Looking for Advice

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Bueller79, Oct 9, 2007.

  1. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    Not sure which forum is best for this, so just went with etc.

    I have a little bit of a dilemma I am trying to work out, and thought this place seems to have a good variety of opinions, so thought I might post here.

    I have a friend who I met online a little over a year ago through Yahoo sports actually, and over the course of the year I would say we have become very good friends, he let me know that he was battling depression at the time, and I sort of helped him with that, and like he has been there for me over the last year, so I do really value his friendship. Now let me say I am 28 and he is 20.

    That being said about 2 months ago, I logged into MSN and he IMs me that he has had a horrible day, and he really needs to tell someone, so I said sure go ahead. Well he tells me that he had been talking to someone online for the past year, and that he considered this person to be his best friend, but that he thought this person was 14, and they told him that day that they were actually 56, and he was really upset and he said he had been crying all day, and then he is like I'm going out. And I'm thinking, ok WTF, something is going on here, why would a 56 year old pose for a year as a kid to talk to my friend.....and I'm thinking ok, this is something sexual, there is no way these 2 were discussing homework or something innocent. So I send him a message while he was offline saying "look, I hate to be an asshole, but something is not right here, are you gay or bisexual or something?" So, when he came back he said well yeah I am bi. I said look that's fine, I'll support you no matter what, because you are a good friend, and I'm really sorry this person lied to you.

    But then I thought about it and was like, ok but why in the first place was my friend talking to someone he thought was 14, and about god only knows what. I confronted him, he got very defensive, he said everything was innocent, nothing sexual, basically told me I was a jerk to even ask. But then he sort of calmed down and he told me well nothing ever happened, the guy told him he wanted to do stuff with me, and he told him to wait until he was 18 and then they would, and like he had offered to let this "kid" move in with him when he turned 18. Now, I was like ok, you need to stop talking to anybody you think is a kid (even if they turned out to be 56), it's not right for someone who is 20. So, my friend is like no I know, you are right, and I am cutting that out, etc, etc. Despite my reservations, I basically kept talking to him, because one I figured well he says he is gonna cut it out, two I guess there is something to be said for the fact he refused to do anything with this person, which I suppose shows he isn't a total perv, and third because he is a good friend.

    Now last weekend he randomly tells me he wants to send me pictures of his hometown, I was like that's ok, lol, don't feel obliged please, He says, oh no, I really want to show you, my "really, really, really good friend" in Canada wanted me to take pictures of my town, so I'm gonna send you too. So, he has mentioned before a friend in Thunder Bay, so I kind of teased him like "oooohhhh, your good friend eh" and he didn't necessarily admit there was anything more to it, but he didn't deny anything either, and I said hey look I am being pretty cool here about this, and I have no problems with it, and he was like "yeah, I know, I appreciate it." I said just make sure he is not 14 or 56! He tells me oh no he is 19, he has a camera on his computer so I know for sure. So I was like ok cool. But I dunno something just made me second guess it, I searched him on Google and found he has a profile on some like student website, sort of like Myspace but not. Anyway, sure enough who is his buddy, yes someone from Thunder Bay in Canada who is leaving messages on his guestbook like "Cutie, I miss you already".........and this guy is 15! So, I'm like WTF, this guy is repeating his actions, and lying to me as well about what he is doing.

    Now, I know my friend is in a tough spot, and I am sure confused, like I said I really value his friendship, I really do want to be there for him no matter what, but I don't know that I can accept someone who is talking to these young kids. I mean, I know it is not a huge age gap, and for the most part I think age is not a big deal, I mean if it was 25 and 20, no deal at all. However, am I the only one who thinks a 20 year old should not be seeking out this stuff with people who are or who he thinks are 14 and 15 years old????? And how do I deal with that, do I keep my mouth shut, do I say something, do I not talk to him at all and just tell him to piss off? Any serious advice would be very much appreciated, thank you
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

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    I don't see any problem with someone older giving out advice and stuff to people who are underage, often I was a valuable source of support and advice for my friends kids when they felt unable to talk to their parents BUT that isn't what he's doing is it? He's keeping the age of the guy in Canada secret because he feels guilty about it, a friendship between a guy of 20 and one of 14 can be normal, the kid might sort of hero worship the older brother of a friend and the younger guy might be hanging around because he doesn't have any male role model he feels comfortable with but any friendship you have to keep secret is wrong. As you know yourself he was talking to someone he felt was 14 on the net, turned out they were 50+ but he only told you this once he felt this wasn't a friendship approve of.

    You know he's been lying to you and you can't base any sort of friendship on that. He was crying when the 14 year old friend he thought he had turned out to not exist, why was he crying and where did he think their friendship might lead?

    You know him only from the net, already a considerable amount of what he's told you has turned out to be false, you don't really know how many lies he's told you to gain your friendship. My view is you wouldn't lose a friend because you didn't really have one in the first place.

    Sorry if this is a little muddled your post had quite a lot in it, my feelings are you should tell him to seek medical help but that he's lied so much to you that the basis you thought your friendship had never actually existed.
     
  3. Principessa

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    Bueller79, This person, I refuse to call him a man, is not your friend. He is a habitual liar and quite possibly a pedophile. I don't know what the laws are regarding statutory rape in Canada; but if he really is 20 and he is actively seeking out sex and/or relationships with 14 & 15 year olds then he is a perv. Is that the type of person with whom you want to be 'friends' even online?
    My advice is to dump him like a hot potato and tell him why. If for some odd reason you feel like you need to stick by this person, whom you clearly don't really know, my advice is to have bail money ready and the number for Western Union.
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    Oh in case my advice wasn't clear enough that was also what it was, tell him to get help then dump him.
     
  5. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    You only know what he had told you, which lots have proved false.

    It is inappropriate for him to be hitting on these kids, and you know that's what he is doing.

    Age of consent was 14 but recently changed to 16 in Ontario, which is where Thunder Bay is. I think it is the same for the whole country.

    I would ask him how he would feel if it was his brother being hit on by a 20yr old man. Well, that may not work, he seems pretty warped.

    He needs counselling, not your friendship.
     
  6. Principessa

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    YEA! I have been validated. :smile: I was afraid I sounded as stuck up and prudish here as I did in the Drugs thread.
     
  7. SpoiledPrincess

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    Nope nj, wrong is wrong. I'm keeping away from the drugs thread in case I get stuck with the title of Mary Poppins :)
     
  8. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I'm so sorry to hear this Bueller79. Puts you in a tough spot.

    Your friend isn't necessarily a pedophile, which is illegal in every place I know of, but is likely an ephebophile, which is legal in some places where the age of consent laws accommodate and culturally recognize it. If this is his paraphilia, then he must get his ass someplace where it is legal before he ends-up in prison or dead.

    I agree with everyone else. Tell him to get counseling and then sever ties with him. You could end-up a suspect if his computer is seized and they look at all the people he's sent pictures or email to. You have NO idea what he has on his computer. All he has to do is send you ONE inappropriate picture and you could find yourself in a world of legal troubles and with the horrendous stigma of being a sex offender without actually being one.
     
  9. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    Thanks guys for the advice, I appreciate it, and yeah my likely course of action will be to tell him to piss off. I should say I don't think he is necessarily like a pedo, but clearly something is not all right in his head. I mean he is really very twisted up in his mind, and some of the things he says are pretty off the wall and irrational in my mind. Like the first time when I went off on him about why he would even have these conversation with someone he thought was 14, like I said he first went off on me that it was innocent, but then later admited well yeah he talked about having sex with this person when they would turn 18 (as it turned out he was 56, but yeah) and he offered to let this person move in with him when they turned 18, so ok yeah, totally innocent! whatever.

    I spoke to him briefly last night, I did not confront him on what I found about this kid in Canada or any of that, but I kind of wanted to get an idea of his mindset, and yeah he told me recently he was bi, but we never really discussed well what does that actually mean to him, so I asked. I think this says a lot. He first says well "I'm just shy around girls." I said yeah well so are a lot of guys, that doesn't make you bi. I said do you want to have sex with both men and women (I should state he is a virgin), and he said yeah but for different reasons, he said women to love and men just to get off, and then he goes "well, what I really think is I'll just fuck a guy to get used to it, and then go fuck girls." I'm just like ok, wtf, I mean if that line of logic makes sense to him, then something is not quite right with him, especially if he is mixing 14 and 15 year old kids in the mix, almost like he is playing some game with em
     
  10. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    Oh, and Jason, don't worry he has never sent me anything, other than the pictures of his little ass town. He knows better than to send me god only knows what is on his computer. But you bring up a good point though, because god forbid something happens, I don;t want my name anywhere on that computer
     
  11. wldhoney

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    I may have missed something, but I am curious. Bueller79, how do you know your friend is really 20?
     
  12. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    I'm 99.99&#37; certain he is 20. He used to play HS football, and he has sent me the newspaper articles from a few years ago . So yeah it could be a lie, but that would be a damn good liar, plus he would have no reason to make that up, I dunno why he would.
     
  13. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    I mean he would have no reason to make it up, because our conversations are mostly mundane stuff like football, his college and my shitty job, and music....doesn't get much more interesting than that
     
  14. wldhoney

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    It's just odd to me that a 20 year old guy is conversing with 14 and 15 year olds. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that at 20 you are ready to hang out with your age or older. A person in college will generally make a new set of friends out of high school, but he keeps gravitating towards that age, even if one is really 56. And his dishonesty shows that he is not exactly up front, as if he has something to hide. I wonder if he really is in college.
     
  15. Guy-jin

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    Best advice I can give you is to stay away from someone like that. You do not want a person like that in your life.
     
  16. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    No, I think he is legit on being in college, I mean he definitely is bullshiting about anything to do with his sexuality or anything to do with talking to HS kids, but I do believe the rest is legit. But the stuff that he is BSing on is disturbing, to me anyway. And you are so right, because shit when I left HS, last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone in HS. He does have friends who are his age or older, but all are straight. I somehow am the lucky one that he told all this too, I am the only straight friend of his that knows he is bi, or so he says. I mean he lives in middle of nowhere mississippi, so yeah he goes hunting and shit on the weekend with his friends, and then apparently spends his spare time talking about god knows what to teenage boys, so almost like a split personality thing maybe?
     
  17. wldhoney

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    Even if he really is 20, that he is discussing anything of a sexual nature or the possibility of a future encounter with a 14 year old implies a significant issue.

    He may have pedophile tendencies, or he may be confused about his sexuality and feels more comfortable relating to someone who is younger. Either way, it's not a good situation to be involved in.

    I would ask for some more verification if I had an fear whatsoever that he may be underage.
     
  18. Bueller79

    Bueller79 Member

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    Agreed, something is not right with him.
     
  19. Yorkie

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    You aren't being prudish here.It's to your credit that you've tried to help him out but it sounds like he has problems that require professional help.
    You need to ease away from this friendship,when he gets in touch don't reply right away.Say you're too busy.
    Just be glad he doesen't know your address and live in the same town as you.
     
  20. dreamer20

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    Bueller you have expressed your thoughts to him. It is up to him whether or not he heeds your advice. It is up to you whether or not you wish to continue communicating with him. Do as you will. There will always be other people to talk to and other friends you can make in any event.:smile:
     
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