Juvenile Relationship Drama, Need Opinions

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little under 3 years now. Throughout this entire relationship she has never once saw my point of view, let me win an argument, etc. For a long time I figured thats just how it was supposed to be from the jokes I've heard comedians tell. A lot of times the debates or arguments were small enough that I didn't really care if she saw my point of view or not, so I did the male thing and let her think that she won. Also I realize now that this was not a good way to build a healthy relationship, but lets not debate that. The point of my question is merely to see if I have a legitimate point, or if I'm going overboard.

About a month ago we were having some problems and ultimately decided to take a step backward. We didn't break up, we just decided to maybe hang out a little less. We agreed that we were still together and not seeing other people or anything.

So she hangs out with this guy friend, who she knew from years back in high school but they never really hung out till last month. After a few nights hanging out, and also having heard of our situation from my gf...this guy puts some moves on her and kissed her one night. She of course backed off and told him that she wasn't interested, but he tried again. She told me right away, not keeping it secret or anything and of course at the time I was upset that this guy tried to take advantage of my GF at a time when our relationship was on the rocks.

So now its my GFs birthday, were back together and things are fine. She wants to invite some people to a party, including this guy Albert whom she forgave for his actions a month before. She tells me that she is inviting him and I get very mad, because its been less than a month and I haven't completely gotten over this. Well I had, but she expects me to sit in the same room with this puny kid who I've never met and figured would never have to meet the BF of the girl he tried to take advantage of.

So I asked, I didn't demand or anything...I asked her "Could you please not invite Albert (Afore mentioned puny punk), you know I have a problem with him..could you just understand how I feel and invite anyone you want except him.

Anytime I make any sort of request she counters with "You never understand my feelings". I know you guys don't know her, but she is a very self-centered individual who is incapable of realizing that she lacks the ability to understand other people's feelings. She is Chinese, her family consisting for a mother, father and brother are basically loners. They all yell at each other and I don't think ever show love to each other, its very sad actually. But she was raised in that kind of way and that made it where she only thinks about herself.

When I ASKED her, I realize that she does have the right to invite this guy regardless of how I feel. Which I why I am asking her with a legitimate reason to please not invite him. However, she interprets what I say as a demand and becomes defensive. Saying that I don't care how she feels, its her birthday and she'll do what she wants to, do what she wants to.

As I saw it she basically had these 3 options to choose from...

A) Disregard my feelings and invite the friend anyway
B) Understand my point of view (For a rare change), and realize that she'd like to have her friend there but he would cause issues with her boyfriend that she loves

or...

C) Uninvite the friend while at the same time disregarding my feelings completely and hanging over my head the fact I DEMANDED that uninvite this guy.

She of course went with C, which ultimately annoys me more. The friend issue is insignificant to the fact that she continues to lack the ability to understand another person's point of view. I would almost prefer she choose A over C, choosing friendship rather than blackmailing me with this situation.

I know you guys are thinking this argument is pety and stupid, and a few months from now I'm certain I'll look back on it and realize it was. But right now its really upsetting and annoying me at the same time. I do love this girl, otherwise I wouldn't put up with nonsense like this. Any opinions on my juvenile problems?

 

[OmahaBeef]

Let me make this abundantly clear young friend:

She is being downright disrespectful to you and your relationship for...

1) Kissing the guy, but miraculously feeling violated enough that she thought she should tell you...and then all of a sudden, despite said violation by this guy, she is very quick to forgive. This story of hers reeks of bullshit. Let me put this in CSI Ballistics for you: A boob grab or ass-slap can come unannounced. Two people kiss because they are face to face and naturally occurs when two people have faced each other for a few moments. Hmmmm. Maybe it's just the cynic in me, but it sounds to me like she was covering tracks before Albert(?) spread the word. Check this out too: most guys won't go for a woman who is taken, but they WILL go for a woman who claims she is not. Food for thought...

2) She is disrespecting you for inviting this assclown to her party despite her allegedly being violated. She lacks empathy for the man (you) that she supposedly loves, which is indicative of being a selfish...woman. This is a huge red-flag in a relationship on the long term.

3)Her giving you a guilt trip over...what most people would consider...legitimate reasons, is unacceptable and extremely selfish. She sounds like the type of girl who would constantly rationalize her own stupid behaviors and ways of thinking in order to absolve herself of any sense of guilt or remorse.

My advice:

A) She claims she has the right to invite who she pleases, and she does. You also reserve the right to not attend her gathering and also to not spending money on gifts that she probably wouldn't be thankful for anyway. Instead, express your gratitude for her behavior by turning your phone off and partying it up with your friends that evening. Maybe even entertain one of YOUR "female friends" for the evening, and then if... OH!...she tries kissing you, then you should let her know that you were violated. Personally, for me at least, attending that party would be a slap in the face at this point.

B) Don't feel guilty for the above...ever. Her disrespect for you must be attoned for by her alone.

C) Your a man...assert your authority in a gentlemanly way. Remind her that you are a man, you won't be pushed around or disrespected, and the door is over there. Perhaps remind her that if you two do not see eye-to-eye then she will be fired and replaced in turn.


...OB

 

[stetree]

I would ask her if she knew she was being entirely self centred and out right nasty. If she carries on like this U should lay your cards on the table then dump her so fast her head spins THAT should sort out how she feels about u one way or the other.

 

[naughty]

Orbitz,

YOu sound like an intelligent young man, Why are you still with someone this disrespectful?

 

[Peter Pud]

Hey guy if this is the way the relationship has been going without her ever seeing your point of view in almost three years you need to figure out if this is the way you want to live? If you are ok with it wich I do not think you are. Then let her be and live with it. But If you can't accept this is the way she is get rid of her she won't change. Many marriages fail because one thinks they can change the other after the wedding. Get real it don't happen she is the way she will be so you need to decide if you want to live that way. If not dump her.

 

[Gisella]

Orbitz...it sucks...

But by let her 'win' all the time you let her walk over you...

You have to take some responsability for this situation going on for 3years, as 'loving' her so much as keep puting with her behaviour...was a disservice for both of you because the best relationships are the ones that makes us facing stuff and some growing pains in the process too...we are friends and its natural to talk from our minds, opinions, feelings etc.

Orbitz..you may love one another..but it seems you 2 have not being good friends of each other...

Love yourself first and than the others.

I for sure wish you the best and that you stand and voice what you know inside. Dont be ever afraid to loose the love of someone you have/choose to say yes dear and please all the time and you still being treated with no respect.

 

[Skull Mason]

Omaha is right.

This girl is walking all over you. If you aren't going to leave her (because it will just get worse with time) then go to war with her. Go find another girl and give it right back to her. You have to put her in her place, and if she leaves you because of it, then so be it. She is in charge of your relationship. Your not being a man by letting her think she wins all the arguments etc, your being a straight up submissive bitch and letting her control the balance in the relationship. A woman needs to be put in place from the beginning (sorry ladies :biggrin1: ) or at least let it be known how things are going to transpire between you two in the future from day one.

Its like letting a little kid whine and beg and act like a bitch and getting his way all the time, what does he learn? That acting like a little child he will always get his way. You need to enforce it upon him that that is not what will happen and the child will in fact be punished. Your girlfriend needs to "raised" like a child needs to be "raised". Make a stand.

Don't be dramatic, don't be a jealous boyfriend. She will label you all the above. Do with your actions not your words. Diss her party and go find a woman and say you just watched a movie with her because you didn't want to end up punching out the puny punk guy. Even if you don't find a woman say you did (although it would be better for your mind and spirit if you did find one that you can hang out with). Plant the seed in her mind that you might be out of the realtionship because she isn't the only other one with options. She probably thinks she has you wrapped around her finger and shes right. Unwrap yourself. Be a man.

She's also using this dude against you to gain more control in the relationship. She knew it would piss you off and knew you would have a problem with it and knew she could blackmail you with it. Tell her you don't give a shit if he comes. Then just don't show up. She also cheated on you with this guy. That kiss story is bullshit. While I was reading your post as soon as you described the situation you guys decided upon about not hanging out as much I knew the next thing you were gonna say was that she spent some time with a boy blah blah. Its a girls (immature ones) way of jabbing you in the gut for trying to make a power move in the relationship. No offense but this relationship sucks and one day when you move on to a real, healthy relationship you will realize just how good it can be and how much you missed. I bet she doesn't even do any cock worship!

Eye for an Eye brother.

 

[Matthew]

Orbitz, sounds like there are problems between you and your GF beyond this incident. The communication problems you describe, her general inability to see your point of view and especially this weird thing with the other guy speak to bigger problems. 3 years is a long time - what has kept you two together? Are you truly happy in the relationship?

Not to pull the age bullshit, but 21 is a great age to date various people, and especially a great age NOT to get caught up in an unhealthy relationship with someone who is disrespecting you. But you know best - maybe there are good things about being with her that you didn't discuss and her actions in this case are unusual.

In any case, the advice you got to set some limits with her and assert yourself are right on the money. But word to the wise - forget the "be a man not a bitch" stuff that some said. It's just the flipside of the same bad coin that led you to believe that you as a man should "let her win" all the time. Bedroom games aside, male supremacy has and continues to fuck up our world and is without exception based in insecurity. That attitude will only lead to more problems for you. You don't need to be a caveman to expect your lover to treat you with respect and fairness as you treat her. Good luck!

 

[Meniswallow]

orbits...dumb that disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, blaming ass of a gf. i'm sorry but i dont put up with that shit at all...though she could change...i dunno what or how...but maybe....but if this continues....this doesn't look like a relationship that will stay together forever, u'll eventually end up gettin tired of her old ways and end up breakin up anyway...so talk about it...see if she's willing to change....if not, end it now and lemme make u feel better with a hot welcuming bj! i'm tellin you....if she doesn't change....this isn't gonna last and u kno it.

 

[BigDoug]

Dude:

She is deliberately screwing with your head. Look for the exit door on this relationship, and run, do not walk, out the door.

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

A lot of great advice here, we actually did break up today. It wasn't dramatic, I calmly explained that I felt bogged down by the relationship. She also knows I'm bi and I explained to her I am thinking of going out with a guy if the situation arises just to explore my other side. She wasn't really upset.

One of you in your post mentions that we probably have deeper issues and obviously thats true. I think her and I lacked a good friendship. Our relationship consisted of going out on dates and sex...when we were just hanging out together in the same room it would be like the other wasn't there. She'd be watching TV or something, I might be on the computer. That's both of our faults though. Anyway I'm not really sad either. I still care for her, but I think theres potential for us to be friends still. I do think we'd make better friends just hanging out than dating each other.

Someone asked what it was keeping us together for so long, I think it was just because we had been together so long that thats what kept us together...not the greatest reason. Rather than let it drag on for even more years we both realized it would be better to just end it. Thanks for all the great advice here, it was a real confidence booster.

 

[Skull Mason]

Good work Orbitz!!!!!

There are tons and tons of beautiful women (and men?) in NYC go out and enjoy them. Dont fall back into her trap! You did a good thing keep it up!

 

[OmahaBeef]

Right on Orbitz!

...OB

 

[Meniswallow]

A lot of great advice here, we actually did break up today. It wasn't dramatic, I calmly explained that I felt bogged down by the relationship. She also knows I'm bi and I explained to her I am thinking of going out with a guy if the situation arises just to explore my other side. She wasn't really upset.

One of you in your post mentions that we probably have deeper issues and obviously thats true. I think her and I lacked a good friendship. Our relationship consisted of going out on dates and sex...when we were just hanging out together in the same room it would be like the other wasn't there. She'd be watching TV or something, I might be on the computer. That's both of our faults though. Anyway I'm not really sad either. I still care for her, but I think theres potential for us to be friends still. I do think we'd make better friends just hanging out than dating each other.

Someone asked what it was keeping us together for so long, I think it was just because we had been together so long that thats what kept us together...not the greatest reason. Rather than let it drag on for even more years we both realized it would be better to just end it. Thanks for all the great advice here, it was a real confidence booster.

sounds good! now about that bj! :biggrin1:

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

I'm glad you broke up with her! I must say... not making excuses for HER, but she probably treated you that way because she never felt like her opinions were validated while growing up. From the little you said about her family, that seems to ring true with me... Just know that you are worth more than that! And take it as a learning experience... I bet you'll never let anyone walk all over you again! (At least, I hope not!)