Ladies Advice

[aboveaverageforme]

Hello, this one is for the ladies please:

Here is my issue, my fiance and I have been together for two years now and our relationship has lost its spark after she moved in a couple of months ago. Here's how it goes: she has become moody, bored, thinks she is ugly, stressed, and is tired all the time. I tried everything to reignite the spark and make things less stressful. I cook, clean, feed/clean up after the cats, I tell her how special she is to me, how beautiful, sexy, and smart she is at least twice daily, I pay the bills, take care of the finances, and do the housework and never complain. I tried having a fire, listening to relaxing music, light candles, and bought little presents to show her I love and care for her.

Now for me: I like sex and intimacy which has diminished since we got engaged. I tried to communicate my feelings about her not being intimate anymore. I told her that I feel like there is no spark, no intimacy, it feels like we are a married couple. She said that its not me, its her, she said everything I stated in the aforementioned paragraph as to why she lost the spark. She said she would work on it the past three times I told her about how I feel, but nothing has changed. Now, when we discuss it, she becomes even more sad and doesn't know what to do about it and frankly it is really bothering me.

I believe that she is depressed, or sad, or stressed, or all three. I tried making life easier for her, tried to switch things up sexually, like sitting naked when she walks in the door, dressing up un a suite with nothing on underneath, tried having romantic dinners, and taking her away to someplace special. None of this has worked. Where the heck do I go from here, will it always be this way, and why did she present herself, before engagement, as being a strong sexy, independent, sex loving, couldn't keep her hands off me type of girl, but only to become sad, bored, moody, and not interested in intimacy anymore?

What advice would another another woman say, should we go to therapy, or is she just depressed and things will change? I love her very much, hence why I engaged her, however, I feel like she isn't who she was when we were dating and she isn't helping me help her. Any advice would help, thanks.

 

[dolfette]

and why did she present herself, before engagement, as being a strong sexy, independent, sex loving, couldn't keep her hands off me type of girl, but only to become sad, bored, moody, and not interested in intimacy anymore?

what... you think she planned on getting depressed? did it on purpose? that it was part of her plan to be unhappy? don't be a dork!

yes, she sounds like she might be depressed.
if she is she needs professional help.

don't pander too much to the negativity.
being kind and helpful is good,
but pandering may make things worse.

 

[aboveaverageforme]

Sorry, must not have communicated that correctly, I didn't mean she planned to get depressed, I meant that she was a much different person when we were dating. I also don't know what to think because I have never been depressed.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I'm picking out 2 things that worry me about your post.

I told her that I feel like there is no spark, no intimacy, it feels like we are a married couple.

Sorry, but if you think that's what being married has to be like why do you want to marry.

why did she present herself, before engagement, as being a strong sexy, independent, sex loving, couldn't keep her hands off me type of girl, but only to become sad, bored, moody, and not interested in intimacy anymore?

You make it sound like you think she did it on purpose, that she tried to fool you or something. Shit happens, people change.

On a more general note, you don't really say anything about her life outside the relationship - how is her professional life? How is her family and her relationships with them? How is her general health? Her relationships with her friends? What else in her life has changed since you two moved in together?

It sounds like you are trying but there is clearly something bothering her that she doesn't recognise or won't admit to you.

Change tactics - try asking her about her general happiness - not just about the intimacy between the two of you. If she really is that melancholy and it is having a profound effect on both of you then maybe you should suggest therapy.

 

[aboveaverageforme]

I'm picking out 2 things that worry me about your post.



Sorry, but if you think that's what being married has to be like why do you want to marry.

It was a generalized statement, you know the old saying that it feels like we have been married for years...and I do not think that how being married is supposed to be, parents were married 50 years and they still have their spark...

You make it sound like you think she did it on purpose, that she tried to fool you or something. Shit happens, people change.

Once again, no tone in writing, I just meant things changed, that's all.

On a more general note, you don't really say anything about her life outside the relationship - how is her professional life? How is her family and her relationships with them? How is her general health? Her relationships with her friends? What else in her life has changed since you two moved in together?

She has a career, is busy, but no overtime, no manual labor, nice boss and co-workers. Family, although divorced and missing from her life in early years, is now becoming involved and she is happy about that. Her relationships with friends are great. Nothing really, she has it easier now than she ever has, bills are lower, house is bigger, eats like a queen, and has no at home stress.

It sounds like you are trying but there is clearly something bothering her that she doesn't recognise or won't admit to you.

Change tactics - try asking her about her general happiness - not just about the intimacy between the two of you. If she really is that melancholy and it is having a profound effect on both of you then maybe you should suggest therapy.

will try this approach. thanks

 

[Drifterwood]

It sounds like either she has fallen out of love with you and/or that she thinks that becoming engaged was a mistake and/or that she is conflicted about what is happening.

Your constant attention is probably annoying her for maybe several reasons.

One thing for sure is that this stage of a relationship is not supposed to be like this so something needs fixing. Personally I wouldn't bet on her being depressed other than that she doesn't really want to be in this situation. But I could well be wrong.

Being me, of course I am not you, I would offer to break off the engagement until she feels better about everything, but I would not be surprised if I were you if that were the end of it. I appreciate that you are saying that you love her very much, but it is better to have a failed relationship now than marriage later. Just my $0.02. Good luck.

 

[B_chinagirl4u2]

Dont worry or take to seriousy what most the "established " women forum girls say, they delight at beating up every body

why...... ?

 

[LaFemme]

I would recommend asking her directly if she's depressed. Talk to her and tell her that you are worried about her. Something is wrong and if she wants out of the relationship, then you deserve to hear it from her. If it's depression, then she needs some help. Asking, in a loving way, needs to be done. There are so many things that could be wrong, and talking it out is the only real way to determine what it is that you can do. Certainly, the two of you can't marry while things are like this. So use communication and ask without blaming or accusing.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Dont worry or take to seriousy what most the "established " women forum girls say, they delight at beating up every body

why...... ?

chinagirl - no one has beaten anyone up on this thread. We are taking the OP's questions seriously and responding to them seriously. If you have nothing useful to say perhaps it would be better to leave well alone.

 

[tat2dqt78]

I've been married 11 years, and after we first got married he totally lost his sex drive. I met him at a swingers event, and he was very popular with the ladies in the group. He had a super high sex drive, and we were intimate often prior to getting married. We discovered that he was suffering from depression, and now is taking meds and seeing a counselor. It's not your fault, or her fault. Maybe suggest seeing someone together. Make sure they are a sex positive counselor. SF Chronicle Article on Finding a Sex Positive Doctor | SF Bay Area Couples Counseling & Psychotherapy for Anxiety, Depression, Relationships & Sexual Problems

 

[HiddenLacey]

Here's how it goes: she has become moody, bored, thinks she is ugly, stressed, and is tired all the time.

I kind of zeroed in on this part of your post. I would ask her about these things. It does sound like something is wrong and it seems as though from reading your side, you are trying to be attentive... but maybe it's REALLY not you. I wouldn't make a point of bringing up the way I felt when I approached her about this again.

Personally speaking having someone tell me how unhappy they are if I'm already unhappy just brings me down more and makes me feel horrible for making them feel that way. Adds more stress.

I'm not trying to make this just about her by any means, obviously you're not happy either. I'm just trying to point out if you want to find out what's wrong with her don't make it about yourself in the process. Focus on her to find out what's really going on. As the other poster's have said it could be a number of things and not one of us really knows. Only she knows.

 

[FOXY252]

Could be depression, over the situation, over something possibly non-related to the two of you. Regardless she does owe you some type of explaination, but question it tenderly, as advised above.

Another note, from human observation, sometimes people chasing a partner, enjoy soley, the chase. Once said partner is obtained, the chaser loses interest.
Sometimes people want only what they can not have. Once they have it? They quickly lose interest... Not saying that is her for sure... but sounds similar?

I know if I had a man doing all that... wait, a man WOULD DO ALL THAT?!?!
I'd be fucking him senseless everyday. Period.
Sounds like you've done more than your part. The fault is not yours.
Try the advise above, and if it all profits no results... Consider cutting your losses, unless you want 'that kind of marraige.'

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

Two things
1. Get her to a doctor to make sure it's not a physical our medical issue.

2. Marriage counseling.... I'd recommend this BEFORE you get married for bith of you... A professional can help you both identify potential fire crackers that could turn into bombs later... You will both have a better appreciation of each other.


Good luck

 

[dolfette]

Dont worry or take to seriousy what most the "established " women forum girls say, they delight at beating up every body

why...... ?

so far you are the only woman in this thread not to give him any constructive advice on his situation.

if you only came into this thread because you're following certain ladies in order to bad mouth them then that's trolling and a violation of lpsg TOS.

i suggest you stop looking for excuses to get catty, look at this man's situation and tell him what you think might be his options.

back on topic,

you say she moved in with you. did she move away from anything? change town? leave her parents or flat mate? need to change jobs?

what else has changed?

 

[aboveaverageforme]

Chinagirl, I do not not think posters are beating me up, but rather providing me with some good advice and I thank them for the support!

Lol, men do these things??, that put a smile to my face.

Anyways, a lot of the advice given to me, I have tried, I also thought the same things, too, like the only wanting to get me, now I am had, there is no fun in that. And, that things changed tremendously for her and maybe that's why she is acting the way she is.

Here is what I am going to do, I will ask her to see a doctor, to see if there is anything wrong with her, medically. Then, we will talk further, if the spark doesn't come back, maybe I cut my losses and move on, this type of situation sucks for both of us.

 

[dolfette]

And, that things changed tremendously for her and maybe that's why she is acting the way she is.

thrill of the chase types are rarer than you think.
i think that assuming this is the easy way out.
why would that make her feel ugly?

she's gone from confidence to self loathing.
that goes a lot deeper than boredom!

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

If you both really love each other try the counseling... I am not a counselor but can trek you at the end of cutting your loss is what u need to do, then you will both see that...and what you get out of the sessions will only make u a better partner to whoever you chose.

 

[Drifterwood]

Here is what I am going to do, I will ask her to see a doctor, to see if there is anything wrong with her, medically. Then, we will talk further, if the spark doesn't come back, maybe I cut my losses and move on, this type of situation sucks for both of us.

A doctor or perhaps a medically trained counsellor. I think that you are absolutely right in this course of action and please note that you do not need to ask just women for relationship advice in the future. Some of us guys are sometimes better or just as well placed to respond to your issues.

I think that you felt you needed to ask just women because you are a nice loving guy who wants to win a girl back and that other girls/women will better help you to do that. But winning the girl back isn't always either an option nor the best thing to do.

 

[dolfette]

drifter, i think he asked women because he wanted to know what's going on inside her head. and there are differences between the thought processes of the average male and the average female.

how men think women think and how women actually think are often very different things.

 

[petite]

Oh there are so many possibilities....

I had this problem with one boyfriend where I was horny as usual but we had developed a serious problem with foreplay. In the beginning of our relationship he paid a lot more attention to me in general, more conversation and romance. For some reason, over time he stopped trying. He would play on his computer, ignoring me all evening and then he would only pay attention to me when he wanted to have sex, like he flipped on a light switch. Then his "move" consisted of grabbing my ass really aggressively, real low so that his fingers were... well you get the picture. I didn't like it. I'd shove him off and then he'd react like I had just rejected sex for the night and he'd flip the switch back off again and go back to playing on his computer. Now I'd be frustrated because I really wanted to have sex but I didn't want him to come up to me and just grab my ass and act like I was supposed to drop trou and bend over. That turned me off. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to offend him and I tried to describe my problem but he didn't seem to get it. I finally had to get really blunt with him about it, which actually worked, but I knew that with other guys it would have backfired and caused hurt feelings. For all I know, her problem could be something similar. I've had similar problems with other guys, like bad breathe that bothered me so much I didn't want to have sex unless it was immediately after he brushed his teeth. Or one guy whose primary move was to shove me on the bed and kiss me passionately, which I loved and turned me on - unless he had just come out of the shower because he never toweled off his longish hair which meant that a lot of really cold water was drip-drip-dripdripdriping all over my face in a way I did not find enjoyable, but he was also so sensitive that if I mentioned it I knew he would pout and act like I killed his puppy.

She could be depressed, too, as you suggested.

It could be medication. Birth control pills killed my libido and I hated it. SSRIs and depression medications are notorious for affecting sex drive and ability to orgasm.

If you're interested in counseling, I suggest Dr. Gottman's Institute. He has amassed more data and research on marital happiness and longevity than anyone on earth. We went to a weekend retreat with a Gottman trained affiliate and it was the most romantic weekend of my life, which is a weird thing to say when you spent most of it in a hotel conference room. They teach you skills for improving your communication and strengthening your bonds with one another, which involves getting in touch with the things that you love about one another and learning how to communicate those things, as well as how to resolve past conflicts that still affect your relationship so that the outcome leaves both of you feeling stronger and closer. It was wonderful. I'd go again! Now, not every couple had such a good weekend, but some of the couples were obviously already separated and in a different place than we were and I don't know how willing the participants were. I was surprised at TheBF for how he completely threw himself into it in a totally uninhibited way. I was expecting more resistance based upon how reluctant he was to go. I later found out that he felt self-conscious that if other people heard that we went that they would be judgmental and assume that we were unhappy or having problems. We weren't. I had learned about Dr. Gottman many years ago and I was fascinated by his research and I wanted to learn first hand, long before we had any problems that would cause us to need to seek counseling.