Just another relationship discussion thing...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rawrg, Dec 24, 2009.

  1. rawrg

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    So I've been in the same relationship now for 3 years, and I just got engaged recently. I love my fiance very much, she's my best friend and I really do want to marry her some day. The problem is that our sex life seems a little rocky at the moment.

    In my other relationships, a two year and a one year relationship, I was used to having sex a minimum of two times a week. With my fiance, we fool around more than we have sex, and we only get around to having full on sex about 1-2 times a month. It's really not that huge of a deal to me, but I do feel guilty that I masturbate to porn 5 times a week and maybe fool around once that week.

    There are a few contributing factors:

    1. I'm 7.5x5.5, not huge, but the biggest guy she's had by quite a bit in both length and girth. She has a smaller vagina, so early on I had to watch the cervix , but even now when we have sex, I end up rubbing her entrance raw despite going down on her for 20 minutes before hand and even using additional lube. This limits direct sex.

    2. She's wants to have sex at night when I'm tired. I get home from work worn out, and sex is the last thing on my mind.

    3. I want to have sex in the morning when I'm pre-hard and have lots of energy. Unfortunately she hates the mornings and if she wakes up enough to even become interested, she is too preoccupied with what she has to do that day in her head to concentrate.

    4. She's aggressive and I liked it at first, but when me being aggressive wasn't reciprocated later in the relationship, I almost feel standoffish and want to turn her down. I mean, I LOVE it when a girl just reaches down my pants and starts kissing me, but when I can't do the same sometimes, it bothers me.

    5. I'm addicted to porn, and I sabotage my day by masturbating earlier in the day. I can hear my subconscious saying, "Do this and you won't want to have sex.", but it also says, "You might not have sex anyways."

    I'm not really trying to complain or look for answers, but I was just venting a bit and seeing how many other people had these similar hurdles to overcome in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, we're not some prude waspy couple. She actually has discussed bringing another girl in the bedroom, saying that I could fuck her from behind while she kissed her, and I said I'd be fine with that as well. Sex is pretty far down the list when I'm looking for a companion, and the fact that she's always supportive, loving and pushing me to do the right thing is what keeps me with her. I just think that the sex life is something we both need to work at and I just have to stop avoiding it.

    Discuss :smile:
     
  2. sexplease

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    I could give you 5 reasons why you want out of this relationship, but you've already supplied them.

    Merry Christmas
     
  3. finsuptx

    finsuptx New Member

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    It seems to me that you've answered all your questions, particularly the last sentence. Great vent! Best of luck to ya man, its never easy being in love and sexually frustrated at the same time.
     
  4. dolfette

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    you're just not that well suited.
    nobody's fault.
    and you have to wank! for your mental state and to prevent prostate cancer...especially if you're not shagging very often.
     
  5. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    Well, i can tell you that sex is a fickle thing.

    Obvously love is not a prerequisite for sex, but when you have it, it's a completly different experience. I dont know what the emotional situation is between the two of you but if things are truly out of alignment than it can certianly wreak havoc on a long term relationship.

    First i would take a long hard look at wheather or not you truly love this woman and if she loves you back. Usually that's not to difficult if you're absolutly honest with yourselves.

    If you're not in love, than it's not meant to be and you should get out of the relationship.

    If you are truly in love with this woman, than there is no limit to the ammout of effort you should be willing to put into solving this problem. Furthermore, if you are both truly in love, you both should be equally understanding and willing to be patient and make changes for the other.

    As far as practical advice on your spesific problems ...

    The first and most signifigant issue i see is the addiction to porn. Masturbation is perfectly fine, but to be constantly turning to porn for your sexual release after 3 years in a relationship shows a psychological problem.

    Though it sounds like faminist redoric, porn does not depict the natural female form. THe ammount of work that goes into making thoes women look sexy is astounding ... the natural female form is much less glamorous ... but much more sensual. Porn is stale and fleeting while rality saturates your your seses and overwelms your emotions. To compare porn to a real woman standing infront of you is like eating a photograph of a cheeseburger vs. actually eating a cheeseburger!

    But i digress ... the porn is a problem in your situation, go see a psychologist and see if they can help you resolve that issue. I assure you it can be overcome, i had to do it myself before i could orgasm while having sex.

    The other 4 issues you bring up are all practical problems when having sex. I've encountered them before, you just work it out. If you truly love each other and you can get over your porn problem, these issues should naturally work themselves out.

    Finally, don't think that just because you have one legitimate problem here, that there isn't any problem from your fiance's side ... as they say, it takes two to tango! So have her take her own honest introspective look.

    Love and relationships are not easy, they have challenges like anything else and like anything else, they can be solved.

    Just make sure the love is there, everything else can be worked out.
     
  6. cbrmale

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    I think you've answered your question with five points, and that is you're not sexually compatible. As someone who is has a wife who is very sexually compatible, I think this is an essential ingredient of any relationship.

    From my experience, I'm just a shade shorter but quite a bit thicker than you, you shouldn't be hitting her cervix. As she gets aroused, her vagina will balloon and her cervix will tilt out of the way. With my wife this takes about five minutes or so, and the same with most of the 100 or more women I've had sex with, including prostitutes who I have paid money to have sex with! I think, maybe, that's a clue that she's not sexually into you.

    Men are horniest in the morning when our testosterone is highest and women have their testosterone peak in the evening. That still doesn't rule out compromise, especially on weekends. Why not have morning, middday or early afternoon sex when you've got the time? That's the plan for my wife and I this afternoon.

    I feel that once you have a good and satisfying sexual relationship with someone special, your need to masturbate to porn to relieve your sexual tension will disappear. The better 'real' sex gets, the more unsatisfying your hand becomes. A good, sexy woman is the cure for this one, trust me on this.
     
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