Just needed to get it out.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by illiniguy03, Oct 16, 2010.

  1. illiniguy03

    illiniguy03 New Member

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    I hardly ever post here, but I feel this is the best place to vent to...

    Me and a guy that used to go to my highschool became really close friends. I was a sophomore, he was a senior. I am now a senior in highschool and he is a sophomore in college.

    We started randomly talking one day, then it turned to lets hang out some time...and before I knew it, he was my best friend. It was the strongest friendship I have ever had with anyone. We talked all the time, could tell eachother anything, and hung out quite a bit as well.

    This might be me wishful thinking, so bear with me. At the time, it didn't seem like a 'just friends' sort of thing to me. He is notorious for being extremely pervy and horny all the time with women, and he would occasionally ask me to come over to his house while no one was there. To my dismay, nothing ever happened. It ended up being us just hanging out watching tv blah blah. It got more intense however when he started asking me if he can come to my house while my family is home and kind of hang around my family some since I was around his often. I didn't think much of it.

    On a specific occasion, we had made plans to hang out, but at the last minute I discovered I had to run into work for three hours. He freaked out on me, got all pissed off saying I ditched him and really wanted to hang out. This isn't the typical behavior of two male friends in my small town.

    I'm sure this sounds confusing to everyone, but the thing about it is is that I am in love with him, have been from the start. We hardly talk at all any more since he went away to school, but everytime I see him or his name I get butterflies and I still think about him every single day. This wishful thinking about his odd close behaviors with me has me thinking maybe it was more to him as well. I never brought it up, never mentioned being gay, never mentioned any closer relationship than my best friend, but I'm wondering if maybe he didnt feel some sort of closer connection to me than I thought he did.

    I dont know what to do :( It's pretty much blown now, but if I could only go back in time and pick up signs and find out what he really thought, and get into some more of a relationship than friends, be it hooking up or what not, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is so hard.
     
  2. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    If he was interested in something more, I think that in some way he would have been more overt about it. I say this because you were already best friends and spent a lot of time together.

    I get irritated with my best bud if he dogs me on hanging out for one reason or another. I don't go off on him or anything. It's a sign that you're close and you have an emotional attachment/dependency.

    I am not sure I will ever understand straight male friendships. But I think as guys get older there is less of this closeness because career and women enter the picture in a major way (serious dating, engagement, marriage, kids).

    Don't mean to be discouraging. This is just how I see it years out from university. If you're going away to school though you'll have more opportunities to form those close friendships and there will probably be more gay or bi guys around as well, and it will not always be immediately obvious. I know right now you might feel that no one could take his place, and maybe no one can, but you still have the capacity to form new friendships and relationships.

    These situations are always really hard and sometimes there is never any actual resolution. I've been there, and so have a lot of other guys. All you have to do to know that is watch the threads in this forum. I wish I could say that these kinds of situations get easier as you get older, but I don't think that they necessarily do.
    It's just the reality of male love in the real world. Love can be both glorious and painful.

    What I wouldn't recommend doing is just having a one-off hookup with this guy. If you still have serious feelings for him it might be worse than if you were never physically intimate at all.
     
    #2 B_RedDude, Oct 16, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2010
  3. illiniguy03

    illiniguy03 New Member

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    It felt different though, more different than I could describe on here, although I'm trying.

    Him getting genuinely pissed off at me when I couldn't go to him right that minute...texting all day when we weren't hanging out, the occasional waking up to a "goodmorning" text from him...it just seemed different. He's one of those guys though, who wouldn't ever admit it. I'd have to make the first move, and I'm WAY to scared to.

    It just sucks!
     
  4. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    If you value his friendship, you're right to be scared. So many of these situations end up with the guys never speaking again.

    You're right, it sucks. There's no sugarcoating it.

     
  5. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    Is it a lot of talk without the documented action? Maybe he's trying to convince himself of something. Not to get your hopes up. Just sayin'.

     
  6. haulthat

    haulthat Member

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    I have to inhibit my gut reaction on this one very much, because it would be harsh. Simply put, you can not have it both ways. It is your fault that you are frustrated with the situation because you avoid doing things that make you uncomfortable. It is nothing more than that. Its obvious by your description that he is not one of the guys everyone loves who is going to be like "fuck I'm horny... will you... help me out:wink:". Its great when that happens, but its dumb to expect it to always be that simple.
    If you are that close, you owe it to him to be a better friend. If he knew you were gay, and was teasing you and flirting all the time that would be bullshit, but he doesn't and hes not. You have to either trust him enough to let him know your gay, in private, in a relaxed situation without your hand on his upper thigh. Get over your fantasy, be glad you have a friend like that and enjoy that for what it is... which in many cases can be worth more than a relationship considering few relationships last. Or avoid him, let it grow apart, and hate yourself for choosing to loose a friend, find out if he could have been a potential lover, or both.
    Also, I don't deny being 99% gay. I'm not out to everyone, if someone seriously asks me I am honest, aside from that its my business. I love my boyfriend, I think men are amazing in every way(women too, just not sexually for me of course), and don't look at the kind of relationship you described between two men like that at all. Two men can be extremely close without being gay in the least. Everything you described was closeness on a personal level, did I overlook anything even touching a sexual hint? Straight has nothing to do with being emotionally detached and distant from other men. It just means you like to fuck women and not men.
    He likes you a lot, he very well may love you too. That doesn't mean he in any way leans towards being gay. It just means he is a good person, and a great friend. If you have that kind of a relationship in your life, yeah its gonna piss you off a little if you don't get to spend time with them when you were looking forward to it. He wasn't pissed off because he didn't get the fill he needed to jerk off later on, he was frustrated because one of his closest friends wasn't around when he wanted them to be. If he is interested in you sexually, it sounds like you might have stumbled on to one of the best situations possible. If hes not interested in you sexually, it sounds like you are already in one of the best situations possible. Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like that in their life, don't bitch or be sad if it turns out he wont fuck you on top of it (or on bottom, I don't know how things are between you two lol((I thought I would throw this in to lighten things up)))
    First. When he is going to be around again for a while. Spend some good time with him and just be a good friend, and enjoy him being that too. Make damn sure to set aside some time to have a sit down with him, tell him you trust and care about him, and just wanted him not to be the last person to know you just happen to be gay, and only are telling him for the sake of never hiding something from him. Scary? Hell yes! There is a slight possibility that could turn out bad. Make sure you are physically too close to him, but don't be across the room either when you tell him. Let his reaction determine how the conversation goes from there. Do not even mention your feelings for him until long after you cross that bridge. If and when he is comfortable with that 1 aspect of you as a person, maybe throw it out there in a small way every now and then. Just always be respectful, and never be demanding or create a pressured situation.
    If you decide not to tell him. You gotta get over your feelings for him, and just let it be a shock if some day he shoves his hand between your ass cheeks pushing your jeans in and shoves his tongue down your throat. Expecting it is practically holding your hand against a hot stove. If that's your thing, I won't judge I just think its a real bad idea. Good luck. Let me know how things play out if you get a chance somewhere down the road. :fing02:

    (PS: If you read and follow my advise I accept no responsibility for a bad ending, as your failure to execute may have led there. HOWEVER if you follow my advice and end up in one of the hottest most beautiful relationships gay men have ever seen, I take complete responsibility and demand the right to record your love making if at some point in time you are both comfortable with exposing at least your naked bodies, faces can be avoided at request, on the net. I would record, edit, post and retain no less than 60% or greater than 70% of the profit if profits were generated.:jester:)

     
  7. illiniguy03

    illiniguy03 New Member

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    I want to thank you for this long post. Some of the things you said hit home, and some I disagree with, but theres no way you could know that because only I know the actual experiences me and this guy had, it's impossible for anyone else to know.

    One thing you said in the beginning was right, yes...he is NOT a very well liked guy. He had a girlfriend for most of the time of his highschool life, didn't go out much, and was quite frankly a creep. People didn't like him for this. I think this is why we had such a close friendship, because I was really one of the few people that was truly friends with him. I think he sensed this as well, so he opened up to me and we became very close. Hung out all the time. I don't know if it was for lack of anything else to do so he just calls me, but whatever. Now that he is off to college, we go months without speaking.

    I don't desire a strictly sexual relationship with him. I mean, if we were riding around or hanging out one night and he asked for a blowjob, i'd GLADLY give him one (he's hot, and HUNG, and has a thing for blowjobs...he's told me). But it was more than that for me. I hid these feelings, but just the thought of him texting me made me happy, and when we hung out, there was no where else I'd rather be. I had much stronger feelings around him than friendship. I didn't act on these, and don't think I made it too apparent, but it was there.

    We discusses things from his past girlfriends, sex life, what he likes, his size, his past, his depressions...anything and everything. A lot of times this would be the basis of our conversations, just me and him talking about things we couldn't with anyone else. Thats why he was my best friend. I thought of him first. I've never had a friend that close since.

    We had a falling out eventually. He had gone off to college, and pretty much left me hanging. I sound like the crazy ex-girlfriend type right now I'm sure, but it really hurt me more than anything when he just moved on to a new life and dropped me like I was nothing to him. This was happening at a point where I was in depression after discovering my father may or may not have been cheating on my mother. All I wanted was my best friend, and he moved on. It still kills me to this day. The posts about valuing his friendship make me feel a lot worse now, too. I still value his friendship, and if he needed me any time I'd go to him in a heartbeat, but he's over it.

    I sound as though I'm rambling, I know. Maybe I am. It's pretty much hopeless now, I cannot tell him and no one else will understand what I'm going through. but it feels so much better to be able to get this out. I am posting this to people who would understand, all while having a little bit of anonymity.

    Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them and welcome more posts.
     
    #7 illiniguy03, Oct 16, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2010
  8. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    Happy that the site could be of help to you. This is tough stuff.

     
    #8 B_RedDude, Oct 17, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2010
  9. illiniguy03

    illiniguy03 New Member

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    yep, it sure as hell is!
     
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