Ladies, let me know if I’m way off base.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by OPPinSLC, Jul 8, 2009.

  1. OPPinSLC

    OPPinSLC Member

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    My girl friend and I have been dating for a couple of years. Last fall she hooked up with a girlfriend of hers for a one-night stand. It really hurt me, but we talked about it and worked through it. About three weeks ago she went out drinking with that same girl, but she had told me about it ahead of time, so I didn’t think too much about it at the time. I didn’t really like the idea, but I trust her. Today she told me more about that night, that they were drinking and having a good time, then her friend left the bar early, but she stayed and kept drinking and ended up sleeping in her car, then went home in the early morning (all she told me at the time was that she went out and had fun).

    I don’t know about girls, but when I used to go out with the guys the rule is you never leave a man behind (unless that guy has a chance of getting lucky). So, my question is, should I press her on the issue? Obviously I suspect that maybe she hooked up with this girl friend of hers again. I’m mainly interested in comments from women (I’m a guy, so I already know what I think).
     
  2. MR.BLACK

    MR.BLACK Active Member

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    lol tell her to let you in on the action i mean your girl is hooking up with girls thats hot
     
  3. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Well. My female friends and I don't always leave the bar at the same time. If one of us wants to go home, we do. *shrug* Isn't a big deal, really. Now if one of my friends is really drunk, and I want to go home, then I'll make sure she's in good hands before I go. But that's about it.
     
  4. ScorpioSlut

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    Yes you're way off base. A very broad generalization. Bottom line is either you trust her or you don't and if you don't I'd strongly suggest you have an honest conversation with her about not only what you "suspect" may have gone on that night but also about your trust issues.
     
  5. OPPinSLC

    OPPinSLC Member

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    Thank you for your wise comment. You're right. The bottom line is that I do trust her, and we will have a good long talk.

    Thanks again.
     
  6. Enid

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    I'm sorry that you've been hurt.

    There is one thing I wanted to say though, to this:

    I leave bars when I am ready to go, at different times than my friends. ONLY if we came together do we leave together. Or if I see my friend needs help getting home, I will get him/her home.
     
  7. bigguy11211

    bigguy11211 New Member

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    Er, trust issues? I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I'm pretty sure I'd have "trust issues" as you so lamely call it if someone did cheat. They lie/cheat once, why wouldn't they lie again? Who the fuck wouldn't have "trust issues" with someone who's cheated on them once already? :confused:
     
  8. ScorpioSlut

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    I don't disagree with what you're saying....but in a relationship you either forgive someone completely or your mistrust is something that keeps rearing its ugly little head and has the potential to ruin your relationship.....a relationship you obviously valued enough to forgive the person from cheating on you a first time. Am I saying you should be naive and unguarded? No. But you do need to forgive the person and don't judge every little action they perform on the fact that they've cheated in the past. If that is the case you would have done better to just break up with them after the initial incident...otherwise the rest of the time you're together your partner will still be a cheater.
     
  9. B_LargePenis46

    B_LargePenis46 New Member

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    She cheated on you once do not think that she will not do it again. She'll play you like a bitch and keep doing it again if she knows that you do not care. You should have kept that pimp hand strong and the first time it happened dumped her ass! Now you just getting tricked and played like a ho and a bitch by a pimp!
     
  10. Drifterwood

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    It may be that she has a non 100% orientation like the poster above. But unlike him, the issue is not one of some beefheaded macho moron, but whether she needs to express her non hetero desires from time to time and whether you can accomodate that within your own relationship.
     
  11. B_LargePenis46

    B_LargePenis46 New Member

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    Dude Cheating is cheating. Not everyone wants to have an open relationship and they should not be forced into doing this just because one person is not mature enough to handle a relationship and cheats instead of ending the relationship. I am not heterosexual but I have NEVER cheated on someone or used my sexuality as a crutch or excuse to cheat on someone. The person who allows the cheating to go on like the original poster did deserves what they get for allowing themselves to used, tricked, lied to, and played on by a liar and a cheat like his girlfriend is.
     
    #11 B_LargePenis46, Jul 9, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  12. Drifterwood

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    I don't share your simplistic view of human behaviour.

    You also missed the point of what I was saying. I will say it again. The issue is whether she needs to express her non 100% heterosexuality and whether he can deal with that. IME, straightjacketing people's sexuality is a road to unhappiness.
     
  13. B_LargePenis46

    B_LargePenis46 New Member

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    Why should SHE (and you driftwood) be using her sexuality as an excuse or a crutch to lie and cheat on her boyfriend when she'd agreed to be in a closed relationship that is monogamous? No it's not straight jacketing someone's sexuality if two people agree to be in a closed or monogamous relationship and then the one person lies and cheats on the other one and then uses their sexuality as an excuse as to why they did it. They should have just broken up or ended the relationship in the first place instead of cheating. There are ways to express your sexuality no matter what it is even if it's heterosexual or not heterosexual that do not involve cheating on someone and lying about all of it like SHE did. Why are you making up excuses for the fact that she cheated on him? What would you even know about being non-heterosexual since you are heterosexual?
     
    #13 B_LargePenis46, Jul 9, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  14. Drifterwood

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    I can't see your assumptions in the OP, and besides I am giving him an alternative opinion based on personal experience.
     
  15. B_LargePenis46

    B_LargePenis46 New Member

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    OPP-Chances are she's been cheating on you all along and you do not realize it or do not want to accept it. You should have dumped her when it happened the first time. Break up with her even though it will be hard, move on, and find someone else who is a mature adult who can be in a monogamous relationship like you want to have and deserve. You can do a lot better than this liar and cheat and even you know it.
     
  16. bigguy11211

    bigguy11211 New Member

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    And I agree with you...to a point.

    For me, not being "naive and unguarded' equates to "trust issues", particularly when the partner in question goes out one night with the girl she's been unfaithful with and doesn't come back, giving some bullshit "I slept in the car" story. If the boot was on the other foot, would you buy that? Seriously?

    How can wanting to question that be way off base? It's hardly non-suspicious behaviour. Just out of curiosity, what for you would constitute suspicious behaviour?
     
  17. ScorpioSlut

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    As I said earlier if I truly forgive someone and she had not given me any other reasons to be suspicious of her then yes I might just buy it. Of course like I said in my second post if he really thinks she did something then he needs to be honest with her and ask her.

    The fact that he is considering questioning her is not what was off base. The fact that he wants to question her based on the theory that he personally "never leaves a man behind at the bar" is. Myself and other women (as evidenced by their testimonies in this post) often got to a bar and leave whenever we please even if we are meeting up with a group of friends. If that is the only reason he doubts her then yes it is a bit off base and he has greater trust issues. If he has other reasons to doubt the explaination she gave him then sure ask away....but basing it all on that theory is a bit crazy.

     
  18. bigguy11211

    bigguy11211 New Member

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    Yeah, that's fair enough. His premise may be off base, but in the same situation I would be suspicious, and I suggest anyone would. Why, having worked through such an issue, would the girl then go out with the girl she was unfaithful with and not come home?

    Am I just old-fashioned? Surely that is unacceptable behaviour for someone in a relationship with someone they supposedly love?
     
  19. OPPinSLC

    OPPinSLC Member

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    No, she hasn't. The closest is that we've talked about same room sex with another couple, but we both agree we would be uncomfortable with either of us being with someone else (of either sex;)
     
  20. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Some thoughts about some of the issues raised in this thread:

    I believe there are some people (and I am one) who simply cannot do monogamy. And, depending on the maturity level of the person, they may not always know this going into a relationship.

    It was said that she "agreed to a 100% monogamous relationship" but this may have been a tacit agreement based on our culture. Besides, even if she explicitly agreed, people do change their minds sometimes, and this is normal and natural.

    Having said that, I think if she has changed her mind about being able to be monogamous, she needs to be up front with the OP so he can decide whether or not he wants to be with her based on this new information.

    Regardless of what her sexuality is, she should not be lying to her partner or sneaking around.

    I think the idea of a good long talk is an excellent one, but I would caution the OP to try not to be too judgmental of your GF.

    People (especially on web bulletin boards) often set themselves up as someone's judge, jury & executioner when they don't even know the person or all the circumstances of the situation.

    I am a not-completely-heterosexual woman, and I think if someone told me I could never be with another woman I would feel cheated. However, I would also feel cheated if someone told me I could never be with another man, so in my case I think the sexual issue is one of non-monogamy rather than orientation.

    Fortunately, my husband has the same issue (with regard to non-monogamy), and we understand each other perfectly. In past relationships we have snuck around, and we will not do that any longer -- we have grown to the point where our integrity will not allow it. Accordingly, we are very open with each other and sex outside the relationship is negotiable in appropriate cases.

    I'm not saying everyone should have our type of relationship. People are all put together differently.

    I'm just saying the OP needs to find out how his GF is put together, and make decisions accordingly.
     
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