Jealousy-- I has it

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by helgaleena, Jul 30, 2010.

  1. helgaleena

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    Perhaps it is a symptom of my overall inhibited emotional nature, but I like to think I am above such petty things as begrudging others their happiness together.

    However I am not. I have envy of those who have gotten their chance to die already, who have gotten their fifteen minutes of fame already, who are in stable and permanent partnerships already, whose gardens do not have Japanese beetles, whose children have given them grandchildren to amuse them already, whose bones do not ache, who can stomach their average human neighbors and enjoy saying hello to one another without faking it. I am jealous and I feel inferior, stupid, and a waste of genetic potential.

    And kvetching to you all I realize that my relative wealth and comfort in comparison to the majority of homo sapiens do not erase this when I have to share MINE, to which I in fact have no entitlement.

    I would love to bloom where I am planted, if only my roots were a little less nibbled...

    What solutions do you have to envy, jealousy, coveting? How do you excise it?
     
  2. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    My solution was to simply stop caring. I've accepted the fact that I'll always be alone and there's nothing I can do to change it. Seeing an attractive woman used to make me feel depressed, since she wouldn't even give me the time of day. Now, I just don't care... I guess it's a good thing I'm not "hung" since I'd never get to use it.
     
    #2 minimag, Jul 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2010
  3. HiddenLacey

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    Oh!! Your such a lovely person and you always give such good advice. Are you sure you are suffering from jealousy and not just a bout of envy?

    All of our lives are different, we each choose our own path. Finding out how to be happy with yourself and your life and to not covet others can be difficult. Whenever I feel envious of another I try to remind myself that though their life may look perfect from the outside, there are things on the inside that I cannot see.

    I definitely find myself becoming sad or preoccupied with the things I wanted in my life that I do not have, but unfortunately sometimes we just have to accept things do not always turn out like we wish.

    I try to focus on the wonderful things in my life. This always seems to help me:smile:
     
    #3 HiddenLacey, Jul 30, 2010
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  4. helgaleena

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    Submissivegirl, I am not sure what the difference between jealousy and envy is, except that one is said to be jealous of a specific person and envious of many at once....

    Counting one's blessings sounds like a good thing to try.

    Minimag, you sound terribly depressed as if you have given up on your pursuit of happiness entirely! Surely there is something in your life that gives you pleasure, such as it is.
     
    #4 helgaleena, Jul 30, 2010
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  5. dongalong

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    Since all those negative thoughts only occur inside your mind, you can learn to become aware of this by taking an imaginary step outside your mind to analyse the big picture and do a "reality check".

    Ask yourself honestly lot's of why, how, what... questions and try to answer them but only using the real facts and evidence that surround you.

    For example:

    You mind says, "That bitch next door just bought a new Jaguar and all I have is the same shitty old Toyota"

    Step back and analyse the reality.

    Ask and answer some questions about how she managed it:

    What did she do to deserve it?
    What did I do not to deserve it?

    Maybe last year she worked hard and earned a bonus whereas I was very lazy.

    You will have to overcome your ego to answer the questions honestly and it will be necessary to be self critical but in the end your understanding of the real situation will defeat those illogical thoughts that were invented in your mind.

    It's good that you want to get rid of your jealousy, it can make other people's lives a misery.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    Aha, the scalpel of logic! I approve. In theory anyway.
     
  7. sxjTheFirst

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    We can't control our thoughts feel them jealousy included. Then see if you can make any actual on the ground solutions for some of the issues like the Japanese beetle (pun intended).
    Though to be honest I am not feeling too great about myself in comparison to others myself so maybe I shouldn't be giving out advice.
    Good luck!
     
  8. DasLeezard

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    I take the player hater route: I hate on bitches until they're broke and don't have shit, like me.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    sxj, I suppose all of us feel insecure in some area or other. It just hits me in big batches sometimes. I console myself that feelings tend to change, like weather.

    A solution to jealousy of a car, for example, is to stop looking into that neighbor's yard until you can stand to do so without feeling hurt. I am trying to do similar to that.

    Leezard, please don't hate me! :shock:
     
  10. Bbucko

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    To me, jealousy is the feeling of being betrayed by someone over whom you feel the right to some proprietary control.

    Envy is wanting something you haven't got: by my standards, at least, you're feeling envy and are angry at yourself for feeling it.

    <sigh> <big hug>

    About six years ago I broke up a toxic nine-year relationship and began to make my life over with the goal of simplicity in mind. This involved surrendering not just nearly all of my material possessions, but eventually involved surrendering a 25+ year career that I'd burned out on completely. It also meant that, though not being commitment-phobic, I needed to learn that if I'm never in another relationship again, that would just be the way it was.

    It was, in many ways, a kind of ego-death. Though I'd always said that the true measure of a man is not what he has but in his ability to feel and love, I'd grown increasingly materialistic and the words rang a little hollow. In my zeal to edit and simplify, it sometimes feels as though I've thrown out not just the baby and the bathwater, but the tub, too. The level of simplicity I've been able to maintain, especially over the last four or so years, is practically monastic.

    There are occasions when I think back on a small part of my life, just a moment or two from my past, and wish I could go back. But then I step far enough away to remember the whole picture of what that part of my life was really like and I'm no longer so enthusiastic, as everything was so very fucking complicated. I may or may not have been happier but I've never lived with such simplicity before, and that simplicity has both its pleasures and challenges.

    It's really, ultimately, what I wanted, even if the journey of letting go proved much more difficult than I could have imagined.
     
  11. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    If I cared, then I might be depressed, or need to persue happiness. But, since I don't care, I don't have the driving need to be happy. I mostly just spend my time trying to avoid boredom. I guess I need to make a new "bucket-list" since I completed the first one before I even turned 30. :p
     
  12. D_Rosalind Mussell

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    Helga, I can relate with what you said so very much and I feel for you. I experience those types of feelings myself and I don't like it at all. I don't feel that way all the time but when I do I recognize it for what it is, which is a byproduct of my life circumstances.

    If I'm having an especially difficult day it is easy to dwell on the fortune of others and ask myself why I am lacking. The reality is that the grass is never greener on the other side and I have to remind myself of that. Appearances are just that, they don't tell the whole story. I do understand how you feel, though. Every time I change the channel and see one of those "Real Housewives" shows being advertised I want to throw the tv out the fucking window. It breaks my head to see people with such wealth and privilege squander it and I'm not afraid to admit that there's a bit of jealousy there. Right or wrong, those are my feelings so I embrace them. As far as how to handle the feelings goes, I don't know if there is a set of right or wrong answers. I take them one step at a time and remember that while I don't have monetary riches I do have other things. I have a good heart, a couple of good friends, a son that loves me like mad and not much else right now. Perhaps on a better day I could have recited a better list, but again this is a byproduct of my life circumstances right now. The things I take comfort in are simple: a good book, a funny movie, hugs from my son, music that is honest and resonates with me, my bed, the sunshine, a walk, etc. It's not for everyone, but this is how I live. Simple. Whatever I do, I try to avoid getting bogged down in those feelings of envy/jealousy. It drains the psyche and perpetuates a cycle of resentment. Even if your list is very short, count your blessings every day. You may not always take comfort in them, but it's never a bad thing to remind yourself that you have special gifts yourself. I'm sure someone somewhere envies what you have as well.
     
  13. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    If I felt anything towards other people, it would be a mixture of pity and disgust.
     
  14. helgaleena

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    Minimag: wow. It sounds like nirvana-- which literally translates as non-moving, or non-attachment, the bliss of numbness. At the same time, you have achieved one set of goals already and can look forward to something new to amuse you.

    Bbucko: Simplicity of life is an ideal I have not yet achieved. I used to be a professional collector with a booth in an antiques mall, but it went out of business and now the things are in stacks, and I am using them as best I can, until I can bear to give them up. I am rich in things.

    BBW36: Yes, as I am so rich, I need to focus on the riches I have. Once I said to myself I would feel rich when I could afford to eat fresh pineapple once a month. Guess what, we do! It's not fair to change it to guavas just because the price of pineapple has dropped...
     
  15. exwhyzee

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    I agree with Bb that you might be suffering from envy...not jealousy. Two thoughts (as a relatively un-envious person):

    1) In some way...I think priorities have some part to play here. If you have your own priorities (whatever they are) how can you be envious if someone else achieves their own priorities. In other words...why be envious that Martha arrived in Buffalo when your were driving to Chicago?

    So...if a neighbor got a new car (as a materialistic example), that's cool for her...but she might also have a new car payment that you would rather save...to go on a cruise or buy furniture. Her priorities are not yours, so her achievements look different. You can wish her the best driving in her new car as you lounge on a beach in St Lucia.

    2) I think talking to other people can also make the grass look less green on the other side of the fence. For example, I have a best friend who is married with three great kids. On the surface I should envy that...but...his wife is overbearing and belittles him on a regular basis...and he has no free time (something that I value). Would I trade his kids for a pseudo-abusive partner and having no down-time? No way. When you talk to folks and get their background story, sometimes what they have (and what you might envy), doesn't look so great.
     
  16. Bbucko

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    I think that's why I posted what I did here, Helga. You needn't take things to the extremity I have (I'm nothing if not an extremist), but I honestly believe that editing down with a goal of simplicity in mind is something of a requirement for our stage of life (and we're peers). Anything else is like tending to a vine that slowly strangles everything in its wake.
     
  17. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    I wouldn't really call it "bliss." It's mostly just extreme boredom. There are very few things in the world that can hold my interest for more than a day or two.
     
  18. luka82

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    Great thread Helg!
    I have been thinking about the same things but in an opposite direction. I was thinking-Why don`t I care...
    I learnt how to enjoy the little things in life and I have some good people around me.
    I guess that`s it.
    Sometimes I do want to feel envy, I believe it could motivate me, if it`s dosed properly, but I just don`t care:(
     
  19. helgaleena

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    But you are so good at being Luka. Nobody else does it so well!
     
  20. luka82

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    That is correct my lovely lady! :smile:
     
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