Life, Death, Grief & Progress!

[sweatyblackballs]

As I said the memory is the greatest deciever; I was blind to many things whilst my mother, and grandmother, were both alive. I now see them for who they were; great people, but none-the-less I must fight off the "urge" to remember them in a perfect light. They were human; just as much as I.

Speaking of which death is a part of life; it's what makes your child worthwhile and what makes the "memories" you speak of so dear; the unconscious knowledge that a person will leave us gives that bittersweet taste to our emotions and memories; it's what makes our tears all the more genuine as long before you ever cried them you knew you would have to. Without death life loses sanctity, and eventually it loses meaning. We live because we know we will die.

Why bother striving to make a memory if you're guarenteed never to die? Tis a waste. While it's a hated prhase, one which many people are blindly disagreeing with, we live to die. All of your activities, up till now, have they not been to ensure some kind of pleasure or feeling, some memory whether just for you or not? You too are aware of your ability to impact life, and once old enough to reflect you want to remember yourself as you wish yourself to be, but of course if you truly remember yourself as you were you may be appauled; that goes for anyone however and isn't a judgement on someone I do not know.



Of course it hurts; thus the construct. The dead are dead, and whether In the Spirit or in the Soul you can't contact them. They become figments of your imagination as far as this world is concerned; you're the only one who "feels" these beings, you and perhaps your family collective. We call things like that DELUSIONS. Of course that's rather harsh on my part; my insensitivity is quite uncalled for. I act as if I am immune to human heartache but as I said, two years ago, a wreck. Twas the decision to simply stop clining to such ideas that made life easier.

Fair enough, but what good is comfort when it impedes the goal? Grieving is meant to end; if you're keeping it alive with your memory all you're doing is killing time and stifling the process. That's up to you though; again for some it can take, literally, decades and beyond.

Death is powerful. It draws these things out of you; listen to yourself denying it's power when it's the cause of your plight. Why do you grieve? Did you grieve like this when you lost the game, or got less than expected in some field? Could you not hold it together? What makes those things different; after all it is you who attributed all of this to the Child, grieving for a toy. Perhaps it was a mistake on your part, but if you can make that correlation ( assuming the toy cannot or will not be replaced ) then I see less and less reason to find that Death, the ultimate loss, has no power.

If Grief was so powerful you'd be bound to it forever in all aspects; you'd grieve things you look back and smile on, and you'd regret things you have come to understand. It is death, and death alone, that stands out of this crowd; for even in the Loss of Time no such force has been known to constrain to the point of suffocation like Death.



What good is a memory if you're condemned to a hospital bed? I'd prefer health with no wound and memories lost to a memory and the incapcitation it brings. Wouldn't you?

You sound like a friend of mine who suppressed his grief to such an extent it caused a physical ailment. After years of saying stuff like why grieve it gets in the way ... One morning he woke up and his hair started to fall out in clumps and the Doctor did not understand why. He had repressed the memory of his mother and everything about her so far back that when finally he grieved it was overwhelming. He allowed himself to grieve. His hair grew back. His Alopecia was brought on by emotional stress.

I made no mistakes in my previous post and I would prefer that we did not go off-track here. I have a child, when he left his blanket on the train that I had passed down to him having had it knitted for me by my Grandmother he was distraught and so was I. My mother knitted a replacement which did nothing to appease what had happened. The point is grief is brought on by death but in remembrance we are not crying for death, but for LOSS! We make emotional attachments. People lose Dogs and you can replace a Dog with the same breed, but you CANNOT replace an emotional attachment. For this reason, I am trying to explain that grief in its broadest sense is impacted greater by loss than by the act of death itself, since death is an extension of loss. Losing that blanket felt like I was losing a part of my history and an emblem of who she was and all the comfort it brought me even in adulthood.

Who says you are meant to find an end to your grief. It is healthy to grieve. It is like exercising a memory. The more frequently you do so, in time perhaps you will be at ease with it.

I also do not deny the power of death, but in my experience I can say that just as death could not hold Jesus to the grave it cannot suppress the spirit of any man, but when Mary went to the tomb she went there with a grieving heart. Death was not able to hold him down, just as it didn't hold Lazarus, and it does not hold anyone to ransom, but our sense of LOSS does. Once again, death of flesh does not annihilate the spirit.

Grief does not stand in the way of progress at all. Grief allows us to move on.

DELUSIONS. That is just rude and uncalled for. I don't appreciate that for myself and for the others who have taken time to share here.

In regards to this thread. I did not start it to argue. I respect your opinions but perhaps be a little more sensitive given that people are sharing stuff that is so very painful and personal.

 

[B_blackkid]

If I responded to that I'd simply be seen as cruel; partially because I want to call you on some obvious notions and partially because I've no intention of lying to console. That said, good luck in life etc. etc. and may you... whatever you plotted to do.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

If I responded to that I'd simply be seen as cruel; partially because I want to call you on some obvious notions and partially because I've no intention of lying to console. That said, good luck in life etc. etc. and may you... whatever you plotted to do.

I don't think you should lie or do anything you do not want to ... by all means feel free to respond ... my only advice is that not every thread has to deteriorate into a slanging match. This is a space for people to share memories. Share yours, ask questions ... no need to attack people for grieving and call them delusive. That is unnecessary as far as I am concerned, because when someone talks about the loss of a loved one it is no easy task. Please share, but have some compassion that's all I ask. :smile::smile::smile:

 

[bottombuddy]

I don't think you should lie or do anything you do not want to ... by all means feel free to respond ... my only advice is that not every thread has to deteriorate into a slanging match. This is a space for people to share memories. Share yours, ask questions ... no need to attack people for grieving and call them delusive. That is unnecessary as far as I am concerned, because when someone talks about the loss of a loved one it is no easy task. Please share, but have some compassion that's all I ask. :smile::smile::smile:

here here

 

[B_blackkid]

Point: Our experiences differ so much to the point in which they will not correlate or seem remotely alike; I have concluded it is in everyone's best interest that I speak not on this topic; this decision was made long prior to this and should be upheld long after. My insensitivity is "part" of me.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

My insensitivity is "part" of me.

It's unfortunate that there is no compromise. Once again, respect to you. I hope one day you do become 'sensitive' because I think you are a wonderful guy (insensitivity aside) and I enjoy reading your posts when they do not deride people's pain and memories! :wink:

All the best.

 

[B_blackkid]

Be well sir, and may you find peace.

Tis my last post within these cyberwalls. Farewell and my apologies.

 

[sweatyblackballs]

thanks for understanding..apprecite the support....realise ive lost a hell of alot....could be i need to make a huge change of direction in my life in 2008..or perhaps its my destiny that 2008 will be year of big changes for me.

i tell my cat all my worries and problems but get a blank stare most of the time ....he helps me smile and laugh too.

Coming into a New Year is always such a powerful time to reflect. I find myself excited at the prospect of starting at zero in some areas and progressing in some others. I am happy for what will come. There is great uncertainty but therein lie great possibilities.

Telling your Cat is testament to the fact that we make emotional attachments to our pets as much as our inanimate objects ... so to lose something so dear is tragic and impossible to replace. I'm glad that in the midst of everything you still have something to hold onto, even if miaow is not something we can translate

I am sure you will find joy next year.

Merry Christmas in Scotland. It is Christmas Day here ... WOOOOOO!

 

[jack65]

Hello

SBB, I hope this year will be a great year for you and us all.

Blackkid, if you do read these postings i would like to say i see where your coming from, i fact i have seen the way you deal with Grief before, many of the war veterans do the same thing they were once happy people but when they come back they have changed some how, they put out the memories of there friends that fell beside them because to do anything else would surly kill them to - or so they think.
until the day comes when they see a old mate at there local RSL ( veterans club here in Australia)
Then it all comes back to them and nothing can stop it, i think what I'm trying to say to you is be careful , if you are truly over it then memories would not be a problem nor would anything else that your logical thoughts have let you block out. I'm not trying to be mean just just trying to talk straight with you.

bottombuddy, i hope things get into perspective for you this year which enables you to go forward and also for your friend, but remember that some people have had just to much pain for now and they can not for the life of them give any more of them selfs, to do so would surly result in there down fall, which sounds a bit like what is happening to your friend at this time, They tend to be cold and tell people no this didn't hurt me or i didn't love them anyway, because they are protecting them selfs from any more hart ace, eve if they don't realize it at the time.
it's hard but if you can just be there with out trying to "help" him then you will be doing a great thing for him, i say it's hard because your going though crap too,Some times not talking about things can help if only in the short term it may will be he needs a lot of time to just start healing.
i once went over to a mates house and a girl there had just broken up with her boyfriend of a few years,she just wanted to be cuddled, but my mate ( also a girl) just could not do it for her in the way a male (even if we didn't know each other) could .She didn't say a word just held onto me for what seemed to be forever, crying, once she had stopped she simply said thanks we never talked about any thing, but the next day she had thrown all his stuff out the door and was on her way to moving on.

Good luck to all, be at peace with your selfs and if you are a believer, then just ask for help.

Thank You.

 

[Husbandshung]

I hear what you guys are saying. Husbandshung, I know what you mean about it creeping up on your. It is so unexpected and testifies to the fact that some of the battles we fight are entirely spiritual. I never feel her by me, as some put it, but sometimes I am overwhelmed and something tells me that may be because I have not dealt with it. Saying that, do I have to deal with it? Is that something I have to do to progress? I have achieved a great deal since 1998, but I don't know if this intermittent showing of grief is a hindrance to my future ... is this something you have found?

It is not a hindrance at all. I recently had a dream of my grandmother. We were at the "airport to heaven" and she told me she had to go now. I pleaded with her not to go that I don't want her to go. Looking out the window going up the stairs to the plane was my deceased grandfather and uncle, and my mother (currently in ICU going on day 10) that I found quite disturbing. But "Voa Voa" turned back to me and said You've been the best grandson anyone could wish for, and went to the plane. That I found was very comforting to me although I did wake up literally balling. As its been said before everybody grieves differently, and if it isn't interfering with your daily life you're doing good.