ladies I like your understanding

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dragcurve, Aug 14, 2010.

  1. dragcurve

    dragcurve New Member

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    New here so sorry if I am in the wrong section.
    My wife and I have been married for a long time and over the last few years she has to read erotica all through sex to climax (i say say sex as it is not real love making as she makes no effort to pleasure me).
    I dont know if this was after she may have had (i had suspected something from tex msgs) had an affair, but never admited anything.
    I use to give oral, but she wont even let me anymore.
    I tell her that she still turns me on etc and help around the house.
    What do you women make of the situation, I am tempted to look elsewhere for a more intirmate relationship.:mad:
     
  2. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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    As i said on the other thread




    when you say she reads through sex do you mean she justs lays there like a sack of spuds?

    If she won't communicate with you then gawd knows but knowing how my own mind works i'd think maybe she is still having the affair.

    Possibly she is menopausal and is abit dry 'downstairs'...using the erotica to get herself abit worked up.....(pardon me for saying but how fkin rude to read whilst you're doing the do!)

    Have you tried reading the erotica with her?

    I know what i would do but it wouldnt help and no doubt certain members of her would have a right old go at me....
     
  3. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Umm...

    First of all, I agree with Tasha that reading during sex is extremely rude.

    Second of all, I think you lower yourself by tolerating this. Your wife is showing you disrespect, and you are enabling her by allowing her to do so.

    Thirdly, if (as it appears from your post) she has absolutely no interest in a sex life with you no matter what you do, I think it is high time to get some relationship counseling at the very least, and to end the relationship if the issue cannot be resolved.

    I don't think looking elsewhere for intimacy while you are still in this relationship is the answer. If this relationship is a dead end for intimacy, then leave her and move on.

    I strongly suggest you have a serious talk with her. Tell her you will no longer tolerate her reading during sex, and that sex is important enough to you that you can't remain in a long-term relationship under these conditions. If she really does think the relationship is worth saving and wants to be with you, then she needs to go with you to a therapist, or at the very least start to take an interest in finding a real solution to her sexual disinterest (reading erotica during sex is not a solution).

    Sorry if this message comes across as overly direct, but I have been in an unsatisfying relationship and I wish I had gotten up the guts much sooner than I did to fix the problems or get out.
     
  4. dragcurve

    dragcurve New Member

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    Thanks for your reply Belly Dancer,

    Yes I must be strong and sort the situation out, I have just let things drift on and it has become a routine for us. If we cannot resolve this and part we will loose so much.
    I will try and get us to see a sex therapist/councilor although she may not be interested.
    Should I refuse sex until this is resolved.
     
  5. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Refusing sex might not be a bad idea, in my opinion, but if she's as uninterested as she seems to be, I'm not sure she wants it anyway, sadly. If it were me... and she told me she wanted to have sex... I'd reply with something along the lines of, "No thanks, I'm not in the mood to be disrespected and ignored right now, but thanks for the invitation." But that might not be the best response. :tongue:
     
  6. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    You could try replacing erotica with YOU telling her stories as you fuck her, but she may not be terribly receptive to that right now.
     
  7. B_infid3l

    B_infid3l New Member

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    I agree with this.

    If it's something that turns her on, if you read it to her, it would be a way to get into sharing what she enjoys. I'd sure find it a turn on to have my guy read a sexy story to me, especially while laying in bed touching and having intercourse.

    I don't know what's up with her not wanting to please you... have you ever brought it up to her, how you would really be turned on if she did certain things? Maybe she's really repressed about it, can't take the visuals, and now that the hormones aren't raging reading is the only way to engage herself for sexual pleasure? Really really hard to tell.

    I think you need to make it clear to her how much what's going on is hurting you. Not in an angry way, or with threats, but in an open honest way. If you don't do something to make her put up defenses, I would hope she'd be willing to go to counseling to sort out her head/your relationship (there are things you might be doing that you don't even realize that are affecting her, too...) and maybe go to the doc to see if she's OK medically; maybe she has always had a hormone imbalance and now it's getting worse.

    Speaking from experience, there can be dry spells in even super-sexually-charged long term relationships. It can be from emotional &/or medical issues. I think it's fairly normal and a couple kind of goes through periods of something like reinvention / rediscovery, or they break up.

    I think you have to be willing to stand and fight against your own insecurities and question your own actions and feelings, and allow yourself to show vulnerability to your mate, if you are going to keep communication open and be able to have a long relationship keep going in a healthy way.

    - Kristina
     
  8. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    I'm in the same boat, sort of. married 30+ yrs. my wife has no interest in sex, none. she's says we are too old for that. I'm 58. she is 53. I have ED, but I got Viagra, and Cialis. she is overweight, not the turn on she once was, but I still love her. the last time we fucked, I popped some Cialis, lots of foreplay, she didn't want me licking her, she admired my rock hard erection, refused oral on me and then she more or less made fun of me because I can't pump her at 100mph like I used to, part of that is her big belly is in the way. my second erection was about a 1/2 hr later, and she wanted no part of it.
    I am at a loss, and she used to be very horny. I mean if I wanted it, I got it. unless she was sick. now nothing. I get offers all the time from gals 5-15 yrs younger than me, and most are pretty attractive. I hate to cheat, but I am not dead yet, and I like being a man, and making love, satisfying a woman. I am at a total loss.
     
  9. dragcurve

    dragcurve New Member

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    Thanks guys for your views,

    I think the reason I never bring the problem up is the fear of being denied any intimacy at all and also knowing her difficult past.
    I know I should have mentioned it before but she was abused as a child by a close relative, She told me a year after we met and said it was not letting it ruin her life, she told her mother after the abuser had died, wrong I know.
    We have been together for over 30+ years and I believe she wants us to be together for life.
    She has been away for a week with our daughter; back next week. but our daughter is staying with us for a few more weeks so it will be hard to bring the subject up untill she leaves.
     
  10. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Again, I think counseling is advisable. You are not "too old for that" -- my husband is 62 and I'm sure he will still be going strong for some years to come.

    My grandfather, during his 70's, was made impotent by prostate cancer surgery, but he had some kind of implant done so that he could get some kind of mechanical erection...I'm not sure of all the details, but the point is that in their 70's, my grandfather and grandmother still thought sex was important enough to go out of their way to make it possible.

    My personal opinion is that no partner who wants a sexual relationship with their spouse/S.O. should be completely rebuffed. IMO that is part of what partners are there for -- to have a sex life with. Obviously, your wife is not of the same opinion, but it may be worth gently but firmly expressing to her that you cannot live a sexless life. I don't think it should be considered "normal" for a woman to totally eschew sex just because she is in her 50's. I think she should be made aware of your needs, and asked not only to go to counseling with you to resolve the psychological aspects of this issue, but also to get physically checked out in case her hormones are to blame.

    Anyway, I wish you the best in improving your sex life -- and for the record, I do not think cheating is a good solution.
     
  11. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    I agree with TMM in that refusing sex probably isn't going to make that much difference to your wife...that alone is not going to solve the problems.

    However, I do think you should refuse to do things the way you have been, if for no other reason than to retain your own self-respect.

    Communicate openly (but as kindly as you can) with her about your sexual needs, and ask her to work with you (probably through counseling) to make things better.

    If she is not willing to do this, then I strongly suggest you examine what this relationship really is to you and whether staying in it is worth being sexually unsatisfied.
     
  12. B_infid3l

    B_infid3l New Member

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    I understand it can be hard. It was hard for me to face some things in my past, but I feel freer now for it. Not facing it doesn't make things go away. It compounds it and causes more problems over the years, IMO.

    I had emo "issues" and medical stuff going on, not always the same time, but both cropping up to affect what went on between us, including my denying sex. Getting through it was like peeling things off in layers.

    I had a period where that feeling, having a libido, just didn't exist. My sweet Infid3l maried a nymphette, someone who wanted it all the time, then off and on, then nothing, and now a fuckbeast again. We've both learned a lot about ourselves and eachother and I think we're much better people for it.

    There's no way I would have sex just because my mate wanted it. 1) it's like a charity fuck, and he deserves better than that, 2) I want him to know that when we do it I want him, it's mutual, and 3) if he would have forced his needs on me I would have felt violated in a bad way. That would have made our problems worse.

    I know it was really really hard for Infid3l, because he told me, and it was very hard for me, between guilt and hating myself for not wanting it, but we made it through.

    I think that facing it will be rough, and not facing it has obviously been rough. I don't know if one will be worse than the other. Boils down to where you want to be in the future. With her, or without her, and getting or giving her the help she needs to face things and move forward.

    When we were having a really rough patch, Infid3l told me that he didn't want to lose me; he wanted me to be his wife, in his life, his love, even if we never had sex again. Those were the most healing words I've ever experienced. I don't know where we'd be now if I hadn't have got my drive back yet, but I think I might have let him get a friend with bene's. I felt so horribly bad about not wanting sex, I didn't have the feeling but I remembered the way it felt to have the drive not met.

    My heart goes out to you. I really hope you can work out whatever is best for you both.

    - Kristina
     
  13. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I'll preface this by saying that I've known a number of people (male and female) who have/had histories of abuse.

    I don't think this is likely to be a big factor in the current problem (although she may think it is). I think it is just a run-of-the-mill normal problem that can happen to anyone, especially if it is a new thing.

    I guess it just keeps coming back to the fact that you just have to talk to her about it.
     
  14. cece

    Verified Gold Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that your marital sex life has come down to this. If you're looking to fix your relationship with your wife, looking for intimacy elsewhere is not going to help.

    I'm no expert but it sounds to me that the underlying problem might be that your marriage has become stagnant. It's understandable that couples who have been together a long time will eventually get bored if things are always the same. If she has had an affair, she's obviously looking for something she can't get at home. And denying her sex isn't really going to make a difference to her.

    If you both have had a good sex life at some point in your marriage, then it is unlikely that her history of abuse would be relevant to your problems now. She must have been able to get past it at some point to have it good with you.

    If there are no other marital problems, then it could just be a matter of spicing up your sex life, experimenting with things you both haven't tried before. It's also important to note that sexual excitement starts in the head and heart for women. If you woo her again and make her feel so wanted and desirable, she will most probably start to respond to you again. Open and honest communication is probably the most important first-step.

    There's also a medical issue which might be a factor. Possibly a hormonal thing. I've heard what Suzanne Sommers is doing with hormone therapy and what a difference it has made for her sex life. It might be worth looking into. There is so much help out there nowadays. I really believe that if there is a will, there is a way. Good luck to you both!
     
  15. helgaleena

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    Masturbation is the answer. She needs to do it until she knows what actually pleases her. You need to do it and do it when she is there. Really, what is the difference if she is trying so hard to ignore you when you are actually in her body?

    You need to watch what she does to please herself and she needs to watch what you do. You can work up to masturbating each other. If she wants to remain your spouse then she cannot act as if she is not there... Sex life means both of you must get pleasure.

    It sounds as if she has only tolerated your sex life and let you get a low level of relief but not actually enjoyed it, for much too long. You too, may have been 'pleasing yourself' and settling for that because she assured you she did not expect to enjoy herself! But you would much rather she enjoyed it too. Why? Because you love her!

    If she is willing to read erotica, it means she is open to the idea of feeling some pleasure. Insist that she explain what it is she really likes, and that you want to share this, just as she has shared with you for so long. Start small, and keep yourself satisfied on the side until she has something to show you.
     
  16. dragcurve

    dragcurve New Member

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    THanks guys for your opinions,

    THis site has some lovely caring members who give time to help people.

    This is the only place I can share my problem, its hard for a guy to open up.

    I know that counciling is the way to go plus trying to get her to open up more to me.
    I feel lonley in the midst of a family, I need close intimacy with a the woman who I love, my desires to please her are strong and feel so hollow without that intimate caress etc.

    Helgaleena,

    You say she should masturbate, she told me she rarely does (only when I am away) and then admits it to me, she does do it while reading and I am in her, otherwise not in front of me. Are you saying she should do it without a book? I believe she gets all of her stimulus from the books. She has never seen me masturbate and has only done it once for me; not to ejaculation though, and then moaned that her arms ache and stops.
    She does not like me to masturbate in front of her. She is an non practice R.C.
    I try to talk when we have sex but all I get is a grunt or ah ah. to engrossed in the book.
    I feel I am just a human dildo.
    She tells she loves me all the time and is very house proud very clean and looks after me etc, I read somewhere that a person that that has been unfaithful puts more effort in to compensate for the guilt etc. Is that me being paranoid.
    Does she want to be the girl in the story book and would she if she could; being an older women maybe her body image inhibits her.

    As we live in a semi islolated area she has no friends to speak or go out with ( she was moved around alot when young with her parents) and relies on me for company (I work from home), so we are together almost all the time.

    Sorry to go on to much
     
  17. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    When I'm masturbating I ALWAYS use erotica, so I can see what your wife gets out of it. But she really needs to put the damn book down while you're having sex! While she is doing that your sexual communication is never going to improve.

    I really think you need to make a stand and say 'No more' even if it means you don't get any sex at all for a while. In the meantime, read what she likes to read so you can talk to her during sex - and if she isn't reading while you're doing the talking she may actually listen to you and find she enjoys it.
     
  18. helgaleena

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    She needs to let you read aloud to her. I think she wants to be a part of your life but has problems with bad concepts about sex at home. Home is where she was a victim with no way out. Try reading her sexy books to her, and try having sex in another place. But tell her you want her to be looking at you during sex! That is what she will do if she truly accepts that you and she are in contact.
     
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