Long Term Relationships

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by SpoiledPrincess, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. SpoiledPrincess

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    I'm not going to qualify everything I say with 'some' 'a lot' 'often'.

    I see people now getting married, setting up homes together and they go into it with this attitude that it's temporary, that this relationship will do if something better doesn't come along. At the first sign of trouble they leave the relationship. I'm divorced but I worked damned hard to make my marriage work, and when I entered into it I believed that it would last for ever. People make pre-nups, to me that's entering into a marriage with the attitude that you don't expect it to work, that you have no faith in it. Their sex lives get a bit boring and instead of working together to make that better, spicing it up one on one their first thought is to bring someone else into it. A relationship should be about two people. Some people make open marriages work, that's always been the case, but it's not been the norm but now an interest in cuckoldry, in swinging, in getting into a relationship on the understanding sexual fidelity won't be a part of it seems to be common place. People get married and although you still have a right to some things that are exclusively your own you should think of yourself as a couple, a unit and work together to keep things interesting.

    Just a few random thoughts, what are yours?
     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I'm anti-relationship. :smile:
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    I think it's fascinating to read fiction that was written 100, 200 or even 300 years ago, and to see the complete difference in moral tones and values. (And no, I'm not talking Jane Austen. I'm talking Tolstoy et al.)

    There are so many advantages to making a LT relationship work, especially financial security and emotional security for the children, etc.

    The problem was always that it was mostly men who had it both ways.

    But before you accuse me of being a bra burning feminist, understand that I am NOT.

    Women NEEDED to be protected because there wasn't effective birth control, and paternity was (and is) a big deal.

    When the sexual revolution began in the 1960's, it was the first time, EVER, that women were finally able to experience some of the freedoms that men had enjoyed for thousands of years.

    Women finally had sexual freedom. And once women got a taste of that, there wasn't any going back.

    = = = = = =

    I believe that with longer life expectancies, dwindling birth rates, and medical advances (growable replacement organs, etc.), we're going to see a very different future.

    LTRs will be very different in the future than they are now.

    Maybe this ramble doesn't mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me. :rolleyes:
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    But don't you feel that people have somehow lost their way. I watched some old film a while ago, a man and a woman by a riverbank, smoking a cigarette and drinking a bottle of coke, they were in love but both married to other people, they were discussing whether they should pursue their love and they decided that honourably they couldn't, they tossed their bottles into the river and left. Now they wouldn't give a second thought to being unfaithful but they'd never toss their bottles into the river. We've all got new roles but many of us seem to have difficulties just being a man or a woman, many don't even seem to know what those roles should be. And don't get me started on parenting :)
     
  5. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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    I always thought a pre-nup was a guaranteed slap in the face, and possible kick in the sack.

    You're right, SP, how anyone can do that is beyond me. Why get married then? Just for the hell of it?
     
  6. Guy-jin

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    Meh. I was ridiculously drunk once, with the girl of my dreams grinding my lap at a party at my apartment. I finally just kissed her really deeply.

    Then, through my drunken haze, I remembered that I had a girlfriend, and I stopped, told her to get off me and that I was sorry, and I left.

    Biggest mistake of my life, in retrospect.

    Point being, life isn't movies.
     
  7. SpoiledPrincess

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    Movies often reflect the social mores of the time,
     
  8. Guy-jin

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    By that theory, I would have taken the girl of my dreams, fucked her brains out that night and lived happily ever after with her, because of the immoral times we live in.

    Instead, I decided consciously to be as magnanimous as a man can be after a moment of infidelity and continued in a dead end relationship for three more years when I could have been with a woman I desire to this day from that night on.

    Sorry, but I don't buy that stuff. I didn't cheat on my girlfriend then, not because of the social mores of the time, but because even while ridiculously drunk, I realized it wasn't the right way to behave.
     
  9. SpoiledPrincess

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    Your belief it wasn't the right way to behave is influenced by what's considered right and wrong in your society though isn't it - when you're a kid your parents teach you right and wrong, although some parents now teach their kids that whatever they want to do is the right thing.
     
  10. snoozan

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    Which is why, eventually, you might just luck into finding someone that you can build a good life with and make a good husband and father if you choose. The thing I value most in my husband is his fidelity. I can trust that man with anything because he's honorable and has solid morals. He's made my life immeasurably better for being the kind of guy you just described. So there you go, that's my cotton-pickin opinion.
     
  11. Guy-jin

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    Not really. My belief that it wasn't the right way to behave was motivated by my knowledge that it would break my girlfriend's heart, and I'm not cruel enough to do that to someone, even if we're not in a great relationship.
     
  12. Guy-jin

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    Dammit, woman.
     
  13. snoozan

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    Which is the kind of thing that makes long term relationships work. The truth is, all relationships suck at one time or another, even the good ones. It's having that foresight to not make rash decisions like that based on a committment that makes a long term relationship work. IMO.
     
  14. whatireallywant

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    Yeah, I've always thought that pre-nups were pretty much guaranteeing a divorce. I can see it if one person has a lot of money and the person they are marrying doesn't, in a way, but it still pretty much guarantees divorce.

    I'm coming to the conclusion, however, that I am more likely to be a swinger than be in a total monogamous relationship. I think I've always been this way, just didn't see it as clearly as I do now. I've been in an open relationship before (and am pretty much still in it, although we both know that there will never be a marriage or anything there - due to emotional and financial instability on his part. But we will always be at least friends). I will try to make a relationship work, don't get me wrong, but I think it would be very difficult for me to just be with one and only one person for the rest of my life, I guess unless he is totally mind-blowing in bed! :biggrin1:

    One comment on what Hotmilf said in a previous post: I am SO glad that I live now, with available birth control, rather than in the past! I would hate to be a prisoner of my anatomy, which is what I would have been back then. Since I have no maternal instincts, I would have either had to have children I had absolutely no desire for, or deny my sex drive completely. Neither of these are acceptable to me.
     
  15. Guy-jin

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    Yeah, and my girlfriend at that time and I certainly had our ups and downs. At that moment, we were having a down. At other times we were up. Eventually, after five years, I asked myself if I could marry her and be happy, and the answer was no, so I ended it.

    I didn't find it that complicated. I just wish I had been able to figure it out sooner. But then again, maybe I needed that much experience to really find the right person for myself.
     
  16. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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    My consience is always kicking my ass. I could do the most minute thing that could be seen as bad, and it will weigh me down like a ton of bricks. That being said, I could never cheat on someone I was with.

    BUT, if I wasn't happy in a relationship, and for good reasons too. Like the girl was just a total bitch to me and treated me like dirt, then I would take the shot with the girl I knew would be my dream girl. But even then I would have to break up with the relationship girl first before I did anything with the dream girl. If the dream girl couldn't honor my integrity for not wanting to cheat, then she's not the one either.
     
  17. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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    Sarcasm it may be but thats my stance these days
     
  18. Guy-jin

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    Exactly. If it had been six months ago, I would have broken up with my girlfriend and stayed with my dream girl. I didn't really understand first how poorly my relationship with my girlfriend would turn out, nor how much that dream girl felt for me, and those are why I call it such a grave mistake. But sometimes we miss these things for a reason. Clearly I wasn't mature enough to understand those things a few years ago. Now, I think I'd be able to see it almost immediately.
     
  19. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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    It's the price you pay for wanting to be an upstanding guy, unfortunately. Same for other guys like us.
     
  20. Not_Punny

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    BTW... prenuptials ARE a big deal. The lack of them almost screwed me for life financially when I divorced my ex, and I will NOT marry again without things being clearly stated.

    When you have assets or potential assets, they need to be protected. It's not romance, it's business.
     
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