Liking a straight mate

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Me and my straight mate are close he knows I'm gay but recently I've started dancing him more and more is that wrong and what do I do
 

Brodie888

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There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to anyone. But you know those feelings aren't being reciprocated so to pursue those feelings will most likely damage your friendship.

Most people have the need for intimacy. When those needs aren't being met, it's common for people to try to force what they have available to try and fill the void (emotionally and physically lol).

So basically you need to find a gay person to fulfill your gay needs and have your straight friend to just be your friend.
 
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There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to anyone. But you know those feelings aren't being reciprocated so to pursue those feelings will most likely damage your friendship.

Most people have the need for intimacy. When those needs aren't being met, it's common for people to try to force what they have available to try and fill the void (emotionally and physically lol).

So basically you need to find a gay person to fulfill your gay needs and have your straight friend to just be your friend.
Well said @Brodie888
 

Nudistpig

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Me and my straight mate are close he knows I'm gay but recently I've started dancing him more and more is that wrong and what do I do

This happens a lot. You should not assume he is straight or that if he does that his feelings for you aren't strong too. You should also not engage in unrequited love (to pine for him and not deal with it).

Regardless of what is in his future, he has stated his sexuality now. As much as it is painful, you need to work to curb the worst of the romantic excess you have allowed yourself (I had the exact same issue in first year uni). I chose to disclose and it ruined our friendship. Not because I was in love, but because he, a native new yorker raised with gay uncles was feeding me cues that he adopted from a much more liberal culture than the one I grew up in. When he would kiss my head, hold my hand saying "this looks like an accepting neighborhood" I was very confused because my gaydar said straight. Those are just a few of the things and when he realized after talking to me that he had spent a year courting me in a way he was very upset and ashamed. He was mocked by his peers and that was that. I also moved beyond university into entertainment so we did not see each other.

Don't let this happen if you can. Spending less time with him is probably important for you and you will need to explain why. I'd say you want to date more and find a bf. When you are with him, limit the time spent and choose venues that dont create intimate options. Deal with the emotions as they arise. Remember that he almost certainly feels differently and you should not look for confirmation of love but the absence of it. Not brotherly love, romantic love. Because I was not familiar the two were not easily separated.

If he asks you at any point what's wrong, say boy troubles. It's honest but not disclosing. When and if he comes out or declares some attraction in the future (long time) you can honestly pursue the chance then and with integrity. That's the only way it works if it isn't just a mate you really like.
 

Nudistpig

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There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to anyone. But you know those feelings aren't being reciprocated so to pursue those feelings will most likely damage your friendship.

Most people have the need for intimacy. When those needs aren't being met, it's common for people to try to force what they have available to try and fill the void (emotionally and physically lol).

So basically you need to find a gay person to fulfill your gay needs and have your straight friend to just be your friend.

I also want to point out that sexuality isn't rigid, that the emotional confusion isn't just a gay issue straight dudes do it too, men can and should be emotional support and offer physical intimacy (I have had some really incredible nude platonic touch experiences with straight men recently that challenged me to rethink lots), and the issue here is its one sided and no communication therefore not workable. Loving someone is never wrong. Expecting them to love you the same way is. The idea that we're "forcing" is maybe true in the worst cases but I want to call for a little compassion and understanding. We're not all damaged men trying to get needs from the straight guys. We're all damaged men with needs.

I have sex with gay men, bi men, straight men, and sometimes women. A lesbian too. So my needs there are met by everyone. I have intimate touch with the same range of folks (gay men almost never interestingly enough). The difference is that I have learned over the years to not follow the path of most difficulty, ignore rules around consent, honesty, self analysis, integrity etc so when I do have a relationship that goes out of the bounds of the norms, it is fine because both parties consent and understand and plan and execute. I've learned to tell charismatic straight men that certain things are unacceptable if we want to not have issues (touching, flirting and leading questions). They always take it badly because they think it's being sophisticated. However, even that is less and less needed now because I decided to let the love I feel in me for some people express itself and enjoy it as a true and good experience. Slowing it down. Deciding to allow more or let it taper. I've fallen in romantic love maybe a dozen times this year, and none of those turned into anything serious. So be it. Twice they were/are straight and twice they reciprocated and said they loved me first. The difference is the love that I give in this instance is just what can be possible so early on. It's a suggestion and it is truly liberating to feel it without fear of loss, worry about outcomes, or whether or not it will come again. It comes daily sometimes. It goes too and the mourning of loss is immaterial. You can't lose what you never had. You can only ignore the good you did experience. The result is that most men and women don't read the social touch or physical interactions as gay (ass sex, vogue and hi nrg excluded) just as human. What I am saying is that we do not cherish the good in the love we have and as a result end up not loving.

My view is that your advice is great but I want to salvage one bit because I think that bit is important. Loving men is never wrong. We used to have 100 intimate beings in our social groups. That went to 10, then 4 now two. Two people cannot do the work of 100, the lack of intimacy in our culture isn't the fault of the individual it's the economic structure we live in. Which has done zero to solve the issue and rather created a mental health crisis using psychotropic drugs. (just fyi this is a response I don't intend this as a critique, it's adding to), the need for intimacy is not being met for most everyone. That is so important. We are so starved in fact that some of us read even the smallest kindness as intense romantic love. The read that it is loving to be kind is correct. The read that this means the person is our soul mate is not. But the brain, deprived of the neurotransmitters that make us happy and content which are only produced by close intimate touch jumps at the tiny splash and overcompensates because it is starving. That kicks the emotional response into disproportion.

97% of UK men in the early 20's are reporting snuggling close with mates at least once a month. That's 7% gay dudes by the math in there. This phenomenon is truly beautiful but it also demonstrates the bias to the gay man in the culture. His need to get intimacy is "force" but the straight guys are "growing". It's a tiny detail but you yourself are a gay man. I just want to say I hope you haven't been through this experience as it sucks in many ways.
 
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There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to anyone. But you know those feelings aren't being reciprocated so to pursue those feelings will most likely damage your friendship.

When there's unrequited attraction and desire, there is no genuine friendship since there's a disparity in the intent of why both people want the friendship; along with there being a power imbalance due to mismatched desire.

True friendship is a relationship of equals and is mutually beneficial to both people.
 

Brodie888

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When there's unrequited attraction and desire, there is no genuine friendship since there's a disparity in the intent of why both people want the friendship; along with there being a power imbalance due to mismatched desire.

True friendship is a relationship of equals and is mutually beneficial to both people.

I have friends for over 10 years who I know are sexually attracted to me but I have absolutely no sexual interest. We are friends because of other interests and enjoy going out, holidays, etc.
 
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I have friends for over 10 years who I know are sexually attracted to me but I have absolutely no sexual interest. We are friends because of other interests and enjoy going out, holidays, etc.

Fake friends. You're a narcissist.
 
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In general I'd agree that friendship is about equality and mutual benefit. But a friendship can't be equal on all fronts, there will always be imbalances - one or other will be richer, more successful, more attractive, more popular. I think it's how you manage those differences that makes a friendship work or not. If there's enough there that both parties are willing to make it work. It is quite possible to have genuine long term friendships with people who were romantically attracted/attractive to you. The infatuation stage is dangerous but that can be got over and usually doesn’t last. In my experience some of the strongest and most important friendships have had an element of (unrequited or uneven) romantic attraction along the line, it can add to the intimacy and sense of value. That applies to both straight and gay friends imo.
 

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Me and my straight mate are close he knows I'm gay but recently I've started dancing him more and more is that wrong and what do I do

A couple of things...

There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to him. Being gay (or attracted to men), naturally and logically it’s gonna happen and there’s nothing bad about that. I don’t understand why a lot of time on this site guys get negative responses when opening up about being attracted to their male straight friends. There’s no difference in that or men having females they are sexually attracted too. So you are not a bad friend.

Now you need to have a think are if you are friends with him solely because you are attracted to him or are you friends cause you have a mutual care and respect for each other, if it’s the second then you have a solid friendship and you don’t need to worry.
I guarantee you many if not most gay/bi/curious men have male straight friends they are or were attracted to. At some point the attraction either dissolves away and you are left with a great friend for life or you just bury it so it never causes issue to your friendship. It doesn’t fully go away but you realize it’s a greater risk to loose your friend so u don’t act on it.

Now if you find the attraction growing and you think about that more than just being a good friend that’s when you can have issues. That’s when you need to make a decision and within yourself confront your feelings. Just know that if you act on those feelings or open up to your friend about them you severely risk losing him as a friend and you have to accept that could happen. Maybe he will laugh it off, maybe he will be uncomfortable and walk away, maybe he will just say he doesn’t have feelings for you and that will be enough to dull or kill your sexual & emotional attraction, or maybe he will open up about the same feeling he has towards you. Any of those scenarios could play out but it’s a really high risk it not likely it will end in your favor.

Point of this long post is you should NOT feel bad about your feelings and it doesn’t mean u aren’t being a proper friend, but you definitely should confront them within yourself and analyze your true Intentions.