Ladies, would this upset you?

[bluekarma]

Okay, this is about the guy I've been posting about lately. The one I'm teaching (who is learning very quickly, I might add :wink: ). Yesterday we hiked an approx 4 mile trail up some falls near our town. It was a beautiful day, and we took our time and it was really just breathtaking. So on the way back down, we got into this discussion....reflecting back, I wish we would have never even brought it up, but we did, and it led to an awkward dialogue that was really doomed from the start. We started talking about our previous partners, and what we liked/disliked about their bodies, appearance, etc. Then we began comparing those things to what we like about each other. Eventually this led to my asking the totally insane and insecure question "whose body do you prefer, hers, or mine"? Duh, such a loaded and immature question. But he speculated for a long time, and was finally honest with me. He said that if he had to choose based ONLY on physical appearance (not personality, sexual connection, compatibility,etc) he would choose her. I asked him what helped him arrive at that decision and he said basically because she had really large breasts and he likes large breasts and that she just has one of those "perfect petite bodies and cute round faces, that all guys like". Now, don't get me wrong...he tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am, and how I look more like a hot college coed than a 25 year old working mother, how sexy my body is, etc. But for some reason after this discussion, I can't help but feel jealous and sad, that I did "win". His comment was actually - "Well, I guess if I had to pick the body I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, yeah, her body". I felt like the ugly exile on the island.

The ride home was completely silent....we sort of argued a little because I told him it was sort of shallow to pick her over me just because her tits were big, that would be like me saying I'd pick my ex hubby over him because his dick was bigger. I realized it wasn't fair to be mad at him for being honest....and I decided to just hush before we really got heated.

Ladies, would him saying that stuff upset you, or would you be able to shrug it off knowing that he was only being honest, and confident that he does like your body? I just can't shake that one comment about "the rest of my life, yeah, I'd choose her"....I mean, damn, that's harsh. I don't even think he realizes it hurt my feelings, and if I brought it up he'd say "Oh, come on...you know you have a million things over on her, just because she has a nicer body doesn't mean shit". But to me it DOES. So anyway, I know I have self esteem issues, but this really didn't help matters. Maybe a more confident person would be able to say, "yeah we all would pick the person with the perfect body, if that's all we were using to make the decision". Or maybe some are like me, and expect to win all the time, even if that is a false and unrealistic expectation??

I'm rambling...thoughts?

 

[Principessa]

Ladies, would him saying that stuff upset you, or would you be able to shrug it off knowing that he was only being honest, and confident that he does like your body? Hell yeah, it would bother me! But then again I am 41, and would never ask that question. With age comes wisdom, we all live and learn from our experiences. I just can't shake that one comment about "the rest of my life, yeah, I'd choose her"....I mean, damn, that's harsh. I don't even think he realizes it hurt my feelings, and if I brought it up he'd say "Oh, come on...you know you have a million things over on her, just because she has a nicer body doesn't mean shit". But to me it DOES. Of course it does, because like me, in the back of your mind it will be forever stuck that he will leave you for her, or some other perfectly petite woman with huge boobs. So anyway, I know I have self esteem issues, but this really didn't help matters. Maybe a more confident person would be able to say, "yeah we all would pick the person with the perfect body, if that's all we were using to make the decision". Or maybe some are like me, and expect to win all the time, even if that is a false and unrealistic expectation?? ROTFLMAO, Oh my God! Are you from Jersey? Or maybe we are twins separated at birth. I think the exact same way! hahahaha It pretty much sucks to have that bubble burst too.

I'm rambling...thoughts?

He's gonna be back-pedaling on that one for a while.

 

[bluekarma]

Damn right. I'm thinking about showing him my post, to let him know how much it upset me. PS - Love your quote.

He's gonna be back-pedaling on that one for a while.

 

[amiegrrl]

Oh GOOD ONE curiousgirl You went and asked him for his HONEST OPINION ... then he went and actually GAVE IT to you. Silly man! I do have to take his side a *little* and say that you were totally asking for it. On the other hand, my BF knows to tell me what I want to hear should I start on one of those 'Am I PRETTY??' insecurity rants. Soooo... here's my thought:

The problem is, you are mistaking a completely subjective opinion for black-and-white fact. OK, so she has bigger boobs than you and is petite. So what?? Are bigger boobs 'better'? Because there are negatives to having large breasts - many women here (including myself) would attest to that. YOU are the one giving your body to him now, so (DUH - stupid man!!!) YOURS is obviously his favorite. Any (smart) guy will tell you that their favorite body is the one they have access to... And, like a large penis, it really IS all in how you work it. As you said about your ex-husband - he IS bigger, but do you really lay and pine away for his cock when you've got New Guy Who Is Learning Quickly laying next to you?? I certainly hope not! New Guy's wording was unfortunate, but I don't think in any way he meant it as a mortal blow to your self-worth.

In summary: You are gorgeous and he LOVES your body. I'd almost *kill* to be likened to a sexy co-ed, sister. Ex-Girlfriend's body shape/type has as little to do with how he feels about you as your ex's dick size has to do with how you feel about New Guy. Just don't ask him any more questions like that until he is VERY CLEAR on the When To Lie To Me rules Hasta~

 

[bluekarma]

Good point. Better yet, this kind of question will not be asked again, because I don't like to be lied to, no matter what the circumstance. Thanks amiegrrl.

Just don't ask him any more questions like that until he is VERY CLEAR on the When To Lie To Me rules Hasta~

 

[Ethyl]

I asked him what helped him arrive at that decision and he said basically because she had really large breasts and he likes large breasts and that she just has one of those "perfect petite bodies and cute round faces, that all guys like".

Sadly, that's the comment most women dread hearing and it implies that you fail to meet the standards for physical attractiveness. I'm sure he probably didn't mean to imply anything, but that's how it comes across.

I just can't shake that one comment about "the rest of my life, yeah, I'd choose her"....I mean, damn, that's harsh. I don't even think he realizes it hurt my feelings,

Again, i'm willing to bet he didn't realise how it would make you feel. It's natural and good to talk about past relationships and partners, but comparisons usually lead to hurt feelings. My rule is "if you don't want to know, don't ask". That goes both ways, of course.

 

[Rick P. Silent]

It is my experience, for the most part, everybody wants to deep-down believe they are not only the best ever, but the first ever.

If a woman presses me for information I will respond, "Darling, being with you makes it impossible for me to even remember being with anyone else."

And if my past is THAT "important" to them I figure it actually means, "I want to have a reason to be angry/distance myself from you later."

 

[bluekarma]

Yeah, that comment is the worst. And I like your rule, who knows what gets into me sometimes (I guess, in my defense, I did forget to mentinon, he asked me the same sort of question the day before)??? Anyway...thanks for the reply:smile: .

Sadly, that's the comment most women dread hearing and it implies that you fail to meet the standards for physical attractiveness. I'm sure he probably didn't mean to imply anything, but that's how it comes across.

Again, i'm willing to bet he didn't realise how it would make you feel. It's natural and good to talk about past relationships and partners, but comparisons usually lead to hurt feelings. My rule is "if you don't want to know, don't ask". That goes both ways, of course.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

If I asked the question, I wouldn't be upset with the answer.

 

[stretcher74]

Yeah, that comment is the worst. And I like your rule, who knows what gets into me sometimes (I guess, in my defense, I did forget to mentinon, he asked me the same sort of question the day before)??? Anyway...thanks for the reply:smile: .


I think you should just get a talking mirror and program it to tell you you're the prettiest of them all. Solved.

 

[ClaireTalon]

Well, unless he's so needy that you're the only one who takes the burden of having sex with him, there has had to be one reason for him to choose you, and to have good sex with you. That's all that really matters to me, I mean: We all have these crushes, a man or a woman that we'd choose any time to spend the rest of our lifes with. That doesn't make everyone else ugly, of course it's an awkward moment if you're told that you're only number two on his list, but I could shrug it off. Obviously, if he had access to that other girl, he wouldn't be screwing you, would he? So, you may not be the absolute number one, but for the moment, and probably a long time moment, you are the number one.

 

[Blocko]

For any successful relationship you have to accept two people... the other and the self.

To accept the other, you must first accept how the other sees you and that they find it attractive. That the image they have of you is one they are not only attracted to, but want to be with. Otherwise, how can you believe that what they want/love/cherish is actually you?

I believe this is the biggest danger in any relationship.

 

[AlteredEgo]

If I asked the question, I wouldn't be upset with the answer.

Quoted to avoice plagiarism.

 

[Duchess_athena]

The best thing to do when in a relationship is not to ask about the pest because only the future matters the past is only a problem if it gets involved with your future. Try to put yours and his ex's out of your mind other wise it is like they are right there in bed with you and you will only have more problems that way.

I know from experience hun.

I wish you the best darlin

 

[bluekarma]

I think you should just get a talking mirror and program it to tell you you're the prettiest of them all. Solved.

Okay, I deserved that. Thanks for the reality check, really.

Well, unless he's so needy that you're the only one who takes the burden of having sex with him, there has had to be one reason for him to choose you, and to have good sex with you. That's all that really matters to me, I mean: We all have these crushes, a man or a woman that we'd choose any time to spend the rest of our lifes with. That doesn't make everyone else ugly, of course it's an awkward moment if you're told that you're only number two on his list, but I could shrug it off. Obviously, if he had access to that other girl, he wouldn't be screwing you, would he? So, you may not be the absolute number one, but for the moment, and probably a long time moment, you are the number one.

Wish I were as confident as you Claire. I don't like being only number two. Call me vain, self centered, yeah, I guess I'm all of that, but I don't.

For any successful relationship you have to accept two people... the other and the self.

To accept the other, you must first accept how the other sees you and that they find it attractive. That the image they have of you is one they are not only attracted to, but want to be with. Otherwise, how can you believe that what they want/love/cherish is actually you?

I believe this is the biggest danger in any relationship.

This is exactly what I struggle with. You put it so plainly, and make it sound so easy...yet for me, it is very difficult. Thank you though, for giving me somewhere to start.

If I asked the question, I wouldn't be upset with the answer.

You're right.

The best thing to do when in a relationship is not to ask about the pest because only the future matters the past is only a problem if it gets involved with your future. Try to put yours and his ex's out of your mind other wise it is like they are right there in bed with you and you will only have more problems that way.

I know from experience hun.

I wish you the best darlin

Yeah, I know....I'm learning as I go, I suppose.

 

[Duchess_athena]

Yes I know it is hard but you have to live in the moments you have cause tomorrow is no garantee for anyone. So let him know it hurt but you are not going to worry about cause you enjoy what you two have together and plan on enjoying it much more.

Life is preiceless and is to short to waste

 

[AlteredEgo]

Wish I were as confident as you Claire. I don't like being only number two. Call me vain, self centered, yeah, I guess I'm all of that, but I don't.

But that was Claire's point. You are NOT number two. You are number one, and no one else is even on the list- especially not someone from the past. If she was still number one, what was he doing on a nice hike with you?

 

[bluekarma]

Thank you for that perspective Rick.....you might be on to something with that.

It is my experience, for the most part, everybody wants to deep-down believe they are not only the best ever, but the first ever.

If a woman presses me for information I will respond, "Darling, being with you makes it impossible for me to even remember being with anyone else."

And if my past is THAT "important" to them I figure it actually means, "I want to have a reason to be angry/distance myself from you later."

 

[ClaireTalon]

<.> Wish I were as confident as you Claire. I don't like being only number two. Call me vain, self centered, yeah, I guess I'm all of that, but I don't. <.>

Give yourself some credit, CG. You're not self-centered, I also want to be number one all the time. But I can live with being the actual number one, the one on the accessible list, even if all positions in front of me are taken by women he has had, or dreams of having and will never have. Heads up, honey: Those rankings are not set in stone. You can make rank, I think, and I'm not talking about plastic surgery here. Probably you'll become more attractive to him as your time together goes by, at least there's a chance that might happen.

 

[bluekarma]

Oooh. Well, when you put it that way, heh...makes me feel better, and of course you're right. I'm dense on top of being immature it seems. But FWIW, this is helping me grow, I think....I hope .

But that was Claire's point. You are NOT number two. You are number one, and no one else is even on the list- especially not someone from the past. If she was still number one, what was he doing on a nice hike with you?