Kind of cheated, not sure

[Nate1978]

My boyfriend and I had a threesome earlier in the week with a guy we found on the internet. We didn't set any ground rules but it was all great. Anyway afterwards my boyfriend passed out on the couch with the guy and I went to bed. About an hour, maybe 2 later the guy comes through and jumps into bed saying he's cold. Not long after he was rubbing up against me and we ended up fucking for a while.

I didn't mention it to my boyfriend. I thought about how I would feel if the roles were switched and they had fucked on the sofa while I was asleep (maybe the did, I don't know, I haven't asked) and I woudn't care. I think most of my guilt comes from the fact the sex the stranger and I had was, dare I say it, better than I normally get.

I wasn't going to say anything but by boyfriend has mentioned having a threesome with the same guy again so I thought of telling him just in case the other guy brings it up which could make for a very awkward situation. Also, I'm not sure it's a good idea we do it again, at least not with the same guy.

 

[D_Harry Bacque]

The concept of cheating can be somewhat subjective, especially in your situation. I would personally say it's not. To me, it seems like that whole evening was dedicated to having fun with another person. I would mention it to your boyfriend however. Not talking about it makes it seem like you're hiding it and that you did something wrong.

 

[Nate1978]

Yeah it didn't enter my head at the time because that night was, in my thinking, a night for having sex with a third party especially since we had set no ground rules. Plus, there was a little alcohol consumed.

 

[D_Harry Bacque]

Most of the people who invite 3rd parties into their relationships for nights of random fun are emotionally mature and stable (I did say most, not all!). I don't think you should have any issues here, so long as you tell him about it. I think the more time you let pass the less likely you should tell him. Or if some time has already passed and it's in the stage where it might be awkward to just bring up, wait until your boyfriend is drinking a little and horny. Your telling him will likely just turn him on.

 

[chefgreg]

It kinda sounds like your playing with fire. My first threesome was with a gf and some random stripper. we set no bounderies so I thought everything was all good. After we had been fucking around for like an hour I started to fuck the strange up the ass and my gf went fuckin nutz and got up and left. I kept fucking, but the girl felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop. If you are having a threesome with someone you genuinly care about or love I think it is a good idea to set bounderies so no one gets hurt.

 

[492801]

As long as you tell him you should be in the clear

 

[joe bltsflk]

You could always fall back on the popular "I was drunk" excuse.

 

[petite]

I'm going to paraphrase something I read here on LPSG once that summed it up perfectly, "If you feel like you have to hide it, then it's cheating."

 

[flame boy]

Basically what most other users have said - a majority of people tend to get hurt because of the secrets and lies involved with cheating. If you come clean about what you did then you should be fine, it would likely hurt your BF much more to find out later on down the line. I think with 3-somes ground rules are important so situations like this don't occur.

 

[haulthat]

Perfect quote. He fucked him too, the fucking was going on, he just missed out on some of it. If he has a problem with it, that is his right. At the same time when you don't lay down ground rules thats what happens. Threesomes in a not clearly open relationship need to have ground rules. Hell, for some couples those ground rules need to be reviewed by legal counsel and notarized after the signature of both parties. Tell him, discuss it, and figure things out. That way if and when the mans cock is once again in your ass you can ride it without guilt creeping into your head.

I'm going to paraphrase something I read here on LPSG once that summed it up perfectly, "If you feel like you have to hide it, then it's cheating."

 

[captainwhackit]

I don't think this was cheating.
You both invited him into your relationship for that one night on the understanding that it was for sex. Unless he's specifically stated previously that it has to occur when you're all in the same bed I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Also, are you sure it wasn't just "different" rather than "better"?
In a relationship sex takes on a new meaning. With strangers there's a need to impress, a lack of comfort. It's more primal.
Between partners you have a comfort level, and you know what to do.

Dare I say it, people become comfortable. Sex can becomes routine and a little boring sometimes. But you still have something between you that makes it important.

But, I also have to say that this is why I don't have long-term relationships beyond friendship.
I might do one day, but I prefer having the freedom to experience that kind of sex where it's all about pleasure and less about expectation and routine.

Sure, some people might find a partner who is so on their level in exploration and sexual play. They have great sex lives that never become boring. But it's very rare IMO.

I would say you need to go by your own gut feeling on this. If it makes you uncomfortable to bring him back in, don't.

No one can really tell you if your partner should or will feel betrayed. That's between you guys. But I would say that if you don't want to experience this feeling of guilt again, you need to set yourself some ground rules and then stick to them. Or clear it up with your man first.

 

[faby]

TELL HIM!!!!!!! allow him to get mad and scream (if he needs to) and get over it...but if eventualy he finds out the feelings or hurt and betrayal are gonna be much worse...who's to say this random guy isn't gonna find ur bf online and tell him? the truth is always better out of the horses mouth!!!!

 

[Bbucko]

Because you set no advance ground rules before inviting someone over for sex, you set yourselves up for exactly this kind of ambiguity to creep in.

It's best, IMO, that you tell him what happened the last time and decide mutually about a code of conduct in case something like this happens again. If the experience rattled you enough to post a thread about it, then obviously there's some doubt as to whether or not you crossed a line.

The only possible answer to that is no, you didn't, because no lines were drawn, so there was nothing to cross. Before you guys engage in any more "outside" sex, I'd seriously suggest that you figure things out.

BTW: don't feel so terrible about having great sex with a perfect stranger: most of my best sex has been with people I didn't know well, if at all.

 

[Nate1978]

Yeah I told him this morning and he wasn't bothered by it. When I then mentioned something about setting ground rules he said we shouldn't need to. I told him how I felt a little bit guilty about what happened but he said he was happy enough for anything to go whenever we have a threesome, except for the obvious like always wear a condom and such. We both agreed we were comfortable with that so after the chat we texted the other guy to let him know he was welcome to come round this weekend or during the week for another session.

 

[petite]

Yeah I told him this morning and he wasn't bothered by it. When I then mentioned something about setting ground rules he said we shouldn't need to. I told him how I felt a little bit guilty about what happened but he said he was happy enough for anything to go whenever we have a threesome, except for the obvious like always wear a condom and such. We both agreed we were comfortable with that so after the chat we texted the other guy to let him know he was welcome to come round this weekend or during the week for another session.

I'm glad that you were honest and that now you know how your partner feels about those kinds of things and that everything worked out. :smile:

 

[yhtang]

Yeah I told him this morning and he wasn't bothered by it. When I then mentioned something about setting ground rules he said we shouldn't need to. I told him how I felt a little bit guilty about what happened but he said he was happy enough for anything to go whenever we have a threesome,

You are one lucky man to have such a wonderful partner!

 

[blooeyz]

most relationships can't survive once the threesome thing starts.

btw, I don't think you were cheating

 

[Stephenmass]

I was going to answer this in almost the exact way that captainwhackit did. Only difference it sounds like between him and I is I enjoy my relationship and its stability.

Long story short, I can't offer anything new to my partner. I personally think captain hit the nail right on the head because new is exciting and primal as he said. It may have not necessarily been better, but it was different.

Perhaps as a sidenote to your question, you and your b/f should add some spice to your lovemaking.

I don't think this was cheating.
You both invited him into your relationship for that one night on the understanding that it was for sex. Unless he's specifically stated previously that it has to occur when you're all in the same bed I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Also, are you sure it wasn't just "different" rather than "better"?
In a relationship sex takes on a new meaning. With strangers there's a need to impress, a lack of comfort. It's more primal.
Between partners you have a comfort level, and you know what to do.

Dare I say it, people become comfortable. Sex can becomes routine and a little boring sometimes. But you still have something between you that makes it important.

But, I also have to say that this is why I don't have long-term relationships beyond friendship.
I might do one day, but I prefer having the freedom to experience that kind of sex where it's all about pleasure and less about expectation and routine.

Sure, some people might find a partner who is so on their level in exploration and sexual play. They have great sex lives that never become boring. But it's very rare IMO.

I would say you need to go by your own gut feeling on this. If it makes you uncomfortable to bring him back in, don't.

No one can really tell you if your partner should or will feel betrayed. That's between you guys. But I would say that if you don't want to experience this feeling of guilt again, you need to set yourself some ground rules and then stick to them. Or clear it up with your man first.

 

[Nate1978]

So my partner and I had a threesome again earlier in the week with the same guy and the same shit went down but with a different outcome. I got out of bed during the night to make a toilet trip and the guy propositioned me for one on one sex again. I was a bit hesitant but decided to go for it. When he had me up against the bathroom wall I asked him how he could still be so horny after a 2/3 hour session and he said he wasn't overly fond of the sex when my boyfriend was involved. I was taken aback a little when he had the nerve to criticise him a little more in depth. I then asked him if this was 1 on 1 thing was going to be a regular thing when he was round and that's when he dropped the bombshell and asked me to start seeing him on my own and basically. It was one thing to criticise my boyf, another to ask to start an affair so I stopped and asked him to get his things and leave. After he did I got back into bed and gave my boyf a really good fucking.

I told him in the morning what happened and he thanked me for being honest. I think we're gonna wait a while before we have another threesome.

 

[NSX57]

In this situation I would say it is very subjective but what I always say is, when in doubt just tell. There is nothing worse than holding a secret that is just killing you inside.