learned a secret about my wife

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by CALAMBO, Sep 25, 2008.

  1. CALAMBO

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    ladies and gents....longtime married guy here...recently learned from sister in law that my wife of 25 yrs had an abortion before i met here...wife has chose to not tell me..i am sure she has her reasons...should i ask about it??..or let sleeping dogs alone...yes we all have secrets and maybe this is one she chooses to take to her grave???..i can live with it but it is on my mind..
     
  2. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Anything that happens before a relationship starts is none of your business.
    One would question the motives of her sisters for telling you this.

    Oh and by the way airing your wifes secrets on a public forum is one of the lowest acts around.
    You are scum.
     
  3. killerb

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    if it really doesn't bother you that she chose to keep this secret from you before you got married, maybe you should keep pretending not to know...

    if it stays on your mind, just ask her about it...

    if she refuses to talk about it, the subject might be too painful for her to deal with...

    this is really interesting to me because I know a couple who's planning to get married and they both have big secrets that the other doesn't know about...in the woman's case, she had an abortion a few years ago & he doesn't know about it.
     
  4. Rubenesque

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    To be honest I think you should just let it go... if she's never told you then it's probably because it's something that she just doesn't want to talk about, 25yrs ago there was still alot of shame surrounding abortions and she may well be scarred by it. And while you can live with it, she may feel very uncomfortable about you knowing and that could have a knock on effect on your relationship.

    Just don't judge her, none of us is perfect.

    I just thank my lucky stars that I've never been in that position myself, but I had a wild couple of years in my youth, so it was more luck than good judgement that I was never caught out!
     
  5. B_Monster

    B_Monster New Member

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    I don't think she should have kept the secrect, a relationship is all about honesty no matter what any idiot may say. Id ask about it so that the integrity and honesty may stay intact. Good luck buddy.
     
  6. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I would let it go, it is obviously something that she didn't want to deal with or I'm sure she would have told you. Abortion is a difficult topic for people who have had one, so how about not bringing it up.


    ps. you're not scum, the person who suggested so is.
     
  7. javyn

    javyn New Member

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    That's fucking bullshit, and completely moronic that you'd say such a thing. So, some sex offender or pedophile, rapist or whatever gets married, you are saying his wife has no right to know about it or care since it happened before the relationship started? What about STDs?

     
  8. cason

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    What? I don't really see how those two things are relevant to each other.

    Another aspect to consider here however is her feelings toward her sister if you tell her how you came to know this. It's likely she could lose that relationship through the huge sense of betrayal she'll rightly feel. She doesn't deserve to lose someone else over this after all this time. Her sister should have known better and respected her path and your relationship . If you love her, it's HER past and you should be big and protect her from re-opening old wounds she's possibly healed on her own.

    I realize it must be hard for you, but anything that big in someone's heart has to be left totally with them to own and share if and when they feel ready, maybe never. We all have pain we can't find the words for and communicate sometimes, even with our most loved ones and it's not a sign of whether she trusts or loves you enough. Forcing the subject on her will make her feel exposed and vulnerable and that's the last thing you want, I'm sure.
     
    #8 cason, Sep 25, 2008
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2008
  9. fallon2

    fallon2 New Member

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    If she had wanted to let you know she WOULD have. You have a secrets she doesn't know. Let it be.
     
  10. CALAMBO

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    thx to all that gave input...i personally did not think i was scum for asking...to me this is a private forum and respect the persons opinions...yes i am going to keep this to myself...and not discuss with my wife, her secret must be hers and i will live with it...abortion in the early days was very violent subject...and still is...a womans right is just that....her drunken sister let it slip to me illustrating her ability to keep a secret...she had thought wife had told me, i never let on as to not hurt her feelings for betraying a family secret..our children do not need to know this about thier mother...to re-open an old wound my cause more pain to the person i love....i see no gain from discussing any further with anyone...thanks again for the re-enforcement..
     
  11. Riven650

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    Hi Calambo,
    I also want to say that the person who called you scum is being very nasty. I really don't see anything wrong with discussing this matter here. Your wife cannot be identified through this forum so how can it hurt her? You need to bounce this off friends and we're here for you.

    I think the main reason she's kept it to herself is because a lot of people disapprove of abortion. She may have been thinking of telling you about it but chickened out because she wasn't yet 100% confident that you'd be cool with it. Then time elapsed and she felt awkward about springing it on you. The problem now is that you have a secret from her too - ie. she doesn't know that you know. I honestly think it's not good for couples to have secrets from each other so I suggest you let your wife know her sister blurted it out when she was a bit drunk, but be quick to reassure her that you don't have any problem with the fact that she once has an abortion. Or do you have a problem with it?
     
  12. hung_proper1978

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    LOL. Well for some reason women say that we men have no business knowing their past. I've heard this many times myself.

    But for some reason you better tell her your past.

    wtf
     
  13. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    There was nothing at all confrontational or nasty from the OP. He is completely anonymous on this forum and came on asking for straight forward advice. Fortunately there are plenty of people here who were able to offer reasonable opinions.


    It's people like you at this site who make me sick. Get over yourself. If you had nothing constructive to add to the thread then it would have been far better to STFU. :rolleyes:
     
  14. CALAMBO

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    RIVEN...you have raised a good point...i was raised in a christian household...abortion is off limits...to discuss and only bad people would do such a thing...we have a dgtr and son who have had children out of wedlock...we love them more than anything.....i have to think i agree it is a woman's right to choose...glad i am not a woman to live with such a decision..thus i can only think this was her private reason at the time she made it....i may have to re-think abortion before i can answer your question...when it hits close to home it means more than on television...and you are right about this secret..it is eating at me, to bring it to the open will be painful for us both..and is it worth it???...will we be stronger or will my oposition to abortion hurt our re-lationship??...folks..keep your family secrets to yourself...still thinking here
     
  15. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I guess it's important to remember that she probably didn't want to have it, but circumstances required it. You may not have been happily married to her right now had she not gone through with it.
     
  16. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    The other side of this is the fact that she is keeping this secret may well be eating away at her. Being able to discuss it with you may help her greatly if you were to deal with it in the right way. It may come as a great relief to her to be able to unburden to you.

    Of course only you know your wife well enough to be able to assess whether or not to start the discussion and if you think it would be beneficial.
     
  17. Maia

    Maia New Member

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    Leave it alone. I have a few friends that have had abortions and it is not something they have totally recovered from no matter how many years later. Talking about it with you would likely stir it all up like it was yesterday and that is not something you should do to someone you love. I don't want to sound too Yogi Guru or anything but if your higher spiritual selves (yours and your wifes) really need to explore this together, it will happen. Otherwise don't push it would be my advice. Try to love her from her perspective on this.
     
  18. B_lrgeggs

    B_lrgeggs New Member

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    Colambo,

    I think when Dragonfly says you are SCUM, she means you are:
    Such a Caring Understanding Man.
     
  19. got_lost

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    DaveyR has a point.

    For whatever reason she decided not to tell you when you were dating. (understandable really)
    Then as time wore on it would have gotten harder and harder for her to tell you for fear of losing you.
    Now she must feel it IMPOSSIBLE to tell you.

    It doesn't mean she doesn't want you to know.
    But her fear of losing you would always out balance the need for you to know.



    Hey..... if you're scum then I am too cos I am sure I've shared my husbands secret round here somewhere :redface: :cool:
     
  20. D_N Flay Table

    D_N Flay Table New Member

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    imho its really none of your business.
     
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