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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by HairyTXdude, Jun 2, 2010.
Can they work, or are they doomed to fail? Anyone got any stories? Go! :smile:
Funny you should mention this right now... Not only am I new to the site, I'm also newly in a long-distance relationship. :wink:
There are obviously special challenges, and I'd be skeptical that a LDR could work indefinitely, but I think they can work in the shorter-term. (And "shorter" in this context might even be measured in years, not just weeks or something.)
Modern technology helps a lot, I find. With a webcam, a microphone, and any of a number of free software tools, you can "see" and talk to your partner nearly every day, even if you can't be with them in reality. That really does make a huge difference, IMO... a much bigger difference than I might have imagined before experiencing it for myself.
I think another key is investing plenty of time in it... at least as much time as you would if it wasn't long-distance. An hour on a video call is great, but it's probably only equivalent to 30 minutes in person, if that.
Lastly, I think it's crucial for both parties to be completely honest (with themselves and their partner) about the realities of how sex will be handled. Can you (both) commit to being monogamous with someone you rarely see in person, and handle the physical needs with masturbation and webcam stuff? If so, great! (I know someone who maintained an exclusive, monogamous relationship from the U.S. west coast with someone on the east coast for almost two years in this manner, while seeing each other in person only once every two or three months for a day or three.)
But if not, better to be truthful about that and see if there's another viable solution. Strange as it may sound to some folks, it may be that an understanding that each partner may avail themselves of "friends with benefits" or "fuck buddies" occasionally, would actually be less destructive to the relationship than one partner remaining monogamous and believing the other was as well, only to learn later that they weren't...
If they couldn't work, I think military personnel would be totally screwed
If you're entering a relationship with someone you've met online, even if you don't have plans to move in together right away, I would make some effort to find some way for the two of you to meet offline and spend a good amount of time together (a shared vacation or something).
Regardless of how well you communicate, it's hard to really get a "feel" for who someone is until you've spent some time with them in real life too.
This is an interesting topic, applying it to my soon-to-be situation to be honest right now I am torn.
I go to University in September, and since last year I have been thinking about the pros and cons of having either a relationship at home, while at Uni, or a relationship at Uni with a girl I meet. For me, the common issue with the LDR idea is that I won't see them as often as I would like (and in a way I would like the space at Uni to study, not have her there for weeks at a time) and that is not an issue for me, but may be for the other. She may not feel loved, or cared about regardless of what I say. Then there is a lack of sex (I have a high sex drive) and trust issues I know most girls my age will have.
One of my lass mates is having the same issue now in her long-term but long-distance relationship. She hates being away from him for so long, and they tend to take it out on each other which could be just as detrimental to their studies as if they took up too much of each others times.
The Uni idea is that I have all I need there with me, however, it will be difficult to not get too distracted from the reason I am at Uni. Sounds easy but I have known very intelligent people fail at this hurdle because of a relationship.
The conclusion that applies to me is obvious - stay single to keep up my travel ambitions and meet different people along the way. However, I have a feeling I will meet someone at Uni
If you are considering a LDR, it depends on how much trust and how much love their is. There is no point if neither one can commit and be loyal not because you should but because you want to for each other.
I've had 2 LDR and with the first one i moved over 200 miles to be with him after 10 months.I got heartily sick of traipsing back and forth every weekend and so did he.We split up after 7 months as i couldnt bear his ways.
The second time the guy moved over 300 miles to move to the area that i live in....as it cost me an absolute fortune ringing him etc and i was gutted everytime he had to go home after visiting me....,eventually moving in with me.All was lush for a few weeks but i got sick of his lazy ways,greed and him sat palying on the PS2 for hours on end...in the end i kicked him out.
NO NO NO way would i have a LDR again.
Mines working quite well, touch wood.
...to be honest, I am sort of in one right now and have some thoughts about how I handle things. Someone mentioned military and this is very true, my man is being moved around every 2 years. I am a very long way away, in another country in fact. We get along pretty good, I have my own life and affairs going on as does he. So being faithful? Basically, I've made my position clear that I don't really care who he bangs on the side, nor do I want to really know. In return, I will have what fun I want to have here. We have a good time together and see a future 10 years down the road, etc. So, I tend to accept the fact its unrealistic of me to expect him to be faithful or even myself for that matter, we are sexual human beings. HOWEVER, if the whoring around exposes me to any negative aspect of such behaviour, such as deception when answering simple questions, time/priority placed lower to things that shouldn't be, developing romantic relationships with others knowing he is involved with me in that way, any negative financial consequences...I will be quick to leave and never look back and he is quite aware of this. So far, its been good, he sends emails and text messages and phone calls, etc. We'll see eachother again in mid-summer.
I have been in LDRs before and can say that they did not last (not only because they were long distance).
That said, my hubby and I met while thousands of miles apart and, after meeting and spending time, decided that we would make careful moves towards NOT being long distance. We started by seeing each other once a month and went from there. Eventually we moved in together.
At some point,IMO, it has to be an "In the same city/town/house" relationship more often than not or its just like posting with people you "know and care about" on a website. Probably fulfills some needs and makes you alternately happy and angry and, in the end, won't amount to much.
There's nothing like being physically present with each other.
rhinofnord's advice seems to be very good. It seems to be very thoughtful!
TheBF and I began as a long distance relationship, but I wasn't thoughtful about it. I wasn't practical at all about our relationship. I really just wanted TheBoyfriend very badly. I just wanted to enjoy as much time with him as I could for as long as I could.
He was working where I was living and we got to know one another socially, but I had a boyfriend at the time. I was instantly attracted to him, though, and I had several very naughty fantasies featuring him not long after we met. A few months after we met I broke up with my boyfriend, and I had decided that I was going to have TheBoyfriend next, but I didn't know that TheBoyfriend was leaving town!
He asked me out as soon as he discovered I was single, but we were already separated by distance and he wasn't returning to the place where I lived to work again for another few months. We talked on the phone every night for 1-3 hours a night and eventually decided to meet up in another city for the weekend. We did that at least once a month for the next year, usually just for a weekend in a different city, but for 1-3 weeks a few times in my city or his city. Eventually we moved in together and now I'm having his baby and we're getting married!
Awwww, congrats you two! :smile:
Aw, thank you! :kiss:
Of course they can work if you are both committed to making it work. If either of you have any doubts it's destined to fail or be a much bumpier ride unless you are both on the same page.
Lots of good insights brought up previously.
The challenge with all relationships is knowing the person you are investing in. The challenge with a long distance relationship is that it is almost impossible to know exactly who the other person is. They can present a facade to you that you can't look behind. How do you get to know someone that you only interact with by phone or video chat? Even if you spend time together on vacation...that's not a comprehensive way to interact with the other person. Maybe LDR's can work if you knew someone very well first...or if you plan to move closer relatively soon. But if you met online and have no plans to be closer...I can only speak from my own experience and say it has some serious challenges.
long distance relationships they fail all the time becuse they both think that they are going to cheat on each other.
yea that is true if they r commited
Never been in one myself. I've known several people who have been, albeit not for more than a year or so, and then either it's ended or one (or both) has moved to be together.
If you like spending a lot of time on the phone, long car rides/possibly plane, and rarely seeing each other and having sex then long distance relationships are for u!
I'm amazed now that I carried on a LDR with someone in the DC suburbs for four years, a five hour drive each way every Friday and Sunday night-- mostly for me. Total monogamy for four years ,which also seems incredible viewed through my subsequent sexual history. Two nights per week for four years is much more contact than some LDRs mentioned here. Now I spend three nights per week with my partner who is just over an hour's drive away, not quite a LDR but still one that allows me private space and time. Don't ever want a LONG distance relationship of the 250 mile variety again. But after decades of having my own space, a ZERO distance relationship of living together 24/7 has zero appeal.
I can tell you my personal experience. I had a boyfriend in another state. We started our relationship chatting for a while. The chat became a flirt....the flirt ended up with me taking a plane and going to visit him. Such a crazy thing but i thought he was worthy it. Since the first time we saw each other,we caught fire right away. We had a passionate week together. He introduced me to his friends,to his workplace and to his world. I don't mean to say it was love at first sight,but at least we got on very well together and we seemed to like each other a lot!
Time came for me to get back home. We both were very sad and i told him: "Listen,everything's great;i like you a lot....but i don't know where this is gonna lead....i mean, if i were a naif guy,i'd say everything's gonna be wonderful,we're gonna be together and happy,travelling around when we can....but real life teaches me that it is gonna be more time apart rather than together....so maybe we should consider it as a thing which started and ended here...."
But he soon replied: "I don't manage thinking about it this way. I wanna come to visit you,i don't wanna lose you....and maybe i could find a job in your city and maybe...."
"Don't make promises you won't be able to keep...."- I answered. "Life will tell!"
My heart was really broken,even though it had been only a week,it was like i had known him for months....it is hard to explain or describe.
Back home, we had a couple of weeks in which we talked a lot on te phone etc. Modern technology really helps!!!
After this period,he moved to my country for a seasonal job but it was really on the other side of the state! so we couldn't meet for a long long time. Because of his very busy job,we rarely talked....he worked from the morning to late night....we had just a good-morning-text,a lunch-time text,and a good-night-text.
I hardly handled the situation.....the more i needed him,the more he was not there. One night i was crazy,really,and phoned him almost in tears.....that night he told me: "Honestly, i don't think we can go on like this. I am stuck in here for 3 months with no time even for myself....you are far away,we cannot meet....this is gonna lead nowhere...."
So we decided to remain friends,though i was already in love with him.
After a few months we met again and our feeling for each other had not changed. The only thing i wanted was to have one more kiss,but at my request he answered: "If i do kiss you,it is gonna be a very unwise thing. I know i can hardly get over you if i kiss you again,and we know we cannot be together....so please,don't....".
The more the sorrow grew in me,the more i loved him.
We met other times,once in a while....and tried to be friends but....it hardly works when you have or had feelings of other type for someone.....
The moral is: to me it works ONLY if both lovers have the same possibilities to move in a "short" period time and if there is the same level of deep interest on the two sides. I shoul add that it is better if the long distance relationship starts after a normal relationship....because if there is something deep and maybe love between the two,it is easier to keep it alive....if it is something that starts as a long distance one,it is usually not gonna last much. Love needs time spent with the other person to be real...this type of realtionship is very fascinating and intense because you can imagine and dream of it as perfect,more than you really verify in daily life whether it is or not!