Letter I cant send

Ki_re478

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Hey, I'm not really expecting responses to this; this is just a letter I want to write but cant actually give to the person it is meant for. I just really need someone to see it so i can at least get it off my chest.

Hey bro,

Two days.... two days and I won’t get to see you or anyone else for two whole years. I can’t believe it. For the past several months all I could think about is how excited I am to be going to Grad school in Australia; but now it’s actually happening and all I can think of is how much I am going to miss everyone... especially you.
You mean the world to me man and I don’t think you know how much I mean that. Since I met you, you have always been there for me and vice versa. You are literally the best friend I ever had.
I can’t stop thinking of last summer, when the night you randomly asked me if you could kiss me... I really wish I were more sober for that moment in time. Truth is I’ve had feelings for you since the day we met. The day I met you is still one of the fondest moments I have had in my whole lifetime. I wish things continued the way they did at the beginning of last summer. I wish I were more honest about my feelings and I believe u weren’t fully honest about yours either. We were both scared the other didn’t feel the same, or that doing anything more would ruin our friendship.
I guess it doesn’t really matter now anyway, in a few days I will literally be as far away from New York as physically possible and will be gone for two years. But I really wish I could tell you all this; I wish there was time for me to be able to hang with you alone for a little while... I miss hanging alone with you in my living room and talking about nonsense until the sun came up, or my dad came downstairs to yell at us to be quiet and go to bed. But also, if nothing else, I wish I could have one last kiss, as lame as it sounds. I love you man, and you mean the world to me. Whether its friends or something more I’m just grateful for all that you have done for me.


I know its a mess, and im sorry for the terrible writing, its 5am and i havent slept. just needed to blurt this all out so i could have enough peace to at least go to bed
 

JohnnyRoulette

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It's the pain of love you feel you cant express. I do have a thought as well..

Why can't you tell him? He was open enough fo ask to kiss you. I understand that leaving for two years does put a damper on any relationship possibilities, but that doesn't mean you cant share a moment with him and express how you feel.

Worse case, he doesn't feel the same. Its two years to heal before you see him Again.
 

ges

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If you can't see him, or call him, please send that letter to him. Two years of not knowing (and, I think, waiting) is going to be very hard on you. Yes, Australia is a long way away, but it's very easy to keep in touch with friends (if not lovers) these days. Don't continue the suffering - yours, and maybe his. Cheers.
 

Ki_re478

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I.... I acutally dont know how to respond to "why not".... I started to say that there isnt any opportunity for me to get alone time (everyone has been attached to my hip for the past few days because of my leaving) but i realized of how lame of an answer that acutally is. I guess... I'm scared? Out of all of my friends hes the one that im most sure wont drift apart while i am gone (we have several plans on how to stay in touch and he goes away to school anyway so im used to not seeing him for 6 months at a time or so.... also i plan on visiting the US next December if its possible).

Last summer, after that happend, we had many talks about our feelings... At first things were definately heading towards something but then it kinda tapered off. We talked and agreed that we both really care about each other but shouldn't make it a relationship due to several reasons. He also wasnt sure how far he would ever be willing to go with a guy, since the most he has done is make out with dudes. Towards the end of the summer we agreed to just kinda forget about it, and at the time i was okay with it. As much as i love the guy, i always held the stance that as long as i had his friendship, everything is ok and anything else would always just be a bonus. But now that im leaving, its all resurfacing big time, and i would hate to "lose him" any more than i already am by leaving New York. The skype sessions, etc. are going to be my rock to sanity the first few months i am there, and if he reacts negatively, and i lose that, then i will have to deal with the loss of the most important person in my life, while also having to deal with a new country and i wont even have that anchor that i was expecting to have upon arriving.
 

B_Shurewood

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Personally, I think you should seriously consider finding a way to send the letter to your friend. If not, you may always regret not doing so. I felt the same way about a college friend of mine. Two years ago, he passed-away, and I never got to tell him so many things.

Here's a poem to consider:

~~~~~ Seeds Of Kindness ~~~~~

If you have a friend worth loving, Love him.
Yes, and let him know that you love him,
Ere life's evening tinge his brow with sunset glow.
Why should good words ne'er be said of a friend -- 'till he is dead?

If you hear a song that thrills you, sung by any child of song,
Praise it. Do not let the singer wait deserved praises long.
Why should one who thrills your heart
Lack the joy you may impart?

If you hear a prayer that moves you, by its humble, pleading tone,
Join it. Do not let the seeker bow before his God alone.
Why should not your brother share
The strength of "two or three" in prayer?

If you see the hot tears falling, from a brother's weeping eyes,
Share them. And by kindly sharing, own your kinship to the skies.
Why should anyone be glad
When another's heart is sad?

If a silvery laugh goes rippling through the sunshine on his face,
Share it. 'Tis the wise man's saying -- "For both grief and joy a place."
There's health and goodness in the mirth
In which an honest laugh has birth.

If your work is made more easy by a friendly, helping hand,
Say so. Speak out brave and truly, ere the darkness veil and land.
Should a fellow worker near,
Falter for a word of cheer?

Scatter thus your seeds of kindness
All enriching as you go --
Leave them. Trust the Harvest-giver; He will make each seed to grow.
So until the happy end, Your life shall never lack a friend.

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

"Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth." - Benjamin Disraeli
 

Trevor

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Send it dude. If he was forward enough to ask if he could kiss you, he feels the same way.

Honestly if I got that letter from a friend who was in Australia I would somehow scrape together the money to buy a plane ticket to fly there and visit him.
 
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sfu

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I agree. Send it! Or at least some version of it. Kinda sounds like when you guys were talking he was wanting to do more than make out with you. He's obviously interested in guys. I think he was too shy to say "can I try sucking your cock" lol, and you were too shy to make a move so he could see if he liked it. There's obvious mutual interest I just think you were both too afraid to push the envelope, just hoping the other one would do it first.
 

scarnick

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You need to send the letter.

Hey, I'm not really expecting responses to this; this is just a letter I want to write but cant actually give to the person it is meant for. I just really need someone to see it so i can at least get it off my chest.

Hey bro,

Two days.... two days and I won’t get to see you or anyone else for two whole years. I can’t believe it. For the past several months all I could think about is how excited I am to be going to Grad school in Australia; but now it’s actually happening and all I can think of is how much I am going to miss everyone... especially you.
You mean the world to me man and I don’t think you know how much I mean that. Since I met you, you have always been there for me and vice versa. You are literally the best friend I ever had.
I can’t stop thinking of last summer, when the night you randomly asked me if you could kiss me... I really wish I were more sober for that moment in time. Truth is I’ve had feelings for you since the day we met. The day I met you is still one of the fondest moments I have had in my whole lifetime. I wish things continued the way they did at the beginning of last summer. I wish I were more honest about my feelings and I believe u weren’t fully honest about yours either. We were both scared the other didn’t feel the same, or that doing anything more would ruin our friendship.
I guess it doesn’t really matter now anyway, in a few days I will literally be as far away from New York as physically possible and will be gone for two years. But I really wish I could tell you all this; I wish there was time for me to be able to hang with you alone for a little while... I miss hanging alone with you in my living room and talking about nonsense until the sun came up, or my dad came downstairs to yell at us to be quiet and go to bed. But also, if nothing else, I wish I could have one last kiss, as lame as it sounds. I love you man, and you mean the world to me. Whether its friends or something more I’m just grateful for all that you have done for me.


I know its a mess, and im sorry for the terrible writing, its 5am and i havent slept. just needed to blurt this all out so i could have enough peace to at least go to bed
 

orgo

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That is some truly heart-warming writing. I wish you all the best.

I myself am in a similar situation, and I don't really know what to do about it.
 

DavidXL

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Send it dude. If he was forward enough to ask if he could kiss you, he feels the same way.

Honestly if I got that letter from a friend who was in Australia I would somehow scrape together the money to buy a plane ticket to fly there and visit him.

This ^ ^ ^

Send the damn letter/email - today! You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.

Australia is no longer a penal colony. They let you out if you wish to go and they allow visitors.

Tell us what happens. I'm a sucker for stories like this!

Best of luck, whatever you decide (and best wishes for getting over the tortuous regret you will feel if you don't send it).

Sincerely, best wishes. You sound like a good guy.
 

Ki_re478

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I'm with him and a few people now, if i manage to get him away from everyone or he stays after ppl leave ill talk to him. Thanks guys for the words of encouragement :) Id rather do it in person before i/he leaves, than via text or email or actual letter after i leave.
 

Ki_re478

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everyone was leaving and it looked like he was going to stay. I got excited at finally getting some alone time with him. Then he got up and said he might as well too. I wanted to stop him and ask him to stay, if not to talk to him about how i feel then at least to share one last night chatting in the living room. I was stopped by my own cowardness and im not even sure why. I do know that i am already filled with guilt however, which made me determined to do something tomorrow, my last chance to talk to him in person. (Although technically that chance may have already passed, i dont know if i will be able to get him alone tomorrow).
 

xtremehung

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You could send it.....

But you have already said you have planned with him how to stay in contact..... Skype, Google hangout, face time....... Its all good!

Plus, he can come and visit and I'm sure that you will be coming bk at several points over the next two years!

After all, absence makes the heart grow stronger! You might end up closer to this guy.

Its not the end of something mate, look at it as the start!
 

Ki_re478

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So i did it, sort of. My group of friends and I were all hanging and i got really drunk and he drove me home. It was the last time we were gonna see each other and we talked. We were talking about how we were gonna miss each other and about our plans to stay in touch. When we got to the point when i was supposed to get out of his car I asked him if i could kiss him and we made out a little and then I left. In the end im glad i got to talk to him (even if i didnt say EVERYTHING i said in the letter) and im really happy i was able to have one last kiss, it was very cathartic after almost 8 months since the last one.

I dont know if anything will ever happen between us, im leaning towards "almost definitely not". But as long as we manage to be honest with each other, im perfectly okay with that. Hes my best friend, I love him and would do anything for him and i know he would do anything for me.