Ladies, need some serious help...  please

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Going4Seven: Hey Ladies,
I really need some help here. my girl and I are having some serious issues and I am lost in the dark. I don't know what the hell is going on here. I can never win. I'm an asshole because I want sex. My girlfriend always complains saying "when are you going to get off this kick?" and "is that all you ever fucking think about?!" I don't go asking for it every 10 seconds keep in mind. But when we don't have sex for like 2 weeks, I kinda gotta drop a hint right? I mean, what gives here? I swear, this is killing me inside. She never wants to have sex with me anymore. I feel as if I can't please her enough so she doesn't want to have sex with me now. No oral either... I haven't gotten a blowjob other than the other night for about 3 months now. 3 MONTHS! Thats the whole summer without anything! :-[ But I've done stuff to her, and got nothing in return. What gives there!? I'm sorry that I'm going off like this, but I am truly ready to snap. I get the feeling that I'm so worthless in her eyes. I give her anything and everything she wants. Not literly but you get the point. I even gave her 100 dollars of my own money to go take to Vegas cause she didn't have enough spending cash to go on her trip with her friends. I didn't expect anything and then she took it and said something like, "I feel bad, like now I have to have sex with you to say thank you for this" ... "you ddn't have to do this..." i said "don't worry about it and go have some fun baby"... nothing came of that! I'm furious about that, cause that just sucks. Doesn't it? I mean, I do something for her right then and there at the spur of the moment without having sex on the brain and she says something like that to me. How am I suppose to take that? Let me say this again... I don't keep asking for sex on a regular basis. I don't know... Is there any ladies out there that can help? Sammy... WVlady... Nony... Aussie.... anyone? I would sure love to have some feedback on this as this is killing me inside. sorry for such a long post.


[glow=red,2,300]SEVEN[/glow]

 

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Valkyrie: Tough one, but I'll at least attempt to give it a shot...

First a couple of assumptions:
- from your writing and from the description you make - I assume you are both quite young. Maybe in your late teens/early twenties?

I may be wrong on this assumption - if so please forgive me - but what I'm saying is with this in mind.

Young women are quite often insecure when it comes to their own sexuality - what they are "allowed" to do. It's part peer pressure, part created by media, part cultural upbringing. Generally it boils down to something like this:

"But if I have a lot of sex, people will think I'm a slut/whore/loose girl/<insert own label here>."

With these thoughts firmly lodged somewhere in the back of her head (most of the time they are not even conscious thoughts), of course the natural response will be that she's going to avoid sex - in an attempt to "save" her reputation, to act within the generally accepted norms of society. A norm usually stating that it's OK for a man to have lots of sex, but not OK for a woman.

A young woman has also not really had the time to get to know her own body - how it reacts to sex, what she enjoys, what she can do to make her partner enjoy sex. In essence she lacks the necessary knowledge and will have insecurities created from this. I know this from experience - even though I have masturbated regularly from an early age (12-13) and knew my sexual responses fairly well from this, there is no comparison to be made between the 19-year old who lost her virginity and the 33-year old of today.

Again - when speaking about society's norms - it's OK for a man to masturbate, to get to know his own body and sexuality, to experiment with different partners - it is in a way more or less expected from him. It's not OK for a woman to do the same - she shouldn't touch herself "down there" - any form of sexual release should come from her partner "giving" it to her, and any form of sexuality should be with only the one partner she chooses to give herself to for the rest of her life. (This is of course a caricature, but the general picture still holds true.)

Masturbation among most men is no big deal. Most women don't even talk about it, it's swept under the rug and unfortunately most women believe that "well, it's a guys thing, I don't know any woman doing this - it's unnatural". BS... It's one of the best ways to get to know you body's sexual response, what you like, what you dislike. Also one of the safest forms of sex there is.

If these thoughts are somewhere in the back of her head (as they are for many women), of course there will be a resistance towards having sex and exploring it on her own.

She is not sure you are the one partner she will spend the rest of her life with, she doesn't want to "spoil" herself too much for her future partner, she doesn't want him to think she has been a "loose girl" together with everyone - he might not want her if she has done that...

She will also be reluctant to explore her own body, she has no role model, no one telling her it's OK to do this, that it's a normal part of developing your sexuality.

She might also have a (false) picture that sex is of less importance (or even no importance) in an intimate relationship. That romance, friendship, etc. are what a relationship is created from. A picture largely created by romance novels, media and the like. Her response that "now I feel like I have to have sex with you to repay what you did for me" could indicate this. Sex is a "currency" - not something that is a natural part of a relationship.

In my book this is one of the biggest misconceptions ever - intimacy, romance, friendship AND sexuality are all equally important. I would even go to the lengths of saying that sex will enhance all the other feelings. Sex can be fine and exciting as an activity in it's own right, but coupled with all the other feelings in a relationship is when it really shines.

There may of course also be lots of other factors at play - previous non-pleasant experiences from sex making her afraid, non-arousal and/or medical conditions that make sex uncomfortable for her, other "mind twisters" at work... Within every human you usually find a nice little cocktail of societal norms; values instituted by parents, church, school; peer pressures; the latest "craze" from media and books - sometimes creating less than desirable effects. Especially when it comes to sexuality and relationships...

It became much longer, and much more philosophical than intended - if boring, please accept my apologies. The human psyche is not easy to understand - but something that has always fascinated me.

/Valkyrie

 

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AnonyMs: I just spent 45 minutes trying to compose a post and have run out of time for the present moment.

Seven, please provide your ages, how long you have been dating, how many sexual partners the two of you have had if you are young (less than 30 yo), and what is her native country.

I will write my thoughts tonight.

Thanks.

 

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wvalady1968: Valkyrie has made some very insightful points, which are true of a lot of women.

But in this case, I think your gf sounds like a selfish witch. Three months w/o a bj? NO SEX for 2 weeks?

Why are you still with her?

I'm sorry, but one of my pet peeves is guys who stay with women who treat them like dirt, and vice versa. BTDT, got the tattoo. Move on, Seven. You deserve better. [And, frankly, anything IS better.]

:-*

Allie

 

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Going4Seven: Hey ladies,
thank you for your responses.... keep them coming. I enjoy reading al your thoughts on this. Its helping really! I'm 21 and my gf is 19. We've been dating for almost 4 years. I was her first in every aspect. I haven't had sex with any other either because I refuse to cheat on her.
nony - I don't know her native country or what you mean by that... do you mean where her family came from? I believe it was Germany if that was the case. If any of you have any other questions... likes dislikes apearances etc... let me know... I'll pos again tonight.
thanks for all the wods of wisdom... Appreciate it greatly!


[glow=red,2,300]SEVEN[/glow]

 

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AnonyMs: okay, here are my thoughts.

If this is a recent development - by that I mean there was a time when you went at it like rabbits but the ardor has cooled - it may be time to be thinking of moving on.

It this is not a recent development, but has always been the case since the time you were first sexually intimate, she may indeed be conflicted about being sexually active (see Val's post above). Time will improve that situation, but it is not a short term fix. If you are not thinking that this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, again - it might be time to move on.

You might also give some thought to the fact that you are at a sexual prime stage of life where every thought generates sexual feelings and she is about 15 - 20 years away from that. You might not think you are mentioning sex every minute but you might be in some other ways, like talking about how hot some chick is, or watching porn or something like that. You are probably having some sort of sexual thought every ten seconds (according to stats) and for her, it may be more like every ten hours!

Also, I got a little conflicting message in what you said. You stated you gave her money to go have a good time with friends. She said, Now I have to have sex with you. You said no, enjoy yourself but then you disclose, "nothing came of that." Sounds like maybe you were hoping for the play now, pay later with sex plan.

You might also give some thought that people can be incompatible with desire of frequency for sex. This is something that must be negotiated in almost any relationship.

Are you nice to this woman because you are hoping if you are good enough to her, she will have sex with you or are you good to her because you love her and this is how she deserves to be treated? If the former, move on.

Other than the sex stuff, does she treat you well? Is she kind and considerate, loving and thoughtful in all other areas? If not, Allie has a point to consider.

That's about all. I am sure I misunderstood some things as relationships are always more complex than can be explained in a single post. Take what is useful - if any - and discard the rest.

 

[Pecker]

[quote author=AnonyMs link=board=women;num=1064388180;start=0#5 date=09/24/03 at 15:17:00]Take what is useful - if any -  and discard the rest.  [/quote]

Unfortunately, Nony, if Going4Seven is thinking with the wrong organ, he's not going to take the good advice and discard the bad. He's instead going to take whatever advice that will simply help him get laid by this girl.

Going4Seven, you're still a young guy. Your only sexual experience so far has been limited to this one girl who may now be feeling her own oats and is ready for a broader experience (i. e. with other guys). Be ready to make the decision - are you ready to spend the rest of your life questioning motives, wondering why, feeling inadequate? Or are you ready to take the next step?

It's all up to you now. Later it will be up to her and you will probably suddenly find yourself d-u-m-p-e-d.

 

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Tender: i think he would be lucky to find himself dumped.
otherwise he'll find himself 5 yrs from now or whenever, still begging her to touch him, want him, and be sweet on him.
she sounds very inconsiderate. if she loved you she would be willing to satisfy your needs, not just think of herself.

 

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sammygirly: There is a time in everyone's life where their sexual libido can be affected, slow down, even disappear for a while. Times when sex just doesn't seem to be the amazing experience that it used to be - a mental block so to speak that may be the fault of neither party. Sometimes outside life experiences alter your needs...

It's a mental thing that can be the downfall of relationships if one or both are not able to discuss it properly. And I'm not talking medical necessarily - there are many reasons that her libido just might frankly be lagging.

Hell, it might have nothing to do with you at all.

And, in my opinion, it doesn't mean that it won't pick up again.

Just another perspective from someone who has experienced this from your point of view Seven - although, I have issues with the way she's striking out at you about it and perhaps that is because she doesn't know how to express what's bothering her. Maybe she's even ashamed at her lowered sexual appetite and feels like less of a woman to you - or feels that you wouldn't understand if she explained it to you, or isn't able to explain it to herself yet.

I would suggest that you both sit down and discuss this SERIOUSLY. Ask her why darling...don't just assume it's your fault. That's when it gets dangerous.

Just a different possible look on things...

sammy

 

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Valkyrie: Very wise words from both Nony and sammy as well.

Open, straightforward discussion is always a good thing and can be the way to solve many problems in a relationship. I should know, as that is what has kept our relationship alive and kicking for eight years and hopefully many more to come.

It's not easy though - you have to trust the other person quite well to really open up and try to share what your innermost feelings are. And it's never easy - especially when talking about fears, feelings of inadequacy (sp?), anger, hurt or other less than positive emotions.

Just speaking from a very personal point of view - I'm not sure I would have been able to do that in my early twenties... At that point in time there were too many hang-ups of trying to be like everyone else, fitting the bill and not accepting my true self.

/Val (philosophical once again)

 

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sammygirly: I dunno, I was able to in my early 20s. Hey, I'm not far from my early 20s right now being only 26.

Just be careful not to place the "blame" on yourself Seven. It's dangerous when we start to assume that we are no longer attractive to our partners, not sexy enough, not good enough in bed, not doing the right things to satisfy them...

...You'd be surprised how often you're not even the problem ;D

 

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Going4Seven: Hey all,

Nony- I read your post and here's the scoop. when we first started having sex, it took awhile to get into the sing of things. Positions, rhythms, thrust patterns etc. which both of us could love. yes we did fuck like rabbits for a bit! So I guess it died down all of the sudden. Also, when I was reffering to the money issue, I ment after looking back at the event like a week later. I wasn't planning on getting any from that, that night. Like when I look back at the situation now, thats what I feel. Sorry if I was unclear.

I do care about her deeply and do things for her cause I love her, not just for the thought of getting something in return. Like sex. She treats me good but there are times when she doesn't. Like last night... we got into a fight. It'll be awhile before we talk to each other again. One of the things I found out last night was that she hates the fact that I always say sexual stuff or make comments and she finds that very annoying I guess. "Its such a turn off" she said. I don't seem to think that I do things like that, but I guess I do. She said that I would get more if I did that less. I simply looked at her with the look on my face of "YEAH FUCKIN RIGHT" and I think she got the idea. So thats where I stand as of now.

I really don't know what to do because I truly love this girl and I couldn't bring myself to dump her just because we were not having enough sex. I'm not really good with the ladies as all the other guys so its not like I'll be able to choose from any girl I want if we seperate. I don't know what to do with this... ???

Also, Sammy - thanks for your imput. Its been awhile with not doing anything with my girl so that is why I start to believe that it is my fault. I don't feel as if she'll be able to open up about what she is feeling in the "lack of sex phase" she's in now. Everytime the subject comes up, like I said before, she says its a turn off and hates me for it or simply does not want to discuss it. Who wouldn't want to know why they are not having sex anymore? ;D right? I guess there are some barriers holding her back... Would appearance or self esteem of her body be a problem? Like a self image problem?


[glow=red,2,300]SEVEN[/glow]

 

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AnonyMs: Oh boy!

I think you are in major trouble, seven.

For a relationship to last, you must be able to talk about anything. She currently lacks the skill set to do so. This could be for any number of reasons.

You could try counseling together to learn how to communicate better. But I doubt she would want to go.

And a word about sticking with her because you might not get another girlfriend.... you are better off alone than with someone who is not consistently loving and mature. Do not settle for moments of the relationship being good. If the relationship is only good for moments during the courtship, it will be much worse when you are married.

Are there any guys out there who can chime in on this?

 

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rainfletcher: Absolutely, AnonyMS. Happen to have an opinion on this.

If you truly love each other, then this is something to be worked trhough.

However, this doesn't sound like 'love'. I love my girlfriend, and do things for her just because of that. It's not work or effort - it's a joy. She feels the same way. We do somethign 'sexual' every night (we can't make love every night becuase we don't 'fit' tgether very well and she isn't able every night), and it's usualy a competition to see who gets to please the other. We're completely unselfish.

In a truly loving relationship, nothing should be one sided. The needs and desires of both should be addressed!

If this is not love, then you need to vacate immediately. This sounds like an abusive relationship.

From personal experience, if a partner is rejecting your sexuality, then they are rejecting a key part of yourself. This can and WILL (sounds like it already is) lead to feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. This leaves SCARS, my friend. It heals, but your never the same after.

Take my advice, the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. The longer you stay, the more damage is done to your personality.

And under no circumstances should you ever allow her to get pregnant! Of course, this implies intercourse which doesn't sound likely, huh.

Best of luck to you.

 

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Maximillian: I have a problem when the status of a relationship boils down to sex. There are many other facets of a relationship that are more important and patience is one I preach over and over.

Every relationship is going to have problems, not just about sex, but about what to watch on TV, what to eat, when to go to bed and on and on and you cant just abandon the whole thing over one problem. You have to find solutions because running away never solved anything and thats a very bad lesson to learn at a young age.

My advice is this, sit down and talk to her, even if she gets pissed dont respond to her anger. Explain to her how you feel and then, here comes the part where you learn to be a real man, you tell her you can be patient.

It wont be easy, but if you really care for this girl and see yourself with her for a long time, then it will be worth it. Please feel free to IM Me if My mindset is something you think may help and I would be happy to give you some more advice, suggestions and support.

Best of luck,
Maximillian

 

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anonymous_pole: I am having one of those days that I can't organize my thoughts well,so bear with me. I'll just throw out my random ramblings and you can sort through them.

Don't stay in a relationship if you're not happy.Talk to her about this problem and see if there is a legitimate reason she's not interested in sex anymore. If so,try to resolve it...if not,move on. Lots of times people will say you can't base a relationship on sex,but from what you have written I don't feel that you are doing that. Sex IS an important part of a relationship if it is imortant to either person involved.There is a name for love without sex...its called FRIENDSHIP. I have dated women with sex drives that are not compatible with mine...we are friends to this day. In a long-term relationship, you MUST be compatible in ALL aspects or neither of you will ever be truely happy. Life is too short to neglect your happiness,yet too long to be miserable all the time.

 

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Lionessindc: Seven I sort of feel your pain,

I have a very high sex drive for a woman-if im breathing Im horny and I have been that way from 18 on (Im 30 now)

I get told over and over by guys "do you think about anything BUT sex?" Of course I do, but Im very physical and...hungry.

So I can relate to your feelings and yes I had a partner that would not touch me at all. Folks are right its emotionaly scaring to have that. You need to be emotionaly ok and it does not sound like you are.

Lioness

 

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neatski2: There was a lot of valuable advice given here, but I would really like to emphasize what Valkyrie and Maximillian said. While the other women in here may be right (she's just being selfish and she's too immature to try to solve the problem or she thinks that relationships should be based on emotional intimacy alone), I think that you should definitely have an open discussion about this issue. Lay it out on the table, don't respond to her anger, have a logical discussion and ASK her what she wants and what she expects of you. I am a FIRM believer in masturbation being the key to a healthy sex drive and healthy sex life, so that would probably be a good topic to bring up, too.

I am surprised that a 19 year old seems so disinterested in sex. If you really love her, you'll accept her for her flaws as well as her pluses, but I'll bet that open communication is your best shot at improving your sex life.

 

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Pnut: I believe that 'Sex' is 'Sex'.... and how great it is has everything to do with the "connection" 2 people share with each other. However deep that connection is, could very well mean the difference between a temporary lover, and a lifelong commitment. And losing that connection, or never having it to begin with, could have everything to do with feelings of being "unwanted".
My opinion? .... The only reason a person feels 'unwanted', is maybe because the one your with has a reason to 'want you to be'........so how much effort does one put into a relationship like this? ???

 

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hung: Great Sex. For starters. You are a male and you sound very normal. Please let me assure you that this girl may not be the one for you. It sounds that one or even both of you are now operating on different channels. Please give yourself time to relax and get into other relationships with other females. If you let this one cool off and involved yourself with other you may just find out that the current love of your life is but a fleeting moment. You have a whole life to look forward to.

Statistics prove that you have more opportunity than her to enjoy life. You are in a minority and we all know that there are more girls out there than there of us.

Take it easy and give yourself the opportunity to meet other girls. Life is too short to make one mistake and insisit on being with that mistake forever. Then again, if after checking out the available resources you come back to her you will be more confident that you are on the right track.

The facts of life are that you are here to enjoy it.