Longest post ever

tallguypns

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I appreciate all the responses, and I intend on answering each of you when I have the right frame of mind and the time to do so.

I feel that there is so much more that I need to say to justify who I am to you, but, as I feared with what I've already written, it would just be called yet another whining sesssion by tallguy.

I find it encouraging that some of you have offered advice and shown support.

But, true to my own nature, I find it incredibly sad that i've had to have this discussion here. Not because you are inferior people, but because my behaviour is offensive to those who call me an online friend and because I dont have anyone in my real life that I can talk to.
 

fortiesfun

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Well, I came back for one more point and found your post.

First, I think it is healthy that you are having this discussion here, not offensive. No one has to read it who does not want to, and those of us who do, know that it makes sense to go where friends are. For many of us our strongest friends are now associated with this site.

You don't need to justify yourself. The point of my earlier post, in part, is that more of us than you can imagine identify almost directly with your situation. We understand that you are not whining, you're reaching out for some help. That is a great thing to do.

Now, the reason I came back this morning is that I keep thinking about your suicidal ideation, and your statement that fear of the other side is what prevents you: Damn right. You should stay afraid. It is the healthiest point in your post. The most important thing my therapist ever told me: Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem.
 

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Hey man. Yeah I identify with a LOT of what you posted as well. Other than the clinical depression (though I have gotten close to that a few times too) your life story could be mind, with a few exceptions of course. I do not consider you whiny and never have. Maybe some small-minded or small-hearted people here told you that at some point, but they're wrong. You are only expressing yourself and I think that's a large part of what this board is about, or should be about, anyway. I agree with the guys who've suggested a work-out program. The "Y" should be very affordable for you, and they too offer a sliding scale for enrollment, at least they do here at ours locally. One caveat - get your heart & lungs tested either by the trainers there or by your doctor first. I had a heart valve disorder that I knew about & always kept a good watch on - but many people don't realize they have heart valve or other health issues that could contra-indicate a workout regimen. Best of luck to you, man, and message me anytime.....I'd be happy to talk to ya if you ever need that.
 

rob_just_rob

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Tallguypns,

I've read through the thread... and in many ways, you remind me of how I was, several years ago. So I found the following really resonated:

Why am I so miserable? Why do I have no friends? Why cant I get a date? Why do the days just slip past me and I feel like i've accomplished nothing with my life? Why do I struggle just make it through a day sometimes, while all the time appearing normal to everyone else? Why do I keep saying things to people that consider me a friend that makes them not want to be my friend anymore? Why can I not stop the "poor me" stuff that I always resort to here and elsewhere? *note, this behavior is purely an online behavior, and not how I act in life. I'm not saying I dont feel this way in life, but rather I can control it there* Why is it the only reason I havent killled myself, thus far, is my incredible fear of what's on the other side of life?

Depression sucks. I'm not sure if you're (speaking from a medical perspective) depressed, but it sounds like you might be. It becomes a vicious circle: feel depressed, withdraw, get ignored (because it's hard for people to pay attention to you when you're withdrawn), get more depressed, repeat.

A few years ago, after a particularly painful breakup, I spent some time with a therapist and asked her the same questions you posed in the section I just quoted. And the bottom-line response is - YOU have to take control of your life, and not just wait for things to happen. Nobody is going to show up to change your life. But change your life yourself, and people will show up to be in it.

There's been a lot of great advice in this thread. Join a gym. Start up with music again. Go out more, join a club. Do something you've always wanted to do, but never had the guts to until now. Find out if there's a medical reason for your feeling the way you do, and if there is, get it addressed by a professional. And, I hate to say it, but get off the internet, or at least, spend less time on it (my piece of concrete advice). I had a wonderful web of internet relationships, oh, 10 years ago or so, but none of them were ever going to blossom into a real, in-person relationship. Perhaps few do. The best thing I did was give a lot of that up and make myself go out and meet people who lived near me and had similar interests.

Above all, do things that make you feel good about yourself. Nobody is going to love you unless you love yourself.

Take baby steps at first if you feel you need to. Or go-all out into something that you've always wanted to. Understand that this is a process, and not something that happens instantaneously. But - and please trust me on this - rest assured that this does work. I am living proof.

Feel better. And get on this stuff. Not next week. Now.
 

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tallguypns said:
...

But, true to my own nature, I find it incredibly sad that i've had to have this discussion here. Not because you are inferior people, but because my behaviour is offensive to those who call me an online friend and because I dont have anyone in my real life that I can talk to.


Tall---I find it incredibly amazing that you were able to bear your soul in such a transparent way here. As one who himself has had a difficult past and has (now) more online friends than community friends, I can empathize with that, I empathize with your depression (dysthymia) and your struggles with self-image and self-love.

What I want you to realize is that you do have the power to evince change in yourself. As humans we have the power to re-create much of ourselves. You have the strength to do this (it took tremendous strength to write those posts).

Think about beginning your work on the inside (emotional affect, loving yourself, etc.) and with more work there, move to the outside.

We're here for you, handsome.
 

tallguypns

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tripod said:
Tallguy I didn't read anything about your spirituality. Do you have any? I am going to mention an author you should read, his name is Wayne Dyer. His teachings have led millions (including myself) to inner peace, because that is what we are talking about. Your ability to be honest with yourself is 10 x 7.5 uncut. I wish you well Tallguy, that was a very touching life story, I am humbled.

I vaguely consider myself a Christian, although the reasoned scientific part of my mind tells me there is no god. Pretty hard to be spiritual in a religion that tells you you're going to hell because of who you are.
 

tallguypns

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rawbone8 said:
I argue that humour has real value for some (well for me for instance) and laughter is a gift that tickles, brings people together and or can also lacerate and make people refect. That wit of yours is lightning fast and I wonder if you've ever tried standup or improv comedy. Join a workshop and try out. If you're successful at drawing attention to an obvious strength — that might even get you laid.

You're brave to be so candid. I hope you take some encouragement from your fellow posters here. You are appreciated.

Rob

i dont think there are any sort of stand up workshops in this town. There arent even any stand up clubs. I dont really think that my wit is appropriate for stand up or improv anyway.
 

tallguypns

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Max said:
Tallguy:



Second, and this is more by way of conjecture. For straight men who run into women trouble, for instance when women don't seem interested, or the right women don't seem interested, or who suffer rejection; their male friendships are often what keeps them going. I can see that the grey areas between sex and friendship might be much harder to manage for gay men. Might it work better, or at least build you up in confidence, if you put romance on the back burner and just concentrated on making one or two really good friends (and not cyber friends) for a good while? Maybe a common interest of music has to be the key to this for you. Enjoy what you enjoy and pay attention to that and the friendships will happen, would be my guess.

I've been making concerted efforts at making friends here, but because of my anxietys and other issues, i've been attempting to do this online on gay.com. People say they want friends, but then insist on a picture. Once pictures are exchanged, they suddenly have no more interest in me. This cycle has been repeated about 100 times with me so far in this town.
 

tallguypns

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Skull Mason said:
Tallguy-
I myself have some social issues. I got in a car accident about a year and a half ago; broke my neck, shoulder blades, ribs, and my ear got ripped off and and since has been surgically repaired along with the skin on my neck.

I really hope you get back to 100% soon, especially in the brain department.

As far as working out goes....I did that a few years back, and while I lost a few pounds I didnt feel any better about myself.
 

tallguypns

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MattBrick said:
Hey, I'm really surprised to have read this from you.
I don't want to give the impression that I am gaying out on here or anything, lol, and I don't say this kind of thing real often
but, I always noticed your picture, and thought what a good looking guy you were. You stand out on here, because you look like a cool guy, regular, friendly, manly and very confident. A lot of the pictures of guys I see on here, not to offend, are kind of...sleezy I guess the best word would be.

Reading your posts, I've always gotten the impression that you are intellegent and funny, and wanted to private message you a few times.

I don't know where all this is coming from, but maybe it shows you, that out own and other people's peceptions of us are very different.

Suprised why? Because you think i"m a good looking guy or funny or smart? All the other people that are around me in real life wouldnt have a clue I was going through this either. That doesnt change the fact that I am. Oh, and be careful not to gay out too much. That might be a terrible thing, for someone to think you're gay. lol
 

tallguypns

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roosevelt said:
Deep depression causes us, in spite of our hearts desires, to continue to give into self destructive mindsets.

Be encouraged, your feelings are VERY real, but they are not an accurate guage of reality.

Find help, please seek a professional, they can do more for you than you might imagine.

I leave you with this, atributed to Nelson Mandella at his innagural speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

You are an amazing person, don't be afraid to be yourself, and let all the parts of you that you like, shine!

Despite my ability to make a friend, a girlfriend, and some one night stands earlier in my life, it doesnt mean that I didnt feel the same way about myself then as I do now.

The Mandella text is inspiring.
 

tallguypns

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BronxBombshell said:
I would like to talk to you about this. What I have to say would take so much space, that I'd prefer to say it, not type it. May I call you? Or can we use a voice-over-ip program? Give me the answer the next time you're on Yahoo, please.

We do care about you here. You are ours. And this is your online home.

my skype id is in my profile.
 

tallguypns

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fortiesfun said:
Your long post is most interesting and I do not discount it, but the incidents in the start don't seem to add up to the conclusions at the end. It doesn't seem a particularly crappy past.

I never said or even intended to imply I had a crappy past. I merely recounted my experiences. If I had said: "My past was the most wonderful time in my life. I had ever wish fulfilled, and everyone loved me" would it make my problem with depression and my attitude any less of a problem?

And about the common gay experience that you mentioned. What does THAT say about homosexuals? It's ok for everyone to treat everyone crappy because they're gay? Just a thought.
 

tallguypns

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Lex said:
Tall---I find it incredibly amazing that you were able to bear your soul in such a transparent way here. As one who himself has had a difficult past and has (now) more online friends than community friends, I can empathize with that, I empathize with your depression (dysthymia) and your struggles with self-image and self-love.

What I want you to realize is that you do have the power to evince change in yourself. As humans we have the power to re-create much of ourselves. You have the strength to do this (it took tremendous strength to write those posts).

Think about beginning your work on the inside (emotional affect, loving yourself, etc.) and with more work there, move to the outside.

We're here for you, handsome.


If there's anything i've ever tried to do here, it's be true about myself to the membership. I could fake a personality. I could fake a profile. I could even put fake pictures up and claim i'm 9". What would be the point in that. I came here for support for my own issues with my lack size in a way.
 

malinariboy

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Good Lord!! Once I'm able to get the tears to stop, I may be able to comment on this. I have no sage words of advice. I have too much that I am able to relate to here. However, I can tell you that I think wether percieved as a negative or a positive by outside people, sometimes it is the essence of who we are that makes us beautiful. (Part) of your essence right now is deep pain. My heart aches as I read the feelings you share. What you're feeling about yourself and the things that have happened to you, to get you to the point of telling us how you feel and where you are in your head/soul/heart, in and of itself, has been a blessing, (if you will) to all of us who have been effected & deeply moved by what you've shared.(See? Even pain CAN be beautiful) Because you're making a difference...
For me personally, just to know that there are other people out there that have the thoughts that I have, deal w/ the fears that I deal with, etc. is somehow strangely validating to me. I am amazed and humbled to see that in the most unlikely place, people can be so beautiful and show true concern for someone.
My point being;You have done something for "ME!" You have through agonizing pain, reached out to the only place where you felt as though you may be heard, or at the very least, what do you have to loose sharing it on HERE?(not meaning to offend) I have been through so very much in my 42yrs.(and I DO remember!)that I try and hurdle over every day of my life. I have come so far and yet have been spinning my feet lately. Thank you for being a fellow soul out there, that even in your darkness, was able to make a difference for those of us who have had the privledge of experiancing just an eenth of what you go thru. Realizing that "sorry's," dont help, I won't go there. However, please know that in your pain and ability to share, & the chain reaction that happened w/ everyone stepping up and trying to offer something, my faith is not restored, but it is certainly fluffed up & intact. That alone gives me the air in my lungs that I need to get thru another day,...and I thank you for it:wink: 'Bo'
 

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The notion of Transfiguration that is told in countless religious texts is what is in order here. TallGuy, you are not this person that is standing in those shoes you are wearing. You are leasing his body and brain for this lifetime. The person inside is YOU, not the unique creation that was born on September 20th. YOU NEED TO STOP IDENTIFYING YOURSELF WITH YOUR PAST! IT IS LIKE THE WAKE BEHIND THE BOAT, DO NOT LET THE WAKE PROPEL THE BOAT, YOU WILL SINK!!!!!!! You need to develop a cocoon and come out as a butterfly. The butterfly is your sacred self, the caterpillar is the bag of bones and chemicals that make up your physical existence. Leave them behind brother, I beg this of you. This will not be easy, as you will have to recapitulate your negative life experiences, and then throw them all away! This can only be done when YOU ARE READY TO LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY (THIS MUST BE DONE IN ORDER TO ENSURE YOUR SURVIVAL). Take that little boy that is inside of you and hug the shit out of him, stroke his hair and tell him he is beautiful. LOVE YOURSELF TallGuy, we are all pulling for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:drive:
 

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tallguypns said:
i dont think there are any sort of stand up workshops in this town. There arent even any stand up clubs. I dont really think that my wit is appropriate for stand up or improv anyway.

Tallguy--

Well, wait no more. Ever heard of Judy Carter? She is a fine comedian. She has comedy workshops online. http://www.comedyworkshops.com/index.html

She also has some great comedy books on how to do Stand Up: I have a few of her books. One is called: "The Stand Up Comedy Book" and the other one is: "The Comedy Bible". Both are great insightful books on the ins and outs of standup". Check out those books. You can probably get them on Amazon. You can perform stand up comedy anywhere not just in "stand up comedy clubs". You can even incorporate your musical talents into your act.
You can use your own life to create your comedy material.

You know what else? It is never ever too late for a great (childhood) adulthood. Somebody, somewhere has these same doubts about their lives, as well. You aren't alone. You can rewrite your script. You first have to find out what is most important to you. You have to know what it is you want in your life. If you are having difficulties getting what you want...are there any other alternatives that you can live with without sacrificing your self esteem?
What would make you truly happy in your life? Figure out in real life--whether or not if that's feasible? If not, what are some alternatives that you can live with?

If you find yourself complaining a lot, then learn to stop those behaviors that aren't working for you. (Again, rewriting your script...) For every complaint you have, try and find five really good things to be really appreciative about and to be blessed to have.

Exercise every day. Do something get out of the house. Develop some other hobbies and interests. Maybe do redecorating at your place. Getting rid of clutter does a lot as well. Color is everything. Moods can really be affected by color. Ever lived in a basement of a house that was painted in flat forest green? I have. I was never sooo depressed. I had to repaint it a color like the inside of a fresh cut peach or mango color. I also had to repaint my home studio buttercream yellow. Now I can work in there. I am happier.

As far as dating, jobs, or whatever, rejection is one step closer to acceptance. Rejections can be blessings as well.
How I deal with rejection is simply dealing with it. It is all about expectation. Example: We meet a hottie. We expect that he will be the one. When it doesn't happen that way in our expectations. We feel that we are flawed. Flawed in not being able to keep a man. This expectation and perspective are flawed. I used to hate being rejected by guys. Then, I had to reassess my choices in men. I had to create my own get togethers. Sometimes, gay bars aren't the best places to feel comfortable in.

Everybody on this thread has given you some really great advice. I hope that in some way you will find your way back on track in all matters of your life and have it be on your terms. Good luck.
 

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tallguypns said:
If there's anything i've ever tried to do here, it's be true about myself to the membership. I could fake a personality. I could fake a profile. I could even put fake pictures up and claim i'm 9". What would be the point in that. I came here for support for my own issues with my lack size in a way.

Some people can not deal with each other's truths. If men or women can't handle who you truly are, you are better off without them in your life. There's nothing you can do about the size of your penis. Be happy with what you have. Be honest about who you are.
 

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tallguypns said:
Why am I so miserable? Why do I have no friends? Why cant I get a date? Why do the days just slip past me and I feel like i've accomplished nothing with my life? Why do I struggle just make it through a day sometimes, while all the time appearing normal to everyone else? Why do I keep saying things to people that consider me a friend that makes them not want to be my friend anymore? Why can I not stop the "poor me" stuff that I always resort to here and elsewhere? *note, this behavior is purely an online behavior, and not how I act in life. I'm not saying I dont feel this way in life, but rather I can control it there* Why is it the only reason I havent killled myself, thus far, is my incredible fear of what's on the other side of life?


For taking the time to read this and for your input, thanks you.

*edit*
Although, now upon some reflection, I feel about what I've just asked...
This is a large penis site. I dont have a large penis. Why would anyone even give a fuck what i've written about?

We give a fuck because we care about our friends at LPSG. I distinctly remember lurking around earlier this year reading some of your posts in particular. Your droll sense of humour made me laugh out loud many times and showed me how much fun you and many other posters have on this site and that's why I decided to join. I've perused many other boards where all they do is bitch and moan and while we have our moments here at LPSG, I find it a most welcome place and have developed some surprising and wonderful relationships with other posters. You may have developed a few of your own and you obviously knew you would receive support here. It's one of the things I love about this site. We rant and complain endlessly here, but somehow manage to pull ourselves together to support each other.

It takes great courage to reach out to others and becomes easier only with time and practice. I can't give you answers for your why's but I do know that reaching out and asking for support during difficult moments in life is the most crucial step. Those who support you create the momentum for whatever it is you seek in life. You listed your personal assets so you know you have much to offer, maybe more than you realize. Depression dulls one's self-perception and leaves you with a somewhat skewed image of yourself. Temporary depression is one thing, perpetual depression hampers one's ability to see things clearly. Breaking unwanted patterns and creating new ones are difficult at best and often outside help in whatever form is what can help you kick start your new life.

My only advice is to use every available resource within your grasp. You've already broached us for our services :biggrin1: Keep up the momentum and don't stop until you're satisfied. My PM door is always open, Eeyore. Use it whenever you get the urge. :kiss: