Left Friendless...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rubiks, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. rubiks

    rubiks New Member

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    I'm just writing because I am in need of some advice.
    I'm 18 and just recently came out as gay.
    I knew pretty much my family would be very supportive and they were.
    but everyone else ignores my existance.
    I had a good mix of friends, I play out a local cricket team and also friends from my ocollege, the problem i have is the majority of my friends are male.
    Since i have come out, I hate going down my local cricket club, I play with adults that are in some cases 20 years older than me and joke about it and are fine. but my friends, other players my similair age dont make the effort anymore, they stops talking to me, only talking when they have too and give me funnys looks. They dont even shower anymore they walk staight out.
    Im pretty 'straight acting' and its my surprised my best-friends, I sat him down and told I was gay and he looked shell shocked didnt say much and left not long after, ignored my texts and its pretty much the same with everyone else.
    I'm left in friends who now are girls,which im grateful for but its not the same to me as having a best boy friend. There no one i can talk about sports or anything anymore.
    I've finished college for the summer and never been across the doors with my friends, I used to go into town, satursday and monday nights. no one asks anymore. I used to go to the gym with a bunch of mates thats stopped. I've done nothing but work over the summer. I'm just left alone and a completely empty feeling. I dont know what to do.
     
  2. arthur

    arthur New Member

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    Mate, very sad that in 2010 you have had to experience such isolation. Give you credit for having the strength of self character to come out. Good on ya kid!! Now it is going to sound like a pit pat answer but any friend who has reacted in such a manner is probably not the friend they or you thought they were in the first place. It's basically saying to you we don't like/approve of who you really are and therefore at this point in time we shall choose not to associate ourselves with you.

    Basically mate...fuck em!!

    But having said that you are obviously deeply affected by it, and rightfully so. Firstly, it might help you to meet other gay gentlemen in County Durham. Head out to Newcastle for an evening. Might be terrifying at first but you'd probably be surprised by the number of other fellas who have probably had the same experience as you in the North East.

    Whatever you do...don't beat yourself up over it and don't, I repeat don't feel sorry for yourself. Your a brave and obviously intelligent young man who has had the strength of character to declare his position and sexuality at a very intimidating age. A lot more strength than many of the members of this forum.

    Also remember that some of those 'mates' might be over reacting. 'Shock' value drama acting. They might get over it, they might not. If they do and want to re affirm their friendship with you, you can then make a calm learned decision whether they are worth having in your life again. Till then enjoy the mates that haven't played the 'homophobe' card on you!! For they are the ones worth persuing. I found that most of my friends that I had at 18 are certainly not the ones that have followed me through to my fourth decade. Things really do change and move on. Yes again a cliché...but the do work sometimes!??!

    What don't kill ya makes you stronger!!! Keep your pecker up kid. Remember you have the support of your family.

    And one other tiny tinsy bit of advice...don't use the term 'straight acting'...your 'yourself acting'...
     
    #2 arthur, Aug 18, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2010
  3. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Are you going to university in the fall, Dan?
    That might give you some light at the end of the tunnel.
    I don't really know what to say.
    This situation would be very painful.
    I am somewhat surprised that none of your friends are open-minded and secure enough to remember that you're just the same guy they've had for a friend for years.
     
  4. ryan25yo

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    I'm sorry for your pain....but, the situation says a lot about your so-called friends than it does about you!
     
  5. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    This is a real shameful situation. I'm shocked that your so called friends are behaving like this in 2010. Shame on them and they are not real friends. You probably don't appreciate that sentiment just now though.

    It's already been suggested you get out and about in Newcastle. Coming from rural Northumberland that is exactly what I did quite a few years ago. It opened up my circle of friends to people who were much more gay friendly and open minded. Here is some information for you. The Newcastle scene is very mixed and diverse with lots of straight folks going to the pubs and bars.

    I hope things improve for you.
     
  6. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    I know when I was about your age I went through a couple of tectonic social shifts which caused me to loose whole groups of friends to the mists of time. They weren't related to my sexuality directly, but the effect was similar, it's sort of a natural process it toughens you and teaches you important lessons about friendship, and while loosing friends in this way is painful and unpleasant it's not the end of the world it feels like now. You now have a massive amount of time and energy to put in to building new relationships with the benefit of the knowledge these experiences have given you.
     
  7. sexplease

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    First. I and many countless people in this very short stay on earth are glad you're becoming you with openness and honesty. Everyone wins when we are honest with ourselves and our live and existence.
    Second. At a youthful age, it is not uncommon for for peers to back away for a time in situations like this. The courage you express is right for you, but for others, they may be questioning their own being - sexual or otherwise. They must learn to deal with a new situation and find what they are comfortable with too. It's not you that causes them pause, but rather their own natural insecurities (takes time to live, learn and grow). Some will return, and others may not, but will go on to their destinies. Your paths may or may not cross again. It's all ok though.
    Try not to be to hard on yourself ... or others.
    and third, keep on moving forward into your life - there will be countless opportunities to share with new and old friends. And that's what it's all about in the end.

    a smile and a hug
     
  8. _LUX_

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    I think it's because they don't know how to react to a gay person, maybe you are the first one they know. Later in time, at work or at school, they'll have to be around other gay people and they'll understand it's not a problem. Or maybe they won't; you, just live your life, endure the pain and know that new friends will come by as time goes on, and old ones may return.
     
  9. SpeedoMike

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    look for gay friendly places like a mens gay support group or campus gay alliance group. putting yourself into a gay friendly means you don't have to worry whether a possible friend is gay or not. as time goes on, you should meet straight friends who have maturity enough to accept you.

    as hard as it is, those friends are behind you. realize though, that this happens when making the transition from high school into the adult world.
     
  10. NCbear

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    As some posters have already noted, their response has something to do with their maturity levels. When I was in high school, the guys who knew me then would've ostracized me and acted in all manner of immature ways if I'd come out to them then. But when I reintroduced myself to them again at our 20-year high school class reunion, my man at my side, they were polite, even kind, and very welcoming.

    In short, they'd grown up in the intervening years. You may find that to be true of some of these guys.

    And of course Hilaire and the other posters correct as well: It may be that you simply need to find a more accepting group of people to be your (new) friends.

    Yes, it hurts. When I came out as a sophomore at my undergraduate university, there were all manner of immature responses--included being pointed out as "the" gay man on campus, "so avoid him."

    (Side note: I had the good fortune to overhear one of those conversations, and I was pissed off enough to get out of my usual shyness, so I became confrontational. I said, "I'm right here, dumbass. You're not having any success in avoiding me right now, are you? And besides, you can't avoid me forever: I'm here, and I'm staying. Finally, I'm not the only gay man on campus. I'm just the only one with balls big enough to come out in public. Don't you wish you were brave enough not to have to talk about someone behind his back?" That got around in our undergraduate college of ~3000 students, and apparently several homophobic jackasses learned to respect me after that, judging from what others told me later about how even they respected how I'd handled myself and how eveyone then knew I wouldn't take shit from anyone about being gay.)

    So I guess the take-away from this is that, as others have said, you'll need to focus on what you can do to make yourself a better person, and to grow to be a human being you can respect, and others will gravitate to you regardless of your sexual orientation.

    Because your character will shine, and they'll be attracted to that.

    NCbear (who wishes the OP could also realize that "this too shall pass" :encouraging smile and pat on the back and quick hug:)
     
    #10 NCbear, Aug 21, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2010
  11. avg_joe

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    Find the new friends who can understand your sexual orientation.
     
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