Kissing

[1362255]

Hi. It's taken me all day to sit down and write this, primarily because I'm a little embarrassed, admittedly. That said, I just ask that anyone who comments to please be kind and not respond with anything rude. Thank you.

I'm not confident that I would be a good kisser. Perhaps I overthink it, but maybe I should be thinking more about it. I found a forum on another website wherein women were laughing at the idea of a man not being experienced with other women, prior to approaching them. I think it's a sensitive issue and more men than just myself are inexperienced in their 20s; either because they're not ready or just haven't found anyone they've taken interested in. Some are religious and wait until marriage, but for me? Aside from not really knowing how I felt about anyone in high school, I was more or less concerned with keeping myself alive. My thoughts were too focused on suicide and keeping myself living to the point that, well, how could I possibly expect to care for someone else when I very well couldn't care for myself?

Anyway, I've no doubt sex is an awkward, stressful situation the first time -- it's probably worse when you're in your 20s and everyone makes a big deal about how you should've done in 10 or so years ago. It's a peculiar mentality to have, but whatever. I didn't judge people in school for having sex -- I wish I could've -- but part of me has always figured waiting would be better; mentally, emotionally and hopefully in terms of relationship status. I've read a lot about the female anatomy and specifics on what...you know, gets a woman off. That's at least one good thing about me, compared to the boneheads that hop into bed and expect any woman to be satisfied by random thrusting.

The one thing that truly worries me is kissing. I know guys are supposed to go in 90% and the woman is supposed to go 10%, or whatever percentage nonsense all the guy videos explain, but sometimes it's not really just a slow, perfect setup. How are you supposed to anticipate where your partner's lips will be, or how much tongue they use? I've freeze-framed virtually every romantic comedy I could find and I've tried researching this crap online. I just feel so, so stupid. I don't ask any women out because 1. How do you not disappoint anyone these days? and 2. I just want to make sure there's something.. I don't know.. memorable about that first kiss?

Again, this is all very embarrassing. I'm sure the worries of sex and kissing are somehow different for women, but all the advice I'd gotten from men seemed smug and.. not "toxic" per se, but the stereotypical masculine act was definitely taking away from the real, man-to-man discussion about women; so I figured I ought to ask women what they'd expect and how they'd want to be kissed and how to actually be positively effective at it.

I realize this post is all over the place and likely not well written -- chalk it up to feeling indescribably embarrassed and utterly perplexed.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Everyone is a good kisser, and everyone is a bad kisser.

The way you enjoy kissing isn't going to be the same way everyone else does, but you'll have to just do what feels natural and hope that it feels good for them too. I promise, some people will love the way you kiss.

Try to pay attention to physical communications, and send your own messages. When you have physical experiences with another person there are subtle ways to communicate without speaking. Don't solely focus on those, but don't ignore them either. Focus on what feels good, and how she's responding.

 

[1850231]

Hi. It's taken me all day to sit down and write this, primarily because I'm a little embarrassed, admittedly. That said, I just ask that anyone who comments to please be kind and not respond with anything rude. Thank you.

I'm not confident that I would be a good kisser. Perhaps I overthink it, but maybe I should be thinking more about it. I found a forum on another website wherein women were laughing at the idea of a man not being experienced with other women, prior to approaching them. I think it's a sensitive issue and more men than just myself are inexperienced in their 20s; either because they're not ready or just haven't found anyone they've taken interested in. Some are religious and wait until marriage, but for me? Aside from not really knowing how I felt about anyone in high school, I was more or less concerned with keeping myself alive. My thoughts were too focused on suicide and keeping myself living to the point that, well, how could I possibly expect to care for someone else when I very well couldn't care for myself?

Anyway, I've no doubt sex is an awkward, stressful situation the first time -- it's probably worse when you're in your 20s and everyone makes a big deal about how you should've done in 10 or so years ago. It's a peculiar mentality to have, but whatever. I didn't judge people in school for having sex -- I wish I could've -- but part of me has always figured waiting would be better; mentally, emotionally and hopefully in terms of relationship status. I've read a lot about the female anatomy and specifics on what...you know, gets a woman off. That's at least one good thing about me, compared to the boneheads that hop into bed and expect any woman to be satisfied by random thrusting.

The one thing that truly worries me is kissing. I know guys are supposed to go in 90% and the woman is supposed to go 10%, or whatever percentage nonsense all the guy videos explain, but sometimes it's not really just a slow, perfect setup. How are you supposed to anticipate where your partner's lips will be, or how much tongue they use? I've freeze-framed virtually every romantic comedy I could find and I've tried researching this crap online. I just feel so, so stupid. I don't ask any women out because 1. How do you not disappoint anyone these days? and 2. I just want to make sure there's something.. I don't know.. memorable about that first kiss?

Again, this is all very embarrassing. I'm sure the worries of sex and kissing are somehow different for women, but all the advice I'd gotten from men seemed smug and.. not "toxic" per se, but the stereotypical masculine act was definitely taking away from the real, man-to-man discussion about women; so I figured I ought to ask women what they'd expect and how they'd want to be kissed and how to actually be positively effective at it.

I realize this post is all over the place and likely not well written -- chalk it up to feeling indescribably embarrassed and utterly perplexed.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

This is such a sweet post. Here’s the thing: when you’re attracted to someone, the actual first move can be damn awkward and pretty nerve wrecking for most of us - that’s what makes it so great... No one is a great kisser until they are. One thing a guy I used to date (full-on nerd, and utterly adorable) did that warmed me up, really fast, was he started by stroking the inside of my palm with his finger in a slow, causal rhythm that made our first kiss feel natural and, well, obvious. It’s easier to start with light kisses on the lips, over and over again, pressing your body into theirs, just becoming acquainted with the warmth, smell and taste of them, and try to relax into that experience. Once you’ve made bodily contact, it will get easier. Less technique - although the comment above about swallowing before you go in, is a good one, just tune into how he/she is responding to you and laugh at the awkwardness of it all, because it is both ridiculous and wildly exciting. And, well, fun.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Oh, and uh... I've had so much sex with my guy. We've kissed lots, especially back when I was 18. We made out a lot back then. We're in our 30's now.

We *still* have awkward kisses that don't look at all like the bullshit you seen on screen. Real life is real.

 

[AlteredEgo]

First kisses are the best/worst! And every new partner means another first kiss. I have had every first kiss tragedy you can imagine. We missed. We bumped teeth. We slobbered on each other. But I've also had fairytale quality first kisses. In those cases, we were the same kind of kissers, and the magic of the moment swept us both away.

Even now, thinking about a few, my heart has begun beating so hard I can hear it. My dog just awoke, got up and turned around so her head is no longer facing me. I think my pounding heart woke her up. So, of course things progressed with those fairytale kissers, but I didn't instantly dismiss my disaster kissers! Luckily, they didn't immediately give up on me either.

You have got to relax. A relaxed mind is able to pay attention. They key to all human interaction is a twofold thing. First, try offering that which you would like to receive. But at the same time, realize that your partner is probably instinctively doing the same thing. Simple. In this manner you are teaching each other how you would like to be kissed. So, you just do something you imagine will be nice, then shift into doing whatever has been done to you. I've kisses literally scores of guys, and at least a dozen women. But first kisses are STILL hit or miss. Just relax.

 

[693987]

It really is going to depend upon who you are smooching. I've never minded making the first move, for one. I also don't like the sensation of someone else's tongue in my mouth. Semi-open mouth kisses, where I might nibble a lip? Yes. That is my preferred kind of smooching.

I know a lot of people who love french kissing. I happened to end up with a sweetie who likes to kiss the same way I do. I've done french kissing in the past with partners who liked it, but it has never been my preferred method. Being willing to be flexible is good, by which I mean open minded. Maybe french kissing won't be your thing, maybe you'll love it.

One specific thing I will mention is consider swallowing before french kissing. Drowning in saliva is not pleasant. Slippery? Okay. Feeling like I need to wash my face afterwards? Not so enjoyable. I would think the folks who like -that- wet of kisses would be a minority, anyway.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I have a kissing date scheduled for first thing in the morning. We shall see if this makes me like kissing again.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Great advice, thank you. Personally, I wouldn't mind if someone kissed me and it wasn't very good, I'm pretty understanding. I just don't want to be the one making that mistake because, well, maybe your partner's understanding and maybe they're not -- I don't think one could easily tell at that early stage in a relationship, if it's even a relationship at all hahaha.

Make mistakes. You'll feel better once you do. By the time a first kiss comes around, you honestly have very little invested in the other person. Disappointment is life. If the kiss is awkward, and your partner lacks the experience to know that first kisses are usually not great because nobody knows what anyone wants from a kiss until after they have kissed, and they reject you on the basis of one kiss, run. Date women. Not puerile mean-girls. If the kiss is awkward, stop briefly, and start over. Little tiny pecks, slowly deepening until you each start to organically figure out what will work for you both.

Seriously. Once you are no longer a high school sophomore, this should not be this serious of a concern. You are freaking yourself out for no reason. I promise. Life is disappointing, often. But if you worry too much about being disappointed, you will miss out on being blessed.

 

[LaFemme]

Everyone is a good kisser, and everyone is a bad kisser.

The way you enjoy kissing isn't going to be the same way everyone else does, but you'll have to just do what feels natural and hope that it feels good for them too. I promise, some people will love the way you kiss.

Try to pay attention to physical communications, and send your own messages. When you have physical experiences with another person there are subtle ways to communicate without speaking. Don't solely focus on those, but don't ignore them either. Focus on what feels good, and how she's responding.

I think TnJ nailed it, in my opinion. Everybody is a good kisser and everybody is a bad kisser - depends on who likes what.

I love kissing, soft kissing, nibbling, mixed with long, deep sensual kisses - but I hate smacking sounds, excessive wetness. Others might like tearing at each other’s mouths. And remember, movie kissing is for the cameras, not for the participants. You won’t learn much from movies or TV except you should probably take off your glasses and lipstick makes an awful mess and can taste terrible. Don’t underrate fresh breath! Never lead with your tongue, in my opinion.

The only way to learn to kiss, is just to do it. And you get good at it with your partner. Then the next one will be different. It’s intimate. Fun. Can be ridiculous. Can be bonding.

I kind of miss it.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I’m with a Mr Awesome First Kiss.
So awesome I exited and asked when I could have another.
Two years on, we are still making out like teenagers. And we both hold AARP cards.

Just go with it. And a person you cannot laugh with is someone you should not have sex with.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I doubt there's any time prior to sex to discuss expectations and what your partner needs to feel.. special, for lack of a better word,

There is time for anything you want time for. I just tried to remember if I negotiated anything with my very first sexual partner. We were both virgins. We did a lot of sensual touching for about two months before we kissed. I might rub his leg. He might stroke my ribs. We were pretty innocent, and insecure. I baked him a chocolate pie. My mother let me give him one of her old classic rock albums. I went to the handball court to watch him play every afternoon. I didn't know how to get him to ask me out, and I didn't think I was supposed to ask him. Finally, I think I asked him if I was misreading the situation or if he wanted to be my boyfriend. LOL we agreed we were a pair, and I kissed him. I think that's how it went. I do not remember the kiss. Granted, it was forever ago.

I was very religious, from a very religious family. I preached the gospel at church. I would go to other churches' bible study, so they could convince me to join their church, and end up teaching them. Once, that happened in a McDonald's, and a huge crowd ended up gathering to hear my lecture. Like... THAT religious.

But I was full of raging hormones too. So we negotiated that one of us had to wear underwear. We could take turns getting out of them, but one of us with covered genitals at all times, and NO intercourse. My mother had given me my values. She had given mw my faith, and she had made it clear that I was expected to remain a virgin until marriage. So this was how I intended to do that.

But one day I was just so horny, and he was leaking precum all over the place and I pulled off my panties. So we renegotiated. Once he was sure my consent was real, and I wouldn't be upset later, we worked out that we both wanted it to be loving and special. We would make love to each other, and it would be a thing of beauty. We decided that we could skip condoms the first time, and then buy some for future use.

We decided that "special" meant facing each other, on our sides, so no one felt dominated, and we could keep kissing. Oh my gawd. No. We couldn't make penetration work. So we tried spooning. We were clueless! We ended up starting out with missionary. We were both excited and wet, so once we had Tab A and Slot B lined up, at last, it was easy. It didn't hurt. We held each other and kissed and said nice things to each other. We professed love. When I was tired, I faked several orgasms so he would stop. I was pleased with the experience. At that time, I only knew how to habe clitoral orgasms. No amount of pressing me into the bed was going to get me off, but it did feel incredibly good. I felt safe, respected, cherished and satisfied. And every time we fucked it up we burst out laughing together. It was an ideal first experience.

Notice, when desires changed, we needed to reset the boundaries, so we did. When our plans didn't work out, we regrouped and tried another tack. At no point were we uncomfortable talking to each other about what we wanted to do. And when I suddenly remembered that he'd had a blood transfusion in 1976, which was considered a risk factor for HIV, and I freaked out, we were able to calmly talk through that too.

There is time to discuss anything you want, at any time. And if your partner doesn't want to, or cannot, I would advise against going forward with that partner.

My first sexual experience was with a friend, on his birthday. We were friends for an entire year before we started with the touching. We were dating for two months before we had sex that first time. And after that, we were like rabbits fucking all over the city. Young and stupid, and taking risks. But we talked about a lot of it first. What we wanted to try, fantasies, role play, you name it. We talked a lot after. Sexual mishaps turned into our inside jokes. It was so much fun! I hope it will be like that for you, if something like that is what you want.

 

[693987]

There darn well is time to discuss expectations prior to sex, by the way. If it is important to one or both of you.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

So glad there's a woman that feels that way. I'd asked this to a female on an advice website for adults sometime ago and was laughed at and insulted. I can't remember what was written to me exactly, but it was like, "You a boy or a man? Take control, take charge, no bitch is gonna want you touching her if you're just going to ask questions all night."

Embarrassing as it sounds, I know myself pretty well and I am the type of guy that would ask, "Do you feel alright? You want me to do this, you want me to do that? How was it?" Once I'm comfortable with this person and, assuming we keep in touch and establish a relationship, surely I'd become a tad more playful and silly in bed, but before any of that, I have to find a way to make sure she's aware that I'm sensitive to her needs, not just my own. I can't imagine being on like.. date 3 or 4 and over coffee, discussing whether or not we'll do it and, if we do, what she expects, what kind of positions she's into, and so on and so forth.

I'm overthinking it again, and I'm sorry if I'm driving anyone nuts -- I sound pretty lame -- but this is serious to me.

Are you after a bitch or a complete human being?
I’d not let any of those dudebros anywhere near me.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

AE you sure are right about kisses being really good or really bad. I get nervous kissing anyone the first time. I think I'd be less nervous if he went down on me first. That shows me how good his mouth work is.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I am seeing 2 people right now. They arent one night stands but regular friends with benefits. One doesnt kiss much. He prefers my mouth to be on his balls about 90% of the time we are together. The other is a huge fan of deep passionate kissing. He revs me up kissing me. I'll kiss him as much as he wants.

 

[693987]

Hell yes, laugh during sex and smooching and all of the above

 

[693987]

Consent is sexy. Communicate is sexy.

 

[AlteredEgo]

So glad there's a woman that feels that way. I'd asked this to a female on an advice website for adults sometime ago and was laughed at and insulted. I can't remember what was written to me exactly, but it was like, "You a boy or a man? Take control, take charge, no bitch is gonna want you touching her if you're just going to ask questions all night."

Embarrassing as it sounds, I know myself pretty well and I am the type of guy that would ask, "Do you feel alright? You want me to do this, you want me to do that? How was it?" Once I'm comfortable with this person and, assuming we keep in touch and establish a relationship, surely I'd become a tad more playful and silly in bed, but before any of that, I have to find a way to make sure she's aware that I'm sensitive to her needs, not just my own. I can't imagine being on like.. date 3 or 4 and over coffee, discussing whether or not we'll do it and, if we do, what she expects, what kind of positions she's into, and so on and so forth.

I'm overthinking it again, and I'm sorry if I'm driving anyone nuts -- I sound pretty lame -- but this is serious to me.

My favorite playmate asked for consent for every single way je wanted to touch me. I was very impressed, not only by his consideration, but how he made it so smooth, and not transactional, and without interrupting the organic, spontaneous flow of the encounter.

I don't remember all the questions he asked. But when he wanted to kiss me the first time, he asked, "Do you kiss?" When I answered in the affirmative, he flashed me a bright smile, opened his arms, and said, "Oh, then come here!" I did. A lot of the time, it wasn't exactly questions, but statements about his intentions. From the inflection he used, his face, his body language, I understood he was seeking consent. "Do you squirt? I have been looking forward to eating your pussy all day." From my response, he learned he needed to protect his bed spread. I allowed him to lay me down with my at the very foot of his bed. When he sat on a chair, between my legs, I parted my legs further so there would be no question I absolutely consented. He asked for permission anyway. He gently picked up one of my feet, said some funny thing about my impractical but sexy shoes (I had stripped down to lingerie and stilettos while he was out of the room), and he put my ankle onto his shoulder. He paid lots of compliments to my legs as he touched me, and when he got to my panties, he said something like, "I can't wait. Ready?" I encouraged him. And then he asked if he could, or told me he was about to remove my panties. I pointed out they were crotchless. He found a nice way to say he wanted to remove them anyway, and finished his tiny spiel with, "Is that okay?" I lifted my butt.

Perhaps that lady from the advice forum needed to be more open to the fact not all women are the same. Some who have been violated before might need and appreciate a lot more attention paid to checking consent at many stages. Some women might only feel comfortable if you seek to hear them say yes to every act. Some women are comfortable with you responding to non-verbal cues like pulling you close, or reaching for your genitals. Some who are very turned on by words or your voice, might like to hear you ask if she likes that. Some would love to do a post-coital recap. Some women don't want to have any of that.

Guess what? If you're only going to be comfortable seeking explicit consent, asking for feedback during an act, and discussing how things went afterward, and SHE doesn't like that about you, the two of you are not compatible! There is no loss not continuing to fuck an inconpatible partner. It's fine. You're not meant for each other. You'll both move on.

 

[1850231]

I was thinking about this thread in bed, this morning, and the line “everybody is a good kisser and everybody is a bad kisser” - posted by @Tight_N_Juicy, and it reminded me of something I’d forgotten that made me laugh... My first serious boyfriend used to like it when I would gently suck his tongue, when we were making out. The next guy actually RECOILED and asked me what the fuck I was doing - he hated it. It’s funny to me now, thinking back, but at the time, I remember feeling mortified because I guess we all want to feel like we’re good at something; that we’re able to please, but kissing is ultimately a form of communication, a suggestion and a prelude of things to come. That’s why is can be so fucking hot.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

@CallMeSpencer
Go to a bar with a band you want to see. Order a ginger ale, or some juice in soda. It looks like a cocktail. Go for the music, and it’s amazing what will flow.

Most here know my story, but I went to see and old friend play when I moved home after a six-year absence. We’d been friendly, emailed a couple times in the hiatus, we’d been partnered when I left, singe when I returned.
The Mr Awesome First Kiss story? That’s the same night.
He started with what was ostensibly a good night hug. Granted after some catch up talk. And a walk me to my car offer.
Something felt right in that hug and I melted against him almost instantly (this was very surprising to me, as I’m happy to hug but slow to ease into it). I felt his hug tighten, and I leaned into him more.
By then, his chin was on my head (no mean feat, he’s 6 feet tall. I’m 5 feet 2 inches. He had to drop down to me). He sighed and asked if he had to let go.
I said no.
I felt him move, turns out he was getting into a look-at-her position, looked up and we kissed. Soft, gentle, nothing more.
Perfect get the first kiss out of the way move. Lol.
Thing is, that kiss zinged my soul along with my bits.