Jokes from a magazine...whick 1's ur favorite?

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Rommette, Jun 16, 2008.

  1. Rommette

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,101
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    310
    Gender:
    Female
    Verified:
    Photo
    Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
    After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
    "Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
    "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
    "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
    "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
    "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."



    A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
    A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
    "Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
    "No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
    "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
    "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
    The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

    The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
    "Thirty-five," she replies.
    "And he still believes in genies?"



    A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
    "Ten pounds," he replies.
    "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.
    About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
    The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
    That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."
    "We’ll send someone over."
    The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
    That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"
    "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."
    The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"
    About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
     
  2. Rommette

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,101
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    310
    Gender:
    Female
    Verified:
    Photo
    A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

    He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”



    A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”

    Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

    His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?”




    It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

    “Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

    When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”



    A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, “Hey man, I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”

    The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
    The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, “I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”
    The bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!”
     
  3. Rommette

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,101
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    310
    Gender:
    Female
    Verified:
    Photo
    A woman visits her accountant to file her taxes. He asks her, “What’s your occupation?”

    The woman says, “I’m a hooker.”

    The accountant balks and says, “Oh, that’s too crass. Let’s try to rephrase it.”

    “How about ‘prostitute’” the woman suggests.

    “That’s still too crude,” he says.

    They both think for a minute, then the woman blurts out, “Let’s say I’m a chicken farmer.”

    “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” the accountant asks incredulously.

    The woman answers, “I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

    The old sailor asks, “How am I doing?”
    The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
    “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
    She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”



    A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”

    The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”
    “Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.
    The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”
    He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
    “What?” she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her his last twenty dollars, and they did their thing.

    After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”




    Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?”
    The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the stomach yet!”
     
Draft saved Draft deleted