just to vent some frustration

twoton

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My wife and I have a wreck of a sex life. Mostly because, I think, she has a medical condition which has been discussed here in other threads (too much pain for sex). Another problem is that we just don't discuss it much, if at all.

So I just want to vent a little because there doesn't seem to be a workable solution at this point.

I tried to bring it up a couple nights ago. "I think my penis is getting smaller," I said.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it never gets used." Ha ha. I tried to open with a joke. She wasn't amused.
"The smaller the better," she said. "A tampon doesn't hurt."
Before I could answer she added, "I already told you you can have it, all you have to do is ask."

The problem is, she doesn't want it. I don't know if it's because I don't ask enough, or because it hurts too much. It's a combination of both, I suppose. But why would I want to ask? She doesn't want it. She'll say yes, we'll do it, it'll hurt her, she'll be resentful. Or she'll say no, and feel guilty, then feel resentful.

So maybe I ought to resign myself to a life of either abstinence or porn.

Otherwise, we have a pretty good marriage.
 

martin60018

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ask her to talk about it before you need to go outside of the relationship to get help or relief.
I am 1000 x 100000th power % sure if it was a money problem, she would be talking to YOU about it.
AND YOU will do something about it or lose her.
so she should meet you at least half way and talk about it. or see a doctor.

did you see the TV medical show about the american muslim woman living in NYC who was so brainwashed from childhood, that sex was dirty and bad, that it hurt her and she was on the verge of divorce?

she went to therapy to learn to like her cunt and have sex!
(it was mental)

some females do have a very physical pain, but pain killers can help them.
after all, a baby will come out of that little hole.

p.s. I am gay, and have too many str8 female friends, and girlfriend, let me tell you how many of them who just dont love their husbands, just stop having sex with them.

chump if you are not just another meal ticket, take action and go with her to the doctor and get this fixed.

or,

is she in love with someone else and just not interested in you anymore ( just another excuse )

females recognize this in males instantly when you lose interest in them and cant get it up anymore. ( my best str8 male friend says that his wife accuses him of being gay and having a thing for me -his gay friend- to initiate sex. He knows he needs to perform for her, so his retort is, if we have more sex I wont be gay. then they have marathon sex )
guess who he asks for Viagra pills from? so I know how much they are doing it.

sick right?//// so back to the rant/////


just saying cause one of my bitch coworker is now doing this to her husband
no nookie cause she is no longer in love with him.
he is the father of her child and she will not leave him cause of $$$$$$

needless to say, I am starting to put some space between us.
I used to be the "go to" gay girlfriend for all her problems and advice, but I dont like her play on this.

Sorry for the rant, just beware. it could be more serious than you think under everything.

there is a drug to cure everything :)
 

Hotlatbtm

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I agree with Martin on this. A BABY comes out of that so it CANT be too bad can it ? Have you two 'had' children yet ? If not then she may in fact have a problem, some women do it takes a DR to figure it out tho. If you have then there is again something wrong there and only a DR can figure it out still. IF she balks at seeing a Dr then Martin is right and she has eyes for someone else. The medical excuse ONLY holds up IF it is true !
 

Dell1962

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Twoton -- you are not alone. My wife is in the same boat with the exception of the pain part. In her case, her desire is almost completely gone. We made an arrangement for once a month and she sometimes remembers it. Except for that we have a pretty decent life together. I don't know what to tell you. It seems to get better then I go through a time where I want it very badly. I use a toy to get off every morning in the shower, look at some porn, not too much and nothing kinky and it does not do a lot for me like it did years ago. I can't even cuddle with her she just does not want the intimacy.

I hang in there because, where else would I go? It is obvious she loves me as she puts up with me. I am moody (Mostly from no sex) and she still wants me around.

As I have also said, she had desire when she was younger, but I think too many men just simply used it up and I got left with the dregs.

Hang in there. That is what I do, one day at a time.
 

ShannonH

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I think we need a sticky post telling people to stop comparing having sex to giving birth. They're not the same thing. Birth takes 9 month to prepare for, the final two weeks involve some major physical changes, labour itself often lasts 24+ hours, and even then it's still considered extremely painful.

None of us really know what twoton's wife is dealing with. It's a dick move to try and tell him what his wife's physical condition is.

You haven't asked for advice, so I'll just say it's extremely natural to feel frustrated like this. Hope things work out.
 

Guill

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You sound like you care a lot and can see things from her perspective more than most. The only thing that seemed off was the joke. Keeping things light is a good idea but unfortunately that joke had an accusatory tone which is why it didn't go well. Good luck figuring it out.
 

MrGoodDate

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I wonder what your love relationship is during the days of your time together. Do you give her respect and love. Are you really kind to her. Do you show you love her for more than sex.
Also, when you have sex do you spend time in foreplay to gently arouse her feelings?
One more thing, do you stimulate her so she has sexual satisfaction, meaning an orgasm, most of the time?
A woman showered with love loves in return.
 

Serial Kisser

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ask her to talk about it before you need to go outside of the relationship to get help or relief.
I am 1000 x 100000th power % sure if it was a money problem, she would be talking to YOU about it.
AND YOU will do something about it or lose her.
so she should meet you at least half way and talk about it. or see a doctor.

did you see the TV medical show about the american muslim woman living in NYC who was so brainwashed from childhood, that sex was dirty and bad, that it hurt her and she was on the verge of divorce?

she went to therapy to learn to like her cunt and have sex!
(it was mental)

some females do have a very physical pain, but pain killers can help them.
after all, a baby will come out of that little hole.

p.s. I am gay, and have too many str8 female friends, and girlfriend, let me tell you how many of them who just dont love their husbands, just stop having sex with them.

chump if you are not just another meal ticket, take action and go with her to the doctor and get this fixed.

or,

is she in love with someone else and just not interested in you anymore ( just another excuse )

females recognize this in males instantly when you lose interest in them and cant get it up anymore. ( my best str8 male friend says that his wife accuses him of being gay and having a thing for me -his gay friend- to initiate sex. He knows he needs to perform for her, so his retort is, if we have more sex I wont be gay. then they have marathon sex )
guess who he asks for Viagra pills from? so I know how much they are doing it.

sick right?//// so back to the rant/////


just saying cause one of my bitch coworker is now doing this to her husband
no nookie cause she is no longer in love with him.
he is the father of her child and she will not leave him cause of $$$$$$

needless to say, I am starting to put some space between us.
I used to be the "go to" gay girlfriend for all her problems and advice, but I dont like her play on this.

Sorry for the rant, just beware. it could be more serious than you think under everything.

there is a drug to cure everything :)

I really hope no one ever takes your advice....ever.
 

D_Anne_T_Freeze

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I wonder what the wives would say if they had the chance to post here. I'm always dubious about these kinds of stories because my only frame of reference for not wanting sex is me. And when i don't want sex it's because i no longer want YOU. But when medical problems are involved that's different. I suppose i just wish people were more honest with each other. And that's not a dig at the posters here as by the sounds of it the wives aren't being honest either. Sorry guiys, all i could suggest is you both take a truth serum and sit and talk. Not very realistic eh?
 

twoton

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Wow, thanks for the replies.
1. We have three kids
2. She used to be a sexy little sex....person.
3. Been to ob/gyn specialists who say major surgery but won't vouch for results.
4. She never had much patience for a lot of foreplay. Her favorite sex was quickies.
5. She's never was a size queen.

Like I said, posted about it before and don't want to sound like I'm a nag. Just need a shoulder once in a while.
 

simbablk

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That sucks and I certainly can imagine the amount of frustration you must be feeling. I guess that book "The Five Love Languages" was correct in stating that most (most being over 50%) men have a love language that is not Physical. So it seems you are receiving love from wife in other ways which is a good thing.

I do hope this works out for you. Best of luck.


Simba
 

erratic

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Like I said, posted about it before and don't want to sound like I'm a nag. Just need a shoulder once in a while.

I can imagine! It's hard when the same problem keeps coming back again and again. You start becoming aware that , though you want to be accommodating, your needs aren't being met. And you have every right to those needs. And of course it feels bad when your wife doesn't want to have sex with you; on a pretty deep level, that's got to feel like she's rejecting you, pushing you away in that moment. And her getting crusty about the whole issue says to me that she actually feels really badly about it all, and the more that sore spot gets touched on, the more crusty she gets.

That's really rough, dude. I wish you all the best.
 

helgaleena

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As a former sufferer from endometriosis, which would be consistent with your wife's story, please do not think she has quit desiring you.

When mine was really bad, I would be quite happy to stick with other sorts of lovemaking than intercourse fr my partner's satisfaction. The problem is that even getting aroused can hurt, later. The pain of endo strikes afterwards, like very deep abdominal bruising. it never cured me of being aroused however.

If your wife says she'll have intercourse, take her up on it, but go very very gently and slowly. Don't let her guilt-trip you that she is only 'allowing' something that she cannot enjoy. It's simply that it is certain to hurt later. And she will have to recover for quite a long time after that, so be prepared to take over all her chores round the house until she can move again.

And pray for early menopause if you don't go the surgical route! Menopause gave me a whole new pain-free sex life.
 

B_Nick8

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ask her to talk about it before you need to go outside of the relationship to get help or relief.
I am 1000 x 100000th power % sure if it was a money problem, she would be talking to YOU about it.
AND YOU will do something about it or lose her.
so she should meet you at least half way and talk about it. or see a doctor.

did you see the TV medical show about the american muslim woman living in NYC who was so brainwashed from childhood, that sex was dirty and bad, that it hurt her and she was on the verge of divorce?

she went to therapy to learn to like her cunt and have sex!
(it was mental)

some females do have a very physical pain, but pain killers can help them.
after all, a baby will come out of that little hole.

p.s. I am gay, and have too many str8 female friends, and girlfriend, let me tell you how many of them who just dont love their husbands, just stop having sex with them.

chump if you are not just another meal ticket, take action and go with her to the doctor and get this fixed.

or,

is she in love with someone else and just not interested in you anymore ( just another excuse )

females recognize this in males instantly when you lose interest in them and cant get it up anymore. ( my best str8 male friend says that his wife accuses him of being gay and having a thing for me -his gay friend- to initiate sex. He knows he needs to perform for her, so his retort is, if we have more sex I wont be gay. then they have marathon sex )
guess who he asks for Viagra pills from? so I know how much they are doing it.

sick right?//// so back to the rant/////


just saying cause one of my bitch coworker is now doing this to her husband
no nookie cause she is no longer in love with him.
he is the father of her child and she will not leave him cause of $$$$$$

needless to say, I am starting to put some space between us.
I used to be the "go to" gay girlfriend for all her problems and advice, but I dont like her play on this.

Sorry for the rant, just beware. it could be more serious than you think under everything.

there is a drug to cure everything :)

"girlfriend", I think you're a hot mess. No, frankly, I think you're a bitch.
 

twoton

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As a former sufferer from endometriosis, which would be consistent with your wife's story, please do not think she has quit desiring you.

When mine was really bad, I would be quite happy to stick with other sorts of lovemaking than intercourse fr my partner's satisfaction. The problem is that even getting aroused can hurt, later. The pain of endo strikes afterwards, like very deep abdominal bruising. it never cured me of being aroused however.

If your wife says she'll have intercourse, take her up on it, but go very very gently and slowly. Don't let her guilt-trip you that she is only 'allowing' something that she cannot enjoy. It's simply that it is certain to hurt later. And she will have to recover for quite a long time after that, so be prepared to take over all her chores round the house until she can move again.

And pray for early menopause if you don't go the surgical route! Menopause gave me a whole new pain-free sex life.

Thank you, helgaleena. In her case, though, scar tissue from multiple c-sections shifted her vagina out of its normal position. They could do surgery to clear it, but that itself might result in scar tissue, as well as have other consequences.

Again, thank you all for your support and concerns. :smile: And yes, it's a loving relationship in many other ways. No doubt it's been a struggle for her as well, but she has a slightly different personality, she isn't one to dwell on what she can't have, whereas I miss the good ol' days.

ONce in a while she'll remark about the irony of my size and her inability to accommodate it, say she'd be better off with a smaller than average man while I'd be better off with a woman who like big ones (although she claims to have never met such a woman). And she'll say if she wants to be married she'll have to do her "duty" and have sex with me. Or stuff like that. I don't take it too seriously because I know it's a struggle for her.

It's a 180° turn from what she used to be.
 

helgaleena

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She's sacrificed her physical well being to bring three lovely kids into this world. I will bet she misses the 'good old days' too! If you had to trade your kids for a return to days of easy sex, would you do it? Gee, that's a tough one! Blessings on your family.
 

twoton

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If you had to trade your kids for a return to days of easy sex, would you do it? Gee, that's a tough one! Blessings on your family.

I asked myself that same question a couple nights ago. And the answer is.....it depends on when you ask....:wink:

Actually, I probably shouldn't even have to answer, as I'm sure you're asking in a more rhetorical sense, but for the record and for the doubters--never.
 

martin60018

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Wow, thanks for the replies.
1. We have three kids
2. She used to be a sexy little sex....person.
3. Been to ob/gyn specialists who say major surgery but won't vouch for results.
4. She never had much patience for a lot of foreplay. Her favorite sex was quickies.
5. She's never was a size queen.

Like I said, posted about it before and don't want to sound like I'm a nag. Just need a shoulder once in a while.

1 so you are both old enough with kids
2 she used to like it
3 went to see the doctor already
4 bend me over and fuck me style
5 anything was acceptable

so now being kind,
1st, see a 2nd opinion for the doctor. she could have cysts or ovarian tumors/cancer which under pressure can cause discomfort or pain.
2nd, she is getting old and entering menopause.
3rd you are entering andropause and have a "midlife crisis" wanting more sex
4th you were never good at sex, hence the hurry up get me pregnant and be done with it sex in the past. but now the deed is done and the kids are here
so forget the bad sex already attitude from your wife.

otherwise, good luck finding an answer.

btw: my fellow office bitches (50+ y/o) with kids, quickly advised to double check for the cysts and tumors. one suggested that post childbirth if she did naturally?, if she had gotten reconstructive surgery done up too tight or incorrectly? post delivery. hence your 1st dr suggesting elective surgery and not promising anything.
a collective group of older females have a very large pool of experience to learn from
all 4 suggestions came from older females
so there, just ask your wife for the truth and find your options.

unless it is the dreaded wandering eye.

hope not

and yes they are all titillated and in awe of this website.
some were drooling at all you hung monsters
good thing for unlimited data plans on mobile phones
 
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