I just found out that my mother in law has cancer. I found out from my partners best friend. I acted like I knew ever though I was in shock. My question is , should I say that I know. I am offended that he would not tell me first.
Keeping Secrets
- Thread starter MovingForward
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The fact that you are asking the members of LPSG and not your partner leads me to believe that communication between the two of you may not be at the top of its game.
I would be careful to not be the victim here. Show concern to your partner and ask if there is anything you can do to be supportive to him or his mother. Maybe he will volunteer the reason he hasn’t told you. For now though, I would drop feeling feeling offended and feel concerned instead. I wish her good luck in her journey.
I would be careful to not be the victim here. Show concern to your partner and ask if there is anything you can do to be supportive to him or his mother. Maybe he will volunteer the reason he hasn’t told you. For now though, I would drop feeling feeling offended and feel concerned instead. I wish her good luck in her journey.
Somebody has cancer & you're butt hurt because you weren't told first?
Gimme a freaking break
Gimme a freaking break
Your partner is allowed to go to their friend before going to you. This person is trying to cope with something pretty heavy. This isn't about YOU.
Expecting your partner to deal with these circumstances in a way that makes YOU feel better about it is about as greedy as it gets.
Expecting your partner to deal with these circumstances in a way that makes YOU feel better about it is about as greedy as it gets.
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AlteredEgo
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I would not have pretended to know when the bestie told me. I would have assured the friend that I wouldnt disclose the slip. To know what else I would do, I would have to know more about your life.
For example. I despise my mother in-law. She has R.A. I wish it would either kill her faster or hurt more. I would not be surprised if her son decided not to tell me about her health.
So, is there contention? Is your MIL very private; would she have asked for it to be withheld? Have you had recent discussions with your partner about your ability to provide support? Your trustworthiness? Have you been accused of narcissism?
One thing you must not do is make it about you. Yeah. The two things of which I am certain are, don't rat out the bestie, and do not make this about yourself.
For example. I despise my mother in-law. She has R.A. I wish it would either kill her faster or hurt more. I would not be surprised if her son decided not to tell me about her health.
So, is there contention? Is your MIL very private; would she have asked for it to be withheld? Have you had recent discussions with your partner about your ability to provide support? Your trustworthiness? Have you been accused of narcissism?
One thing you must not do is make it about you. Yeah. The two things of which I am certain are, don't rat out the bestie, and do not make this about yourself.
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OP: Right now is time for YOU to be fully 100% supportive of your partner. There is most likely a reason why he chose not to share such news with you at this time. Perhaps he believes you would not react well to hearing such news. Maybe he wants to not stress you out. As @AlteredEgo said, we don't have enough information to know why he's dealing with the news the way he is.
Maybe he just felt more comfortable talking with his bestie about this issue right now than with you or anyone else. Because each of us handles and processes our grief differently. And that's okay. You should be glad to know he's not suffering this situation by himself.
But you won't know that until you have a conversation about this situation. It's not the right time yet to do so. Surely you understand he has enough stress right now just processing and dealing with this life-threatening medical diagnosis facing his Mother?
I do know that now is not the time to worry about how YOU feel. Period. This is NOT about you right now. It's all about your partner; and how he chooses to deal with his grief. That's where your focus should be--on your partner. And doing what you can to support him in such a dire time. Make sure he knows that!
Maybe he just felt more comfortable talking with his bestie about this issue right now than with you or anyone else. Because each of us handles and processes our grief differently. And that's okay. You should be glad to know he's not suffering this situation by himself.
But you won't know that until you have a conversation about this situation. It's not the right time yet to do so. Surely you understand he has enough stress right now just processing and dealing with this life-threatening medical diagnosis facing his Mother?
I do know that now is not the time to worry about how YOU feel. Period. This is NOT about you right now. It's all about your partner; and how he chooses to deal with his grief. That's where your focus should be--on your partner. And doing what you can to support him in such a dire time. Make sure he knows that!
marriedasian
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My mom has a variety of serious illnesses going on. Some are physical, and some are mental. I see her on a regular basis and do some emotional triage in the time I spend with her, in addition to other things. During our time together, we have very personal and serious discussions, some of which revolve around quality of life and the right to die in dignity.
I don't tell my partner everything. Why? Because those talks with my mom were privileged. She trusts me that she can say anything and it will go no further than our safe space. But, sometimes I do share aspects with a long time friend who also shares with my mom. We have a confidence that outdates our husbands and partners.
When I don't share discussions with my partner, I'm not excluding him. I think this is the sore point for you: you feel like you've been left out of the picture.
I would talk to your partner, and be there for him. Put your feelings to the side for now, and focus on him. He just found out his mom has cancer, and there is a lot on his plate. Open that door of communication, and let him know he can trust you to have those sorts of talks. Perhaps when he starts to share what is going on, the conversation will naturally lead to why he first confided to his friend. But, maybe it won't. That is something you will have to find out for yourself, and an answer you won't find here.
I don't tell my partner everything. Why? Because those talks with my mom were privileged. She trusts me that she can say anything and it will go no further than our safe space. But, sometimes I do share aspects with a long time friend who also shares with my mom. We have a confidence that outdates our husbands and partners.
When I don't share discussions with my partner, I'm not excluding him. I think this is the sore point for you: you feel like you've been left out of the picture.
I would talk to your partner, and be there for him. Put your feelings to the side for now, and focus on him. He just found out his mom has cancer, and there is a lot on his plate. Open that door of communication, and let him know he can trust you to have those sorts of talks. Perhaps when he starts to share what is going on, the conversation will naturally lead to why he first confided to his friend. But, maybe it won't. That is something you will have to find out for yourself, and an answer you won't find here.
