Grappled with many of the same issues for years and years. Never have a seen a discussion on the issue quite like this posting. I am going posit a theory that I am sure a lot of people will be offended by, and probably quite a few that will think I am completely full of shit. Has anyone felt that perhaps their same sex attraction was really a form of disguised envy? From a very early age I had a very low level of self confidence, particularly about my physical appearance - a little pudginess, bad acne, and a terribly domineering older sister did not help matters. I grew to idolize my fellow guy friends who I thought had what I didn't: popularity, good looks, and confidence. Paralleling this was a feeling that I was repulsive to women. No woman would ever want to be with me. I now realize how much striving for an unreal level of perfection (and an exaggerated level of self hate) shaped my development.
Over time my fantasy life began to shift more and more homosexual. Oddly enough, the men I have been most sexually attracted to have been more or more improved versions of my self. I have never had romantic feelings for a man like I have had for a woman. That said, I have never had a serious relationship with either. I have had sex with women. These were brief relationships but overall they were positive and the sexual feelings I had were very real. That said, the two times I have been with men, the sexual feelings were, for a brief period that ended before I came, incredibly intense. Afterward my feelings were not guilt related, not at all. They were more perplexing, a questioning of the genuineness of my emotions, and an ultimate assessment of the hallowness of the liasons.
Additional relevant information. I love, love, love images of naked men. Particularly straight men having sex with straight women. Also love naked women, particarly when they are attracted to me. I cherish the times when I have buried my face in a pussy, and cupped a soft ample breast. When I have been with a women, it may not have been as intense but in many ways it felt deeper, more complementary. Less like two guys just getting each other off. While I toy with things like gay chat rooms, and enjoy them very much, I have never felt compelled to make an initial move on a man in real life.
A therapist once told me that I must be gay if my sexual feelings for men were more intense than for women - end of story. I quit going to her because I did not agree. So what to you guys think....am I rationalizing away what may be a core homosexual character or is it possible that I have unintentionally equated envy and hero worship with sexual attraction and compatibility?
Is it possible that I have conditioned myself to love cock?????
