Jesus had a dynamic double digit dick (aka 10+ inch cock)

Discussion in 'Sex With a Large Penis' started by B_UNKNOWN321, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. B_UNKNOWN321

    B_UNKNOWN321 New Member

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    So what is the shitty criticism about the chocolate sculpture of Jesus with the erection. We all know in our hearts and in our balls that the Bible must have a very sanitized description of Jesus and his life. There is a movement afoot now to masculinize Jesus and I support that 100% and give him back the well used dick and oft emptied balls that his early biographers removed needlessly. Their idea of a perfect male probably led them foolishly to emasculate him and exclude tales of the 1000’s of women that he probably made love to during those sex saturated years of 12 to 30.

    To be so charismatic as Jesus was and had to be, he I firmly believe had to be a super male. I have known in life of only one super male and he comes as close to my ideal of a physical Jesus as any man I have known. He inspired my Christmas Story (under fiction, but probably not fiction totally). This guy like Jesus is supremely masculine, has a Herculean body, captivatingly handsome face, overpowering stature, fervent sexuality with boundless capacity and need to fuck and an absurdly accentuated sexiness that appeals to any woman with a willingness to exceed mere ecstasy in sex and spills over into attracting admiring attention to most men as well. Add to this a near perfect dick of awesome proportions, an insightful sagacity and blend with a heart melting sensitivity and we have the model for Jesus. All we need is to add the sacred link to God and we have Jesus.
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    What the fuck?........
     
  3. Average_joe

    Average_joe Member

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    "...give him back the well used dick and oft emptied balls that his early biographers removed needlessly."


    Now I realized that because his biographers removed it, we wouldn't neccesarily read about it, but where in the biography of Jesus would this kind of information even be appropriate?

    And how do YOU know about it?
     
  4. Skull Mason

    Gold Member

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    I agree he must have been hung.
     
  5. HorrorHotel138

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    nice easter topic
     
  6. Wrat

    Wrat New Member

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    From what I know of carpenters (framing carpenters in particular) they all think they have the world's biggest dick anyway. They tend to behave as though they are God's gift to the world. All you have to do is ask one of them and he will tell you that he is the annointed one. The blessed one. That he is the hardest working, fastest, most proficient and most proficient in all the land. Surely you shall be blessed to lie down in such a fine house that the lord's very own carpenter has made for you.

    You're damn lucky to get one of the poor drunken bastards to work a 40 hour week. Last thing I want to do is encourage the poor sots.
     
  7. punk09

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    Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

    April 4, 2007 | Issue 43•14
    HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.
    [​IMG]The Son of God spends each morning trying to attain perfect abdominal definition.



    "If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life," Christ said. "Right now I'm up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds]."


    "I'm really starting to feel like I'll have the strength and endurance to move every mountain and island from its place," Christ added.


    Since His birthday last Dec. 25, Christ has committed Himself to a demanding daily regimen of exercise and prophecy fulfillment. Each of His workouts, Christ said, starts with an hour of cardio, after which He focuses on two muscle groups, replacing conventional free weights with the Rod of Iron with which He intends to rule all nations.


    On Mondays, Christ works His chest and biceps and completes three sets of 10 transfigurations. On Tuesdays, He switches to triceps and abdominals, and passes as many sets of Last Judgments as He can in a minute. Wednesdays are devoted to the back and legs, and Thursdays and Fridays are for core and flexibility.


    Even Sabbaths are spent doing yoga, swimming, and basic strength-training isometrics such as push-ups, leg lifts, and chin-ups.


    "There can be no day of rest," said Christ, His eyes filled with flaming fire. "Rest is for mortals."


    The determined Savior has also forsworn His favorite high-calorie, high-carb foods such as fatted calf, loaves, and even His own body and blood, instead embracing muscle-building high-protein shakes and electrolyte-replacing sports drinks. And when temptation calls, Christ need only look at two pictures taped to His refrigerator: an icon of Himself prior to starting His regimen and a reproduction of Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" fresco torn from a magazine.
    [​IMG]
    "The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated," Christ said.


    The Lamb of God said He made the decision to get in shape late last year when, after two millennia of relative inactivity, He realized that at His age there was "no way" He could return to Earth, judge the souls of the innocent and wicked alike, and reign over the Kingdom of God for 1,000 years without prior conditioning.


    "The Second Coming isn't just Me sitting on a great white throne and judging away," Christ said. "I also have to make all of the stars fall and shake all the powers in Heaven. That's why I've been working a lot with the medicine ball."
    Christ, however, admitted that centuries of heavenly grace had enabled Him to "really let [Himself] go."


    "I can't lead the armies of Heaven looking like some flabby slob," said Christ, who declined to disclose His "before" weight. "That guy can't be the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The faithful want a Messiah they can truly fear, not someone who's afraid to take off His shirt in public."


    At first, Christ said He thought such a physical transformation
    would "take a miracle." During the first couple weeks of His exercise program, He couldn't work out on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes without gasping for breath and aggravating the old spear-point injury in His side. Now that He can deftly complete 20 ab-bench push-ups on the highest incline and almost as many chin-ups, Christ said, He feels more energetic than He has since His early 30s.


    And not only has frequent exercise made Christ feel more healthy and confident, it's "cleared [His] head, which will really help [Him] deal with the massive amount of smiting and condemning."


    Encouraged by His progress, particularly the increased definition in His pectoral and abdominal muscles, Christ is focusing all of His attention on visualizing the success of His Second Coming.


    "Right now, it's all about Aug. 2," the goal-oriented Savior said. "And no matter how I look, there's no going back on this one like I did seven years ago."
     
  8. Detroittothetop

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    blashphemy..
     
  9. punk09

    Verified Gold Member

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    My Dick

    My dick cost a late night fee
    Your dick got the HIV
    My dick plays on the double feature screen
    Your dick went straight to DVD

    My dick bigger than a bridge
    Your dick look like a little kids
    My dick large like the chargers (the whole team)
    Your shit look like you fourteen

    My dick locked in a cage (right)
    Your dick suffer from stage fright
    My dick so hot its stolen
    Your dick look like Gary Coleman

    My dick pink and big
    Your dick stinks like shit
    My dick got a caesar doo,
    Your dick needs a tweezer dude

    My dick is like supersize
    Your dick look like two fries
    My dick more mass than the Earth
    Your dick half staff (it needs work)

    My dick been there done that
    Your dick sits there with dunce cap
    My dick, V.I.P.
    Your shit needs I.D.

    [Repeat 2x]
    It's time that we let the world know
    Dude, you gotta let your girl go
    D.S. is the best in the business
    P.s. we got dicks like Jesus

    My dick need no introduction
    Your dick don't even function
    My dick served a whole lunch-in
    Your dick, it look like a munchkin

    My dick size of a pumpkin
    Your dick look like Macauley Culkin
    My dick good good lovin'
    Your dick good for nothin'

    My dick bench pressed 350
    Your dick couldn’t shotlift at thrifty
    My dick pretty damn skimpy
    Your dick hungry as a hippy

    My dick don't fit down the chimney
    Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
    My dick is like an M16
    Your dick, broken vending machine

    My dick parts the seas
    Your dick farts and quiefs
    My dick rumble in the jungle
    Your dick got touched by your uncle

    My dick goes to yoga
    Your dick fruit roll up
    My dick grade a beef
    Your dick made a geek

    My dick sick and dangerous
    Your dick quick and painless
    My dick 'nuff said.
    Your dick loves sweat

    [Repeat 2x]
    It's time that we let the world know
    Dude, you gotta let your girl go
    D.S. is the best in the business
    P.s. we got dicks like Jesus
     
  10. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Let's crucify this thread.
     
  11. punk09

    Verified Gold Member

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    It has risen.
     
  12. Valkyriessong

    Valkyriessong New Member

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    LMAO at Punk09's Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming :18:
     
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