Left at the altar: What should I say to her?

[rob_just_rob]

I did not mean for it to sound mad, when he agreed with me. But I was upset when he so eloquently said "fuck you , bitch"

If you're going to quote me, kindly do so without inserting your own edits into text I wrote. Thanks.

Beyond that, if it makes you happy, you can think whatever you want of me, although I'm curious as to why it makes a difference to you.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

He's a she mem.

 

[Mem]

If you're going to quote me, kindly do so without inserting your own edits into text I wrote. Thanks.

Beyond that, if it makes you happy, you can think whatever you want of me, although I'm curious as to why it makes a difference to you.

You should know better not to involve yourself in other people's fights.

 

[Mem]

He's a she mem.

Oh, okay I had no way of knowing that. Anyway she has me on ignore, then off, then on.

 

[rob_just_rob]

You should know better not to involve yourself in other people's fights.

I asked a simple question. If you didn't want me involved, you could have answered it, or not responded at all.

Now my interest is piqued. What's up with you?

 

[transformer_99]

It's not so bad that she didn't get married to the guy, that's actually a blessing in disguise, he showed what he's made of. Nail the mf'er with child support ! If she lets him get off & out of that, that in my opinion is the worst that could come of all this. He'll wish he had gone thru with it and married her. Then again, I might be too soon to judge. Recently a co-worker had a child, most of us in the office assumed it was with her husband. Turns out she had an affair with another co-worker who was married with 1 child and another one on the way with his current wife and now it's just one big f'ed up mess.

 

[snoozan]

as a "vendor" for this sort of thing, i'd give all of her money back to her. i'd feel similarly with gifts-- i'd want her to take my gift, keep it if she wants, or return it to the store and buy herself something otherwise. though i realize she'll feel obligated to try to return gifts, i imagine at least some will feel the way i do. i wonder if having a friend call and offer to return the gifts would be better than her having to make all those calls?

it's good that she's got such good friends like you, AE. it will make all the difference in the world to her.

 

[AlteredEgo]

It's not so bad that she didn't get married to the guy, that's actually a blessing in disguise, he showed what he's made of. Nail the mf'er with child support ! If she lets him get off & out of that, that in my opinion is the worst that could come of all this. He'll wish he had gone thru with it and married her...

Not only the child support, but any unreturned expenses. I told her to sue for emotional damages as well. Because she doesn't know where he is, notice can only be sent to his last known address which is their apartment. When he doesn not receive the notice, he'll fail to show. The judge may order notice to be sent one final time if the judge is extremely lenient, but in most cases, judgement is immediately found in favor of the complainant. With a judgement, she can garnish his wages until all is paid. She might not do it out of fear that he won't have enough to support his 10 year old down in Texas, or that he'll stop working and be unable to support that child. As for their own child, if she is in fact pregnant (and I really think she is despite having had a spotty period three weeks ago) she is not likely to seek support. She'd rather have nothing to do with him at all. He has no idea she's been nauseous for over a month. She was planning to take a home pregnancy test at a get-together we were going to have the night before the wedding (no reason to remain sober at the reception if no chicks are in the basket) and have it be a thrilling announcement made to him before all their guests. They were trying to get pregnant. This was good news.

as a "vendor" for this sort of thing, i'd give all of her money back to her. i'd feel similarly with gifts-- i'd want her to take my gift, keep it if she wants, or return it to the store and buy herself something otherwise. though i realize she'll feel obligated to try to return gifts, i imagine at least some will feel the way i do. i wonder if having a friend call and offer to return the gifts would be better than her having to make all those calls?

it's good that she's got such good friends like you, AE. it will make all the difference in the world to her.

You know, it did occur to me to call her friend from work and ask her to help me coordinate the gift return. If she has to give back her microwave oven, I'm going to replace it. I hadn't bought my gift yet. I've been out of town. I was planning to give her $100 at the reception, I'm going to take that and get her a ridiculously expensive pedicure in the posh salon across from her job after her first day back. (Who the hell ever heard of $75 for a damn' pedicure?) I took her there once before and had sticker shock for a week. It does come with a 5 minute neck and shoulder rub, however, as your nails dry.

 

[naughty]

Hearing this hurts me to my heart. I am so sorry your friend had to go through this. I know you have been warning her about him for a while though. But when hormones, ego and need collide they are a grand recipe for self deception. I am so glad you are there for her. I cant even imagine if she is indeed pregnant what she is going through . No one needs that. People wonder how women can become out of control and controlling this is just the type of thing that takes them there.

 

[Osiris]

do not say anything ...right now I think she needs a few good listeners.......she wants to vent.......just be there with an open ear...and respond to her....it will be ok as long as she has support from good friends

Arliss nailed it. Not to mention she is probably well aware of how you all felt and is doing enough mental "I told you so" on her own. She may even say something like, "Sorry I didn't listen to you." or "Why didn't I listen to you when you said he was no good?" Just role with it and if you have to say something, just say something to the affect of "don't worry about that, we're here for you now" and that's the only thing she should think about.

Sounds like you are being good friends and that is very hard to come by in these hard times and situations of the heart gone horridly bad.

 

[AlteredEgo]

There are no buns in anyone's ovens, and overproof vodka is back on the agenda! I'm on my way over there with some Ensure, since she is still nauseous, and can only keep down liquids. A visit to a physician seems indicated, but not impending. We'll keep pressuring her. Meanwhile, thanks for all of theadvice, folks.

Hearing this hurts me to my heart. I am so sorry your friend had to go through this. I know you have been warning her about him for a while though. But when hormones, ego and need collide they are a grand recipe for self deception. I am so glad you are there for her. I cant even imagine if she is indeed pregnant what she is going through . No one needs that. People wonder how women can become out of control and controlling this is just the type of thing that takes them there.

Yeah. You can imagine why I didn't know what to say other than, "Awww. I'm so sorry." Last night, she was in the mood to male bash, so we watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman and talked trash.

Arliss nailed it. Not to mention she is probably well aware of how you all felt and is doing enough mental "I told you so" on her own. She may even say something like, "Sorry I didn't listen to you." or "Why didn't I listen to you when you said he was no good?" Just role with it and if you have to say something, just say something to the affect of "don't worry about that, we're here for you now" and that's the only thing she should think about.

Sounds like you are being good friends and that is very hard to come by in these hard times and situations of the heart gone horridly bad.

Yeah, the first thing she said when she thought about going back to work was "Oh. [groan] I am not looking forward to work. [Insert name of bizare co-worker] said she wouldn't even come to my wedding, or let her daughter be my flower girl because she thought I was making such a huge mistake. How can I face all those people? And...and... They took up a collection! They collected $700 for us! [erruption od sobs]." That woman better not say anything!

I told her that we all do one (or a few) big, insane things that everyone else could see were poor choices. We all have to learn some things the hard way. Some things can only be learned in the school of hard knocks. There's no shame in it, it's just the way it is. That seemed to make her feel a bit better.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Oy. Vey ist meir. UPDATE:

Where was he? He was in jail because there were a few little things left to pay, and he didn't have the cash. Rather than trust his wife-to-be with that information so that she could help decide how to solve the problem, he hooked up with some old friends, and hit the streets to sell drugs. Another friend of his needed help, so he let him help sell. The friend started a deal with undercovers, and my friend's fiance made the cops as cops and tried to shut the deal down. The helping friend got greedy, and sold nearly all their holdings to the cops. They were, for reasons I cannot now remember, unable to escape the scene, and were arrested. He was too ashamed to call my friend and tell her what he'd done, and where it landed him. Our investigation involved following the calls made from his cell phone, and the GPS location of the phone. This is what made us believe at the time that the fiance had never intended to show for the wedding. As it turns out, he'd passed his phone off to an acquaintance before he was arrested. We were following a bad lead.

Anyway. They fought they got back together, we all urged harder than ever for her to leave him alone. We pointed to his poor judgment, his deceit, and his history of disappearing on her. (He disappeared many times when they were dating.) They got back together. They set a second date. He bailed again. We, her friends, were so distraught! She's such a nice person. How anyone could be so cruel to her is beyond our comprehension. This time, we searched the prison system for him, using his ID number given him by NYS Dept. of Corrections. He was not in jail or prison in New York. We never did find out where he went. However, he did eventually come back, very sick.

In truth, he'd been sick before the first wedding. I forget what's wrong with him, but he could not always walk the steps to their apartment. He couldn't be carried either, he's 6'5" and very muscular and heavy.So, he'd taken to spending a lot of nights at the home of a relative with no steps. During that time, my friend lost track of him again. She found him in a hospital, but since they were not married, the hospital would not release information to her, and he wasn't strong enough for visitation. For some reason, his relatives would not talk to her. He disappeared again, this time for a couple of years.

He recently came back, and asked her to move down south with him. She did. I would like to visit her, now that she lives so close, but how do I sit in his vicinity and remain calm, and civil? How do I sit in her living room, and sleep in her guest bed, and eat her food without telling her how frightened I am? I'm so afraid for her. I'm so tired of him making her suffer, and so tired of her letting him!

 

[B_subgirrl]

He recently came back, and asked her to move down south with him. She did. I would like to visit her, now that she lives so close, but how do I sit in his vicinity and remain calm, and civil? How do I sit in her living room, and sleep in her guest bed, and eat her food without telling her how frightened I am? I'm so afraid for her. I'm so tired of him making her suffer, and so tired of her letting him!

Oh dear, what a mess. I feel for all involved. I think you should tell your friend all the things you've said in this paragraph. Don't say 'the guy's a wanker' or 'You're an idiot for letting him treat you like this'. Say it like you've said it here - 'I'm so afraid for you' or 'I'm afraid you'll be hurt all over again'.

As to remaining calm and civil, how close is she living? Could you do a flying visit where you don't have to be in the house when he is?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Oh dear, what a mess. I feel for all involved. I think you should tell your friend all the things you've said in this paragraph. Don't say 'the guy's a wanker' or 'You're an idiot for letting him treat you like this'. Say it like you've said it here - 'I'm so afraid for you' or 'I'm afraid you'll be hurt all over again'.

As to remaining calm and civil, how close is she living? Could you do a flying visit where you don't have to be in the house when he is?

Your suggestions are good, in terms of how I can express myself well to her. As for a flying visit, I'd have to plan to do more than visit them, and perhaps stay in a hotel and invite her out to lunch. It's an 8 hour drive, I think. It may be longer. I live in SE Florida, and they are in the middle of GA. I can't just run through.

 

[helgaleena]

I think it is very important to stick to the facts of their history when speaking to her. If needed, write it all down with dates for each item. He is NOT marriage material and never will be. She can love him all she likes but he is not ever going to be the type of parent who will keep up his end of the parenting. If she lets him pollinate her, she is going to have to be prepared to do all the raising and supporting herself.

I still love my incarcerated family members. But they are reaping what they sowed, one way or another, and those who did not sow the same crop cannot mix the two crops successfully. I can give only so much and no more, especially when they don't want what I can afford.

She must put herself first, in order to be of any use to him or herself.

If there is a living room and a guest bed, ask her who is paying the rent. Or if it makes things easier for you, stay in a hotel and meet her in a neutral place.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Yeah, Helgaleena, I think if I visit, I'll stay in a hotel. My husband suggested having her visit us, alone. I think I really cannot deal with having to have any kind of relationship with her man ever again.

I had considered him to be a friend to me as well. One night, the three of us had an amazing adventure ending with me scoring us probably $50 in free pizzas, sodas, sandwiches, and breadsticks. When I was ready to go home, he walked me to my train. My friend stayed behind in her apartment. Since I had him in a good mood, and since I knew talking our way into free food impressed him, I figured it was time for a heart-to-heart. I discussed with him the history of their romance from my perspective, praised him for his fine attributes, and expressed my concern over the issues which bothered me. I was long-winded, but polite and non-accusatory as possible. I asked him to firmly commit to her, with or without paperwork, and ministers and expensive venues. I asked him to fight the urge to flee whenever things are not exactly right. I asked him to let her be a partner in their relationship, rather than someone he has to take care of at all costs. I told him how brokenhearted we all were when he jilted her, and how it stung when her closet was open, and we could see her pretty, white dress still languishing there. He worked his mouth very, very hard to convince me that the past was in the past, and he'd never do anything like that again. I wanted to badly to believe him, and then he missed the second wedding. There are further complications which I am leaving out, but they are not particularly relevant.

SO, I cannot conceive of ever being friends with this monster again.

 

[vince]

When I read the first post and you were wondering what to say to your friend, I was going to suggest saying that "it is very sad, but you dodged a bullet here. Better to find out now that the guy was not marriageable."

Sadly things turned out worse for her than only being jilted. She's back together with the loser. She must love him or the situation in some way, so it's pretty hard to be able to say much of anything now. Oh, choice words come to mind. But nothing that would be helpful.

I think you can only be there for her as a friend with the full knowledge that something bad is going to happen for her. Again and again.

 

[helgaleena]

A positive spin on this all: He might now be living on disability and letting her pay for her half of the household. They might not be planning on the married-with-kids-and-hubby-is-the-provider future, just taking it day by day until his illness takes its final toll.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I think you can only be there for her as a friend with the full knowledge that something bad is going to happen for her. Again and again.

That's the hard part.

A positive spin on this all: He might now be living on disability and letting her pay for her half of the household. They might not be planning on the married-with-kids-and-hubby-is-the-provider future, just taking it day by day until his illness takes its final toll.

Well, she always worked and was responsible for half their bills. In fact, back home, the apartment they shared was hers, and she paid the rent. He bought the food and toiletries. I know this is just awful, but a part of me hopes he'll die soon, but peacefully, and painlessly in his sleep.

 

[simbasa12]

She obviously doesn't think much of herself to be with someone like that. Nothing you can do about it. You have done all that you can so you now have to realize that some people are just wired for self destructive relations and thinking. I think it's a physical abnormality in the brain because I have seen seemingly normal, beautiful and smart people who have low self-esteem, when in fact they have alot more going for them than most people do.