"Just Friends"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Daydream, Oct 4, 2010.

  1. Daydream

    Daydream New Member

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    Around June of 2009 I met Henry online. We had a lot in common and bonded pretty quick. Eventually we got to meet irl and there were a lot of sparks flying between us. We started dating in August of that year and thing were going excellent, at least I thought so but he had the tendency to disappear for 3 to 4 days, sometimes even more, and don't even pick up the phone or anything then came back to me like nothing happened. I was obviously bothered by that and after the 3rd strike we had a "conversation" and he told me "I feel that I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now" and bunch of other crap and we stopped dating.

    3 weeks later I find out that he is not just dating, he has a brand new boyfriend. He left me for him. I felt like shit for a while but I got over it. We rarely spoke at all from oct to jan of this current year.

    In late January things changed. He came to me bitching about his bf, that he hated his friends cause they were a bad influence (In my mind I was like "Karma's a bitch' lol). In Feb things got worse he hacked his bf's facebook and found out he was having sex with random people things got really ugly and they broke up.

    As soon as things ended he started messaging me even more, trying to get closer to me. I tried to be just friends with him but the chemistry was undediable and in May we were working out together and we ended up kissing and showering together, he took the first step to my new demise.

    Things were going great between us, we went out nearly everywhere together, I hung out with his friends, we even went to the beach a couple times. Pure nirvana. But this is real life so all good things come to an end, he started doing the same thing AGAIN!!1, he disappeared for 2 or 3 days then came back to me like nothing ever happened. It's not that I'm needy but I at least like to talk to my guy once a day, or send him an sms wishing him a good day or w.e.

    In early october I just couldn't take it anymore. No one deserves to be treated like that. I deserve much better and I let him know. I didn't even keep him as a friend this time. He was saying that he truly loved me and didn't want to lose my friendship and me being the softy idiot that I am told him to give me some time. I deleted him from MSN, FB and everywhere else.

    Like a week ago he calls me asking me how I was doing, that he missed me, that too much time had went by. I was over it so I said it was ok. So he adds me again to everything. This time around I'm keeping a distance and barely talking to him at all.

    Today he dropped the bomb. He told me he had a boyfriend. It was like a bucket of cold water thrown to my face. I got so mad thank God it was over msn. And I'm not the jealous type at all but I must admit that I was totally jealous. I asked around and found out they had been dating before we broke up and a week after the ended things they became a couple.... :(
    Oops!... He did it again. He even dared to say "Oh I want you to meet him! He's a really nice guy. I think you two would get along perfectly". All the scars opened up again.

    I answered coldly to all of Henry's remarks and he noticed and said "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad but you're really important to me and I don't want our friendship to die with our relationship". I told him "Ot takes months, sometimes years to build a friendship but it only takes a second to destroy it. I don't promise you anything but I'll try".

    I really don't know how to handle this situation :S I even thought about destroying their relationship but my "better person"-complex is not letting me. Any advice, guys? Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Brick7

    Brick7 Active Member

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    Get him out of your life ASAP. He is karmic poison. What do you have to prove trying to be the better person and still be friends with him after the way he treated you? Do you really like to be abused?
    He treats you with disrespect, cheats on you not once but twice and now he still wants to be friends with you? Do you really need a friend like that in your life? Friends want the best for each other. He obviously doesn't or he wouldn't have cheated on you...twice. So he can't be your boyfriend but he still wants to be friends with you? Fuck that.
    I really hate to quote Dr. Phil but "Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior."
    Run as far away as you can from this guy.
     
  3. CAM4257

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    I agree with Brick here, you don't need serial cheating/disappointment. At least cut back for a while, maybe if you really think he's changed you could try and maintain some degree of friendship with him - but from what you've said it just doesn't seem worth it.
     
  4. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    He seems really immature. How old is this guy?
     
  5. AlteredEgo

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    Is he the sort who loves to be in love? Is he always in need of someone new? Know that you never have to forgive him, but you do have to accept who he is. Unfortunately, who he is happens to be the kind of person who hurts you over and over, with seemingly no lasting remorse, or ability to learn how to avoid hurting you again in the future. Only YOU can decide if that's the kind of person you want to spend time near. What you must not do is deny who he is.
     
  6. Daydream

    Daydream New Member

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    @Brick7: I really needed someone who wouldn't sugar coat it and looking at things from your point of view makes my decision crystal clear. I already knew that was the right choice but I really felt like venting. I just can't believe it took me over a year to realize who he is.


    @RedDude: He is 22

    @AlteredEgo: He definitely can't be alone. What really bugs the most is his lack or remorse. He sees everything through his rose-colored glasses. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow and let him know exactly what I think of him and wish him a nice "rest of your life".
     
    #6 Daydream, Oct 5, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2010
  7. irox19

    irox19 New Member

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    I went through something similar. CUT ALL CONTACT. Trust me on this.
     
  8. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    The guy sounds like he always wants what he cant have. I would advise you to be very strong and not let him creep back in to your life. He will most likely pull the very same shit again - people don't suddenly change who they are.
     
  9. yhtang

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    Sometimes i is good to vent and let o0ff steam. I am sure you feel better now.

    As for the one year... perhaps this shows that you are a kind, trusting and optimistic kind of person. Unfortunately, in this case your kindness, trust and optimism seem to have been abused by a bad person.

    I hope the next person who comes into your life would appreciate you for your qualities. Best of luck to you.
     
  10. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Going forward, you should identify the little red flags so that you are not unpleasantly surpreised. Someone who is nowhere to be found for 3 to 4 days is nto dating you exclusivily. You don't need a talk to figure that out.

    Also, someone who admits to me that they have hacked into a lover's account is dangerous, I wouldn't want them around. IT's wrong for them to do it and it's even worse that they admit it as if it were acceptable.

    When yu start having intermediate benchmarks regarding the type of people you want to be around and in view of the type of relationship you want with them, you won't get quite as in deep like with this guy.
     
  11. zaragoza

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    You need to cut him out of your life completely,you are obviously a very nice guy and that loser knows it and keeps taking advantage of you and playing with your emotions because of it.He's not worth your time,you'll be much better off.
     
  12. exwhyzee

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    Daydream, your experiences really resonate with me, and I can identify with the conflicted feelings you have. In the end, it sounds like this guy has a much different value system than you have...and that is bound to cause the same problems to occur over and over as long as he is in your life. Do yourself a favor and cut him off.

    I met a guy on the internet a few years ago (just like you), we had a lot of things in common and I bonded pretty quickly (just like you did). We lived far apart but we spent hours on the phone talking about everything under the sun. We talked about moving in together, about our feelings for each other, and things we looked forward to doing with each other.

    The first red flags went up a few months after we met. He would disappear for several days at a time (like you experienced). He didn't reply to email or phone messages for a week. I didn't know whether he was alive or dead. Then when he got back, he acted as if nothing happened and said he had the tendency to disappear for days at a time (just as you experienced). I cooled my jets with him after that, but he came back telling me how much I meant to him and how his feelings for me were like none he ever had before. I forgave.

    The next red flag revolved around the fact that he refused to do any "c2c" with me...in a sexual sense. One night I learned in the site's chat room that he jacked off for a guy (which was more he had ever done with me) and that pissed me off. He laughed it off saying I was just whining, and that he was just showing off to the other guy that he had no feelings for and I had his heart which was more important than having his cam. To a degree he was right, so I forgave and said I didn't mind if he did that infrequently.

    Shortly thereafter, he disappeared again. When he resurfaced, he confessed that he had gone on a camping trip with a girl and had slept with her (and how much he enjoyed it because of the release of sexual tension built up from talking with me!). I was really hurt by that...and he just didn't understand my perspective at all...repeating that I had his heart and the girl meant nothing. He even maintained that my permission for his c2c with folks on the website extended to real life sexual encounters. After clarification of the rules and promising never to do it again, I forgave.

    Things went well for the next few months, his disappearances became less frequent, and we even met irl a couple times.

    Our relationship deepened until one weekend when he met up with a moderator from the site of which we were both members! He confessed that they messed around and did sexually intimate shit. I was shocked that he would let things go as far as he did. He could not comprehend why I was hurt by his liaison...and even blamed the other guy for being aggressive and persuasive. In the end I couldn't forgive him anymore. Though we still communicated frequently after, the trust was wiped out.

    The relationship was struggling by this point, and the final act occurred when he began flirting with a guy who lived in a major city that he wanted to visit very badly. Though he stated that he didn't even like the guy, he felt that it was ok to pursue a free trip because the guy had a crush on him and could afford the cost. Since it was all done of free will, no one was getting hurt. That was the last nail in the coffin for the relationship.

    As I read through your post, it brought back the highs and lows of my own relationship. To this day he doesn't comprehend how much pain and anxiety I went through. He contacted me sixth months after we quit communicating wanting to get back together or at least be "just friends"...and I was floored! He had no clue why I would be mad at him and why I wouldn't want to be in contact with him anymore. Although I enjoyed his camaraderie and his intellect, we had an entirely different value system in terms of relationships, sex, and intimacy. In spite of all the good things between us, his actions were causing me a huge amount of pain. I had to cut him off.

    Don't bother worrying about their relationship. Let that live or die of its own accord. If he doesn't comprehend relationships the same way you do, they will have to deal with that on their own terms. Be easy on yourself, though, and move on to people that are less toxic to your personality and align closer to your values.

    Good luck, man. I know its hard. You aren't alone in having experienced what you did. One day all this mess will be a distant memory for you. :smile:
     
  13. nudeyorker

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    Don't try to get even. Get the anger and disappointment out of your system and move on.
    The best revenge you can possibly have is creating a happy and healthy life with love and trust. Something he is never going to have and it will drive him insane.
    Just remember the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
     
  14. Daydream

    Daydream New Member

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    I already did. Last night I couldn't sleep so I decided to write down everything I felt about this situation. I would post it but it's in Spanglish and I don't really feel like translating right now.

    He's not going to change. The odds of hitting the lottery are even higher due to his level of cynicism. When I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore he tried to play it as if I was the victim and I was the one blowing things out of proportions and misunderstanding him.

    He even posted this on FB:

    A cada insulto que recibamos, nosotros una propuesta, a cada descalificación, una idea. Y a cada exageración, una sonrisa :)

    In english "To every insult we get, from us a proposal, to every disqualification, an idea. And to every exaggeration, a smile :)"

    He's so childish. I just had to expect it from him.

    :) things are just going to be better from now on.

    I did see some of the red flags but I chose to ignore them, I guess love is really blind.

    Another thing that annoyed me a lot was that his ex, and all of his friends were accusing me of stealing Jerry's FB account cause I study computer science. I bet he probably started that rumor. Right now i'm just connecting so many dots and realizing a bunch of crap.


    Thanks :)

    Wow, he's just like H. To be honest we cannot be so understanding and forgiving. It's our time to demand because we just forgot about ourselves an focused all the attention in our babes which was a mistake. Or like one of friend calls those "An Experience", they already fulfilled their goal of letting us know exactly what not to look for in a relationship.


    Quoted for truth!
     
  15. exwhyzee

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    I think you need to forgive, but not forget. I guess I learned in all this that some people fuck you over without even thinking about it...and that each friendship or relationship is an investment of heart, soul, and time - so we all need to invest wisely.

    Hope you are feeling better with all these perspectives...good advice on here.
     
  16. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Or be profligate with your investment and accept that pain is part of life and that a little heartache is good for the soul, no matter how bleak it may feel at the time, and it makes you a stronger and more emotionally intelligent person.

    I don't believe the right response to pain (of which I've had more than my fair share) is to become guarded and slow to love. I think it should just teach you about how people are imperfect creatures, and this can offer us a way of improving ourselves, being kinder with other people, more sensitive to their feelings and more aware of the consequences of our own actions. Sure you can try to invest wisely, but ultimately you can't be clairvoyant so you just have to take life's knocks in good part, deal with the pain and make something positive out of it. Channeling the emotional energy created by heartache into something which could have positive benefits for you and those around you is extremely empowering, and stops you feeling a victim.
     
    #16 D_Tim McGnaw, Oct 5, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2010
  17. helgaleena

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    You are right, you deserve better. Remind yourself of this, and also take to heart how easy it is for some people to be very charming just so that they won't be alone.

    Trust me, being alone is what you are when he's there! Why not get rid of him and enjoy the lack of him? It's much more restful.

    List some of his personality traits so that if you find yourself attracted to somebody similar, you can stop before you are pulled in by the same little tricks. Resolve to try somebody quite different, as a learning experience. You might get a pleasant surprise.
     
  18. irox19

    irox19 New Member

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    yo hablo espanol....te lo leo si quieres :)
     
  19. Daydream

    Daydream New Member

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    Wise words. Period.

    Thanks for the advice. I don't want to fall in this vicious game again.

    :)

    This is what I told him:

    Todo el tiempo me he mantenido callado porque de verdad no quería aceptar la realidad, pero ya no aguanto más y te voy a decir exactamente todo lo que pienso de esta situación.



    Tú y yo simplemente no podemos ser amigos. Sé que insistes en que sigamos siéndolo pero no tienes la más mínima calidad moral como para pedirle eso a otra persona, tú no sabes cómo ser un amigo. Que amigo te ignora por días y luego pretende que nada paso? Que amigo te engaña con otro, no una sino dos veces? con Joaquin y con Eduard, tú crees que yo soy ciego. A los dos los conociste cuando tú y yo nos estábamos tratando pero no fuiste lo suficientemente hombre, no tuviste los cojones para decirme “Oye, lo nuestro no va a funcionar…” fui yo el que tuve que tomar la iniciativa siempre.



    La gota que derramo el vaso fue cuando me dijiste que querías presentarme a Ezequiel, que nos íbamos a llevar muy bien. Como te atreves? Tú si eres MMG. No hay otra cosa que decirte. De verdad nunca me habían hablado con tanto descaro.


    En varias ocasiones me has dicho que me quieres mucho, y pides perdón si en alguna ocasión me has hecho sentir mal. Parece que ya te doy pena o me sigues viendo como el mismo pendejo, sí, porque eso soy. Un pendejo que se creyó toda la mierda que le dijiste una y otra vez y te perdonaba todo lo que le hacías. Te deseo mucha suerte en encontrar a alguien que te quiera tanto como yo lo hice pero dudo que lo encuentres. I overlooked so many things I really disliked about you, I even compromised myself doing things I told myself I would never do. Todo por alguien que no vale la pena.



    Le tengo lastima a tu novio, no sabe en el lio que se ha metido, ese va a ser otra víctima más de ti. No me sorprende de ti ya que no puedes estar solo William -> Me -> Joaquin -> Me -> Eduard y quien sabe todos los que haya habido en el medio. Pero por lo menos a ellos tres los trataste con un chin más de respeto que a mí. Nunca llegamos a ponerle un nombre a lo nuestro sin embargo ellos fueron tus novios mientras yo solo fui el idiota que llenaba el vacío en lo que encontrabas a alguien que en realidad te interese. A ellos si les das su puesto, a cada uno lo tenías en tus top friends de FB en su momento.


    Toy tan enojado conmigo mismo porque me tomo más de un año darme cuenta el tipo de persona que en realidad eres. Yo te daba, y te daba oportunidades y todos mis amigos me decían que no me convenías however I always felt like you were someone special. That you just needed some time to come around but I was dead wrong. You were always this way and you’re never gonna change.



    Siempre me la pasaba pensando en cómo ibas a sentirte Henry, pero en ningún momento me detuve a pensar en que me merecía, que era justo. A ti no te importa nadie, solo piensas en ti y en que te hace sentir bien y así no se puede. Si en algún momento de pasa por la mente la realidad simplemente escapas y regresas cuando ya tienes a todos tus demonios in check.



    I simply can’t be your friend. I can’t keep standing your abuse. I can’t allow your disrespect. Friends want the best for each other and you obviously don’t want the best for me otherwise you wouldn’t have cheated on me… twice! And you want to be my friend? Fuck that & fuck you. I really hate to quote Dr. Phil but "Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior."


    Si algún dia te veo en la calle, ya que Santo Domingo es chiquito, trata de ignorarme o pasar por otro lado. Yo no soy enemigo tuyo pero tampoco soy tu amigo. Tú tomaste decisiones y ahora tienes que lidear con las consecuencias. Y ni te atrevas a responderme con tu carita de yo no fui, sin contestar ni un solo de mis argumentos y diciéndome que lo sientes or whatever. Yo no necesito “amigos” como tú en mi vida. Tengo demasiados problemas para que tú vengas a hacerme la vida aún más complicada. Have a good life.
     
  20. irox19

    irox19 New Member

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    sounds like a good vent...good for you to get your feelings off your chest. you are very expressive!
     
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