Kafka Romance Dissolver

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Bonky, Aug 3, 2009.

  1. B_Bonky

    B_Bonky New Member

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    Here's an excerpt from one of Judith Martin's books on how to dump someone. Do you agree? Discuss.

    Dear Miss Manners:

    I am interested in knowing what is the proper method of breaking off a relationship. For the past several months, I have been exclusively dating a young lady whom I was extremely fond of. Everything seemed to be going great until about two months ago, when she suddenly seemed to lose interest in me. Every time I wanted to see her, she was busy, etc., until finally I just stopped calling her. I have not heard from her since. What do you think of breaking off a relationship in this manner, and how should it be handled?

    Gentle Reader:

    What you describe is your basic Kafka Romance Dissolver, and you handled it exactly correctly. Do not be offended if Miss Manners approves of the young lady's behavior as well.

    Naturally, you were hurt and bewildered when your invitations were repeatedly rejected without explanation. Miss Manners would like to point out to you, however, that there is no possible way for one person to end a romance that the other person thought was going great without causing pain and bewilderment. The chief difference between the Kafka method and those more socially approved ones that come with explanations is that the latter engender humiliation, as well as pain and bewilderment. What, after all, can the explanation be?

    "Sure I like you, but I met someone I'm really crazy about."
    "I know you can't help it, but there are a lot of things about you that were beginning to get on my nerves."
    "It was fun for a while, but lately I've found myself getting bored and restless."

    And so on. Rarely, these days, does anyone break off an exciting, stimulating, fulfilling romance to lead a life of service or to save the family through an expedient alliance. Therefore, all explanations can be reduced to the fact that the other person would rather do something else--sometimes anything else--than continue the romance. Attempts to obfuscate, such as "I love you, but I need room to grow," don't fool anyone.

    The patronizing sweeteners customarily added to these explanations are particularly galling. It is easier to bear being denounced as a villain by someone you still love than to be told that you are a "nice person but."

    Perhaps you will object that the method without explanation took some time, because its comparative subtlety confused you about what was actually happening. Granted. Nevertheless, Miss Manners maintains that the period of suffering was, in the end, shorter. The early part, say the first two rejections, was annoyance, rather than devastation, because you did not yet believe it. Then you began to suspect and pay attention; you guessed; you tested the hypothesis by ending your calls; and then you had your proof. Indeed, that period must have hurt.

    Consider what that time would have been like had you been spending it discussing the situation with the young lady. As the explanation method spuriously suggests reasons for the whims of the heart, the reaction of the rejected person is always to offer counterarguments. It would have taken just as long, and as the young lady would be forced to escalate her objections to overcome your arguments, the pain would have been more intense.

    The true reward comes now. In your memory, you may set this young lady forever as a fool who didn't know how to appreciate you. You needn't carry around the certain knowledge of how little she appreciated you, nor the memory of your having made a fool of yourself trying to argue the matter with her.

    FROM Miss Manners' guide to ... - Google Books
     
  2. turnstall

    turnstall New Member

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    bullshit ...just say its not working out so dude or gal is not waiting around.
     
  3. nolbaby

    Verified Gold Member

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    2nd the bull shit. ignoring somebody is adding insult to injury. its bad enough that you are dumping them because of something which you probably knew was going to happen in the first place, but still let them get attached anyway. but to completely ignore them and leave them to suffer alone is 2x as bad. often times in a relationship, the other person in the relationship becomes your closest friend. getting dumped by somebody you really like is very painful. when something very painful happens, you need your best friend. so having the best friend AND the significant other disappear at the same time is just awful for a person to go through. how is a person supposed to get over the relationship if they can't even ask why it is ending? and how are they to prevent it from happening again?
    i think the people who dump people by totally cutting them off all of a sudden are actually just huge cowards. if you get fired from a job, they tell you why you are being fired, right? its the mature, professional thing to do.
    if you are arrested, they explain to you the reason for your arrest.
    in any other adult scenario in our lives, people give each other explanations for rejection when it occurs. in relationships, the people doing the dumping don't have any laws MAKING them do the right thing and explain their actions, so they avoid an awkward moment by ignoring the other person completely, even though the other person has a right to know why they are being dumped. the people doing the dumping are too immature and too cowardly to look a person in the eye and tell them the truth.
     
  4. B_Bonky

    B_Bonky New Member

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    good counter-argument.
     
  5. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    we agree with Ms. Manners
     
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