Lesson Learned

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by studboysouth, Nov 30, 2004.

  1. studboysouth

    studboysouth New Member

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    I learned a valuable lesson tonight...keep my mouth shut.
    My vocalizing my honest opinion to my friend about his relationship with his gal has costed us a friendship. Over the past few months, I have told my friend on several different occasions that the things he tells me that he and his girlfriend do are very immature. He also tells me about things that his girlfriend does, and I tell him that I think it is very immature and dysfunctional. I've also told him that when he says these things to me, it makes me wish he had a more mature, professional type of woman. Well, over time, these things built up to the point where my friend thought that I didn't want him to be with this girl. To be completely honest, I didn't. I didn't like the fact that since he met this girl, he has almost gotten fired from his job, he lies and is deceitful, that he has allowed this girl to come between him and his friends, yada yada. But my mistake was that I should have just let him live with it and not voiced my opinion. I should have let him keep being immature. Even when he would come to me and say his gal was a "basketcase" or she was "fucking crazy," I should have just listened and not taken it seriously. I really thought the boy was reaching out to me and saying his girl was nuts and that he wanted someone more stable. But he wasn't. He really loved his basketcase! All along, I was undermining our friendship by trying to introduce him to more professional educated women. I thought that is what he wanted. He would always tell me how he wanted to move into a more mature crowd of professional people. Obviously, I was wrong to try and "help" him. So recently, when my friend got busted for having cheated on his girlfriend, he felt as though I didn't do enough to keep him from getting busted. We were at a bar, and this girl was plotting to tell his gal that he had cheated on her. I told him to leave...three times. But he never left. So the girl told his gal about him cheating on her....this happened in the ladies room. My friend said that I didn't do "enough" to prevent it because deep down inside, I wanted her to tell his girlfriend so they could break up. He has pinned the whole thing on me given the history of my telling him that I thought the things he and his girlfriend did were really immature and that I would prefer to see him in a more mature relationship. He says that my statements are indicative that I would not do everything in my power to help keep him and his girlfriend together. That I saw an opportunity for them to break up, so I sat back and let it happen. So his gal broke up with him, but, of course, she is taking him back. She doesn't know that he really DID cheat on her. But what he did was 1) deny the fact that he really cheated, and 2) blame the whole thing on me...that I in fact allowed the girl to tell his gal that he had cheated by not doing "enough" to prevent her from telling his gal. So now his girl thinks the whole thing is my fault, and to validate it, he has to be mad at me...which means we cannot be friends anymore. He honestly feels like this is my fault. His girl believes it is my fault. I lost a friend in the whole deal. Maybe if early on I had just kept my mouth shut? I honestly and truly felt like the things I was saying are true...and let me tell you, they really are incredibly immature and dysfunctional. But it wasn't my place to say it. I shoulda kept my mouth shut!
    oh well.

    lesson learned.
     
  2. ashlar

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    I think that in keeping your mouth shut you wouldnt have been being a very good friend. I look to my friends to voice their opinions and help me think through things. None of them would ever leave me to rot just because they did not approve of someone I was dateing. Conversly, I would never be angry at them for offering their opinions and advice.

    It seems to me that your friend is the one who made some choices for himself. I fail to see where you should feel guilty for the choices HE made. You did what you could to help ... he'll come around eventually I reckon.
     
  3. logman

    logman Member

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    Wow - who needs a friend who complains about his girlfriend, cheats on her and then blames you for it because you agreed with his original complaints? I have learned that keeping my mouth shut makes me a better listener - and maybe your lesson will help you keep a more worthwhile friend in the future :)
     
  4. logman

    logman Member

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    (Previous reply intended for studboy - I tend to agree with Ashlar
    :) )
     
  5. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.

    When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

    When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

    When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

    When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

    When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

    This is my oath; I pledge till the end.

    Why you may ask?

    Because you're my friend.
    (anon.)

    -------------------

    Girlfriends are temporary. True friends are forever - - he'll come back. Just be there when he does.
     
  6. Lex

    Lex
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    Agreement with Pecker. True friends tell their friends the unpopular thing that they need to hear. Always. It's better that way.
     
  7. wonderland

    wonderland Member

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    You did nothing wrong. He might be your friend but he is an asshole. Just the fact that he blames you for the GF finding out he is a cheater makes me think you are way to good for him. He needed a scape goat and you were it. It is hard to lose a friend but I think you will be better off. Maybe someone he will grow up and realize what a jerk he was to you.
     
  8. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I agree 100%.

    I cant remember where I read this but:

    "A true friend is someone who can completely and hounestly tell you everything that is wrong about you"

    He wasnt a true friend, he should have listened, and he is only proveing this further by useing you as a scapegoat.
     
  9. Imported

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    lighthouse: Move on to other things.

    He's the one who cheated, and when the shit hits the fan it's your fault?

    Spend more time with people who give you less headaches.
     
  10. jonb

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    HE cheated on her and YOU'RE to blame? Heh. Women . . . My advice: Don't feel sorry for his cheating. You didn't know about it, and barring that she's kin, you aren't obligated to tell anyone if you do know. Doesn't anyone read the male FAQ anymore?
     
  11. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    All the above is good advice. If he is a true friend, he'll come crawling back, if n ot then he wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.
     
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