Just wanting some input

Dell1962

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Most who have read my posts here in the Relationships area know I have been married for 14 years to a woman who has virtually no sex desire. Therefore I get it about three or four times a year.

Enter a woman I have known for over 20 years. We worked together back in the early 90's in a professional way and then went our separate ways. We have reconnected via social media. She is almost 40 and single.

Right now she has been dealing with some very serious health issues related to a car crash from last year. We text every day in some form and we have talked on the phone many times (Usually when I am on the road running errands or working).

I have vented about my frustrations and she has revealed alot of her inner issues as well. Two marriages, one to a druggie and the other to a wife beater.

Long story short, yesterday she tells me that she wishes I was not married and that we could be together.

Here is what I know; financially it would be very difficult to divorce.
Difficult, but not impossible.

Wife has stuck with me through some very difficult personal times.
Wife would literally have no one if I was not there.

If I divorce, my stress level of nagging about my weight would drop. Nagging in general would go down.

My sex life would definitely improve and my personal level of happiness would probably improve as well.

I find I am thinking about this though nothing would happen until next year due to her needing further treatment.

The question, is a lack of sex a reason to get a divorce? Also, I am wondering how much of her thinking is influenced by the pain meds she is on?

And no, we have never had sex.

All comments welcome.
 

a36ddd

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The advise I would give you is if you are not happy talk to your wife. If there are things that cant change and you are not happy about that then divorce. Just make sure you are honest and do not cheat on her leave her first. Also talk to your wife maybe if there is a medical reason for the not wanting sex then maybe she would understand you going out and getting it somewhere else. You will not know until you talk to her but you need to talk to her or leave her before you cheat. It will only hurt her more in the end.
 

long_uncut

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Think long and hard about this. You don't reveal here your or her age or when she stopped wanted sex or has she always been this way? Did you have premarital sex? If so, when did it change? Do you have children? How have you changed that might affect her lack of desire? Does she have a medical problem or do you? Is she post-menopausal or have a hormonal problem? Have the two of you sought marital counseling or medical advice about this? Do you love her or have you ever loved her? Why did you get married in the first place? There are so many questions I would have about this situation.

There is so much more in a marriage than sex and some nagging, but those two problems after 14 years of it would drive most men over the edge. In fact they would cause enough stress to make most men at least think about divorce or running off to some far away place never to be found again--anyway in our more irrational moments. I haven't followed your situation on here so I am starting cold here but I sympathize with you. However, I would straighten out the situation with my wife before becoming involved with anyone else, and if that involves divorce then do that first. Evidently you didn't think seriously about divorce until your old friend entered the picture so consider that and, if I were you, I would distance myself from her for now. She has her own set of problems which don't need to be mixed with the relationship problems you have with your wife. My two cents worth--do with it what you want.
 

Dell1962

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Thanks both. As I said I am just looking for input before this thing spirals out of control. In general, yes, we have seen counseling. Counseling does not work unless both parties compromise. I was willing to compromise, wife is not. She has no desire for sex, and you cant put desire where there is none. We have talked and talked this issue to death now for years. It is not changing.

I am 51 and wife is 59. Old friend is 40. Wife went through her change of life about a month after we were married. Before we were married sex was great. Change of life and BAM. No more. Just like that. She tried the hormone therapy but gained weight and her system has been screwed up ever since.

We have had several blow outs over sex recently...we dont argue over money or anything really ... well my weight... and sex. I have asked if my physical size is a problem with it and she assures me no. But she is into these health books and I do eat better than ever. But damn, I have lost 50 pounds so far and she is not satisfied.... hence the nagging. I try not to eat anything she does not put in front of me and it is tough.

You ask if we love each other, yes we do. But sometimes love is not enough to overcome these issues. I loved my first wife, but we could not work it out.

I am 1000 miles from the friend so just jumping in the car and running to see her is out.

Personally I think the drugs are doing most of the talking as she is on powerful pain killers.

But I am considering all my options.

Thanks again
 

long_uncut

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This is a terrible mess. You really don't deserve to be shut off from sex entirely. She apparently was a willing partner at first. And that is a long time to be in a funk over menopause. You have been married a long time and shut off a long time. Not many men would endure that. Everyone deserves a stab at happiness and neither of you is getting any younger or happier. Have you discussed divorce with her? Maybe she would be just as happy with her reading and whatever else she does and not have to think about a husband. I don't think you are going to get this problem resolved. But whatever you do, don't get involved with anyone else until you have this settled. You say you were married before and the other gal has been married a couple of times. Not to rain on your parade, but statistics show a dismal decline in success of each succeeding marriage. Think carefully before plunging again and explore your options as a free and single man.
 

a36ddd

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You say your wife if on some powerful pain killers that could be what is killing her appetite for sex. If that is the case then maybe she should talk to her doctor about some different pain med or if it is a serious issue that requires her to take such strong meds than maybe you dont have any other options but to leave. I could not imagine being in your situation but for both of you it sounds like you have to talk seriously and mention how unhappy you are and tell her you have thought about divorce if that is the case. Just make sure you talk and dont just run out and have an affair.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Not having sex isn't the problem, it's a symptom. If you and your wife can't get to the source of the problem, then a divorce may be in order to improve the quality of life for BOTH of you. Not getting laid, in and of itself, is not reason for divorce. But don't get a divorce to jump into a relationship with another woman, and don't wait to get the divorce until this other woman is prepared to mount you. Divorce because you and your wife are unhappy and unable to resolve your issues.
 

Sklar

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If she's nagging you about your weight and you're not having sex because of your weight easy solution is to lose the weight.

Also, if that's the only thing she's nagging you about, count your blessings.

If your wife stuck by your side during the hard Timex, it's time you stuck by her.

The grass is always greener, my friend, but home is where it's at.

Sklar
 

Lancered

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This is a very difficult situation for both of you. I know that not having sex for a long time is unhealthy for a relationship, however, you seemed to have managed being together for this long... I know, from what you have said that there have been many discussions and arguments over this issue, and your feeling is that your wife is uncompromising. I entirely agree with what the others have said, it is important to make a decision about this relationship before embarking on another. The 1000 mile gap is probably no bad thing -prevents you form being too tempted!

The fact that your wife is on very strong pain killers is a point that concerns me, as have said that this has been discussed before. If she is in constant pain, then sex would be the last thing on her mind, it may even aggravate her pain especially if she has become menopausal. Often the pain killers do cloud judgement, or make people feel that they are detached from what is happening around them (that is what the addicts crave). The final point is that the very strong pain killers have been shown to reduce the sex hormones, so she will have no desire because of that. Moreover, the hormones may need to be replaced over the longer term. This will need an assessment by an experienced endocrine specialist or a pain physician.

From what you say, she has been with you through some hard times and it seems from what I am seeing (I have not read all of your posts, just this thread) there was something good between you two for a time. I would be sorry to see that thrown away, especially if there is a medical reason for this.

I hope this helps, if not just ignore it -I tend to be one for staying together if at all possible as most of us have relationships that are not ideal!

All the best!
 

catman

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the grass is always greener. so you divorce your wife, you marry the new woman, and you are just as miserable...then what?
 

Hippie Hollow Girl

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Question: Who is on the pain meds? Your wife or your forty year old female friend who you have known for 20 years and who was recently in an automobile accident?

I was assuming you were referring to the female friend who was in the car accident.....She was the one who made the comment that she wished you weren't married so the two of you could be together. And I thought you were asking if the pain meds might be influencing your friend's thought process. I think the main thing to point out here is that you and the female friend are already engaging in an emotional affair. Both of you are saying what the other one wants to hear. Your friend has been in a car wreck, she is on pain meds, she has a bad track record with men, you are a good stable guy, she probably sees you as the answer to her prayers. But there is no guarantee that she won't lose her sex drive or go thru menopause right after you marry her too.

Work things out with your wife or if they can't be worked out, divorce and be amicable. Don't start anything up with anyone until you have come to an agreement with your wife. My 2 cents.
 

KindlyJedi

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I'll be very blunt here.

If your wife is willing but unable to have sex for some reason, get to the bottom of it.

If your wife is able but unwilling, then you have a problem. In this case you should feel justified in either overt extramarital activity, or divorce.
 

Dell1962

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Thanks all. Now let me clarify. 40 year old is on the pain meds from her accident. Wife is on nothing but vitamins. You have all been very generous in your insights and advice and given me new perspectives to think about and I do appreciate it.
 

cgttown

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Your situation is not ideal by any means, so I'd suggest a couple of things. First, make a list of why you are married to your wife. What is it that you get from the relationship, and what is it you BRING to the relationship? You said if you divorced her, she'd have no one. So are you her only friend? She sounds like she may be depressed or have some other issue that isolates.

Second, if the "relationship" such as it is, is worth keeping (you're friends, you enjoy each others' company, etc.), then maybe you bring up staying married but you pursuing sex outside the relationship. I know everyone on here is "don't cheat whatever you do," but there is such as things as an "open relationship," and some people make it work. If she understands your desire for sex but does nothing to help that, then she shouldn't be upset that you want it elsewhere.

I find it hard to fathom that she refuses sex of any kind with you, but since I'm in a marriage that has definite sexual challenges at times, I know it's complicated. Ask her for oral sex, perhaps, or a handjob if intercourse is not in her plans. At some level, her refusal to have sex with you is a power play and is pretty darn selfish. People in a relationship do stuff all the time that they're not really crazy about because they put the other person's pleasure or needs before their own. She doesn't seem to hip on that.

As far as your relationship goes, if she's nagging you about weight, then you need to tell her to stop. She sounds more like a mother than a lover or wife anyway. That's not a healthy relationship, and it's certainly not crazy to ask for an improved relationship (with sex being part of that) or you're not staying around.

The friend, on the other hand, does not see like much of a better solution. If she has health issues, you may find yourself in another similar situation. Last, if you divorce, how about just not getting married again, period. I don't mean not having a relationship, and I certainly don't mean giving up sex. I just mean don't marry again and take a bit more control over all aspects of your life.

BTW, we're close to the same age, and I have no intentions of giving up sex for at least 20-25 years. If you don't use it, though, your desire goes down, as does your ability, your stamina, and lots of other things. (Nothing increases flaccid hang like an active sex life, for example. Use it and it stays healthy. Don't use it, and it dries up.)

Whatever you do, take some action to change your life. Congrats on losing weight. Keep that up and take control of your life, man. Better sex is in your future if you do.
 

Call_Me_Daddy

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If I divorce, my stress level of nagging about my weight would drop. Nagging in general would go down.

My sex life would definitely improve and my personal level of happiness would probably improve as well.


Both are assumptions and may not turn out to be true.


Have you tried talking to your wife and if she's is not interested in sex would she let you have a friend on the side?
 

Dell1962

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All good points everyone. No, my wife's lack of desire is not related to my physical size. She was quite happy to ride me like a pony back in the day. It is due to a lack of hormones which she will not consider replacing artificially. As for the friend on the side. Nope, not an option.

The more the old friend and I talk, the more I see that what she said was drug induced and needed to be treated like anyone would another person under the influence.

She is still hung up on two men in her immediate past life. What she would want me for is someone to be that father figure and protector. Niether of which I want to be at this moment. She has about a year of further surgery and rehab to do before she is whole again so the issue is moot at this time. Over the past few weeks, as I learn more and more, I find that a long term relationship is not in her future. She is more the play to play kind of person.


Back to wife before I close and the people who have suggested talking to her. We have spent almost 14 years talking about this one issue. We are both tired of it. If we had really wanted a divorce it would have happened by now.

I really do appreciate all of the feedback. That is what I like about this site, you can ask a question and get honest input.

Thanks again.
 

coachreffn

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Dell, a great deal has been shared about the issues with your wife and how to go about that. Some of it is really good and well-intentioned. I am going to address the issue with your friend. Here was have a person who is seriously in trouble - disabled, on pain medications, reeling from bad marriages and still attracted to the men. This is a woman to be pitied but it is definitely not a woman with whom I would want you to have any romantic or sexual relationship. She just seems to be bad news all round for you. I know she is an emotional outlet. Avoid. (My two cents)
 

Lancered

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I am really pleased to see that you are working this out; especially in the last two things you mentioned: that the lady is not for you, and the second is that you and your wife have been talking for the past several years and if you were going to divorce over it you would have done so already. There must have been something keeping the tow of you together even through the formidable difficulties of no sex.

Another thought: you have been really strong these years holding on to the relationship, many of us less strong would have sought relief elsewhere!

All the best.