I'm sorry to be bothering anyone out there.. But I'm feeling really hopeless. I feel a lot of regret, depression, and I'm looking for advice. . So. Here's my story.. I have this boyfriend who I've recently met off of CraigsList. We don't know much about each other but I'll say we definitely felt attraction and got into a relationship shortly after. He did introduce me to some of his friends.. We're both 18, and he's a closet gay. while I'm a closet bi. He's a lot taller than me, bigger than me( yes his cock too), and I find him a lot more attractive than me. However, he is the bottom in this relationship. Mind you guys, I was a virgin when I met him. . The point is... I'm a person with low confidence. . . and I constantly feel like I'm not good enough for him. Specially when it comes to size. I have a tiny 4.5x4.5 incher while he's like 7 by 6 or even 7x7. Yeah he's scary thick.. and a crazy precummer....and cummer.... so I managed to do him once 2 weeks ago... that was Me on top of him, with him on his stomach. He was surprised I didn't cum after a few minutes. But honestly. I Didn't come at all. I don't think I could if I wanted to..But I lied and said I did after a while.. Basically that was my first time. After that we took a 2 week break because school started up and we had to resume our old lives, and we just happened to be busy during the weekends. We live about an hour away from each other as well. But basically.. I'm getting performance anxiety when I'm with him.. And so I tried to hook up with someone totally out of our picture to try and see if I could somehow..do better. It was a one time thing. I love my bf and not this person at all. It didnt work out we didnt do our business. We just stayed in bed kissing and cuddling and this person tried to do me. Of course it didn't happen and I left after that. To make everything worse this was the day of our first month together, me and my bf... not this person I'm lying in bed with... I felt horrible. Totally regretted it. I know I could never tell my bf about it. I also decided to visit my bf on this day also, because... it is our anniv. and i havent seen him in 2 weeks! I slept over. But I couldnt top him. Performance anxiety. AND NOW GUILT! I'm a cheat! I couldn't bare to tell him I cheated on him. But I regret it so much. And I do have very strong feelings for my BF. And I just wish I didnt cheat and that I could just fuck him like he wants. My short length means i can only do him on his back and me on top. and even in this position I'm not penetrating very well. He wants to sit on me and ride it. But he's 5'11 and I'm 5'6 ish... he's hot... but heavy... and well.. he crushes me in this position making me go soft even more easily as I'm not enjoying it at all.. I do feel like we're moving very fast... and I know he's a very horny person.. I don't know if I can handle it.. But I kept resisting "fucking" him That night. The next day I ended up being very upset that I couldnt tell him I cheated on him. And I'm also embarassed about my performance anxiety. ( I know that communication is key in any relationship... but I feel like I want to somehow just overcome this by myself...I'm 18. I shouldnt ever go soft!!) Basically... I told him I wanted us to break up reason being I'm not good enough. Although the truth is that I'm a total fuck-up for cheating and that my performance anxiety just won't be able to satisfy his needs. I left his house feeling very broken hearted.. But now he thinks he's the bad boyfriend for rushing everything. HE doesnt know I cheated! I can't tell him. I just can't. I don't know what to do.. I'm so confused. Scared. Sad. Guilty. Embarassed and mad at myself. We both know we have very strong feelings toward one another. But I told him I want us to be friends... not in a relationship (even though we both know that's a lie.) He still considers me to be his Boyfriend as well... I just don't know how to make everything right. He is my first true love. ( I know those usually dont last) but I feel like this isnt the way to end it either! I don't really know what to do.. Or where to start! That hook-up was a one time thing. I would never cheat on him ever again. I love him. I just cant KEEP IT UP either! This all happened a few days ago. And I'm just very very very mixed up. I'll probably get yelled at a lot by some of you lpsg members. And I deserve it.. but I'm seriously looking for advice. Or someone to relate to me and what they did.. I'm scared of losing him. But at the same time I just want him to be happy.... even if it means he should be with someone else... I left his house saying we're breaking up. But he refuses that. And I honestly don't want to either. I think he'd be better off with someone else though.. When I sleep over. I'm sneaking over into his room. We live far away. We barely see each other. And I can't even fuck him properly... Should I just end our relationship? I don't want to. But I'm considering it because I want him to be happy... Once again.. I'm sorry. Please don't flame me with negative remarks. I already know all the shit I deserve.. I need something useful. PRivate message me or whatever. I just need someone to talk to.. I'm hurting. He's hurting. I'm the one at fault.