Looking for Advice/Feedback on my Current Situation (First post!)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_vtrr56sew, Aug 18, 2011.

  1. D_vtrr56sew

    D_vtrr56sew New Member

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    Hello LPSG. So glad I found this great forum. Look forward to chatting with you all. :smile:

    Here's the deal: Last summer, I had an internship in an office in Brooklyn. While there, I met a hot guy in his early 50's (I'm 18) who I was INSTANTLY attracted to. I would later find out that he's gay which was like a dream come true to me. However, I was still closeted at the time and I never even hinted to him that I was interested, nor did I make the slightest move.

    Fast forward to this summer (I've come out since then). I happened to bump into him last month at a cafe near where we worked. I was just coming from the beach with a lady friend of mine and I was sunburned and my hair was going in 9 different directions, so I felt stupid that I had to bump into him looking like that :tongue:. We chatted for two minutes on line together and he told me I looked good! My brain froze and I should have said "you too" :wink::cool: in response to let him know I was interested. But I didn't. We then went our separate ways.

    I eventually summoned up the courage to add him as a facebook friend, and then send him a private message. I just laid everything out there for him, telling him that I'm gay and I've been attracted to him for a while. The next day, he responded. He told me how touched he was that I felt comfortable to reach out to him. Also, he said "the attraction is mutual" but he has a partner of eight years (dammit). But he told me he'd love to be friends and that he wanted to meet up.

    We set up a date for this past Thursday. I met him in the Village at a cool Mexican joint for burritos and margaritas, etc. The "date" (if that's what you want to call it) went really well. I was nervous going in, but after the first 15 minutes, that faded away. We had good chemistry and got to know each other much better, since we had never even talked for more than a few minutes previously. We stayed in the restaurant for an hour and a half just talking and then we walked around lower Manhattan for a while. I had dropped a few more hints throughout the night that I liked him, but he didn't return any of them verbally. Although I think he did like me. At certain points throughout the night, we'd make eye contact, and it would just click. I felt it. And later as we walked, he'd put his hand on me softly and gently pat or rub my back or shoulder. I started to get hard just from that.

    I had so many thoughts going through my head and I had a ton of questions for him about sex and whatnot since a lot of this is new to me. I asked him if his partner knew we were out together and he said yes. He told me that he read him the facebook message I'd originally sent him. I then asked if his partner minded that we were together for the night and he said no. He told me that he's (his partner, that is) extremely cool and laid-back, and that WHEN I meet him, I'll see why. :biggrin1:

    As we were walking, I wanted to kiss him, but we didn't get the opportunity to sit down alone somewhere. We did get ice cream though and then went our separate ways. Both of us enjoyed the night very much, and we agreed to make time again before I leave for Philly for college (in seven days).

    At this point, I know what I want. I'm interested in this guy sexually and would be willing to do something with him (even if it's just a kiss, although I do want more). But he's in a committed relationship. He did tell me about how he and his partner had a foursome with a couple in their 30's a few years back, so that tells me that it's definitely a possibility. He's flirty and uses winky faces in our text message exchanges, but I don't know if he genuinely wants me or if he's just being a big flirt and a tease. I guess things will be a lot more clear after we meet up a second time. He did text me today telling me he wanted to see me soon.

    What do you guys think?



    P.S.: The age difference between us might freak some of you out. But it's what I'm comfortable with. I'm attracted almost exclusively to older guys (40+), and I feel right around this guy.

    Thanks in advance for your opinions and input.
     
  2. ANYCSURFER

    ANYCSURFER New Member

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    Always remember who YOU are! You sound like an extremely intelligent and thoughtful individual whom is mature beyond his years. This is the perfect time in your life to explore and New York is a great place for that!
    Did you go to Tortilla Flats? because I actually live upstairs. Ill be honest Im in your age range, was a competitive triAthlete who has always felt that growing up means to stop growing! Let me know if you want to go out for a cup a joe. This is not a romantic invite; well, not really, its just that Im pretty happy go lucky. Its late and Im really sorry if you take this response the wrong way I just have a slight feeling that we could be friends. Im a young 40 something who has a better mind when to talking in person and Id love to be able to help you with this situation as I really DO know exactly what its like from both sides of the coin (Last Platitude) because I have actually been on both sides and in all sincerity have had to work my way through them both... relationships are the final frontier and without them what do we learn, NOTHING!
    Again I forgive me for the forward response.
    Peace
     
    #2 ANYCSURFER, Aug 18, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2011
  3. pwrdick

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    Hey NYCMan,

    I see a lot of myself in you when I was younger and less experienced. The older, attractive guys who had their act together were amazingly magnetic to me. I now realize that what I was mostly looking for was what I was lacking in myself at that age - (apparent) total self confidence, an easy-going approach to life and stability that really only age and success can bring.

    I am now that older man that I was once so strongly drawn to. I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, and have had wonderful success in my career where I was an 'out' professional. And, I suspect, you will be too as time passes (I agree with the writer above - you come across very well and obviously have a lot going for you). Now in my 50's, I often see younger gay men also drawn to me. Because of my own experience, I am very open to mentoring and friendship these guys. But I usually draw the line with sexual relations with them, and I make that clear fairly early on (in a gentle, positive way).

    You could gain a LOT from a friendship with this man - you can gain more insight about how he made it through his earlier years in his career and in sex and relationships, and his experiences will worthwhile to 'try on'. Do NOT take it personally if he draws the line at sex, or if he seems more casual about sex with you without any intention of becoming more than a fuck buddy. Guys my age and his know that sex is one thing; a partnership is something else. Do not expect that he is ever going to leave his partner - if you guys do have sex, it will be as a playful romp that will add some dimension to your relationship. But what you'll gain most from your friendship will (hopefully) be a positive, guiding role model who genuinely wants you to be even more succesful at life than he was (and believe me, all older men look back with knowledge that they could have done even more with a little more wisdom at a younger age).

    Best wishes, my friend,
    Marc
     
  4. pwrdick

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    Oh, and welcome to the site! I am sure you will get plenty of input from the guys here.
     
  5. D_vtrr56sew

    D_vtrr56sew New Member

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    Thanks for the comments.

    Marc, I think I'm in a slightly different situation than you were at my age. I feel confident and comfortable in my own skin. I'm just physically not attracted to anyone my own age, or even only a little older. It's been like that since I first started becoming attracted to men several years ago. For example, there's plenty of kids in my HS who I thought were good looking, but never once did I strongly want to do anything sexual with any of them.

    As to my guy having a partner, I completely understand and in no way do I ever expect him to break that off to be with me. I'm just trying to gage the situation slowly and not rush in. If he makes a move or lets me know he wants more, I won't decline.
     
  6. D_Rufus_D_Dufus

    D_Rufus_D_Dufus Account Disabled

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    IMO the attraction that you have for him might be blinding you. I think you should know where to draw the line out of respect for his partner if he does attempt anything. He may have told you that his partner is "cool & laid back" about you two hanging out but honestly how do know without even meeting him?
     
  7. piratebulldog

    piratebulldog Member

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    Echoing this excellent response. There is not just you and the cool dude here. There is a partner. That should mean something. The fact that it doesn't seems to be of no issue to you. Gain a little life experience and put yourself in that man's place. I am not so sure that you would be 'laid back' about it all.
     
  8. Bbucko

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    This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking, too.

    Guys in relationships are completely forbidden fruit to me, except for a one-off hook-up. Building a relationship of any kind with someone who cannot completely commit is not a great idea.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    Do Not Poach if he says he's in a committed relationship. You will just spoil a very good possible friendship. Instead, try to meet and befriend his partner too. You will learn twice as much!

    As someone who had a 'daddy' attraction and had my first LTR with a man in his 50s when I was 20, I think I can empathize a bit. In retrospect, my first love never actually deceived me on anything, but he must often have despaired at my ignorance of how to keep a relationship fair and balanced. But I was not any sort of man-stealer; he was cruising and available. I do not think we would have lasted as long, or even become a couple, if he had been somebody else's at the time. I would have felt guilty.

    I did manage to learn a tremendous amount anyway, about life as well as love.
     
  10. rbkwp

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    Sounds like your mature in many ways OP
    Suggest with only 7/6 days before yr departure, perhaps a best bet could be to ask or 'invite' yourself into his and his partners life.
    In a nice way just suggest to him you would like to meet his partner as well and perhaps learn a little of the Gay lifestyle,
    He may well go for it and it gives him an easing for his relationship and
    partner
    His choice then to say no, but that would be OK with you as well i imagine huh?
    If anything further eventuates all well and good, if not well no major dramas or falling out with anyone
    I think your best bet overall is to form a long lasting relationship with the guy, to be honest.
    ALL the BEST
    enz
     
  11. D_vtrr56sew

    D_vtrr56sew New Member

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    Honestly I don't know about what he thinks - just going on what the guy told me about him. You might be right about the attraction blinding me. It's all I've been thinking about.

    Anyway, this was the kind of response I'm looking for. Good advice.

    Sounds good. I'll keep it as a friend relationship especially with me leaving in a week. I don't want to lose this guy and what he can offer so I won't poach.

    Anyway, we made plans to meet up again for early next week so I'll give an update then.
     
  12. cdunstan1

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    My 2 cents (for what it’s worth, now that I’ve gotten over that you like older men)……

    You sound kind of inexperienced. I would question the wisdom of getting involved w/ someone in a relationship even if they have an understanding or whatever. I’ll leave the morality question out of the discussion because 10 years ago I would have had a different answer. I’ll stick with this point instead. You’re very likely the one to get hurt. Badly. I agree very much with *pwrdick* that you could get a lot from friendship and mentoring. If he does want to have a few fucks with you and leave it there I think he’s showing a lack of judgement. But I’ve seen you naked. You’re quite the Lolita with a penis. :biggrin1: And a very attractive penis at that. :wink:

    I’ll also throw into the mix that I met my *now* husband just before his 23rd birthday when I was almost 30. I freaked out about the age difference. I freaked out even more when he told me that he was very close to being a virgin. But I was willing to wait 11 weeks till he was ready for us to have sex. (My God I am a saint!) And 10 monogamous years later, including 3 years with matching wedding bands we slipped on in CA, we’re still together. Do I have a point here? Maybe a wiser man can make sense of my post. Having awkward, fumbling sex with someone your own age is sort of fun. You can only do it for a few years. Go to college, date, fuck and don’t get obsessed with one man you have a crush on. It’s not like you’re going to get married. (aside: Even though you won’t have to fly across country to do it. Welcome to the 21st century New York state. :261: Did Iowa kick you in the ass and tell you to check your calendar?) And in a few years this dude may not look so good. If he still does, Lolita was hot into her 40’s. You’ve got plenty of time.

    To draw to a close (finally), sorry to nag but I have been on the board of GMHC. Condoms suck, HIV sucks more. And please don’t use meth.

    Good luck. I’m sure you’ll do the right thing. And if not, you’ll get over it. Keep us posted.

    p.s. Will he ever stop? :yawn: You probably need to learn this the hard way. 3ways, 4ways – great to masturbate to the thought or have some dirty sex talk with your partner. In real life….meh! :no:
     
  13. davidjh7

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    It sounds to me that he likely is attracted to you, but is respecting his partner. As long as there is honesty among everybody, and openess, I see no problem with pursuing a friendship with him AND his partner and seeing where it goes. Just always respect every person involved and their boundries. Since you are leaving in a few days, I doubt anything overly deep will happen regardless, but you will be back in NYC again soon, so it's not like you will never see him again, either. How about this idea? Why not meet for dinner or brinch or whatever with him AND his partner before you go? Keep it casual, and see how you get on with his partner socially as well--and see if there is a mutual sexual attraction there as well. If there is, then maybe a threesome is in the works. Just never try and do anything behind each others backs--that is the killer. Many long term gay male couples have come to terms wit the fact that men are men, and rather than deny it, they work through a way that they can be honest and committed to each other and still have the occassional experience outside of exclusivity. Every person and couple have their own dynamic. You feel a strong physical and emotional attraction to this guy, and you may feel similarly towards his partner as well. So, bascially, meet his partner with the guy in a social situation and see how the dynamic feels; just don't cross any boundries they have set, be honest, and be open. You are an increadibly good looking, obviously intellegent young man, with a lot going for you. For every younger guy that likes older, there are about 10,000 older that like younger so the odds are definately in your favor. Take a chance and see what happens--that is how you gain life experience and learn and grow. I expect you to have an amazing life journey, and I envy the amazing experiences you have ahead of you. You have all it takes to make your life whatever you wish, so don't limit yourself or your opportunities--just don;t be a jerk about them. :wink:
     
  14. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

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    Exactly what Marc says here. I am in my 40's, have a long-term partner, AND have a close relationship with a guy who is 22. The relationship with the young guy works because we understand what it means to both of us.

    Good luck in your situation and I hope your older friend treats you well.
     
  15. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I hope you guys can find a happy medium. Seems like it's working itself in that direction. I only hope that when I'm back in the US I can find someone like you. You seem to really have your head on straight. Good luck with it!
     
  16. pursine

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    Great story thanks. I think you a learning how it world falling in love and all that stuff. You clearly have a lot to give and a lot to offer and I think the guy sound really great. These emotions that you are feeling are powerful but in a sense the attachment to the person you are feeling them about is arbitrary. I would be careful given his situation to push to hard for a relationship or anything like that, because I think you could up having your heart broken. I know it sounds really weird probably for you to hear this but what you are rehearsing feelings and emotions with this guy that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. But don't lose your center of gravity and the sense of orientation that comes from the sense of being your own person. In that transition time in our early 20s we learn to stand on our own free of parental support. Of course the temptation of an older man or woman as a guide can be immensely strong at that time. But you need to put that desire in perspective, and balance it with all the amazing things that you can and could do for yourself as an attractive young person who is learning to find their feet in the world.

    Hope this helps :)
     
  17. D_vtrr56sew

    D_vtrr56sew New Member

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    We've been texting a lot recently. He invited me to join him at the beach today (in the text he said "strip down and grab some sun"), but I couldn't because I'm busy the whole day. Soooo tempting to drop my plans and go see him. Really hard to turn down. Then I told him I'm going to a bbq/party tonight. He asked what subway it will be near and I told him the subway and the stop. He asked if that was an invite to come see me and I said it was.

    So we'll be meeting tonight (most likely) and then again on Tuesday before I leave. Really getting a strong vibe that he likes me now. It's pretty obvious now that I think about it. He said I was handsome and sexy when I told him a girl told me yesterday that I need to start modeling.

    We'll see how it goes. I'm looking forward to seeing him. I actually would feel more comfortable meeting his man first before doing anything sexually. And it is always better to wait a little longer than to rush into things...
     
    #17 D_vtrr56sew, Aug 20, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2011
  18. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

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    Very very smart. Taking things slowly is a really good idea - especially when there is some mutual attraction. Build up to it - you will be happier for doing so.
     
  19. D_vtrr56sew

    D_vtrr56sew New Member

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    (We didn't meet on Saturday night, he was too tired from working late)

    So things really picked up in the last few days in our text exchanges. He was making a TON of sexual advances and just being really flirty in general. Using "cum" instead of come, a ton of winky faces, etc. Sunday night, he told me I can tell him anything, so I said: "I can tell you anything? Well you're hot and I want you." And that's when we both laid it all on the table. We wanted each other badly.

    I said "I really don't wanna be 'that guy' or 'the other man' to mess things up with you and your partner." He told me not to worry and said he'd never do anything to jeopardize his relationship with me OR his partner. He told me they have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy when having sexual relations with guys outside the relationship. Music to my ears. I felt free to do what I wanted at that point and not really worry. This guy, let's call him Steve, really is a good guy. I can tell I can trust him and he said he'd never do anything to hurt me or make me uncomfortable.

    We met tonight at an Italian restaurant in the West Village. Ate dinner from 7:00-8:30ish. Kinda boring to be honest, but I was waiting for after dinner. We decided to head over to Washington Square Park. We sat on a bench and immediately started making out. We felt each other up, I rubbed his great chest and big arms, felt his cock underneath his shorts, him doing the same to me. He started kissing down my neck and I wanted to lose it. So fucking hot. We held each other there for just a half an hour not wanting to let go. Wanting to get naked and do more.

    But he had to go home. To be continued...

    Still texting as I type this about fucking soon. I asked him if he'd take my virginity and he said yes. He'll try to make it down to Philly, and if he doesn't I'll be able to make it to New York anyway.

    That's all for now.
     
  20. molotovmuffin

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    I hope everything works out for you but I got a feeling you're going to be in for a world of hurt. Please be careful.
     
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