Looking for advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by wonder_boy, Apr 3, 2011.

  1. wonder_boy

    wonder_boy Member

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    Hi all,

    I wasn't quite sure where to post this, but I really need outside advice for my life.

    I've known that I'm gay for a long time, but I never acknowledged it as I come from a tiny town. When I moved to university in the fall, I 'let' myself admit that I was bisexual, because I thought that it would be easier for others to accept.

    In January, I just got tired of lying to everyone, including myself, and admitted that I was gay. I told my parents and my brothers, and they all seem okay with it, but I haven't seen any of them since Christmas (I haven't seen my brothers for even longer because they live away). I wish I had told them in person, but I was worried that the words wouldn't come out, so I called them all to tell them. It's caused me a lot of stress though, because I was so worried that they would all reject me, particularly my parents because they're very religious. I'm doing very poorly in university this semester because of how stressed I was/am, I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping at night, and I've been trying very hard to make up for the things that I've missed, but a new factor is prevalent now: loneliness.

    I've been to counseling to try and get a hand with sorting myself out, but it hasn't done much good. I've never so much as had a kiss before because of how much I restrained myself. Now I'm just really frustrated romantically because I see my friends with their boyfriends or girlfriends and I want that intimacy that they have with their significant others. There's one guy that I've had a strong infatuation with for months, and I want to just get to know him, but he seems incredibly disinterested in me. My stomach does a flip when I see him, and every aspect of him seems great. I don't just mean physically, but his personality as well. I won't use his name, but I'll call him 'L'. In an effort to get over him, I tried focusing on another person, 'T'. I don't know if that seems pointless, but it seemed to work for a time.

    As it turns out, T has had a crush on L for a very long time, and they got together a while ago. I tried to be happy for them, but then they broke up and T is taking it very hard. T seems like such a great guy, and our mutual friends think we might have a shot, but he's just hung up on L and I don't know the first thing about initiating any kind of relationship besides platonic. I've been told L is an asshole, but from what I've seen on the rare times when I speak with him, he isn't.

    I'm sorry if you think that this is melodramatic on my part, but I genuinely don't know what to do. I guess, in summary, what I want to know is this: how do I cope with loneliness? How do I deal with this kind of frustration and stress? Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. hungboy18

    hungboy18 New Member

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    I think it's great that you came out. You should tell your parents how you feel, they obviously must love you, tell them you were born that way and that god loves you for you are and that you need their support, because if there's a god he must love everyone, being gay is not a bad thing at all, it's only seen as a bad thing by those who embrace hate and preach ignorance.

    It's harder for gay people to find someone, I know how you feel, like you lost your teenage years, everyone else dated 20 people and had sex at 14-16 and they went to dates and everything was fun and games, but you might just find someone who can make you feel like you're 15 again and in love for the first time.

    Maybe the best way for you to stop feeling lonely is to just find new friends and maybe go out once a week to a gay bar, sometimes guys and gals embrace their promiscuous side to find true love.

    You need to realize that you're amazing the way you are, yeah you need someone but that person can't be everything you need, you have to look within.
     
  3. willow78

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    This sounds harsh, but you need to forget about T and L - you've been infatuated with both of them and they've dated each other and messily split up with each other. You've had a lot of stress to deal with so the last thing you need is to get involved with their drama. No matter how deep your crush is or how wonderful you feel around them, it sounds like a shit load of bad news!
     
  4. sexplease

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    all this, including the T and L stuff, the loneliness and frustration really is part of growing into your life. It's all part of the "trial relationship stages" we all go through. Often gays go through this a bit later than middle school and high school ( when many straight kids are openly afforded and allowed this process)
    Don't be so hard on yourself. All of this and these experiences are strengthening you and your character now... you're just not aware of that yet.
    Give yourself time to explore the world around you. Continue to follow your path towards the things you cherish and continue honing your skills in order to express you and your creative self.
    You will sometimes feel the rewards of your endeavors, and sometimes not, but as you look back on your life over the years ahead, you will see the bright spots, the love and friendships and the challenges that take you to your future.
    Sometimes life ( and relationships) are quite challenging, but these are the very things that are the events that bring out the best in us all.
    It's not the problems and challenges that define us, but rather how we handle them.
    Keep your eyes and heart on your goals, some near and some years down the road, and all will be good.
     
  5. Sharpone

    Sharpone New Member

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    Great, sound advice. The only thing I would add is perhaps a gay support group or campus group instead of a gay bar. Also, give yourself some time to to release the anxiety and stress. I know it's frustrating because some people just jump into it, but remember that each person is different and everyone takes a different amount of time to feel comfortable with their sexuality, gay or straight.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    Having crushes is something you must have dealt with before, when you were 'in the closet'. Deal with it the same way now. Romance is getting between you and your schoolwork, and that is the worst aspect of this whole business, from over here.

    You must have been lonely before too, for a long time. That provided you tools to deal with your situation now, if you just view it in that way. You obviously have learned to value yourself as you truly are, and accept yourself, in order to come out. Keep valuing yourself just as you are, even if you continue to be without a partner for some time yet. Nobody, gay or straight, finds the perfect match right away, especially if we are unusual.
     
  7. yoursgetsmine

    yoursgetsmine Member

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    Get on Craigslist or some of the adult gay dating sites and meet guys who share your interests and have gone thru what you're experiencing. Also you will find physical relationships on these sites, and don't try for "love" right out of the box....because that is or may be too much to expect too soon. Ease into friendships with other guys with similar interests and the rest will follow. A lot of guys have walked in your shoes and just be honest with them. Also male escorts are very available and you know something is going to happen so you won't have to wonder or stress or be judged.......and while it may not be an emotional connection, it will give you sexual experience and and reduce the awkwardness of being with a male and that will give you confidence moving forward.
     
  8. wonder_boy

    wonder_boy Member

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    Thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to write out a response. I appreciate it very much.
     
  9. madman411

    madman411 Member

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    I know exactly how you feel. Loneliness is a horrible feeling I know all too well. I've had terrible luck in the past with relationships and meeting other guys, particularly because I don't flaunt my sexuality and I'm in no way effeminate - people have told me they were very surprised when I told them I was gay. Other gays most likely assume I'm straight and thus look past me. That, and I'm quite shy. Gay bars are fun, but I feel I don't really relate to the other gay guys there.

    A couple months ago my luck started to look up as I met a guy I really liked, and he liked me too. We hit it off pretty well despite the fact he told me he had planned to move across the country soon. We still spent time together and I most definitely started to fall for him. The feeling at the time was wonderful because it's almost never that I meet a guy I like and actually manage to get somewhere with it. Well, long story short, several months ago he moved and it broke my heart. I've thought about him every single day since he left. Most days I'm fine, but on the occasional day I feel quite sad and nostalgic that I just never seem to have any luck with relationships... and he was gone. In this case I started to get somewhere and be happy and it was all ripped away from me so fast. We stayed in touch for a while, however slowly but surely we stopped talking. I think about texting him or something every day, but most times I feel what's the point? I'm sure he's already moved on and I'm probably the last thought that crosses his mind. Every day I see couples my age, gay and straight, and just like you I long for what they have.

    Point being, it's very normal to feel the way you feel. With time you'll get over it... it may take a while (such as in my case), but as other posters have said, it will only make you stronger in the end. There's someone out there for you - unfortunately it may be a while before you meet him. In the meantime it gives you something to look forward to.
     
  10. DavidXL

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    I agree with Willow78 that T and L are trouble. Forget about them! Do you want to be L's rebound? Or T's one night stand? If you want a relationship, these 2 guys are just going to cause you more heartache. You already seem a bit fragile and stressed at the moment, and I think any further fixation on them would be unhealthy for you.

    I'm also thinking that maybe now isn't the best time for you to be looking for a relationship. You just came out, which I imagine is a big step. It's probably only now that you can figure out who you really are. When you are trying to figure out who you are is probably not the best time to be in a relationship. Why not just focus on yourself for the next 6 months and what makes you happy? Read gay-themed books, both fiction and non-fiction. Watch gay-themed films and TV shows. Go to the gym, work out, exercise, be healthy. Pursue your other interests. Focus on your school work and make sure what you're studying is really interesting to you and something you can be passionate about. Think about what you want to do when you're done with school and map out a plan on how to get there.

    In my experience, whenever I was looking for a relationship, I never found one. They just kind of happened, usually when I was happy with myself and what I was doing, and when I least expected it.

    Good luck to you!
     
  11. monel

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    Madman411, you are making a mistake. Friendships and relationships do not end due to the miles in between. They are just too precious to let go that easily. You already know this as a result of the difficulty you have had finding and keeping relationships. If this person was worth your time and effection when he was with you the relationship is worth maintaining now. You are imparting your insecurities on him as justification for not writing to him. The point of keeping in touch is to maintain a close friend. Your relationship with this person may change over time particularly if he meets someone else or you do. However we can never have too many friends. You must contact him and then stay in touch. One day you will regret it if you don't.
     
  12. cgttown

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    Dear OP,

    I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Adjusting to a new place away from home is tough, and at your age, with your anxiety about sexuality and so on, it's been even harder. Time is your best ally as you get into the routine of university and make some new friends. But I'd like to address your real question, that about loneliness.

    I think you're confusing your understanding of your sexuality with your need for companionship. Frankly, right now you need friends more than you need a lover. The best antidote to loneliness is to invest in other people. Make some friends by being interested in them. Start up conversations with men and women that you meet in class, in your dorm, at the coffeehouse or wherever. Don't put undue pressure on those relationships to be romantic or sexual, and just enjoy the people. Be interested in them, and you'll find you will be less lonely.

    Also, try volunteering on campus, getting involved in an organization, helping people who are needy, joining a study group, or other things that get you involved in something and not thinking about yourself and your situation. This is not avoiding your dilemma, it is looking outside yourself to others. Amazingly, you are less lonely when you do that.

    Last, I'd look for other friends that L and T. They seem a bit destructive in their interpersonal relationships, and who needs that? As you develop healthy friendships and come to realize that people can appreciate and like you for who you are (sexuality aside), then you'll gain confidence and be a more interesting person. THEN you are more open to a real relationship with someone that can turn into a romantic one. Friends make better lovers anyway if you let things develop at their own pace and if you don't begin the friendship with some underlying motive to get the person in bed.

    Meanwhile, leave the sex solo until you get healthier emotionally. A nice wank at the end of the day is a good way to fall asleep and leaves you feeling warm and cozy. Be satisfied with satisfying yourself for awhile. You'll be the better person and better boyfriend in the long run if you do.
     
  13. madman411

    madman411 Member

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    monel, I completely understand what you're saying and agree 100%. I think about it every time I go to send him a message. I've made a lot of effort since he left to keep in touch, and he's sent me the occasional message too. I guess in the back of my head I see it as his turn to contact me. Wrong attitude to have, I know. We have had a few disagreements since he left but last time we spoke things seemed fine. Maybe that's why I've heard nothing from him recently. It's funny; before he left we talked about staying in touch and he said how people never actually do keep in touch.

    My birthday is in a few days and I'm hoping to hear from him since we can't spend time together like we did on his. If not then I will go ahead and make an effort to initiate a conversation with him. In the long run not talking for a while might be a good thing - I don't want to come across too strong as it seems the whole situation affected me a little more deeply than it did him.
     
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