One thing...you're not worthless or disappointing and God loves you. He really does, and He is always with you, and He'll be with you through this. You're not an abomination or a bad person either. I don't know what's going to happen with your home situation, but it might turn out for the good but it might turn out for the bad...but stay strong and never lose hope. I hope your parents come around but it sounds like they might not ever accept you (but they might) but I'm sure they still love you. Good luck and remember: prayer is so helpful. God can hear you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, His ears are always open.
Life is over as I know it...
- Thread starter D_Sawyer Wiener
- Start date
Hey AndyCongradulations, you havetaken a major step in improving your life, it will take them a lot longer than 24 hours, just be yourself and let them do the thinking they are the ones that have to adjust you are being who you are.I am 50 and my youngest son 19 is gay he has a fantastic B/F that is also in collage doing two majors and a minor smart guy, he is out but his folks are not happy about it, dad is ex military. So he will be staying here when he comes home from school. The stange thing is I am also gay but in the 60s and 70s we had to get married with the white picket fence, I have two boys and they know about me. I am still married but due to the finances can not move on with my life.Take it easy eat breath and it will all work out, also there are a lot of men in my shoes but it all takes time.
Dave NoCal
Superior Member
Andy, it's my opinion that in the future you will look back to these days as the time when your life, as you will come to know it, began. It's a hard step. Odds are your folks will come around. Enjoy living in the sunshine.
Dave
Dave
BigDallasDick8x6
Admired Member
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2006
- Posts
- 3,881
- Media
- 6
- Likes
- 863
- Points
- 333
- Location
- Dallas TX (North Oak Cliff)
- Sexuality
- 99% Gay, 1% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Amazing how some "religious" people "scold" and "yell."
Keep your chin up. Never let anyone else determine your self-esteem.
Keep your chin up. Never let anyone else determine your self-esteem.
DaveyR
Retired Moderator
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 5,422
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 30
- Points
- 268
- Location
- Northumberland
- Sexuality
- No Response
- Gender
- Male
So very true. Your post made me think back 23 years ago when Paul and I first met. I knew then that I wanted to be with him forever. That gave me the courage to "come out" to my parents and boy did the shit hot the fan. I stood my ground with an "accept me or fuck off out of my life attitude" and within a few months it was old old news.
My parents now show me the utmost respect and absolutely dote on Paul. It warms my heart to see how they are with him now.
I still often reflect on those early days and remember how I felt at the time. I'd never had believed that they would have come around so quickly and that they would end up so easy going about it all.
The moral of the story? Stand your ground and comandeer respect without being confrontational. This is a time for you to demonstrate you are you own person. Let your parents see that you are still you and most of all that you are happy with your acceptance of yourself. Once they see that you have accepted who you are it makes it easier for them to do so too :wink:
I accept that not all people are the same and that some parents will continue to be very difficult. If that happens then IMHO difficult choices have to be made. I was fortunate in that my parents were pretty cool fairly quickly but had they not I would have stuck by my guns.
Well I'm finally home from school after a really long day... started to doze off in psych class and woke myself up and looked down and thought I saw a tarantula crawling on my lap (hallucinations are not as fun as I thought they'd be)... Anywho I got home and talked to my mom for a little bit and she started talking about well... me being gay again... and she said "You've never even really dated a girl" and I responded with "Yes I have, and I know that you think I'm just stressed and confused but... I'm not... I know" and then she just kinda got quiet and said "I don't want to talk about this" so me being the fixer I try to be... I quickly changed the subject and told her that I'm going to need to borrow one of her students for my childhood psychology project and we just talked about that for a bit... then I said I'm off to bed and gave her a kiss on the cheek and said "Good night, I love you" and she said "I love you too" and I responded with "Thanks" and she just was kind of dumbfounded at that... I don't know if she understood the meaning I had behind it or what it was... But in short, I'm starting to feel a little better about myself... I still haven't told my sisters cause well I'm still scared about what they'd say
my older sister took it well, my next younger sis came out before me and just wanted my plaid shirts, but my lil sister was a bid upset. after i told her that we are all actually closer to the size of atoms as compared to the vast expanse of the universe and to get over herself, she laughed and we're best of friends still.
When I came out to my mother (at 32) she told me she knew I was gay the day she brought me home from the hospital.
I said, "Well, do you think maybe you coulda said something to me??!!!" We both had a good laugh over that. I was on my own and not under her roof.
Your mom's got so much fear going on right now. She does love you but you're her baby and she's used to making it all better. You don't realize that she's never been here before.....she's used to being able to protect you. It's only been a couple of days and already your posts have gotten better. That's wonderful!
You've gotten a lot of support on here and bravo to you for having reached out for help...that alone makes me think you're going to be just fine.
Peace
I said, "Well, do you think maybe you coulda said something to me??!!!" We both had a good laugh over that. I was on my own and not under her roof.
Your mom's got so much fear going on right now. She does love you but you're her baby and she's used to making it all better. You don't realize that she's never been here before.....she's used to being able to protect you. It's only been a couple of days and already your posts have gotten better. That's wonderful!
You've gotten a lot of support on here and bravo to you for having reached out for help...that alone makes me think you're going to be just fine.
Peace
- Joined
- May 22, 2007
- Posts
- 1,450
- Media
- 34
- Likes
- 2,448
- Points
- 443
- Location
- Monmouth (New Jersey, United States)
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Buddy, I asure you that everything you have been posting is a VERY common family response. Everything you are feeling, you family is feeling as well. You're family obviously loves you no matter what. That's what's #1.
There will be that silent period that will work itself out. And your parents will talk to you little by little about this as their comfort level builds. Now you don't have to run around with a check list of who you need to tell, however, if that's something that makes you feel better, then by all means, get it out of the way.
IMO, you don't need your parents understanding right now. You will have to give them that time. You will hear the common words like "Choice", "Phase", "Confused", etc. It's going to take them time. From your dad's reaction, he's going to be just fine and will probably be the one to help your mom come to grip with it.
You had 12 years to deal with yourself being gay, your parents will need more than one day or one week. I know it's hard, but you need to chill out yourself as well. Trust me (and others on LPSG) this will all pass and you will look back and realize this is the BEST thing you have ever done in your life. I promise you that.
Take things day by day. Don't make the gay issue the focus. It doesn't change who you are, so keep living the way you've lived your 19 years.
They will see "you" are still you!
You can always feel free to e-mail any time.
thickpupnj@yahoo.com
I'll be there for you.
Andy, I came out to my parents at the age of 18 when I was (1) still living under their roof and (2) expecting them to pay for the portion of college expenses that my scholarship didn't cover.
Their responses were fairly typical of their personalities, backgrounds, and generation. My mother--a rather religious, closed-minded, rigid nurse with somewhat backward social views (e.g., if someone got sick from AIDS in the early years of the epidemic, they deserved it for being abnormal)--asked me when I wanted to have an AIDS test. (This was in 1987 when everyone was terrified.) My father--a more gentle, tolerant, sophisticated man who I'm convinced is gay or at least bisexual--told me he was sorry for me because other people would treat me very badly.
After years of a lot of knock-down, drag-out arguments (in which, for instance, my mother would accuse me of being a pedophile and I would counter that she was probably the reason for my sexuality, whether it was nature or nurture), we've finally come to a place where my boyfriend is welcome in their home and they ask after his health and hope he's happy. That's only happened in the past couple of years (I just turned 40 this past spring).
I'm not saying that it'll take 22 years for your parents to come to their senses and accept you for who you are. My parents and I had other issues that really overshadowed the gay issue. (I'm also not promising that they'll ever "come to their senses" and realize that they love you and that their love for you trumps their negative feelings about homosexuality--for some, that realization just doesn't happen.)
I'm merely saying that if it happens, it might take a while for your parents to process the idea through multiple stages of acceptance--including grief (mourning the difference or the potential lack of grandchildren), guilt (feeling as though they were somehow responsible for your sexuality), revulsion (feeling sickened by the idea of gay sex), ignorance (not knowing what to say to you because they don't know anyone gay, forgetting that they raised you), and moral horror (believing you'll go to hell because that's what the pastor says and their own belief system supports).
Just focus on making sure you're safe and sane and emotionally stable. If they can't come along peacefully, you might need to distance yourself until they can. Find worthwhile friends who don't feel put off by your sexuality, seek out ways to grow and change toward positive goals, and learn how to build your family for your own reasons (not just because you grew up in that household).
Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
NCbear (who came out again in a BIG way in college [via an opinion piece on gay rights in the campus paper] and was ostracized by most of the 3000-student campus for about a year, but who later became old gossip--and whose 43-year-old boyfriend STILL hasn't come out to his only living parent, his 78-year-old father)
P.S. They DID end up paying for the portion of my college expenses that my scholarship didn't cover. But if I'd had to, I'd have moved out, financially emancipated myself from my parents, and taken out loans. It's a less difficult process now than it was then, but it was just barely doable.
P.P.S. On preview, what ThickPup said above. All of what you've described are normal reactions for certain types of families/parents. Just be patient and wait it out. And keep your chin up.
Their responses were fairly typical of their personalities, backgrounds, and generation. My mother--a rather religious, closed-minded, rigid nurse with somewhat backward social views (e.g., if someone got sick from AIDS in the early years of the epidemic, they deserved it for being abnormal)--asked me when I wanted to have an AIDS test. (This was in 1987 when everyone was terrified.) My father--a more gentle, tolerant, sophisticated man who I'm convinced is gay or at least bisexual--told me he was sorry for me because other people would treat me very badly.
After years of a lot of knock-down, drag-out arguments (in which, for instance, my mother would accuse me of being a pedophile and I would counter that she was probably the reason for my sexuality, whether it was nature or nurture), we've finally come to a place where my boyfriend is welcome in their home and they ask after his health and hope he's happy. That's only happened in the past couple of years (I just turned 40 this past spring).
I'm not saying that it'll take 22 years for your parents to come to their senses and accept you for who you are. My parents and I had other issues that really overshadowed the gay issue. (I'm also not promising that they'll ever "come to their senses" and realize that they love you and that their love for you trumps their negative feelings about homosexuality--for some, that realization just doesn't happen.)
I'm merely saying that if it happens, it might take a while for your parents to process the idea through multiple stages of acceptance--including grief (mourning the difference or the potential lack of grandchildren), guilt (feeling as though they were somehow responsible for your sexuality), revulsion (feeling sickened by the idea of gay sex), ignorance (not knowing what to say to you because they don't know anyone gay, forgetting that they raised you), and moral horror (believing you'll go to hell because that's what the pastor says and their own belief system supports).
Just focus on making sure you're safe and sane and emotionally stable. If they can't come along peacefully, you might need to distance yourself until they can. Find worthwhile friends who don't feel put off by your sexuality, seek out ways to grow and change toward positive goals, and learn how to build your family for your own reasons (not just because you grew up in that household).
Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
NCbear (who came out again in a BIG way in college [via an opinion piece on gay rights in the campus paper] and was ostracized by most of the 3000-student campus for about a year, but who later became old gossip--and whose 43-year-old boyfriend STILL hasn't come out to his only living parent, his 78-year-old father)
P.S. They DID end up paying for the portion of my college expenses that my scholarship didn't cover. But if I'd had to, I'd have moved out, financially emancipated myself from my parents, and taken out loans. It's a less difficult process now than it was then, but it was just barely doable.
P.P.S. On preview, what ThickPup said above. All of what you've described are normal reactions for certain types of families/parents. Just be patient and wait it out. And keep your chin up.
Last edited:
Andy,
I'm glad you're able to talk with your mom. It's definitely an important thing to keep the lines of communication open if you can. If your parents don't disown you, then with time they will begin to have compassion for you. You have had some suffering in all this, and the last thing parents want to see is for their child to suffer. Stay strong.
whatireallywant
Sexy Member
We're all supportive of you here!
Unfortunately, some religion (fundamentalist) does seem to be more about hate than love.
I've never wanted kids but I agree - I'd have a lot harder time if my kid turned out to be a religious fundamentalist or Glenn Beck fan (or fan of any of the other right-wing talk show hosts) than if they were gay. My only concern if they were gay would be the hatred they might receive from other people.
This is a very good source of help. However, I don't know exactly where the OP lives. If he lives in a smaller town, GLBT resources may be much harder to find than if he lived in a larger city.
Unfortunately, some religion (fundamentalist) does seem to be more about hate than love.
I've never wanted kids but I agree - I'd have a lot harder time if my kid turned out to be a religious fundamentalist or Glenn Beck fan (or fan of any of the other right-wing talk show hosts) than if they were gay. My only concern if they were gay would be the hatred they might receive from other people.
This is a very good source of help. However, I don't know exactly where the OP lives. If he lives in a smaller town, GLBT resources may be much harder to find than if he lived in a larger city.
nudeyorker
Admired Member
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2006
- Posts
- 22,742
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 855
- Points
- 208
- Location
- NYC/Honolulu
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Andy you have been given some excellent advice here. The only thing that I can add is that "You can't make other people be more than they are!" You are only responsible for your own happiness and not others.
Your father has also made a very good point in concentrating on your education and health. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. You will be amazed how time has a way of making what seems insurmountable today another stepping stone on your path through life.
BTW my mother lived her entire life thinking I was going through a phase that I was going to outgrow. I learned in time it was her issue not mine.
Good luck with everything. If you get stressed think about the big picture of your life and not just the chapter you are writing now.
Your father has also made a very good point in concentrating on your education and health. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. You will be amazed how time has a way of making what seems insurmountable today another stepping stone on your path through life.
BTW my mother lived her entire life thinking I was going through a phase that I was going to outgrow. I learned in time it was her issue not mine.
Good luck with everything. If you get stressed think about the big picture of your life and not just the chapter you are writing now.
*Sigh* Relationships suck... There's this guy I'm absolutely crazy about but I'm just lying to myself when I think that he and I are ever gonna be in a relationship... I told him that and he just responded with "I'm afraid to" and I said "You shouldn't have to be... I'd never hurt you or at least do my best not to" And he said "I'm not afraid of that" and I asked "Well what then?" And he said he didn't want to talk about it and I said "You can't do that, you make me talk to you about things I don't like talking about and I'm completely open honest with you" and he responds with "I'm driving, I'll tell you when I'm not driving!" then I didn't respond cause well, he was being a douche... and he sends another text saying "I'll call you tonight and we'll talk" and so I just responded "whatever"... I am absolutely crazy for this guy and I feel like I'm being delusional to myself thinking that we could end up in a relationship... He isn't out and he has only had 1 boyfriend before me and it was a long distance relationship, the guy was from new york and he only met the guy like 3 times total and dated him for a year or so... I don't know... I don't know how to get in touch with the gay community here and find someone for me... I mean I met this guy off manhunt... And we first met and went biking together and hung out the day after that, the day after that and so on. I don't know what to do... I've never been in love with someone who isn't family and I like this guy a lot more than well... liking someone... I think it may be love, but I don't know... AGH!!! Stress! Someone push me off a bridge please!
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2009
- Posts
- 367
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 10
- Points
- 273
- Location
- Nowhere Else (Tasmania, Australia)
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 80% Gay, 20% Straight
Not all situations are black and white. This one is definately a grey area. In fact most emotions are like that. I would suggest telling him straight up what you expect. Let him know that you're looking for a relationship and if he is unsure or can't deliver then you can find someone else that's willing to give you the love, affection, and attention that you deserve. Being hung up on someone that doesn't want you is a bad way to be. If he tells you he's not interested then look elsewhere, there's always someone out there that's better. And I'm sure plenty of guys that would be willing to make you more than happy and be appreciative of that fact.
D_dtgt65rg
Experimental Member
I concur. As a guy who spent three relationships with men who did not want a relationship, open communication is the key variable. Since communicating to my current boyfriend my personal expectations of "us", he responded, well I'm on board. Though this is a difficult period in your life, you will make it through.
for many of us, you've touched on multiple feelings we have not experienced in several months, years, and decades, so trust us when we say, "WE UNDERSTAND."
Peace be the journey man....and best to you
Once again guys and gals, I just want to say thanks so much for all the support... and the few that have chosen to message me on yahoo, you're awesome and I made some good friends... I'm doing okay, my dad hasn't talked about it since that day that I mentioned... My mom kinda brought it up last night but it was indirect... she wants me to "quit twitter and facebook because 'weird people' are on there"... anywho, the relationship thing is still bugging me and causing me to not sleep, and making me want to welcome a bullet to my brain... You'd be surprised (or maybe not) on how little a person eats and sleeps when they're depressed and have a ton on their mind... My thoughts are just racing and I can't slow them down... its like sticking your hand into a fan to grab a blade and stop it, you can't do it without getting hurt... And with that I'll shut up cause you folks are probably thinking that I'm annoying and enjoy having a pity party : /
- Joined
- Sep 2, 2004
- Posts
- 44
- Media
- 26
- Likes
- 801
- Points
- 403
- Location
- Hinckley, England, GB
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Don't do anything to harm yourself mate. You are a good person and just need some support and love. There are loads of us out there that are gay and have had to go through it, yes, some situations are tougher than others.
If you want some inspiration read a book called "travelling light" by Katrina Kittle. I have just finished reading this and thought it was great.
If you want some inspiration read a book called "travelling light" by Katrina Kittle. I have just finished reading this and thought it was great.
Thanks guy, but don't worry... I'm not suicidal nor am I into cutting or injuring myself...
I'll take a look into that book thoughSimilar threads
