I've been really busy for the past few weeks, so sorry for the late update.
I left off telling about how we were gonna have sex after we made out and whatnot. I left for school two days after that. We kept texting and he revealed to me that he was "smitten" with me; that for whatever reason, he wanted to keep getting to know me and talk to me. That freaked me out. I thought it was just gonna be a no-strings-attached kind of deal, maybe "just friends," but his emotions started to get involved. He really ratcheted up the texting at started getting sexual all the time. I felt uncomfortable and my conscience actually surfaced. I told him "this doesn't feel right." And he got frustrated because he explained to me clearly the scenario. But still, I felt how I felt. He told me he'd give me a while to get settled in and then we could pick things up again. I tried to believe him and think "this is all gonna be okay," leading me to want to keep texting him. Guess I was under a spell or something.
A few days later, I texted him telling him I missed chatting with him and that I feel better about things now. We continued to chat. We were on facebook chat one night when I asked him "What would you do if we were in a hotel room?" and he drew out this elaborate sexual fantasy. It didn't even get me excited. My lust was fading at this point. He said he felt weird when I didn't draw one out for him in return, but I wasn't gonna fake it. I guess I was in the wrong a bit here, but I felt like I was under pressure to keep on try and kindling things. This was about the third disagreement we had in under a week. It was apparent that the relationship was poison (to me) but I didn't end it. I have no idea why. I think I was kind of an asshole for leading him on like this, only do disappoint him a bit. But I was confused as hell and honestly did not know what I wanted at this point. I kept trying to make it work and "get myself up" (pun intended) and maybe think things will work out.
A few days later, my best female friend (who met him once while she was with me) told me she got a facebook message from him saying "I know you miss your friend, you can always feel free to drop a note with me and chat whenever you want." I thought immediately, "this is fucked up, creepy as hell." I was angry that he actually contacted MY best friend and broke the unwritten boundaries. That is seriously fucked up to me - a girl he has no business contacting less than half his age. I never would consider contacting anyone in his life. But I didn't say anything, just said "oh that was nice of you." Obviously he was just trying to get more involved in my personal life.
It was his birthday a few days later and he requested that I leave him a private video message over facebook, nothing even sexual. I finally let him know that my excitement (about our relationship) faded and that the initial jolt of adrenaline I felt was gone. Then he let me know that it hadn't faded for him. That he felt a unique connection with me. A true "friendship." I responded this way: "I'm gonna be honest, and don't want to hurt you at all. I don't feel as strongly as you do I'm sorry to say. I think it's just a chemistry issue with me, like I don't feel it as much. I mean we've already had quite a few hiccups in the past week alone. I think it's definitely more me than you, as you've laid everything out clearly, but I still managed to feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's my youth or insecurity, but once again, I'm in a whirlwind right now with new things going on all around me."
He told me that he was upset, I said "I know." He told me he read through our exchange and that all he did was consider me a real friend not that he "loved me, wanted an exclusive relationship or anything permanent." He went on saying I only was interested in sex and then he asked me what my intention was by coming out to him. I told him "I lusted after you, I wanted sex." He repeated how hurt he was, and how let down he felt, that he thought I was his friend. He said he lost a lot of respect for me and that I'm "just another unhappy gay man."
Less than an HOUR later, I get this text "As fucked up as this is, I still want to talk to you...why? Not sure, but I do." I'm thinking here "Jesus Christ, I thought we just ended it." I told him I would call him in the next day or two, because he still wanted to talk. I was going to officially end it.
I called him. Told him "there's really no easy way to do this, and you're a great guy
confused
but I want to cut off contact and end this. I reiterated that I didn't feel the same way and I don't think it's best for this thing to keep dragging on." He took it well on the phone. I'm done, right?
I get an email an hour or two later with the original facebook message I sent to him when I came out to him. He said "what a fucking joke this was." I blocked him on facebook after this. Blocked his email. The next morning, he says in a text "I want to sincerely apologize for sending that mean spirited email yesterday. I was hurt and wasn't thinking...it got the best of me." He told me if I ever want to contact me, you know where to find me. Five hours later, "I hope you can accept my apology some day..."
I ignored all of it; you would think he'd get the clue by now. The last contact I had with him was the phone call when I told him it was over. I realized what a prick he was toward the end (I think I really realized when he contacted my friend).
I know I made TONS(!!!!!) of mistakes in this relationship, but I feel glad that I ended it when I did, even though it was probably a week too late. When I stopped having contact with him, I felt like a dark cloud that was hanging over me faded away. I really turned out glad that I didn't have sex with him. The majority of you were right when you cautioned me. I'm glad I came around to my senses finally, and felt like the "spell" I was under was gone.
