Left on the shelf...

Rugbypup

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If at the age of 40, you have never kissed anyone, man or woman, and had virtually no experience of adult intimacy or sex to speak of, is the use of a prostitute something you would consider?

I am a timid and rather unappealing looking guy, and have spent my whole life unable to approach women for fear that having a smaller cock will be ridiculed and unable to approach men, because of a fucked up sense of self loathing and shame over my sexuality. I also developed a unsightly dermatological condition in my early 20's, all be it thankfully mild, it successfully destroyed my self confidence.

I fear I have become a hopeless case and of late, it's all just getting too much to cope with and the lack of an intimate adult life is crushing me to death. Physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually, I feel wounded. Generally, if not completely, the guys I find attractive will find me unappealing, gay apps are hopeless in such a small city, and I'm so clueless about women that I couldn't approach one if I wanted to.

A slightly promiscuous friend has recently been teasing me with the idea of going to a brothel and visiting a prostitute. He's a complete hetroalpha with no issue over women and sex. He knows i'm shy, possibly bi and perhaps inept, though hopefully not by how much, if he did, I really would die of shame.

If push comes to shove, I would have to go, but am so inexperience, I don't know if I could cope.

Anyone else out there experienced anything similar? What did you do?

But open to anyone really, what would you do?

40 year old virgin or ask a hooker for your first kiss? Decisions, decisions.

Pup.
 

Phil Ayesho

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If at the age of 40, you have never kissed anyone, man or woman, and had virtually no experience of adult intimacy or sex to speak of, is the use of a prostitute something you would consider?

I am a timid and rather unappealing looking guy, and have spent my whole life unable to approach women for fear that having a smaller cock will be ridiculed and unable to approach men, because of a fucked up sense of self loathing and shame over my sexuality. I also developed a unsightly dermatological condition in my early 20's, all be it thankfully mild, it successfully destroyed my self confidence.

I fear I have become a hopeless case and of late, it's all just getting too much to cope with and the lack of an intimate adult life is crushing me to death. Physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually, I feel wounded. Generally, if not completely, the guys I find attractive will find me unappealing, gay apps are hopeless in such a small city, and I'm so clueless about women that I couldn't approach one if I wanted to.

A slightly promiscuous friend has recently been teasing me with the idea of going to a brothel and visiting a prostitute. He's a complete hetroalpha with no issue over women and sex. He knows i'm shy, possibly bi and perhaps inept, though hopefully not by how much, if he did, I really would die of shame.

If push comes to shove, I would have to go, but am so inexperience, I don't know if I could cope.

Anyone else out there experienced anything similar? What did you do?

But open to anyone really, what would you do?

40 year old virgin or ask a hooker for your first kiss? Decisions, decisions.

Pup.
if a virgin at age 40- then you likely have a huge looming issue over that fact and that is the primary reason it seems so elusive for you. Its the proverbial elephant in every social situation. Go to a prostitute- More than just once. Get it over with... find out how you respond, understanding that it might take several tries before you get the hang of it.
Keep going to a prostitute until the huge bugaboo in your own mind fades and sex stops being such a THING for you.
Once you are no longer a virgin... several times over... the anxiety over your sexual inexperience will cease because you will cease to be sexually inexperienced.

I think you may find some prostitutes can be very sweet and understanding with a man in your situation. You can ask them, frankly, what you might do to ensure a woman is enjoying sex with you... and they could be helpful in giving you feedback that MANY of their male patrons simply don't give a damn about.

And once you have desensitized yourself to the looming intimidation of sexuality... go out there and look- you may not be able to win the heart of a super model... but then neither can most men. Look past the superficial, because I guarantee you there are lonely women in New Zealand who would love to find a caring man with which to share their lives.

Those women won't care about your past. They will only judge you on the tenderness and kindness you show for them.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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You're not ever gonna be someone approachable or confident if you talk about yourself as being an inanimate object.

You need to develop a crush on yourself. No one found me attractive until I finally found a way to stop ragging on myself. Everyone thinks they're unattractive. Well, most people I'd say.. but you have to stop comparing yourself to others and valuing looks as much as it seems you might by this post.

It's corny advice, and might sound stupid... But it's never to late to love yourself.
 

Rugbypup

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Cheers for the comments and insights. :)

It's a very difficult subject to deal with really, and it only becomes more difficult the older I get. It makes you feel 40 going on 16 and I despise it.

Having to lie to save face as a male is a hard thing to do, but the crippling shame I feel just reaffirms the feelings of abnormality and unattractiveness I have about myself. Fucked up really. It just seems so natural and effortless for other men to have sexual relationships with whoever they like, guys or girls, like it's instinct. I've just never been like that, but sorely wish I could feel and understand it.

Can I get 'man' lessons, lol.

I did try once to have a relationship, with a guy who pursued me of all things, lol, though truth be told it was very missed matched. Too big of an age gap caused a generational divide in my opinion, we communicated in two totally different and eventually infuriatingly, frustratingly, incompatible ways. As for sex, well, it was a no go thing as he was both far too 'big' downstairs for me and rather unwilling as well and all too soon. The most I got to try was a bit restricted at best but to this day I have no idea if I was even any good.

My biggest single regret by far, is he never kissed me once, even though I tried to. Despite things becoming more of a social convenience between us then an actual adult relationship after a while, I do still have a strong affection for him, and always will, all be it not 'that' way any more. I will always struggle to find it in myself to forgive him for not experiencing more with me nor ever kissing me. Made all the harder by the fact, that now he's moved on in his life, he's having a happy whale of a time doing everything I wanted and more.

I'm pleased for him, I am, but that doesn't stop the jealousy and resentment that just ends up being focused back on oneself for having 'shame issues' over my sexuality. I have seemingly built a prison of my own sexual ineptitude and can not find the depth of soul to get out of it. I know, it's a question of courage I guess but that just serves to mean... I'm a coward. I hate myself all the more for it. My life is becoming a daily replay of the Queen Cersei shame walk from Game of Thrones, lol.

I don't know about sex therapy though. There are sex therapists here in NZ but the little research I've done shows they're more for couples with marital issues.

I am intrigued by the idea of a prostitute though. Straight, bi, gay, at this point, I don't care what I am or feel, I just don't want to be so intimately isolated any more. It's just an idea at the moment though. Would be ideal if there was a sex worker on this site that I could talk and ask questions to.

Tell me, how do our insecurities in life find a way to snowball into chains that bind our very bones to such ridiculous and petty terrors? How can fear become such a tyrannical master that we can no longer even make eye contact with people who might show a faint glimmer of interest in us? Why do we inflict shame and self loathing on ourselves until we come to hate what the mirror sees and then accept it all as the righteous, proper and the destined stance for our life?

How do we get so fucked up?

Oh well...
 
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rayray

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Cheers for the comments and insights. :)

It's a very difficult subject to deal with really, and it only becomes more difficult the older I get. It makes you feel 40 going on 16 and I despise it.

Having to lie to save face as a male is a hard thing to do, but the crippling shame I feel just reaffirms the feelings of abnormality and unattractiveness I have about myself. Fucked up really. It just seems so natural and effortless for other men to have sexual relationships with whoever they like, guys or girls, like it's instinct. I've just never been like that, but sorely wish I could feel and understand it.

Can I get 'man' lessons, lol.

I did try once to have a relationship, with a guy who pursued me of all things, lol, though truth be told it was very missed matched. Too big of an age gap caused a generational divide in my opinion, we communicated in two totally different and eventually infuriatingly, frustratingly, incompatible ways. As for sex, well, it was a no go thing as he was both far too 'big' downstairs for me and rather unwilling as well and all too soon. The most I got to try was a bit restricted at best but to this day I have no idea if I was even any good.

My biggest single regret by far, is he never kissed me once, even though I tried to. Despite things becoming more of a social convenience between us then an actual adult relationship after a while, I do still have a strong affection for him, and always will, all be it not 'that' way any more. I will always struggle to find it in myself to forgive him for not experiencing more with me nor ever kissing me. Made all the harder by the fact, that now he's moved on in his life, he's having a happy whale of a time doing everything I wanted and more.

I'm pleased for him, I am, but that doesn't stop the jealousy and resentment that just ends up being focused back on oneself for having 'shame issues' over my sexuality. I have seemingly built a prison of my own sexual ineptitude and can not find the depth of soul to get out of it. I know, it's a question of courage I guess but that just serves to mean... I'm a coward. I hate myself all the more for it. My life is becoming a daily replay of the Queen Cersei shame walk from Game of Thrones, lol.

I don't know about sex therapy though. There are sex therapists here in NZ but the little research I've done shows they're more for couples with marital issues.

I am intrigued by the idea of a prostitute though. Straight, bi, gay, at this point, I don't care what I am or feel, I just don't want to be so intimately isolated any more. It's just an idea at the moment though. Would be ideal if there was a sex worker on this site that I could talk and ask questions to.

Tell me, how do our insecurities in life find a way to snowball into chains that bind our very bones to such ridiculous and petty terrors? How can fear become such a tyrannical master that we can no longer even make eye contact with people who might show a faint glimmer of interest in us? Why do we inflict shame and self loathing on ourselves until we come to hate what the mirror sees and then accept it all as the righteous, proper and the destined stance for our life?

How do we get so fucked up?

Oh well...
You seem like an intelligent person, maybe to smart for your own good . You seem to understand why you are a 40 virgin . A prostitute may get you laid but after paying a pro for sex you might think thats the only way it's goina happen again. One on one with a Psychologist may be another way to get to the root of your insecurities and low self-esteem.