Lesser lovers

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dongalong, Jul 12, 2009.

  1. dongalong

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    So everything else is great about your partner but sexually they don't live up to your hopes and expectations, maybe they're selfish, sexually limited, physically incompatible, lazy, don't enjoy sex etc. Whatever the problem, there are warning signs about your future sexual satisfaction with that person.

    I have a friend that ignored early signs of sexual problems but got married anyway and remained frustrated since. Personally, I'd rather end it and try to find someone more sexually compatible even if it means being alone for a while.

    What would you do or what have you done about lesser lovers in the past?
     
  2. SpeedoGuy

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    Its a two edged sword. Sex is only one part of a relationship and it fades over time in a long term relationship according to my experience and observations.

    On the other hand, I wouldn't deny that sexual compatibility is important, especially early on. Problems in that part of a relationship may indicate masked problems in another.

    Bottom line: Probably better to end it.
     
  3. greekgott

    greekgott New Member

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    One cannot give a generalised solution. While sex is important, it is not the only factor in a relationship. More important is whether the people love each other. When that is the case, they will be open to adjustments and many problems will after a certain time nicht mehr exist. But it depends on both the persons in the relationship. It requires patience.
     
  4. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    I'm personally going through this crisis at the moment - I have been with my girlfriend for 18 months but the only time we have sex that's to any good standard is when she is drunk. When sober, she is such a prude with hardly any sex drive, does not do handjobs when she is on a period and doesn't do blowjobs or basically anything sexual unless we're having full sex (then she allows herself to be pleasured and again, no blowjobs)

    She talks of marriage etc but I fear that if I get married I'll be placed in a situation where I cheat on her in order to be sexually satisfied (which I do not condone) but sometimes I just feel this way.

    However, I love her and would not want to lose her as a partner.
     
  5. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Sex is an important thing in a relation. It's a way to show you love your partner, a way to share intimacy. Sex would be important in my relationship and if my partner don't like it, we need help from outside otherwise a relation won't work.
     
  6. Tommy56

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    Isn't this the classic dilemma? Sex as a fundimental human desire and sex as a higher form of communication required for emotional fulfillment. I think that 'Capacity' voices well, the primary concern, if we employ a little foresight. That is, you may well end up cheating to find what you think you need. This is not an easy thing. Good luck. Is marriage the only possible destiny for the relationship? If so, Why?
     
  7. Kimahri

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    Anyway, sex is just part of the equation. There's got to be something more, but if you put an emphasis on sex and it's "disappointing", then you'd best move on.
     
    #7 Kimahri, Jul 12, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2009
  8. dongalong

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    So to be happy there aren't many solutions:

    Honest solutions:
    - You leave him/her
    - You try to change him/her
    - You learn to control your hormones and focus on everything other than sex

    Bad solutions:
    - You find someone who will satisfy your desires sexually but stay with the person you love because you want the best of both worlds and are willing to cheat.
    - You force/blackmail that person to give you what you want
    - Drug, hypnotize or brainwash that person into changing their ideas

    I suppose that having sex as soon as possible after meeting and being honest to yourself and the other will save a lot of heartache in the long run.
     
  9. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    My theory is that if you love someone but you put a lot of emphasis on sex in your relationship then it will never truly work if you are not satisfied with them as a lover.
     
  10. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    I totally agree about this. I see sex as a way of proving my love for my partner and her lack of interest in participating in any sexual contact makes me feel rejected and makes me question her feelings and intentions in me as a person, and the relationship. Now, think of that as you will and comment; but remember that these are my feelings and not necessarily the intended outcome of my partner's actions.

    I see that marriage is the logical 'next step'. We are great friends and share a mutual interest in spending time with each other and we love each other deeply. We also share the same ambition to marry, settle down and have children so why not do it together?
     
  11. cbrmale

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    My wife was sort-of like this. We got on amazingly well from day one and there was an undeniable sexual attraction between us. She was a virgin and I was experienced, so I took it gradually with her, and she got more relaxed with sex. She was also forever horny, and never said no. Still doesn't.

    What went wrong was we reached a sort-of basic level and she levelled off and wouldn't go further. It was short of intermediate in my book, and while we continued to enjoy frequent good sex, I missed those things that had been standard with previous partners. I tried talking it through with her, but it seemed the more I talked the more entrenched she became. It was a shame, because all she had to do was let go, take away a few restrictions, and take charge once in a while.

    It took some doing, but I got her to agree to watch some couples sex instructional videos as they were at the time. They were fantastic, real couples having great sex, and nothing left to the imagination. I knew she wanted to be like the women in those videos, she wanted to do those things and have them done to her. She changed overnight to intermediate level. Still no anal sex and a few other things like that, but very good.

    Fortunately for me the basics were there in that we have always found each other sexually desirable, and we both have similar sex drives. But my experience shows me that talking together, possibly counselling, and perhaps something like I did may be enough to reach satisfaction for a couple. One may still need to compromise downwards a little, and the other upwards a little, but the mid-point may be good enough for both.
     
  12. dongalong

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    Interesting post cbrmale and lucky man, sounds like you've found a great woman.

    Your story got me wondering if your partner did everything you wanted straight away there would be no challenge and you might get bored of them sooner rather than later, has this happened to anyone?
     
  13. cbrmale

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    Dongalong,
    I can't imagine anyone getting bored with sex with a woman you love. Even routine slow sex on a Sunday morning can take on a magical aura if you're truly in love. The special things happen at special times, and the routine happens most of the time. A quick estimate would have my wife and I having sex about 5,000 times.

    Beyond love and lust for one-another, the big thing is to have similar sex drives in terms of frequency. Beyond that, typically one partner is more adventurous than the other, which in our case is me, and my wife is more than willing to experiment with a few tasty variations like light bondage and discipline, playing games and the winner having their way with the loser, outdoor sex (one she loves) and these sort of things.

    The one thing I miss which she won't do is anal sex, but I console myself that it's because of my size.

    If you've done everything, then it's time to think creatively or do some research for your next experimentative session.
     
  14. goodwood

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    excellent question dongalong.

    this is why i have personally taken a stance that i will not be in a serious relationship with a woman that i have not had excellent sex with first. hence the not dating a virgin thing, much less not having sex (virgin or not) until marriage.

    if the sex is not excellent or at least good enough to keep me happy and she is not willing to change anything about her routine, then no. couples must be sexually compatible in my estimation.

    in my experience, with women that were bad lovers and refused to try anything other than being bad in bed - they were tossed out like last week's left over chinese.
     
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