Life, Death, Grief & Progress!

[sweatyblackballs]

Hey guys,

I lost my Great-Grandmother in 1998. Tonight I have been thinking about her intermittently and realising that it doesn't get any easier. I was always told that some elements of grief would subside. I understood this to mean that it would stop hurting and though I truly believe that time is a healer to be frank, it still hurts.
My Great-Grandmother was very close to us all and her loss has resulted in an obvious breach in our ability as a family to just simply move along.
I know that some of you here have experienced loss in your family and maybe in your friendships. How do you deal with it? Is it still painful after all this time for you as well? Do you try to fill the gap or just continue in the knowledge that it will never be filled?
How do you deal with life when death is involved? Is there progress to be made?

 

[scorpiokc]

I've kind of become simply numb about things. The pain never goes away, but I can't make it stop, so I guess that yeah, I just continue in the knowledge that it will never be filled. But that's just me. I'm sure others have worked it out.

 

[Husbandshung]

I lost my grandmother on thanksgiving in 2001, 20 minutes after leaving my house. It still hurts but I don't feel the pain everyday but it does creep up every now and again. Lost my other grandmother 12/23/1991 and our nephew 12/07/2006 so I find myself a bit melancoly during the holidays. If that weren't enough my mother has been in ICU since monday and not showing much improvement. As for filling the gap I find myself gravitating toward elderly women. There is always progress made but you have to be open to it.

 

[funnyguy]

It never really goes away completely, but there is an ebb and flow after a longer time (as is my situation) with the loss of my wife. One thing that helped me out greatly was learning about Hospice. I went to individual and later group counseling meetings there and learned of the many stages of grief and loss. They all come in a succession and can last for undetermined lengths of time. Al least, I could identify my feelings. They suggest that you wait a few months before going to them and I did. I wish you and others experiencing the loss of a loved one to seek the support of Hospice---not that it will cure your feelings, but it will help in the process of grieving.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

I hear what you guys are saying. Husbandshung, I know what you mean about it creeping up on your. It is so unexpected and testifies to the fact that some of the battles we fight are entirely spiritual. I never feel her by me, as some put it, but sometimes I am overwhelmed and something tells me that may be because I have not dealt with it. Saying that, do I have to deal with it? Is that something I have to do to progress? I have achieved a great deal since 1998, but I don't know if this intermittent showing of grief is a hindrance to my future ... is this something you have found?

 

[DC_DEEP]

Sweaty, yes, you do have to deal with it, and you have to complete the progression of grief. Otherwise, it will always be unbearable.

When my Mom died in 2002, it was absolutely horrible. It wasn't a surprise (she was in her 80s, and diabetic) but it was unexpected (she seemed just fine the day before, was still getting around, etc., and died in her sleep.)

You have to go through the stages and get some closure. Once you do that, it does get easier. I still miss her desperately, and it still hurts sometimes. But the pain has mellowed, the memories can now be sweet. It took two years but I finally worked through my sense of loss, and now, when I think of her, it squeezes my heart, rather than ripping it.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

There's no right way to deal with grief SBB, and maybe for you you'll always think of her now and again and it will bring back all the pain, I find with deaths that they always hurt but you think less about them as time goes on.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

There's no right way to deal with grief SBB, and maybe for you you'll always think of her now and again and it will bring back all the pain, I find with deaths that they always hurt but you think less about them as time goes on.

You know what is crazy. I don't know about you guys, but did you get to a stage where you couldn't remember the person's face, where you had to imitate their voice to remind yourself that they once spoke to you. I see pictures and that part actually makes me smile, but the idea that I am dishonouring her in not being able to hold onto the sound of her voice and what she looked like is quite painful. I SHOULD always remember those things right? I cannot believe ten years almost ... time flies when you have to grow up.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I certainly did SBB, a few years after the death of my father I was quite disconcerted to find that I could no longer summon up his voice or face purely from memory - but I wondered if that was our mind's way of protecting us from pain.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

Sweaty, yes, you do have to deal with it, and you have to complete the progression of grief. Otherwise, it will always be unbearable.

When my Mom died in 2002, it was absolutely horrible. It wasn't a surprise (she was in her 80s, and diabetic) but it was unexpected (she seemed just fine the day before, was still getting around, etc., and died in her sleep.)

You have to go through the stages and get some closure. Once you do that, it does get easier. I still miss her desperately, and it still hurts sometimes. But the pain has mellowed, the memories can now be sweet. It took two years but I finally worked through my sense of loss, and now, when I think of her, it squeezes my heart, rather than ripping it.

Stages. I hear that. I guess I thought ... OK, ten years, by now I should be able to remember her without it 'mashing me up' as they say in Jamaica. I think sometimes we get angry with time for taking things away and sometimes for not moving swiftly enough.
'Unexpected' is certainly true. I remember having premonitions that my Gran was in her final days. I remember feeling bad for knowing that she was in her final days, but God did that to ease the impact. 'Unexpected' is so true ... even at 88 years old.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

I certainly did SBB, a few years after the death of my father I was quite disconcerted to find that I could no longer summon up his voice or face purely from memory - but I wondered if that was our mind's way of protecting us from pain.

It's crazy right. How we beat ourselves up for things like this, when they are inevitable! My Gran's voice was so distinctive and her personality was so very powerful but so calm, not verbose in the least. I hear you about being protected, but then on the flip side I have seen people go absolutely crazy when they cannot remember the things that they held on to in honour of a lost one ...

 

[deleted15807]

Like others have said before it ebbs and flows. I lost my mother 12 years ago and the holidays are the main periods of the year when the grief and the memories seem almost inconsolable. It's as if time has stood still.


If you can fill your life with other new and different memories the older and sometimes difficult memories fade away and can become happier ones in spite of the pain.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

Like others have said before it ebbs and flows. I lost my mother 12 years ago and the holidays are the main periods of the year when the grief and the memories seem almost inconsolable. It's as if time has stood still.


If you can fill your life with other new and different memories the older and sometimes difficult memories fade away and can become happier ones in spite of the pain.

Do you find that you miss that older influence? That death forces us to be the point of influence for those younger than us at times ... growing up is scary ... progress is scary ... carrying on a legacy is terrifying right?

 

[AlteredEgo]

All the baby boomers in my mother's family have died (save one set of siblings who moved to Florida in the early 90's). All of them. So has one of my close friends from high school, some family friends who were like aunties to me, and my father and both of his siblings. I find that the more people die, the less I am able to really grieve. My cat almost died recently, and I was accused of being very icy about it. Sure I was going to miss her if she hadn't come around, but I am just at a point where I accept death differently from most people now. Everything alive is going to die, and I'm only able to feel but so sad about it.

I don't cry about most death anymore, no matter whose it is. My grandmother and I planned out and paid for her funeral already. While we were planning it, we made getting other grievers out of my face a top priority. I can't mourn the dead the way I used to, and a whole bunch of sad people in my house will make me uncomfortable. The sooner people stop coming by with food and flowers the sooner I can move on, and maybe even get in touch with my feelings. There is deep, deep sadness, I'm just t numb to experience it properly.

From time to time, however, maybe once every two or three years, I cry for my mother.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

All the baby boomers in my mother's family have died (save one set of siblings who moved to Florida in the early 90's). All of them. So has one of my close friends from high school, some family friends who were like aunties to me, and my father and both of his siblings. I find that the more people die, the less I am able to really grieve. My cat almost died recently, and I was accused of being very icy about it. Sure I was going to miss her if she hadn't come around, but I am just at a point where I accept death differently from most people now. Everything alive is going to die, and I'm only able to feel but so sad about it.

I don't cry about most death anymore, no matter whose it is. My grandmother and I planned out and paid for her funeral already. While we were planning it, we made getting other grievers out of my face a top priority. I can't mourn the dead the way I used to, and a whole bunch of sad people in my house will make me uncomfortable. The sooner people stop coming by with food and flowers the sooner I can move on, and maybe even get in touch with my feelings. There is deep, deep sadness, I'm just t numb to experience it properly.

From time to time, however, maybe once every two or three years, I cry for my mother.

There is alot of power in that statement about crying for your mother. A great deal.
I hear you on not crying and the sad people in your house and stuff. For me, that stuff, when my Gran died, was all good but it didn't mean a great deal in the long-term, because she was my Gran and had such a hand in raising me, I was scared I wouldn't be able to grow without her, so I really hear the sentiment in your crying for your mother from time to time because I do the same thing for my Granny.

 

[AlteredEgo]

There is alot of power in that statement about crying for your mother. A great deal.
I hear you on not crying and the sad people in your house and stuff. For me, that stuff, when my Gran died, was all good but it didn't mean a great deal in the long-term, because she was my Gran and had such a hand in raising me, I was scared I wouldn't be able to grow without her, so I really hear the sentiment in your crying for your mother from time to time because I do the same thing for my Granny.

I agree, the things people say to you when they are sharing grief over the loss of someone you both loved can be poignant, hard to listen to, or be superficial enough as to mean absolutely nothing. But no matter how any of it felt in the moment, later, it's all forgotten, and all you have left are two diametrically opposed sets of feelings. On one side you have berevement, and on the other, cherished memories. Both are very, very special and important, even if both don't feel very good.

How old were you when Granny died? I was 18 that year. My father died that May.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

I agree, the things people say to you when they are sharing grief over the loss of someone you both loved can be poignant, hard to listen to, or be superficial enough as to mean absolutely nothing. But no matter how any of it felt in the moment, later, it's all forgotten, and all you have left are two diametrically opposed sets of feelings. On one side you have berevement, and on the other, cherished memories. Both are very, very special and important, even if both don't feel very good.

How old were you when Granny died? I was 18 that year. My father died that May.

I was 18 years old. Coincidence huh!

 

[OmahaBeef]

Hey guys,

I lost my Great-Grandmother in 1998. Tonight I have been thinking about her intermittently and realising that it doesn't get any easier. I was always told that some elements of grief would subside. I understood this to mean that it would stop hurting and though I truly believe that time is a healer to be frank, it still hurts.
My Great-Grandmother was very close to us all and her loss has resulted in an obvious breach in our ability as a family to just simply move along.
I know that some of you here have experienced loss in your family and maybe in your friendships. How do you deal with it? Is it still painful after all this time for you as well? Do you try to fill the gap or just continue in the knowledge that it will never be filled?
How do you deal with life when death is involved? Is there progress to be made?

I gotta tell you bud, by the time I was in my early to mid-20's, I had lost probably an unfair number of people close to me. Some things I have learned:

1) Losing people hurts, and though the pain subsides, there is still a soreness in a certain area of your heart that doesn't really mend itself completely.

2) What makes it hard to "move on" is that fact that it is hard to come to terms with things "not being back to normal". You gotta understand to the bottom of your heart that things will never be back to normal, but what is left is called the "New Normal" and you must accept and embrace it.

3) Progress is made by never forgetting, but also understanding that meaningful relationships can be forged everyday with new people.

Remember the past, but live for tomorrow...

...OB

 

[sweatyblackballs]

I gotta tell you bud, by the time I was in my early to mid-20's, I had lost probably an unfair number of people close to me. Some things I have learned:

1) Losing people hurts, and though the pain subsides, there is still a soreness in a certain area of your heart that doesn't really mend itself completely.

2) What makes it hard to "move on" is that fact that it is hard to come to terms with things "not being back to normal". You gotta understand to the bottom of your heart that things will never be back to normal, but what is left is called the "New Normal" and you must accept and embrace it.

3) Progress is made by never forgetting, but also understanding that meaningful relationships can be forged everyday with new people.

Remember the past, but live for tomorrow...

...OB

Thank you man. Not only is that encouraging but concise and beautiful ...

 

[jack65]

Hello

Some of my relatives have told me straight out that they were not going to fight "it" any more, i remember going to see granddad in hospital and him giving me a hung then said "I'm going to though in the towel" i though at 1st he meant he was just tired and wanted to go to sleep, i said something like ok GD i'll get going to you can sleep, he looked me straight in the eye and said " i going to though in the towel", at that Monet i realized what he meant so i said i was glad i got to know him in the later yrs, and that was it, he layed back in his bed i left and never seen him again, I was 17 when this happened and i still remember it like yesterday.
then just last week my mother in law passed away, the 1st time i walked into the hospital with my wife my mother in law looked at me and said in her shaky voice " don't pray for me, i want to go home" she lasted 2 weeks but every time she would see me she said the same thing, or it's not long now, she was very week and could not open her eyes in the last week yet she new when i would walk in to her room and she would start saying the same thing.
i don't know why these two did that, but i have put it down to some times people trust you & know that even if you don't agree with them you will respect them in life or while they are vulnerable, i think they needed to say its time and just let me go, i feel more previlaged then upset because they felt safe with me to do that.
Lastly, it doesn't make it easier as i have lost others that are harder to take the loss off but when it's all said and done we have to move on if that takes a long time then so be it, but move on we must if only to honor the people that went before us. I don't no if it will help but every 3 or 4 months i take one whole day off and play records ( big black cd's for the younger ones)I'll have a few drinks and just reflect on every thing that has happened in my life , the good and bad , in this way i honor my friends and family by remembering them for who they were on this earth, i find by the end of the day i feel better, if only until the next time.

Thank You.