I've fallen for a co-worker..

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Biggusdickus, Oct 6, 2010.

  1. Biggusdickus

    Biggusdickus New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2006
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I don't often post on this forum, I'm more a reader but I'm in need of advice and a place to vent my thoughts & feelings!

    I've been in my current job for two years and work in a team of 6 and I've really fallen for one.

    Where do I start?

    He's charming, he's great looking and we get a long like peas in a pod. He is how I picture my perfect man. Whenever I'm feeling upset/down I think of him and it makes me feel better. If I'm having a bad day at work he never fails to bring a smile to my face. When I'm around him I have this strange feeling, almost like everything is alright in the world. Most days I spend 80% of my time working with him. We always have moments where there's a "tension" in the air and we go silent, We always find an excuse to work together. His body language and the way he acts around me vs. our colleagues makes me believe the feelings may be mutual.

    The problem?

    I'm a young 20 something gay male and he's a "straight" male in his mid 30's with 3 kids and a partner. I could tell him and potentially ruin our friendship and the healthy work environment or he'll echo my feelings. If so I could potentially ruin any contact he has with his kids and really hurt his current partner.

    I've had these feelings for about a year and a half and it's starting to get me down. I'm struggling to keep myself quiet and don't know what to do. I've dated other guys but I'm constantly comparing them to him. He always wins.

    If you were in this situation, what would you do?
     
  2. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2005
    Messages:
    411
    Likes Received:
    7
    Dude!

    Why don’t you just dip your ass in honey and run through a grizzly bear den.
     
    #2 Chase1600, Oct 6, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2010
  3. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    764
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    230
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    I always gravitate towards threads like this, and I really feel for you. I'm a married, mostly straight male with a family I love more than anything. Almost exactly a year ago, a hot 20 something gay male I had admired for several years at the gym (actually, he was the guy I was most attracted to out of all of the guys there) made a pass at me. We jerked off and made out (and did a little oral) in the sauna and the steam room about once a month until this summer when we arranged to meet outside the gym and fool around in a more relaxed environment. A week and a half later, he moved to another city in another time zone to go to grad school. It turns out, in addition to being extremely cute, he is extremely smart and accomplished. Completely unexpectedly, I had, over time, developed genuine feelings for this guy. It really fucked me up. But, as sad as I was that he moved away, the rational part of me is really relieved. Had he stayed, I could have let my dick - and, I hate to admit it - my heart, lead me into a lot of trouble.

    My advice, and I know it may sound disingenuous coming from someone like me (and I'm not suggesting I blame him at all - I blame myself 100%), is to find someone without a family to break up.
     
    #3 DavidXL, Oct 6, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2010
  4. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Resist ALL temptation to talk to him about it, unless he unmistakably brings it up first. It is simply not worth the risk to your job or your well-being at your place of employment, especially because you work so closely with this guy.

    What do you think causes the "tension in the air" between the two of you? Are you or he doing anything, including non-verbal communication, facial expressions, etc. that could be creating this tension. How does the tension get resolved? What allows the silence to dissipate?

    Believe me, I speak with the voice of experience on this. I've still got a guy making harrassing (low level) phone calls to me almost two and half years after I left a job for reasons unrelated to him.

    Can you move to a different team without raising suspicion or being disruptive to your work? And even if you were to switch teams to perhaps make it easier on yourself, I still strongly urge you to leave it alone.

     
    #4 B_RedDude, Oct 6, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2010
  5. ackomack

    ackomack Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2005
    Messages:
    32
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisville
    Do nothing. Find another man.

    Unless you have definitive proof that the guy is bi or that he's ever been interested in pursuing a relationship or hookup with guys, you need to drop it and move on.

    The guy is probably just being nice and enjoys working with you--as a coworker--and you're likely projecting your feelings onto the situation. Say something to him and you'll screw up a good friendship and an enjoyable work dynamic.

    Here's your lesson for the day:
    Straight men who are nice to gay men aren't flirting.

    Believe me, I wish it weren't the case! I also have a huge crush on a co-worker who I think is straight. But I'm smart enough to not act on it and to not fixate on him as a possible romantic partner. While single, he shows no signs of being gay or bi but instead talks of his future as including a wife and kids. I respect his words, so I take his comments at face value.
     
  6. Lillian_Hellman

    Lillian_Hellman New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Between Philadelphia and the Lehigh Valley, Pa.
    Now that's not a very nice thing to say. Shame on you!
     
  7. Lillian_Hellman

    Lillian_Hellman New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Between Philadelphia and the Lehigh Valley, Pa.
    My sweet 20y.o friend, take your love out for a "couple of drinks" ("Just A Couple!", like John Candy used to say, on SCTV). Someday, when it wouldn't inconvenience him in any way, maybe your birthday or something. As all my old chums used to say, : TRUTH COMES OUT WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!
     
  8. Biggusdickus

    Biggusdickus New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2006
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Perfect, any brand recommendations? Shall I cover my entire bottom?

    Not that answer I want but I know it's the right thing.

    The tension is usually resolved by laughing it off. There's a lot of flirty non-verbal body language from him, finding an excuse to touch me or poke me etc. Always opening his legs and making himself bigger around me. Rubbing my hair, long glares at me. A few close-up glares at each other. Sending me a picture of him in the gym and asking me to send it to any female friends.

    As someone has said I'm scared I'm just projecting my thoughts on a situation and reading it how I want to read it when, in reality, it's just him messing around.

    It would never harrass him.

    I can move teams without too many complications but I love the team I'm with and my supervisor. I could end up with a team I don't get a long with. This "crush" is not affecting my work, YET, but if it did I would switch to another team.

    We have social drinks between the team every now and again but he does not go out with us. In his words "I not gone out for a social drink and not shagged someone, I'm an animal." I'm a big believer in people being more truthful, albeit a bit exaggerated, when drunk. Personally, I think alcohol can only make the situation worse.
     
    #8 Biggusdickus, Oct 7, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2010
  9. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2005
    Messages:
    411
    Likes Received:
    7
    If I wasn’t nice, I apologize. I hardly think it qualifies as tough love, but it is well meant and big guy I stick by it. Dude, you are drawing disaster. What could you do worse? Dip your ass in honey and go in a grizzly den. That’s about it.

    This is your job. We got a bad recession – no time to risk your position.

    The man is taken. Even if he makes a move, you have a decision – there’s “taken” and then there’s “taken” – so it’s hard to judge. But making a move on someone who is taken is not something we should ever recommend and instead we should recommend don’t take the chance.

    You have a great relationship with this guy. It’s been my experience substantiated by more than a few threads in this forum, that we gay guys can convince ourselves something is clicking with a straight guy only to discover his bonding to us means something wildly different. I know when I responded it was the same as speeding into a brick wall – actually way worse than if I’d simply and mistakenly suggested something to just any guy who turns out to be straight.

    I could go on. This situation is a bear’s den for you. I think making any move, unless he makes a clear move, is going to be a disaster for you.

    Now shame on me for telling you how I see it. One of the things I like about LPSG is that like Lillian_Hellman [who is, herself, being way nicer than her namesake], we are kind to one another. We often encourage. But telling one another it’s OK when we think it’s got disaster potential is not protecting one another.
     
  10. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Biggus, does this guy know that you're gay or bi?

    Because if he does, and maybe even if he doesn't, the way he is interacting with you is totally unfair to you. When you say "making himself bigger" do you mean he's getting hard in your presence on purpose? This could clearly constitute sexual harrassment on his part. I would definitely not make any move with this guy, because he sounds like trouble. I don't appreciate straight guys pulling this type of shit at work, because you're the one who is trapped there with your attraction, emotions, etc. It's out of line on his part, even if you do find yourself enjoying it. I may sound over the top on this, but, as I said, I speak from experience.

    I was not suggesting at all that you would harrass this guy. I was just relating that I'm still being harrassed on a low-level by a guy I haven't worked with in two and half years.

     
  11. Daisy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2009
    Messages:
    4,995
    Likes Received:
    333
    Gender:
    Female
    I think the fact that he does NOT go out for drinks tells you everything you need to know. He is clearly trying to keep himself out of trouble. If he were willing to take things further he would create opportunity for you to be alone together. The fact that he doesnt should let you know that this is fun for him, but that he wants to keep it more as a fun flirty fantasy and not reality. You, on the other hand are young and have lots of opportunity to go out and find a real partner that you can have a real relationship with and not just a fantasy. As much as it sucks, this guy is off limits.
     
  12. Daisy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2009
    Messages:
    4,995
    Likes Received:
    333
    Gender:
    Female
    and.......as Red dude said he is playing games with you. The part about sending you pics of him at the gym..thats a little tacky. He should know better than that.
     
  13. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Why, if he's got a partner, is he asking you to distribute photos of him at the gym to your female friends, anyway? Does he want you to pimp him out? I don't know, maybe he and the girlfriend have an open relationship or something. Sounds, though, like he might be doing it, at least in part, to tease you.

    And the guy won't go for after-work drinks because he would wind up shagging someone? Every time? Seems like the guy lacks self control, even when he's in the office.

    I hate to sound moralistic, or like an uptight old prude or something, but straight guys shouldn't be doing things like this to us at work. It can turn us into captives. I love having fun, playful relationships with my colleagues, but this guy crossed the line a long time ago.

     
    #13 B_RedDude, Oct 7, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2010
  14. Biggusdickus

    Biggusdickus New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2006
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm very openly gay in the office, he's always asking me how it's all going etc. I'm the only out gay in the office.

    By making himself bigger I mean opening his legs, putting his hands on his head, pumping up his chest etc. All little things but if you were to see it in person you'd understand!

    I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

    Without going into too much detail he has problems with his partner. He's never been a loyal man.
     
    #14 Biggusdickus, Oct 7, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2010
  15. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Believe me, I know what you mean.

    This guy sounds like kind of a bad boy. It's fine to be friendly and have fun with him. Just enjoy him, but please, as much as you can, don't think about taking things any further. I know it's hard when you work so closely together, but you never know how far you can go before you cross his line and get a bad reaction from him. Sorry, don't mean to piss on your party.


     
  16. Rob_81

    Rob_81 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2009
    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny Tampa, Florida =]
    Biggus: I fell for my coworker and now we're dating. We're very happy. We've been together for about 6 months. Sometimes, it's best just to jump in and see what happens, believe me, in my experience, it's worth it.
     
  17. Lillian_Hellman

    Lillian_Hellman New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Between Philadelphia and the Lehigh Valley, Pa.
     
  18. Lillian_Hellman

    Lillian_Hellman New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Between Philadelphia and the Lehigh Valley, Pa.
    I think the fact that he sent pictures of himself, ostensibly to be used to send 'to any women he might know' characterizes him immediately as a player who is already WILLING to risk his alleged happy home/wife & children. Maybe BiggusDickus should turn the tables a little & in a silent moment grab the s.o.b.'s hand, hold it, kiss it/caress it while looking into his eyes slowly say, (low breathed & sensually) -- "There's been something I've been wanting to tell you, something since the first day i met you [really pour on the puppy-dog eyes @ this point], "I think I have feelings for you",- then wait for a theatrical two heartbeats-timing to instantly gauge dream-boy's reaction [whether awkward or not) - then before there's time for a Ca. civil ceremony -- smile a big smile, let go of his hand and say "Psyche!!!":tongue:

    (assuming he'd let you go that far... obviously u'd need to have some good timing & know where to place that all-important "Psyche" interjection", lol)

    In the least, it may just let the cat out of the bag [or perhaps just it's paw] but you have then set the foundation w/which to play psycological gaes on him - AD keep ur guard up...

    Does that make any sense?

    -[sorry, i'm new @ this...just joined yesterday 10-07-10]



     
  19. Lillian_Hellman

    Lillian_Hellman New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Between Philadelphia and the Lehigh Valley, Pa.
    woops, meant 2 say:

    but you have then set the foundation w/which to play psychological games on him - AND keep ur guard up...

    Does that make any sense?


     
  20. haulthat

    haulthat Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2010
    Messages:
    293
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    If someone is married with kids, let it be. Its natural to have feelings for someone who is a really good person. If they are genuinely a good person, they aren't going to cheat and screw up a marriage and family just to get their dick wet. Just because things are amazing in the context of a friendship doesn't mean they would be that way in a relationship. Personally, not to judge anyone who has another opinion, but I take it to the opposite extreme. If a man I know has a wife, with or without kids, even if he comes on to me its not gonna happen. If their in an open relationship CONFIRMED, not according to him, that's different but I haven't encountered that yet.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted