Jokes about sex,circumcision...etc.etc.

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by hifzija, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. hifzija

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    Please,pay attention
    This are only jokes,and nothing than jokes.
    We have no intention to offend anyone.
    And If you do not have a sense of humor, Please,leave this thread or do not read.
    ----------------------------------------------

    *
    Who says that Muslim do not like alcohol (wine)?
    I saw that they like very much grapevine,because people "pruning" them and of course it`s a "Green".

    *
    Why are Jewish circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20 percent off!

    *
    Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a Get*?
    A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck
    (Get* = Divorce)

    *
    Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
    - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
    As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
    - Gorgonzola!
    - Wait, it is not on yet.
     
  2. hifzija

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    Fancy Flower Bouquet…. $40
    Fine Dining Restaurant…. $135
    Hotel Room for you and your sexy date for the night and (ahem)…. $200
    The look on your face when you find out her dick is bigger than yours…… Priceless
    For everything else…. there’s MasterCard


    *
    Does Europeans have a "fourth of July"?
    Yes, also have a first and second.
     
  3. maxcok

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    Don't quit your day job.
     
  4. hifzija

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    A Soldier was deployed to Bosnia as a part of SFOR forces. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with couple guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. and of course, she wanted pictures of herself back.

    So the Soldier did what any squared-away Soldier would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women and girls he could find, also he took some pictures from local population. He then mailed about 55 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

    "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.".

    (It was not joke,it was True,but now 12 years later,we can take it as a Joke.)
     
  5. hifzija

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    *
    Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees "Bush".


    *
    From the affair with Monica & Bill Clinton,I've learned something important.
    Nobody will suck my dick without having to swallowing the proofs.


    *
    Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
    A: "Foreplay".


    *

    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]“I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.”[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]“I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.”[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in Brent Cross and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: "Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.[/FONT]
    • [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
      [/FONT]
     
  6. hifzija

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    -Which is the safest way to travel by the plain.
    -When you enter the plane, say loud "Sallam Alajkum" or "Merhaba".
    If anybody answer to you,just leave that plane.

    (written with great respect for Muslims and Islam)

    *
    In 1995, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After one year and $1.000.000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $2,000.000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
    Bosnian, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 hours and a cost of around $5, for one big beer and one sandwich they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
     
  7. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Hate to break it to you there, pal, but this was actually a subplot on M*A*S*H* a long time ago.
     
  8. fire77

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    I second that.
     
  9. hifzija

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    Thanx for that information,I really dont remember all MASH episodes.This was experience of my Buddy in SFOR,which I also attended.I know that now are much jokes like this about Irak,Lybia,Afgahnistan,but this was happend to my friend in Bosnia. (I really need to watch again all MASH-s).
     
  10. hifzija

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    Old,but always like new...
    **
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth. He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth. Its length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."[/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Abe says, "OK."[/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The next morning Smith is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange cloth. Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000[/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Smith starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"[/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5% discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Israel after my circumcision."[/FONT]

    *
    They've got a new birth-control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
     
  11. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    Maybe he doesn't have one and is looking for one here.

    Dig it- make a third.
     
  12. pierceplace

    pierceplace New Member

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    jokes about sex??? or racist jokes?
     
  13. hifzija

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    Jokes about sex...etc.etc.

    (If some jokes touches you,I`m sorry.Please look at attention in first post.)
     
  14. hifzija

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    *
    -Howe to solve the problem of world hunger?
    -Sell ​​the Vatican.

    with respect for believers
     
  15. mmjr

    mmjr Member

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    What do red-necks call a red-neck with tabacco juice flowing out of both sides of his mouth??


    Level headed
     
  16. hifzija

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    *
    Smile.
    It is just the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    *
    How to define “making love”?
    This is what a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    *
    What is woman.
    Woman is thing which hold you,when you have a sex.
     
    #16 hifzija, Apr 19, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  17. willow78

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    Q: Why do circumcised journalists get the stories first?
    A: Because they always have a tip off!

    *groan!*

    :tongue:
     
  18. hifzija

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    It was not a joke,but combination like this one some people takes as a joke.
    (black parody,with full respect for all soldier...including me)

    Hey, Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list,
    And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist.
    And the eagle will fly and it's gonna be hell,
    When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell.
    And it'll feel like the whole wide world is raining down on you.
    Ah, brought to you, courtesy of the red, white and blue.

    Come on mothers throughout the land
    pack your boys off to Viet Nam
    come on fathers don't hesitate
    send your sons off before it's too late
    and you can be the first ones on your block
    to have your boy come home in a box.
     
  19. hifzija

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    *
    -Who is the only Serb who can be repaired.
    -YUGO
    (thoughts on the car)

    *
    -Which is the result if somebody kill 10 Serbs and 10 Croats.
    -20 : 0 for Bosnian

    *
    -Why Serbs are best swimmers.
    -Because nato destroyed all the bridges in Serbia.

    *
    Letter from young Bosnian to Santa Claus.
    -Dear Santa Claus.
    In last couple years you took my favorite singers Michael Jackson.
    My favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my most beautiful actress Farrah Fawcett.
    Please do not forget to take my dearest President Milorad Dodik.
    Thank You.......Sincerely yours Mirza.

    (written with great respect for All Ex-Yougoslav people)
     
    #19 hifzija, Apr 19, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  20. hifzija

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    *
    Signs on T-shirts in Balcan.

    -FBI Female Body Inspector
    -If you are not a Sunni,you are a Shit
    -Don`t panic,I`m a Muslim

    *
    One Oldie but Goldie

    Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N.
    worldwide. The only question asked was,
    "Would you please give your most honest opinion
    about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of
    the world?"

    The survey was a HUGE failure.

    In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
    In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
    In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
    In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
    In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
    In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
    And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant
     
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