Grappled with many of the same issues for years and years. Never have a seen a discussion on the issue quite like this posting. I am going posit a theory that I am sure a lot of people will be offended by, and probably quite a few that will think I am completely full of shit. Has anyone felt that perhaps their same sex attraction was really a form of disguised envy? From a very early age I had a very low level of self confidence, particularly about my physical appearance - a little pudginess, bad acne, and a terribly domineering older sister did not help matters. I grew to idolize my fellow guy friends who I thought had what I didn't: popularity, good looks, and confidence. Paralleling this was a feeling that I was repulsive to women. No woman would ever want to be with me. I now realize how much striving for an unreal level of perfection (and an exaggerated level of self hate) shaped my development.
Over time my fantasy life began to shift more and more homosexual. Oddly enough, the men I have been most sexually attracted to have been more or more improved versions of my self. I have never had romantic feelings for a man like I have had for a woman. That said, I have never had a serious relationship with either. I have had sex with women. These were brief relationships but overall they were positive and the sexual feelings I had were very real. That said, the two times I have been with men, the sexual feelings were, for a brief period that ended before I came, incredibly intense. Afterward my feelings were not guilt related, not at all. They were more perplexing, a questioning of the genuineness of my emotions, and an ultimate assessment of the hallowness of the liasons.
Additional relevant information. I love, love, love images of naked men. Particularly straight men having sex with straight women. Also love naked women, particarly when they are attracted to me. I cherish the times when I have buried my face in a pussy, and cupped a soft ample breast. When I have been with a women, it may not have been as intense but in many ways it felt deeper, more complementary. Less like two guys just getting each other off. While I toy with things like gay chat rooms, and enjoy them very much, I have never felt compelled to make an initial move on a man in real life.
A therapist once told me that I must be gay if my sexual feelings for men were more intense than for women - end of story. I quit going to her because I did not agree. So what to you guys think....am I rationalizing away what may be a core homosexual character or is it possible that I have unintentionally equated envy and hero worship with sexual attraction and compatibility?
Is it possible that I have conditioned myself to love cock?????
In my case, that would be a definate yes! Without going into great detail here (and to keep from getting the thread off course), let me explain why I agree.
From ages ~6-~13, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. As a young child, he took it upon himself to humiliate me sexually (telling my friends at school that I had a small pecker).
When I hit puberty, I became overweight (probably had to do with the fact I was taken off Ritilan at age 13 <had been on it since age 5>) and I developed rather large breasts, that I still have today. The breasts didn't form due to the fat, rather an imbalance in hormones (see gynecomastia
Gynecomastia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). I was harassed by my grandfather (who would say things to me along the lines of 'I'll bet you have bigger titties than any of the girls in your school') along with the other boys in school. Well, I eventually ended up becoming aneroxic and bulemic, and was diagnosed having Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I overcame the anexoria/bulemia (went to treatment), and I am now back to being slightly overweight. Thing is, I've still got large breasts. My body is literally disfigured due to the rapid gain and loss of weight (I have a LOT of loose hanging skin). When I see men that I am 'attracted' to, its more about their physical assets rather than a truly sexual attraction. The same can be said with gay porn. The gay porn I watch involve very handsome, masculine, buff men. In my mind, I desire (more like fanticise) to touch a man like that to feel what a ''real man'' feels like, as I highly doubt I'll ever be able to acheive a body like that without undergoing massive reconstructive surgery.
When I look at my naked body in the mirror (which is a huge challenge for me), I see my cock and balls, but I almost feel detached from them, as all I can see or focus on are my breasts and flabby looking body. I guess my mind associates a sexual relationship with a man as being the only way I'll ever be to 'experience' having a body like that.
I'm going to go on and go on the attack here. I know there will be some who will read this post, and then post something along the lines of me being a deeply repressed homo. I'm not. I've been in therapy for MANY years, and have struggled with my sexual identity as a man, and with my sexual orientation. If you don't have anything positive to contribute to this post, then please keep your fucking mouth shut.
The subject of this particular thread is something I take very personally, and there very well may be others out there who have gone thru some of the same things I've gone through and are struggling with themselves as I have. Please don't assume that everyone who can relate with the OP is a closet case.
