Morning noon or night, no matter if you're watching a sporting event, the nightly news or Captain Bellybuster's Saturday morning cartoon extravaganza, you've seen this guy, variously described as a body fitness expert or a dork's head photoshopped on to a nerd's torso. The latter is uncharitable I realize, but Basedow's uncharismatic omnipresence positively invite disasterous reviews. For one thing, there is the question about whether or not a physique like his should even be offered up as a premier example of ultimate man. The poor dude has evidently been pumping iron for years and still looks like a scrawny geek with six-pack abs topped with hair that makes bad toupee wearers look natural by comparison. Not good when you are attmpting to make staright men envious, gay men pop woodies, and women swoon. Recently, I Googled up a magazine interview with this self-described Long Island guru and to my surprise it listed him as 6' 3" and 195lbs. Hmm. Those statistics seemed a bit inflated, so I called a buddy of mine who was trained in remote sensing in his days in the Air Force. The same skills that attempted in vain to find weapons of mass destruction would be brought to bear here to solve the mystery of Basedow's dimensions. Right off the bat Eric pointed out that in most of his commercials, John is carefully photographed with a sanitized background void of objects that can be used as base references for size. Instead, Basedow is shown at a three quarter angle (lest he disappear entirely) to optimize his torso with fire and flames on a screen to the rear. I thought all was lost until Eric found a website filled with Basedow posing at the beach, with little old ladies, with identical gym equipment that we use. Eureka! First off, it was obvious that John Basedow should never have agreed to be juxstaposed with the little old ladies that all looked like power forwards in the NBA alongside him. When Eric saw Basedow with the free weights he swung into action, remote sensing equations and calculations flying fast and furious. His conclusion: John Basedow is approximately 5' 6." But a more startling finding was yet to come. "Hey," Eric shouted, "this guy hasen't got any balls or dick!" It was true. John Basedow, shown in tight nut-hugging biking shorts had a remarkable lack of any sort of bulge or package. Posing at an unknown beach as self-elected Mr. Universe, Basedow's painted on swim trunks once again divulged nary a sign of the male gender. "Think they were airbrushed out," Eric offered? Possiblely, but then why wouldn't they go all the way and put some real muscles on to the soda straw arms? So questions still remain. Has John Basedow a penis?