January 2010, I was 18 and met a guy. He was cute, kind, and I fell immediately. I'd never told anyone about my sexuality nor my depression I was also struggling with. Over the next three months, we grew incredibly close, came out to each other, and talked every minute of every day. At the end of March, he came over, and I got my first kiss. Kissing escalated and we ended up in bed. He kept thrusting himself against me, but I couldn't tell what I was feeling, so I reached down and tried touching him through his jeans. What I found was massive. Measured at 8x6.5, he had a dick so big that he couldn't fit his hand around it. I could hardly fit my mouth around it. It made me incredibly jealous, as I've always wished i were thick and not so long. His looks massive while mine looks small. We stopped before going any further, but we made these a weekly thing. Now, I'm not that bad off myself, at 8.75x4.75. But his was just massive. As time went on, we grew even closer, but always avoided doing the actual deed. My struggles emotionally began to consume me, and by August they had consumed my entire life. I treated him terribly but he stayed by my side, until one day in late august, he ended things. I lost it, and woke up and got myself to a doctor. He kept by my side as a friend, but would never let me back in any closer. In December, he said he was meeting a boy in a week that his friend was introducing him to. I'd told him throughout the months how much I cared about him and how hard I was working to get better. He didn't seem to ever want to get back together. I was worried, and still being incredibly depressed told him that emotionally, I would not be able to cope with him seeing someone, and would have to walk away. It sounds selfish, but when you're fighting for your life against your emotions, it's all you can do. I'd told him this multiple times, and a week later, he ended up telling me they were dating and already calling each other "boyfriends." I lost it and cut off contact. He got upset and kept fighting for me thinking he could have both the friend he claimed he loved so much and this boy he knew for a week. I'd warned him, but he risked me anyways. It made me feel horrible inside. I know I couldn't control his life, but he really seemed to care about me and I thought he'd stay by my side to the end. As time went on, we stayed in contact, arguing nonstop but still talking because it hurt to let each other go. So, I ended up telling him I was done. It didn't last. Time went on, and we both stayed in contact. Throughout this time, he told me he loved me but only as a friend. He said we loved each other in completely different ways. As the arguing continued, I got fed up and asked once more for a chance to prove to him I was healthy. At this point, I had been on medication and healthy for two months. He said no. He cut off contact saying we needed a break and that I needed to get over him. A week later, I went up to him and nicely asked if we could at least be civil in public so we wouldn't cause a divide between our friends. He yelled at me and said some terribly cruel things and called me obsessed. The next night, I went to dinner with friends. He showed up and sat by a friend of ours. To my surprise, he was trying to talk to me civilly. I ignored him all night just as he had done to me. He ended up texting me after dinner saying he was trying to be nice and didn't understand. I sent him an email the next day telling him I was done. He risked my friendship when I was sick and unable to cope for a boy he knew a week, and he cut off contact and yelled at me. I explained everything. I even commented on how his dick was so thick that it had caused my jaw to come out of place, and I hadn't told him. A week later, I found out I made him cry. He never cries, but this did. He's a rock. Three weeks later or so, he broke up with his boyfriend because it wasn't working out and he wanted to fix things with me. We talked through the whole break up. He legitimately wanted to fix things and was willing to work. So his relationship ended, and we started. Throughout this entire time, id been talking to a mutual friend of ours about our problems. My friend had never been my ex's biggest fan but liked him none the less. He helped me a lot. Well, over this summer, I have been working on things with my ex. We discussed dating although he says he still feels nothing for me, but then suddenly switched and said he was considering it. The problem is, he was there during my depression. He was my hero and because of that, I have a bond with him that he doesn't feel with me. I love him, and i know it. It hurts so incredibly to think of hik with someone else. He said nonstop he only wanted me as a friend and i told him i couldnt do it if he were seeing other guys because my feelings are so strong. I told him if he wanted to date, thats find, but i would be stepping back because it hurt. Well, two weeks ago I told him some secrets because I thought he was close to saying we should start things back up. He then tells me in return that over the entire summer he had lies to me and had been seeing our mutual friend. I was heartbroken. Not that he was with another guy, but because he lied. Both of them. My closest confidant and the guy I love. We talked and he said it had ended and that he was really thinking he may have feelings for me and that he may want to try dating. He then switched saying he only wanted me as a friend. Well, a week ago he told me, no I don't want to date. I said okay, and said I was sorry but I would be going. It sounds awful, but it hurts too much. He then stopped me and said he's thinking about it again. I don't know what to do because I don't want him pressured into dating me, but I don't want to lose him. I'm afraid of what will happen. I love him, and I don't think he has a clue what he feels. He knows i only want him to be happy and that if it means being with someone else, im okay with that. However, i wont be around. I was talking to him today and said we should just spend a night togetheg talking and catching up. He asked if i meant i wanted anything sexually and i said no. I said even if it did, whats the worst that could happen, a blowjob? As we'be never gone farther. He replied saying he was incredibly self-conscious about that now because id hurt my jaw giving him one. This boy with a perfect penis was self-conscious about his oenis being TOO BIG. It broke my heart that I hurt him that way. Anyways, he's hurt me in so many ways, and I can leave. But if I do, I will divide our friends and ruin both of our lives. I feel so guilty and dumb. I can't get over him though. What do I do? Do I keep pushing to date in hopes that he'll give it a shot? Do I leave? Do I grin and bare it and be his friend? I hate this. I hate this.