Just deleted my account in gay dating website

lopo2000

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So, I went to meet this guy and he was wonderful and all. He would make a good boyfriend, and we would have a fulfilling relationship, except that he wants something which I'm not sure if I want the same too.

He asked me if I'd like to have anal sex, I said I wasn't ready for it. He asked me if I would like to go to one of those gay clubs or sauna, I said I wasn't into it. And a couple other things where we differed. To be honest, I am not into those kinds of places, which I'm not sure why. He was really fed up, and he told me, "******, you really don't know what you want... Please figure it out..."

So, I agree with him, because it has been the most frequent complaint I received when I meet a guy. Either I am not sure what I want, or too scared to do/have something, etc. So, I decided to close all my profiles in 3 dating websites, because it would be unfair for those who are interested in me but I might not be able to provide what they want me to.

I realize that if I'm ready to be in a relationship, I'd meet him in real life. I don't need a profile in a website because I thought it creates a sense of grandness more than I really am. It's like advertisement, the products always sound better than they actually are, and I think dating websites are like that. So, I think it's better to be myself and see if anyone would be interested in me genuinely.

I don't use LPSG to meet men, so I don't delete this.
 

lopo2000

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You see, you are complaining the same thing. I don't know Sinclair, it's just, I'm afraid that if I get too comfortable with being gay, then I would no longer care what others think and I'd just do whatever the fuck I want like slutting around in public or going to the club so frequently that people start noticing and all and my family and the village folks would find out that I'm gay and stuffs...

I thought you guys might just give your thoughts, but since there needs to be a question, then, I ask you, what do you think?
 

jonsing45

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You see, you are complaining the same thing. I don't know Sinclair, it's just, I'm afraid that if I get too comfortable with being gay, then I would no longer care what others think and I'd just do whatever the fuck I want like slutting around in public or going to the club so frequently that people start noticing and all and my family and the village folks would find out that I'm gay and stuffs...

I thought you guys might just give your thoughts, but since there needs to be a question, then, I ask you, what do you think?

How old are you?
 

Catharsis

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I don't see any issue with not wanting anal sex, honestly. But if you don't want that and he does and wouldn't enjoy sex without it, then there would be sexual incompatibility (among other things). You guys also have different sexual tastes. But that just means that you and he might not be meant for each other, if either of you feels that the different interests are deal breakers or red flags.

I probably wouldn't have deleted everything based off of one bad experience, though. Although, to be honest, I've given up on using all of those apps and profiles a while ago. They were a waste of space for me and I've gotten nothing from it. Some people have and they still do, but it's not for me. If you find that those profiles aren't for you, either, then of course you can leave them deleted. But you should do what you think is best for yourself.
 

rbkwp

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So, I think it's better to be myself and see if anyone would be interested in me genuinely.





Overall i tend to agree with you.
Present yourself as a real time person, as much as possible me thinks
Profiles on any site can lead to misinterpretations of the self, by a prospective, or even yourself possibly trapped in desiring to embellish it when you feel the need to
Yeah get back to the ole style, get out there and be you i think.
 

lopo2000

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How old are you?

I'm 27 this year...

I don't see any issue with not wanting anal sex, honestly. But if you don't want that and he does and wouldn't enjoy sex without it, then there would be sexual incompatibility (among other things). You guys also have different sexual tastes. But that just means that you and he might not be meant for each other, if either of you feels that the different interests are deal breakers or red flags.

I probably wouldn't have deleted everything based off of one bad experience, though. Although, to be honest, I've given up on using all of those apps and profiles a while ago. They were a waste of space for me and I've gotten nothing from it. Some people have and they still do, but it's not for me. If you find that those profiles aren't for you, either, then of course you can leave them deleted. But you should do what you think is best for yourself.

It's not one bad experience though... So far, I've being rejected multiple times for being anally virgin... And the guys I did meet obviously looked and sounded disappointed when I insisted that I was not ready for anal sex.
 

IntentsOfCare

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Lopo, I think you are honestly afraid of things that you don't need to be afraid of. I know plenty of gay guys that don't like the club nor do they slut around. I think what you need to do is just be up front in your profiles.
"I don't go to gay clubs because they are not my scene. I don't enjoy casual sex or hook ups. I'm only here for friendship, dating and possibly a relationship depending. As of late I'm not completely comfortable with the idea of anal sex" or you can just flat out say no anal or something like that. Slutting around is in a personals personality, you don't do it the second you become comfortable with being who you are unless you are a slut. Also there is nothing wrong with a healthy sexual appitite either. You can have your cake and eat it too but you better just be seletive about your cake options because some of that calories are bad -_-... and permanent. You can't live your entire life uncertain of these variables because it'll drive you batshits.

What you need to ask yourself is:
Am I slut?
Am I ready to date?
What type of men am I into?
What are my goals in life?
Who do I want to share those goals with?

The question about what type of men are you into is important because a lot of people try to just grasp at anything because they feel that's all they can get to. DON'T! It's okay to have standards and preferences but don't them rule your life completely. Let them be a guiding light of sorts.
 

D_Woody_Bush

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Just because you're gay does NOT mean that you have to like anal sex/saunas/clubs/Madonna/etc etc etc.

First and foremost you're a person and there is no need to conform to anyone's stereotype. Yes, you will need to figure out what it is you want (for yourself, from life, from another person) and you may want or need to try different things in the process; only then will you know whether any of those dating sites are helpful for you.

Good luck.
 

IntentsOfCare

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I realize that if I'm ready to be in a relationship, I'd meet him in real life.

Not always the case either. Because of the advances in technology it's not the way it used to be back in yesteryears. It's especially harders for gay guys to just meet depending on the area. The websites have pretty much become the standards which is sucking up all of the gays into the cattle branded black holse (lol I said hole). Everyone is registered, catalogued and classified. "Top, bottom, vers, oral-top, oral-bottom, oral-vers, active, passive, masc, fem, athletic, bear, musc, daddy, chub, cub, chaser, windex etc". I don't even think people realize that they're tantamount to products that can be ordered online. A lot of these online places just sucks people in and now everyone just about assumes that that is the only way to meet someone so they all swarm to these sights and won't put forth the effort offline.
Also, it's not as bad as it used to be (well I have no idea what it's like where you are) but it's hard to gay still. There are still dangers associated with comming out etc. It's also imprtant not to look down on people because they fit a stereotype because they are people too and they all have their own stories and we can never know what they went through in their lives that just made them not give a shit. I have a friend who has been the stereotyple since he was in highschool. That boy is gay to the max, clubs, slept around (got his act together on that one thankfully), drugs (mayb still, hides it well if he still does), drinking, pop music, the whole nine yards. He had very abusive family life as a child and was beaten, burned and some more. There is some other things that I'm not going into but it was pretty horrible. Some people just live the life that they can and have fun with. What people may enjoy its not for us to look down on. I my self don't like reality T.V. like Jersey Shore lol I think it's trash but MOST of my country just can't get enough of it. I'm kind of out numbered on that one. But for whatever reason so many people finds that hallow garbage amusing. Either they wish that they could live that life or they someone live that kind of life and can empathize with the Situation.
 

rbkwp

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Everyone is registered, catalogued and classified. "Top, bottom, vers, oral-top, oral-bottom, oral-vers, active, passive, masc, fem, athletic, bear, musc, daddy, chub, cub, chaser, windex etc". I don't even think people realize that they're tantamount to products that can be ordered online. A lot of these online places just sucks people in and now everyone just about assumes that that is the only way to meet someone so they all swarm to these sights and won't put forth the effort offline.






Tend to agree there then Intent
and
HE was correct, we are a resource!
These days, at least ..
 

lopo2000

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Intents, as always, your thoughts and inputs are always so wise. You're right, I do need to figure things out and ask myself those questions, which might take some time, which might be unfair for those who are interested in me. Although I do know that I'm not a slut, lol. It's just, when you become too comfortable, you don't mind getting off in public.

These are some things for me to answer:

1) Should I scrap off my principle that the one who could top me should be my boyfriend?
2) Should I want/expect sex in the first meeting?
3) Should I also consider "being friends" if the first date doesn't work out?
4) Should I even consider searching for pure friends in those websites?
5) Should I strictly adhere to my preference?
6) Should I be more open towards new experiences like going to clubs/sauna or even going to dates with a man who does not conform your preference?


These are just some of the things I need to figure out because clearly these are important in the gay world nowadays as I am often asked about them whenever I'm chatting with someone in there. But in the meantime, I just hope that life is kind enough to make my paths cross over with the paths of a caring, decent-looking, considerate man so perhaps I could be well lucky enough to meet him in real life.
 

D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele

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so being gay and doing gay stuff means your whoring around town?

Before you even think about dating, find out what your really want. be happy with yourself first. It's one thing to not want people to know your business and its another to be ashamed.
if you don't do that, then you're not ready to date at all. no matter how old you say you are.
 

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like slutting around in public or going to the club so frequently that people start noticing and all and my family and the village folks would find out that I'm gay and stuffs...

Well, if you are not out to your family and don't want them to find out, then you are in a bit of a tough spot indeed. I notice that you are in Malaysia; please note that most responders to your question - myself included - are not familiar with details of societal and cultural norms in that part of the world.

That said - if you want to have a meaningful long term relationship with a man, I think you will likely need to come out to your family. Otherwise you will have to pretend to them that the boyfriend doesn't exist? For years, potentially? Even when you are living together? That doesn't seem healthy.

There's no reason to feel weird about not wanting anal sex, or not wanting to go clubbing, or not wanting to go to a bath house. But in my opinion, if you are living in constant fear of being found out as gay, then you are not really free to be yourself and you will not ever find what you want even if you figure out what that is.

I don't know your family situation, living situation, etc. but I can tell you, I came out at 27 to my parents and it was really scary and hard but, we got past it and now things are fine, and it freed me up to be myself and tell them about the man I eventually had in my life.

And if guys reject you for never having had anal sex and not wanting to, they are shallow ignorant losers who you don't want to spend time with anyway. In my opinion :)
 

lopo2000

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so being gay and doing gay stuff means your whoring around town?

Before you even think about dating, find out what your really want. be happy with yourself first. It's one thing to not want people to know your business and its another to be ashamed.
if you don't do that, then you're not ready to date at all. no matter how old you say you are.

Sinclair, respectfully, I don't think you totally understand what I'm talking about. But it's fine, as BidD_2 said, you might not be familiar with my situation, so...

Not sure why you dumped your singles ad? Were you not specfic enough about the type of person you are and what you're into.

Actually I was specific, but it goes like this:

1) Either they reject me upfront, or
2) they agree to meet, hoping that upon meeting, I might change my mind about the things I'm not into.

Well, if you are not out to your family and don't want them to find out, then you are in a bit of a tough spot indeed. I notice that you are in Malaysia; please note that most responders to your question - myself included - are not familiar with details of societal and cultural norms in that part of the world.

That said - if you want to have a meaningful long term relationship with a man, I think you will likely need to come out to your family. Otherwise you will have to pretend to them that the boyfriend doesn't exist? For years, potentially? Even when you are living together? That doesn't seem healthy.

There's no reason to feel weird about not wanting anal sex, or not wanting to go clubbing, or not wanting to go to a bath house. But in my opinion, if you are living in constant fear of being found out as gay, then you are not really free to be yourself and you will not ever find what you want even if you figure out what that is.

I don't know your family situation, living situation, etc. but I can tell you, I came out at 27 to my parents and it was really scary and hard but, we got past it and now things are fine, and it freed me up to be myself and tell them about the man I eventually had in my life.

And if guys reject you for never having had anal sex and not wanting to, they are shallow ignorant losers who you don't want to spend time with anyway. In my opinion :)

You got a point, but coming out to my family is definitely not an option. My family is a conservative, really really conservative bunch. Being very religious, my sister used to approach an unmarried couple who sat alone in the dark (mostly because in my culture and religion, doing that is not really good). My father will get angry if I wear short pants in public. So, just imagine if I told them I'm gay. They wouldn't cause any harms because we're family and I know they love me, but perhaps they'd go as far as disowning me.

How I know that they'd disown me? I used to try to give a hint to my mother about me liking guys and not girls. I told her that there was this guy in uni whose "friendship" I really cared about. Noticing that I might talk about my sexuality, she responded quite aggressively, "Son, you are not telling me that you "like" him right? Because you'll go to hell for that!" So, I told her, no, I'm straight, he's straight, but we were just best friends bla bla...
 

Smaccoms

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So, I went to meet this guy and he was wonderful and all. He would make a good boyfriend, and we would have a fulfilling relationship, except that he wants something which I'm not sure if I want the same too.

He asked me if I'd like to have anal sex, I said I wasn't ready for it. He asked me if I would like to go to one of those gay clubs or sauna, I said I wasn't into it. And a couple other things where we differed. To be honest, I am not into those kinds of places, which I'm not sure why. He was really fed up, and he told me, "******, you really don't know what you want... Please figure it out..."

So, I agree with him, because it has been the most frequent complaint I received when I meet a guy. Either I am not sure what I want, or too scared to do/have something, etc. So, I decided to close all my profiles in 3 dating websites, because it would be unfair for those who are interested in me but I might not be able to provide what they want me to.

I realize that if I'm ready to be in a relationship, I'd meet him in real life. I don't need a profile in a website because I thought it creates a sense of grandness more than I really am. It's like advertisement, the products always sound better than they actually are, and I think dating websites are like that. So, I think it's better to be myself and see if anyone would be interested in me genuinely.

I don't use LPSG to meet men, so I don't delete this.

You are quite right in assuming that you don't know what you want. The part I put in bold would have been the PERFECT spot in this rant to say what you do or do not want. Instead you reference what everyone you meet wants.

If people want sex, that's their business. You'll have to learn to accept that (Sex is a biological & social function; wanting it is a typical part of being human; this means it will always be there whatever your personal stance).

I say a relationship is where two people have a mutual attraction. They both come from different perspectives; this means each person has different wants or needs than the other. In a relationship that works well, they both find common ground they meet some or all of both their wants or needs and move forward from there.

The problem with this is if yoiu have no idea what you want/need form people or why, you cannot enter into a relationship with them. Living life is a very lonely prospect my friend. It's time to learn how to move forward.

That's my advice anyways, I hope it helps.

Aaron
 

lopo2000

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Thank you Smaccoms for your inputs. I am OK with sex, it's just having anal sex seems to be a pretty big deal for me, and I don't know what I need to make myself open to the idea. Perhaps it's my own personal principles, or my religion, or my culture, I'm not sure, but what I'm sure is and I know that it sounds stupid, having anal sex makes it seem like my sexuality is pretty much confirmed.

BTW, yes, we can watch YT videos in Malaysia. I will watch it later. Thank you for the link.
 

Smaccoms

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Thank you Smaccoms for your inputs. I am OK with sex, it's just having anal sex seems to be a pretty big deal for me, and I don't know what I need to make myself open to the idea. Perhaps it's my own personal principles, or my religion, or my culture, I'm not sure, but what I'm sure is and I know that it sounds stupid, having anal sex makes it seem like my sexuality is pretty much confirmed.

BTW, yes, we can watch YT videos in Malaysia. I will watch it later. Thank you for the link.


You're still delaying in this post. I hop you don't take this as me trying to insult you, because that is not my goal.

You replaced referencing what other people want with what your culture or religion wants. Even when you talk about what you want, you use the most vague of terms. It "seems to be a pretty big deal"? You use concepts that are not only vague, but also relative. Personally, it's a pretty big deal when I go to the grocery store; that's completely normal for most people.

Why don't you make a list of things that are most important to you. For each thing on the list, ask yourself why is it so important to you. Once you've done that, ask yourself if those reasons are valid or not. Try to pinpoint your priorities through this process, and whether or not you want those things to be your priorities.

You could also decide I'm full of shit and do none of what I'm saying, that's also valid. I'm just some random guy after all.

Let me see if I can give you an example.

Important things to Smaccoms;

1. Singing
2. Poetry
3. Marxism

1. My mom taught me how to sing, and she died of colon cancer 5 years ago (when I was 18). Singing is part of how I remember her. It also represents a healthy form of stress management for me as well a creative outlet.

2. I have been writing poetry for years. I have found I love to share with others and learning how to advance my skill as a writer. It is part of how I work through conflicted feelings I may be having about people, places, or things (i.e. nouns). I also want to see if I could turn my poetry into song lyrics because I love to sing so much.

3. I grew up with 3 siblings (I'm the middle child, the other one being the only girl). That means I didn't have a strong sense of identity as a kid, and I continue to struggle with who I am and what I believe in. Marxism offers an area where I can question things and think through the answers so I can come to answers I like. It has allowed me to build a stronger sense of identity at my own pace. It is something that is new and unique for someone like me.

Taking all of this into account, I would say my priorities are to be the best balanced person I can be. I take into account where I'm coming from (death of my mother and other stress factors) through the healthiest forms of stress management I can muster while also pushing forward by learning how I can become a stronger me.

This isn't my entire life currently (that would be a much longer list), but it does give you some sense who I am as a person. Perhaps it could help to move YOU forward as a person as well?