe, that is a painful way to be, because you're either a fullblood or you're not Native at all), the ugly chick, the 'forever virgin', the 'best friend I could never date', the worthless piece of shit, the straight-a student that is a failure if she ever got second place, the one to beat if you had a bad day, raped, the army slut, the chick with ptsd... raddaraddaradda you get my point.

I could be the one to tell you about the multiple suicide attempts, send you pictures of the scars, tell you about how I tried to kill myself when I was pregnant, or how I went bulemic so I could be thin and pretty when I died, and blow all this hot air in your direction about my personal black holes.

I can tell you about my own personal running of the whole plethora of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, and everything that is anti-deep end. I can tell you about electroconvulsive therapy being suggested to me because nothing had worked.

Fuck that shit. I'm going a slightly different route.

You know what's fun about life? Knowing that if you die, there is not a single person out there that can deal the exact same brand of personality that you have. Many imitators, never duplicators. Would you let the world get off that easy? I sure as fuck hope not.

The idea of a transwoman lesbian intrigues the shit out of me. I would love to know more about you personally, your inner turmoil in finding your place on this earth, how you interact with others, what you have learned from your existence, both good and bad. People from all walks of life intrigue me. I'm one of those rare people from Uber Consertavia that does not carry a single gram of fuck when it comes to ZOMG MORALITY, ZE BIBLE SAYS THIS, and OH WHAT A FREEEEEEAK!!! And believe me, my family tried to raise me like that. But humor those like me who HONESTLY want to know about you, and what it's like to fight the battles you've fought. I'm such an information whore.

There are some things in this world worth waking up for each day, but sometimes you don't know what the hell it's supposed to be... that's the fun. I mean, for fucks sake, Flavor Flav is opening a fried chicken joint in Iowa. Fucking IOWA. Holy shit I read that today, and about died. Little things like that to bring a smile to your face and your eyebrow to your hairline. It doesn't have to effect you directly, but geez, it's like a fortune cookie each day, but the sayings are all different every day... some days, the best part is a cold glass of water.

You're probably thinking to yourself "holy shit, this broad is nuts!!!!" Yes. Yes I am.

Wanna know what else is fun? Learning to let go of all the things you feel you must control. Every single aspect of life is not meant to have a certain, planned outcome. So the fuck what if you're still single??? Being divorced twice is no cakewalk. If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken my time. Loneliness is a bitch, but it beats feeling as if I failed twice. I can't control that shit now, so fuck it, you know? Take that same thought. Fuck em if they can't handle it.

Wake up and enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, because no two are the same.

I'll cut this short. Long rant, and I apologize. Know that there are those, even complete strangers (and they don't get much stranger than me), that gives a shit that you're feeling this way. If we didn't, don't you think this thread would be full of "Ok. Bye!" and "Can I have your stuff?" Shiiiiiiiit.....
 

willow78

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jingls, you are very lucky to be on LPSG. Reading through the comments on this thread, there are plenty of people here who care about you and are reaching out to you. You wouldn't find this love, concern and support on 'facebook' or 'myspace' etc.

You mentioned being shy and withdrawn. I'm a very shy person too, but in the three years I've been here, I've slowly opened up and made connections and friends. I've never met them but communicate with them often. I know you want more than just a friend, and so do I, but it's always nice to have someone to just talk/chat to and share your feelings with, especially in times when those negative thoughts and feelings are getting more frequent.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who wants to reach through the computer screen and give you a big hug.

Don't give up...
 
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jinglschmidt

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You're probably thinking to yourself "holy shit, this broad is nuts!!!!" Yes. Yes I am.

Well I wasn't until you put that thought into my mind xD j/k

we're all crazy in my view... it's a requirement to want to be SANE in this society, this world. I honestly wouldn't mind answering any questions... I'm not that swell at just volunteering information about myself... much better and answering questions o.o; I'm an open book for you all okay? Ask and I will tell.

This is the LPSG, so it's not like i've been shy regarding my penis o_O; which is what i'm normally shy about =o So, it's only fair to say I can be a 110% open book =)

Go ahead and ask, feel free to pm; either way I'll answer truthfully <3

~ Phybe ~
 

luka82

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Jingl I have been reading this thread carefully since your original post. The reason I haven`t posted anything before today was enourmous fear of writing something wrong. I have been reading carefully, and I agree with Willow, you have gotten some great advice. What I`m really pleased with is the optimism you have shown today. Maybe those are baby steps, but it`s something:):):)
Remember, life is beautiful, no matter how shitty it looks sometimes.
 
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You're far from the only person that feels like this. I've been bouncing from one form of treatment to another over the last several years. I'm only 22, but as long as I can remember I have been incredibly unhappy at the core of my being. Therapy, psychologists, medication, homeopathy, I've tried it all. As much as life seems shit, as much as I feel so tired and I don't want to try anymore, as much as my family may be a bunch of uncaring nutjobs, I at least have some very good friends. Even if I am mostly antisocial and hide away in my room from the rest of the world, there are a few people who can manage to get me to stop crying. I don't know you, you don't know me, but you're welcome to send me a PM if you feel like talking.
 

Daisy

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I havent read the responses word for word but pregnant women or women who might become pregnant should NOT take any SSRI's. They have been shown to cause birth defects. In case you think I don't know what I'm talking about PM me. They do.

Also as far as antidepressants go I have heard and also believe that a good physical fitness regimen will do far more. Hard, physical exercise can be a miracle drug.
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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I havent read the responses word for word but pregnant women or women who might become pregnant should NOT take any SSRI's. They have been shown to cause birth defects. In case you think I don't know what I'm talking about PM me. They do.

Also as far as antidepressants go I have heard and also believe that a good physical fitness regimen will do far more. Hard, physical exercise can be a miracle drug.


Though really people in all conditions should seek out the advice of their trained physician on these kinds of question.
 

wallaboi

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...Also as far as antidepressants go I have heard and also believe that a good physical fitness regimen will do far more. Hard, physical exercise can be a miracle drug.

I totally agree...physical exercise does not even need to be "hard" exercise. Anything that raises your resting heart rate can be psychologically beneficial. It is even better if this exercise takes you oustside of your immediate living quaters, if only for a short time...perspective.
 

Daisy

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Though really people in all conditions should seek out the advice of their trained physician on these kinds of question.

This is true and nobody should take advice solely from the web, but I can safely say that in all my adult life I've had VERY few doctors who were actually invested as far as my well being. They generally do what the textbooks tell them to do and what's right in front of their noses. I had been fed antidepressants for YEARS when what I really needed was hormones and the gym. Drugs may indeed help some people but doctors are way too quick to prescribe drusg.
You will always be your own best health care advocate. I went for 15 years without being diagnosed with hypothyroidism which causes a whole host of symptoms which cam mimic depression. A long series of "trained physicians" didnt do jack shit for me! I finally diagnosed myself! Just saying..doctors are ok for the final word on things but I dont believe for a second that they know better than I do, or that they fully research and carefully consider your history before whipping out their little notepad and writing a prescription.
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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This is true and nobody should take advice solely from the web, but I can safely say that in all my adult life I've had VERY few doctors who were actually invested as far as my well being. They generally do what the textbooks tell them to do and what's right in front of their noses. I had been fed antidepressants for YEARS when what I really needed was hormones and the gym. Drugs may indeed help some people but doctors are way too quick to prescribe drusg.
You will always be your own best health care advocate. I went for 15 years without being diagnosed with hypothyroidism which causes a whole host of symptoms which cam mimic depression. A long series of "trained physicians" didnt do jack shit for me! I finally diagnosed myself! Just saying..doctors are ok for the final word on things but I dont believe for a second that they know better than I do, or that they fully research and carefully consider your history before whipping out their little notepad and writing a prescription.



I dunno, maybe it's different in the States, but I have several long term physical conditions, one or two of which are extremely serious, and I've never had a physician as poor as you describe. Most of them have been highly professional, well informed, and very interested in me and my health.

Certainly you're right though that ultimately your health is your responsibility and it's up to everyone to research and investigate the health issues they face, complete reliance on the word of any one single person including a physician isn't the wisest course of action. But it's also unwise to ignore the huge source of knowledge and expertise a trained physician has which most people do not have.
 

Incocknito

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I don't really want to make this about the "culture of medication" but a medication is the same as armbands (water wings).

They might 'help you' stay afloat. You'll look stupid and won't be able to move particularly well. But you won't drown because of the armbands.

But if you take the armbands off, you will drown. You will drown because you don't know how to swim (in this analogy anyway). So in order to stay afloat indefinitely you need to learn how to swim.

Some people look like they're amazing swimmers who are just treading water. But we all have our 'doggy paddle' moments. Where we are struggling with something.

We all have our own unique ways of swimming (ie dealing with problems).

Let's just say in your case schmidt that you are swimming but you have a cramp in your leg. Hurts doesn't it?

But this cramp is not physical, its in your head. Like most people's problems. For some reason you think that you are incapable of being happy without being "in love" (whatever that means).

But if you can't be happy on your own what makes you think you can be happy with someone else? If you are happy within yourself then you will find someone else and be happy together.

Your thinking is what needs to change. You are stuck in a negative pattern. Just go with the flow. Try to keep an open mind. Try not to see events as good or bad but simply as events. Happenings.

We all get cramps from time to time. Swim through it :cool:

Shakespeare quotes:

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"
"Men harm others by their deeds, themselves by their thoughts"

Of course I'm saying all this but even I struggle sometimes to "stay positive". Lots of people do. Most people are walking around with cramps that are years or even decades old.

If you are open to change; the possibility of finding someone, the chance of finding a quarter, winning the lottery etc then you will find that good things start to happen because you want them to.

If you are only looking for the bad things then bad is all you will see. Even if something good is right there in front of you.
 

luka82

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A good therapist and prescribed drugs do miracles, and lots of support! My sis has had a very tough mental condition, it was psychosis. She was on wrong meds for years, during that time she has lost ALL her friends, stayed in her little world, little room for hours and we didn`t know what we were doing wrong. It was literally killing me. She has seen every doctor in my town, they all treated her depression, no one said anything about psychosis. I have realised that they are doing something wrong, so we have decided to take her to a mental clinic, all the uni teachers worked there, it was so hard to get her in, they have decided she needs to be there a month, I was soooo scared, i went to see her almost every day, it was a great hospital with great rooms, lots of light, good food, actually it`s kinda the only mental institution that doesn`t look like a prison in my country, yet it was scary. She got better, and better, and better! And she is great now, she makes me happy! She decided to finish uni, and she is one exam from it. She laughs, she has friends again, she isn`t at home! When she is at home she studies, she has interests. She doesn`t have that dead face!
Point is, my sis had me and my parents, mostly she had me. We don`t have support groups like you do. Not having someone to talk to in your own family must be horrible! But you have a chance in such support groups to meet new people, people who are going through the same. Make the best of it. The things we forget about illness is that we can hardly be the first case! Docs have seen most of it, and luckily we have meds for most things nowadays.
Docs, prescribed meds and activity! My sis excercises every single day, she has gotten a lot of weight because her pills made her eat at night, she was very skinny before. But she is a happy person and a beautiful woman, now.
 
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yoursgetsmine

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If you get nothing else from this thread, it's a lot of people have problems and issues that most of us don't...and it's ALWAYS easier to give advice than to take advice.....but one thing is always true....when you sit in the stands you certainly see a lot of possibilities that the players on the field can't see because of your being away from the playing field and seeing things from the "outside" and not the "inside" where we tend to be myopic by nature (think of seeing the whole "forest through the trees" situation).....having said that, just because you weren't in an automobile accident, doesn't mean you can't see or even feel a victims pain by just your observing theirs.........but I do realize it's hard to tell someone what an orange tastes like when you haven't tasted an orange.

Friends tell friends what they need to hear, and not always what they want to hear....and it's painful sometimes for both parties and sometimes has consequences on the friendship...but that's why you're a true friend. And one parting comment...."friends are the family we choose" and families DO disagree and argue sometimes, but we do get over it if we're smart, because TRUE friends are rare.

Most friends are like the tide...they come and they go, but like the ocean, true friends are always there.
 

onewatcher

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Sweetheart, I read your post a couple days ago, and have been thinking about you ever since. What I came up with is this... You talk about being unloveable, however there are so many people here, unknown to you , that have showered you with love. What I would suggest to you is, take whatever antianxiety meds you need to walk throught your front door and go to the nearest convelescent hospital an become a volunteer. There are so many people there without family or friends that have so much love to give someone, and will instantly recognize in you, someone that could use their abundant love.. With your talent as a writer, I'm sure you could talk ,tell them stories that would help them not to focus on their own problems... You will find them understanding and nonjudgemental... They will be able to help you with your own problems in ways not b even therapyst could.... You too are full of love that you can give to someone. Once you start giving love, you will receive love. Another place to receive love is for you to volunteer at an animal shelter. Talk about unconditional love ! Sweet person, my own sister tried many times in her younger years to end her life. She's now in her 50's and for the last ten years has been with a man who idolizes her. We never know what is going to be around the corner for us.. You are a beautiful person that has been delt some difficult blows early on. Trust me, your life will change for the better.. Know this, I ,and several others on this great site love you, and care about you!!!!
 
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People......welcome to life................................that's the way it is!!!

Gee what a remarkably helpful and sensitive thing to say.

Yeah, life can suck horribly and trying to get over some things is sometimes a good thing, but it can be damn hard to do that. And as someone who has been in the ER and a psychiatric ward because of a serious suicide attempt, being told things like that that isn't going to be helpful at all.