Living with Sex/Love Addiction

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Rocky14441, Jan 22, 2009.

  1. Rocky14441

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    For twenty years now I've been sober in A.A., but I have been really challenged by my sex and love addiction.

    For years I thought I was just a "wild guy", and for a lot of those years I was in a monogamous realationship, but I'd jerk off all the time, even when we were having sex every day. I got into internet porn, got on CUCME (Online jerking off on camera), and had lots of flirtation and close encounters.

    A couple of timmes over the years I've gone to Sex and Love Addicts meetings, but the idea of setting a "bottom line" and curtailing my activities is horrifying to me. Plus, I ended hooking up with a guy at the meeting. :eek: It didn't give me a lot of faith in the program.

    What I want to know is, are there any of you out there who have had the same experiences? Is there a middle ground?

    This all came up because my current bf has really challenged me on this.
     
  2. SpeedoMike

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    have you discussed this with a mental health professional? I'd listen to him/her before I'd trust the internet... just my opinion.
     
  3. MarkLondon

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    It sounds to me like it's more your bf's problem. Especially if you're being monogamous. Is he needy/clingy? A prude? Does he have a low sex-drive? Is he attempting to control/belittle you?

    Just how is he "challenging" you on this?
     
  4. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

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    I'm an AA member, too, and I'm not gonna take your 4th step inventory for ya! <grin>

    Seriously, I know that's not what you're asking. Stilll ... I've always noticed, for myself, that I need to pay attention to my inner reaction when something like this comes up.

    For instance, there are those times when an uncomfortable subject comes up, and my head is saying, NO NO NO THAT'S NOT ME! ... and coming up with all kinds of reasons why.

    Meanwhile, my heart ... soul ... something ... is saying quietly, Oh yeah ... that's you ... might as well face it.

    Personally ... I have doubts about some of those sex addiction groups ... and if I were in your shoes, I would be going back to an AA group that I trust, and talking about my fears that this could be true. I'd start putting the concept out there (about sex issues) with other people of similar grounding, to get it out in the air instead of stewing about it inside.

    But that's what I would do, and I don't want to be telling you how to live your life.
     
  5. Rocky14441

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    Thanks, good feedback. the conflict I get into is deiscering between those times when it feels right, as opposed to the times the little voices in my head tell me I'm just trying to avoid. I come from a background of super-prudes, so any variance from their norm of "it's all dirty" pulls a gut response out of me. At the same time, I spent the last twenty years trying hard not to be my parents, so I'm never sure what my motives are.

    And yeah, I am working with a therapist around this. She is really great, and often suggests I "give myself space" around this stuff: putting this up here for feedback is part of this.

    As for the bf, he is new to all this, and I think he's trying to figure out his own bundaries by observing and crtiticising mine. I take all that all with a grain of salt, but when I feel some truth in it, I try to listen.

    Thanks for all the feedback.
     
  6. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

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    Man, not my place to judge but ... it DOES sound like you're on top of this and not wasting time fooling yourself. Good luck!!!!
     
  7. SilverSoldier

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    The bottom line to addiction is that it's self destructive. If your sexual activities are not destructive to you or you partner(s) then it's probably okay. However, if you obsess about sex, and you feel "compelled" to do it, it's probably at least borderline addiction.

    The only way to correct a behavior is to look at what's going on in your mind. Thoughts equal actions. And you have to be in a place where you WANT to not be self destructive. If you are not willing to address this, your addiction continues.

    I've been through a sexual addiction program. It was very insightful, and extremely helpful to help me regain some balance. My addiction came as a result of severe abuse. Thankfully, I've addressed most of those issues, along with addiction. Life is better.

    There's a lot to this. But the bottom line is it doesn't matter what your b/f thinks. It matters what YOU think about your actions/behaviors. Are they self destructive to YOU? Do you perceive your behaviors as destructive to othrs?

    These are the issues for you to address. At least, from my experience, this is the case.
     
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